Jump to content

GF's mom passed away due to cancer, breaks up with me, what do i do?

rimmasum

By rimmasum
in Breaks and Breaking Up

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

rimmasum New Member

rimmasum

Posted
Posted

Hi everyone,

 

I am a long time lurker of the LoveShack website and you guys have helped a lot. I appreciate that. But now, my situation is a bit specific and I don't know what to do or think...I will try to make it as short as possible

 

Me and my girlfriend love each other, and have been in a relationship for 2 years. Her mom was diagnosed with cancer last July and passed away 16 days ago. She is only 23 years old. She has an older brother and a father who verbally (and sometimes physically) abused both her and her mother. She hated her father, he didn't care about her mothers condition, he didnt care about her, and when she was diagnosed, he still lived his life like a douchebag. She said that she wants to get out of the house and seperate herself from her bro and dad. Also, her mom liked me, i had a good relationship with her and she kept her relationship with me a secret because she knew the father and husband wouldnt approve but did so to keep her daughter happy. So basically, her father and bro would hate anyone she dated.

 

Fast forward to a day before her passing away...me and my gf were all in love and i told her that i'd be there for her and everything

the day after, and after the funeral, she became distant, stopped saying "i love you", and pretty much pushed me away. I figured she was going through a lot so she just needed space but then a few days after her passing away she asked me "promise me we'll always be friends" i was thrown off by that...one thing led to another and she basically said that "we cant get married" i was shocked, like i was in the twilight zone...i asked her why? she said that her mom was stickler for religion and she wanted the couple to share the same values (we are of different religions) mind you, neither of us are religious, and she is even less religious than i am...that was never a problem when we fell in love and her mom never had a problem with it cause her daughter was so happy...so i told her, i said ur mom wanted u to be happy, which is why she never frowned upon our relationship. but my gf didnt want to hear it, she said she wants to do everything for her mom, she wants to quit her job and do something similar to what her mom did, if her mom picked someone for her to marry and even if my gf likes the guy 1 percent she will do it. THAT IS NOT LIKE MY GF AT ALL.

oh and get this, her bro and dad are PERFECT SAINTS now. Apparently they have "CHANGED". I dont think this change will sustain. Her dad and bro went from treating her like complete crap to a complete princess. shes so distant from me, she doesnt call me anymore, we text once every few hours only cause i check up on her....im going crazy, i want to be with her forever and help her through this

 

what do i do? what do i think of this? are we over? does she just need time? is she confused? is she not thinking rationally?

 

i feel like living through someone else, even if its ur mom, and forgoing ur happiness is bad for a person in the long term

 

help me, please

Twenty-ten Established Member

Twenty-ten

Posted
Posted

First of all I am really sorry for your loss, and for your g/f's loss. I can totally appreciate how confused and sad you must feel to be blindsided like this. If there is one thing you must understand in this situation is that for a woman, to lose a mother a close one at that, is a very profound and devastating experience and what she is going through may not make sense to you looking from the outside in but it is her way of dealing with the grief of the loss. Maybe her mother did have issues with your religious difference and never made it known to you. Or maybe she is simply making it up as an excuse. Either way the only thing you can do is respect her wishes.

 

Give her time, and by that I mean give her space and mark a time for yourself to see how long you will wait for her to come around, but stay completely away. Offer her your support if she needs it but let her come to you. She needs to figure this out on her own, and clearly does not want you in the picture for whatever reason. If by the end of the time you set for yourself she doesn't come around then you need to accept she is moving on and you must do the same.

 

If you give her space and stay completely away she may come to the realization all on her own that she needs and wants you in her life. But it won't happen if you are pressuring her in any way to come back to you.

 

As per the brother and father being close to her now, understand that grief brings people together and they all suffered the loss whether the husband and brother showed their appreciation for the mother while alive, death really makes some people wake up and realize the wrong doings of their ways.

 

How is she handling the grief?

  • Author
rimmasum New Member

rimmasum

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Twenty-ten, thank you so much for your insight

 

I can't even tell how she's handling it...she hasn't discussed her feelings with me at all....her best girlfriend told me that she distanced herself from her as well...when i ask her how she's doing, she always says "i'm okay". She went back to work this week and I asked her how her work day is going she responds "its going good, im having fun, everyone is nice to me". Forget friends, i feel like im barely an acquaintance...i have no idea whats going on inside of her...shes giving me distant "im okay" responses. I really dont know what to make of it. We also dont talk on the phone anymore, this is all through text.

 

Do you think she fell out of love? It's just so hard to believe because a day before she passed away, she was ready to move out because she hates her brother and father. She asked me to help her move out her stuff. I even started looking at apartments in person for her a week prior.

 

What i am trying to say is, this is not like her...this is not HER at all. Shes thinking so irrationally (in my opinion)

 

What do i do? if i completely stay away, wont she feel like i don't care? Today i havent texted her even once, im dying to...but i dont know what to do

 

is she still in shock? denial? im so frustrated, i miss her soo much and would bring the world to her, but shes not letting me

 

 

Also, if she wanted me to completely stay away and move on...why did she keep asking me to promise that ill always be friends with her?

Twenty-ten Established Member

Twenty-ten

Posted
Posted

rimmasum I think she is confused, I think she is dealing with a lot of pain and grief and some people cope by pushing people away when they are going through deep sorrow.

What i am trying to say is, this is not like her...this is not HER at all. Shes thinking so irrationally (in my opinion)

 

It's not her, you are right it is her body but not the person you know. Depression does this to people, it changes who they are momentarily.

 

What do i do? if i completely stay away, wont she feel like i don't care? Today i havent texted her even once, im dying to...but i dont know what to do

 

I think you need to support her as a friend for a while, and see if she comes around and offers you a better explanation as to why she is pushing you away. Tell her that you are there for her and that you understand her pain that if she needs you, you are there for her. But ultimately you will have to decide if this is something you can do long term. Everything is still too fresh and she may not even understand why she is pushing you away, so if you really love her and want to be by her side you should give her space and let her deal with this the way she is.

 

Also, if she wanted me to completely stay away and move on...why did she keep asking me to promise that ill always be friends with her?

 

Because I think she needs you more than anything as a friend right now. A lot of couples suffer a period of disconnect when one partner loses a close loved one, some people just retreat and shut everyone out including the person they love most. I don't know if she has fallen out of love but it sounds like more than likely she is confused and grief stricken and this is how she is coping, it is unfortunate for you though as I feel you are also experiencing a loss.

 

 

An exboyfriend of mine had contacted me on FB a few years ago and he was going through some issues with his current girfriend and he told me that she had lost her brother to cancer and that she couldn't seem to get over it and it was always a point of contention in their relationship. I told him to be patient with her and to be supportive of her pain and his response was "well they weren't even close when he was alive so I think it's an excuse anyway" I thought that was really callous of him and I think that people react differently to death and only they know what losing someone close does to you psychologically, it's not as cut and dry as "well it's been x amount of time you should be over it now" people all deal with loss differently.

  • Author
rimmasum New Member

rimmasum

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thank you Twenty Ten

 

I texted her today, sent her a funny picture that had the caption "smile"

she replied and said "i smiled today, did u?"

i replied saying "yay, i'm so glad you smiled today, have a good rest of the evening, hope you enjoy the weather"

 

she responds, "thank u, u too..arent u excited it's so nice out? i am :) "

 

i go "its beautiful outside! take a nice long relaxing walk, tomorrow will be just as nice"

 

she goes, "yup supposed to be really pretty :) "

 

all these smileys, i know shes putting up a front....so i respond a while later and go

 

"I'm one of the few people, maybe the only, that can see through your exterior, I know when you're hurting. Correction, i feel when you're hurting, if you talk to me, i can help you through it, i can assist with your healing. I will never pressure you, but know that you never have to put up a front with me, I know at work you may have to and maybe sometimes in your house, but never with me. I've learned we all grieve differently. I care, more than you can ever imagine and more than i can ever show. I know sometimes it feels like you're standing still and the world around you is moving forward now. It's a tough feeling. Know that i'm standing still right next to you. I haven't budged an inch. I want to give you your space but at the same time want you to know that if sometimes you need someone to listen, even for a moment, i am here. I'm prepared to help you through your rollercoaster of emotions. That is the purpose of the this text. People may move on and lose sight of where you are. I never will. Genuine words from me to you"

 

What do you guys think? I did that because she's never sent smileys like that when she was fine but her mom passed away 2 weeks ago and she's putting up this happiness front...i just wanted her to know that she doesnt have to cause i feel it could consume her if she bottles it up inside

 

did i do the right thing, for her sake?

adamt Established Member

adamt

Posted
Posted (edited)

i've been where you are. girlfriend mum had cancer for about 8 months before passing away. we were planning to buy a house together and everything seemed fine. then in the last few months as her mom was getting more ill she started to be more distant with me. she got closer to her sisters and father. i was getting pushed away. she was didnt want to open up to me about it all. anyway, she split up with me the day they buried her moms ashes. she because very cold and distant towards me.

 

There is not a lot you can do, you just have to give her space and let her work out what she wants.Hope that she will eventually miss you. losing a parent can change someones outlook on life, expecially if they were close. Her head will be all over the place and not wanting to be with anyone else right now.

 

sadly in my situation there was no happy outcome. Its hard to deal with because I feel if her mom didnt die from cancer we would most probably still be together.

 

the way i see it now is that in times of grief you get closer to the ones you love the most. it brings a couple closer. I have a friend who's mom died too and he split up with his girlfriend.

Edited by adamt
Eisenhower Established Member

Eisenhower

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry. Your story is very similar to mine. My girl and I were together for a little more than a year when her dad died of cancer. It literally changed her and was the beginning of the end for us. I hope that's not the case for you, but there seems to be something about the loss of a parent - especially when it's the only parent they connect with, that can cause them to totally abandon a relationship for something they perceived was wrong, but never wrong enough to act on before.

 

Hang in there - I hope the best for you. Don't pressure her, whatever you do - that's spells certain doom. But only you can decide how long you'll wait around.

 

Eisenhower

  • Author
rimmasum New Member

rimmasum

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Eisenhower....

 

im sorry about your gf situation...did you wait for her? did you be her friend in the hopes that she would come back....what exactly happened if u dont mind me asking?

 

thank u

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...