fooled once Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 FA, I've spent lots of time and have made many posts about my readings concerning split-selfers. I get it. I really do. The literature will tell you that it takes 2 years (minimum!) to resolve the split with therapy. As far as I can tell from the post, this guy isn't in therapy, and there's no guarantee that he'd resolve it that fast - or that it's even remotely worth the cost to tasha to dry his tears for that 2 years or more. For me - after 4.5 years, it's not worth it. He ruined my sense of self-worth and usually made me feel second to his psychB xW. He lied and lied and lied some more to keep the door open with her while screwing me. And he WAS in therapy for almost 2 years. Yet, he's still not done. Not. Worth. It. If Tasha's MM isn't willing to do what he needs to do without her there holding his hand, and runs back to his W, then it bespeaks how strong the pull to go home is. You don't want to live in the shadow of someone who is with you but some part of him wants to be at home with his xW....it's actually worse than being a straight-up OW. If he's going to run back, let him do it now, and do it fully rather than later after stringing you both along. Tasha - I'm not necessarily advocating NC, but it ought to be very LC, and DO NOT sleep with him. Until he's completely sure he wants to be your boyfriend (and not someone else's H), don't give him boyfriend perks. It's not your job to "convince" him to be with you - if you try, you're going to feel like crap about yourself. I completely understand that divorce is a loss...but I'd much rather see you comfort him through that REAL loss, than this imagined loss he has now while he hasn't even decided who he wants to be with. Comfort him AFTER he's made a concrete choice, not a moment before. Excellent post BL - especially the bolded part!!
califnan Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 In the future, I would appreciate it if you kept His name and references to scripture out of conversations with, to or about me. Thank You. --------------------------- I have not mentioned God's name in my messages directed to you - or scriptures.. It must have been you who interpreted my posts to be from God. More later when I can think .. I'm cookin
Fallen Angel Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 That's not really fair or accurate --- many of us don't believe in this "self split" idea --- for me, it is just an excuse for a person to leave another person hanging. Life is full of decisions every day -- it is called taking charge and making a decision. Self split to ME is just another excuse for being a coward and not making a decision. FO, It is your right to not agree with it, the same as it is my right to see wisdom and truth to it. We do not have to agree on this. I am just stating that I do believe in split-self, and so that is where my veiwpoint is coming from. As I have stated earlier, not every affair involves a split-self, some are merely cake-eaters, others are sex addicts, and the list of possiblities goes on and on. I am speaking simply from my belief that often times men involved in long term committed relationships with their affair partners are suffering from more than just "wanting to get some on the side".
califnan Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 That's not really fair or accurate --- many of us don't believe in this "self split" idea --- for me, it is just an excuse for a person to leave another person hanging. Life is full of decisions every day -- it is called taking charge and making a decision. Self split to ME is just another excuse for being a coward and not making a decision. ------------------- I am in agreement .. The "self split" idea is just an excuse .. It might even be directed to someone who is in a spiritual battle ... as with most of those MM who wish to have an OW as well as the W .. or viceversa
Fallen Angel Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 --------------------------- I have not mentioned God's name in my messages directed to you - or scriptures.. It must have been you who interpreted my posts to be from God. More later when I can think .. I'm cookin No need for more later where I am concerned. Your condescending and "holier than thou" nature leave a bitter taste in my mouth and my ears deaf to your words. Thanks, but no thanks.
fooled once Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 FO, It is your right to not agree with it, the same as it is my right to see wisdom and truth to it. We do not have to agree on this. I am just stating that I do believe in split-self, and so that is where my veiwpoint is coming from. As I have stated earlier, not every affair involves a split-self, some are merely cake-eaters, others are sex addicts, and the list of possiblities goes on and on. I am speaking simply from my belief that often times men involved in long term committed relationships with their affair partners are suffering from more than just "wanting to get some on the side". Thanks FA for letting me know I have a right to my own view. But to post i am veiwing this with an understanding of the split-self, which many here have not bothered to really learn about. Is that really being fair to those of us who don't believe in it? To say we haven't bothered to learn about it? How do you know that? Because we disagree with it means our views aren't valid? Is your view point more valid than mine or others who don't believe in split self?
Fallen Angel Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Thanks FA for letting me know I have a right to my own view. But to post Is that really being fair to those of us who don't believe in it? To say we haven't bothered to learn about it? How do you know that? Because we disagree with it means our views aren't valid? Is your view point more valid than mine or others who don't believe in split self? Absoultely not. Nor did I ever so much as insuate that to be the case. As to what I said, I stand by it. There are many here who have not bothered to read and learn beyond that which is written on these pages. That is not to discount those who have, just to state a truth of the majority of posters on this board, of which you are not one.
Author Tashcw Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 I am confused, because to me, her saying that she doesn't see the point, indicates that what he is saying is the truth. If they were still involved with each other, do you not think she would say so immediately, so as to back you off? Please explain why this indicates to you the need to push him away, rather than to at a minimum allow him to understand that as long as he keeps moving in the right direction (towards being with you exclusively) the door is still open. FA, agree that it would seem they are not involved with each other, and he has texted me casually since, suggesting that he is not aware I have contacted her. I don't see myself as pushing him away I suppose. I never asked for NC - as far as I was concerned we were in a committed relationship which he walked out on. Prior to that point, I had fought and fought for him and I suppose I have just come to realise that I can't keep him by fighting - he needs to make his own decision. I mean, by enforcing strict NC with him, do you not wonder why he would start to question if he is doing the right thing in hoping for a relationship with you? NC is his suggestion, and I therefore am sticking to it, but also to help protect myself as I hadn't realised how much the situation we were in had exhausted me and I definitely need time to recover. Having said that, I let him know that I am happy for him to contact me and I'll reply if he does (as I did the other night). As you say further on, limited contact may be best, but how would that be defined? And should I try to move on, not knowing if he's going to take months or even years to make up his mind? I have severe doubts I will ever feel the same as I did for him for anyone else, however the compromise with that relationship was the age difference, his ex-wife and former life that I would have had to fit into. So I'm trying to convince myself that perhaps I'd be better off finding someone who is single with no children, and the compromise being that I don't quite feel that same all-consuming love that I did, maybe just a 'safer' feeling? If the OP goes back now, she's telling him she accepts his indecision and indecisive actions (fence-straddling). It isn't worth it. I lost so much....be smarter than me Tasha. Thanks BL. I think he needs to 'learn a lesson' (in the literal sense, not a punishment sense!) and my part in it is key as I NEVER want to go through this again, but likewise I can't be the only one to help him. Have encouraged him to go to IC and he says he will.
pgummins Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 I think you're delluded when you say you won't feel what you feel for him for anyone else. I would say, of course you can/will. Good luck whatever you choose anyway, and make sure he puts in as much effort as you if it comes to it.
jennie-jennie Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Is that really being fair to those of us who don't believe in it? To say we haven't bothered to learn about it? How do you know that? Because we disagree with it means our views aren't valid? Is your view point more valid than mine or others who don't believe in split self? It depends on whether or not one has bothered to read Emily Brown's own writings about the split self affair. If the "non-believers" have read and done their research as well as in this case FA have, then their view point is as valid as hers. If they are just judging the split self affair as an excuse without doing their own research, then their views are pretty non-valid to me. FO, is LS your sole source of information of the split self affair or have you actually studied it more in detail? I can't seem to find any information in your posts about this.
anne1707 Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 (edited) Jennie Jennie This "split self" theory is just a theory. It does mean it is correct. You like it because it explains things in a way that suit how you would like to view your affair. Others view it differently. It does not mean that their view is less valid. Anybody who has seriously studied psychology would not accept one theory from one psychologist as the be all and end all. Edited March 22, 2010 by anne1707
Fallen Angel Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Jennie Jennie This "split self" theory is just a theory. It does mean it is correct. You like it because it explains things in a way that suit how you would like to view your affair. Others view it differently. It does not mean that there view is less valid. Anybody who has seriously studied psychology would not accept one theory from one psychologist as the be all and end all. Psychology is far from being an exact science. It is ALL just theory. And every psychologist must pick and choose which theory to practice from. *shrug* The same as you saying that jennie (and, by the same token, myself) believe(s) in this theory because it explains things in a way that suits her(us), so too are all the theories advanced by other OW and BW on this site simply that which most closely matches their perception or desired rationale.
anne1707 Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Psychology is far from being an exact science. It is ALL just theory. And every psychologist must pick and choose which theory to practice from. *shrug* The same as you saying that jennie (and, by the same token, myself) believe(s) in this theory because it explains things in a way that suits her(us), so too are all the theories advanced by other OW and BW on this site simply that which most closely matches their perception or desired rationale. Totally agree FA. It's just that Jennie Jennie appears to have a problem with anybody who does not accept the split self theory. I also choose to support psychological theories not just based on how they suit me.
Fallen Angel Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Totally agree FA. It's just that Jennie Jennie appears to have a problem with anybody who does not accept the split self theory. I also choose to support psychological theories not just based on how they suit me. Well, I am a believer in the split-self, because this theory so closely matches what I see in my relationship. I have been reading a lot trying to decide what is best for MYSELF in all of this, and finding the split self theroy has helped me to reach a place of contentment. Not simply because it extols what I want to believe, but it is most congruent with what I experience my sweetheart dealing with, and most in agreement with statements he has made and behaviours he exhibits. When I read about the split self, it was like I was having lightbulb moment after lighbulb moment. Suddenly two plus two equaled four again, rather than the five I was getting when I tried to categorize our relationship dynamic according to more accepted theories. I think that because other people do not believe in the split-self as a valid theory they push their own theory that it is "just another excuse", yet they are willing to accept other theroies that do not fit the empty space in our (mine and jennies) puzzles. I think what is most important is that we all be able to accept that our veiw points are all valid, to us! There is no reason to say one is more valid than another, just that one is more valid TO US, than another. I believe my veiw is more valid to my situation than any other poster's veiw points on my situation, because I am privy to details, conversations, nuances to which you all are not. So naturally I am better able to dissect my situation and categorize it. Everyone is entitled to give their opinion, but I like everyone else, reserve the right to not accept that opinion of me or my situation as fact. I do not come here to have people tell me what to do, or to have someone else diagnose myself or my life partner, I am here to discuss and debate and draw my own conclusions. As everyone should be.
jennie-jennie Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 It depends on whether or not one has bothered to read Emily Brown's own writings about the split self affair. If the "non-believers" have read and done their research as well as in this case FA have, then their view point is as valid as hers. If they are just judging the split self affair as an excuse without doing their own research, then their views are pretty non-valid to me. FO, is LS your sole source of information of the split self affair or have you actually studied it more in detail? I can't seem to find any information in your posts about this. Totally agree FA. It's just that Jennie Jennie appears to have a problem with anybody who does not accept the split self theory. I also choose to support psychological theories not just based on how they suit me. No, Anne, I do not have "a problem with anybody who does not accept the split self theory". If you had read my post correctly, you would have seen that I have a problem with anybody who dismisses something without researching and studying it first. Have YOU read anything more about the split self affair than what you have read on LS?
anne1707 Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 If they are just judging the split self affair as an excuse without doing their own research, then their views are pretty non-valid to me. No, Anne, I do not have "a problem with anybody who does not accept the split self theory". If you had read my post correctly, you would have seen that I have a problem with anybody who dismisses something without researching and studying it first. Have YOU read anything more about the split self affair than what you have read on LS? This demonstrating your attitude that as far as you are concerned anybody who has researched split self theory would accept it and that if you do not support it then you must not have read up on it - an attitude that I personally find rather condescending. I also noticed in another thread last night that when a poster referenced research that did not support long term success of affairs, you were very quick in trying to debunk the author. Just because you do not like what is being said, does mean it has not been reasearched in a valid manner. If you want others to show respect for your theories than you should reciprocate. I have also read more of split self than on LS. I did so at the time when you started a thread dedicated to the subject when I was told (by you I think so you were analysing me whilst not knowing everything about me - yet you do not like people doing this to you!) that my affair was an example of this. I came back to the thread and said no, did not fit. For the rest of that thread, I and anybody who disagreed with the theory was subject to what I considered personal criticism from some posters. As I think Spark has said (sorry if not you Spark), there are some on LS who are more qualified than most to discuss and support psychological issues - but maybe choose not to do so or to not be so dogmatic about their views.
Recommended Posts