ComeUndone Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 I have a concern and am hoping some of the guys on this forum can shed some light. When a couple decides to move in together they spend a lot more time in each others company. Obviously this takes away from their "private" time, so I am wondering how men are still able to find regular, alone time for masturbating, or if it ceases to be that important once the SO moves in and he is getting the real thing. Maybe it seems silly, but this is a real concern for me. I could see my SO and I moving in together, but given our work hours and his preference of masturbating at night, I can't really see how he would have much opportunity. I fear that he will start to resent me being there every night because he is so used to his nighttime routine when we aren't together. Sometimes our sex life is negatively impacted because he has a difficult time reaching orgasm, and often cannot, if he masturbated the night before... it's just the way he is. Sometimes it feels like he chooses masturbating over our sexual intimacy... he knows he has a long refractory period and that it bothers me he cannot hold off on the nights before we see each other. Often times he will have to get things real kinky in order to get there, which is another issue for me. I love kinky, but not when it's required in order to get off because he ruined his ability to cum with me by masturbating the night before. Yes I know it's not all about the big O, but that is generally the end goal. It is what it is, but this leaves me wondering how HE will be impacted if we ever move in together. He's not a morning person, he works during the day but could have the ability to come home if he wanted, although I doubt he's interested in masturbating in the afternoon - it's just not his routine. He's a bit of a creature of habit. Maybe I'm all wrong, but these are my thoughts. I don't want to feel like I am crowding him or like he is trying to get away from me. Maybe I'm over-reacting, but obviously masturbating is important enough to risk our sex being impacted the next night, so this is a concern for me. What have you guys done when your SO moved in? Did you feel like you had no privacy? Did you start to resent her? Did your drive to masturbate diminish at all once your real life partner was there with you every night?
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 I'd think long and hard. To have this type of problems with sex, how does moving in together help? What will happen is you will find what turns him off (not a warm body obviously) and will probably end up running....
Author ComeUndone Posted March 19, 2010 Author Posted March 19, 2010 I'd think long and hard. To have this type of problems with sex, how does moving in together help? What will happen is you will find what turns him off (not a warm body obviously) and will probably end up running.... I'm not saying it will help.. frankly I have no idea which is why I am hoping guys will respond. This may very well get worse if we move in, and that is precisely what I fear.
Els Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 Uh.. I'm confused. You're not living together now, and he masturbates every night as a routine, right? And it impacts your sex life the next day? How would living together make this any worse or better? It's a valid problem, but it doesn't seem linked in any way to whether or not you're staying together? To address the other part of your question, I've gotten myself off before when the bf wasn't feeling up to sex (we were living together for 2 months). I didn't see a problem with the fact that he was there. He also knows that he's welcome to masturbate whenever he wants, regardless of whether I'm there or not. Why do you think your bf won't masturbate in the shower if you're around? Will you be wanting sex every day when you are? How often do you have sex now?
CarrieT Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 If you are unable to open address your fears and concerns with honesty and frankness about your mutual sex life and his masturbation habits, you are definitely NOT ready to live together.
Mr White Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 (edited) Well, I don't know. I've been thinking about this recently, though not in the context of masturbation. My biggest concern until eventually moving in together is simply that I like a lot of down time - vegetating on the couch and drinking coffee. As for masturbation, i generally try to avoid it at all costs (although I don't currently live with my gf). Maybe I'm getting old at 33, but I figure it would be stupid to risk performance issues just because I had nothing better to do than rub one out. But if I did, I'd use the shower, use the free time due to mismatched schedules etc. Edited March 19, 2010 by Mr White
MichelleZB Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 Hmm... something seems a bit fishy in this story. I wonder if there is some sexual incompatibility kink-wise that you guys haven't hashed through yet. From reading what you wrote, it seems he has certain sexual desires or needs that you seem a bit dismissive of; on the other side, he doesn't seem like he's communicating stuff to you and is hiding stuff or just brushing you off. It sounds like you guys resent each other a little. Am I right?
Author ComeUndone Posted March 19, 2010 Author Posted March 19, 2010 Uh.. I'm confused. You're not living together now, and he masturbates every night as a routine, right? And it impacts your sex life the next day? No, we are not living together. We generally see each other 3-4 times per week, and we don't have sex every night we see each other because we may get to bed too late or whatever. I doubt he masturbates EVERY night he's alone, just that IF he does and we have sex the next evening, he will have a hard time reaching orgasm. How would living together make this any worse or better? I guess I'm thinking that moving in together would mean he has less opportunity to masturbate, and obviously refraining from masturbating the night before we see each other is too hard for him or sex with me is not justification enough to hold off one night, or he's just too selfish and doesn't care enough to think beyond the moment. It's a valid problem, but it doesn't seem linked in any way to whether or not you're staying together? It's linked if me moving in makes him resentful because he doesn'thave the privacy to jack off any ol' time he feels like it. Matter of fact, I might get resentful if he is choosing his hand over having sex. To address the other part of your question, I've gotten myself off before when the bf wasn't feeling up to sex (we were living together for 2 months). I didn't see a problem with the fact that he was there. He also knows that he's welcome to masturbate whenever he wants, regardless of whether I'm there or not. Why do you think your bf won't masturbate in the shower if you're around? Will you be wanting sex every day when you are? How often do you have sex now? I doubt he would want to masturbate in the shower - what he would want is to lock his bedroom door and turn on the porn. That's the way it's done with him. Weird if I am living there, dontchya think? It seems to me that the logical fix for this right now is him choosing to not masturbate on nights when we will be seeing each other the next day, because it's not like there aren't multiple night in a row when are not together. This is logical to all right? Well this has been an on-going issue for me... we have talked about it and he knows orgasming can be a problem and he knows how I feel about it, yet he still jacks-off before the nights we are to see each other. Not every time but enough, and it's evident in his performance. Then as he struggles to get there he adds in kinkier maneuvers that I prefer to keep to a minimum, merely becaue he cannot cum otherwise - and sometimes these don't even get him there. It's very frustrating and it makes me feel like shhiit. So if this is what I am dealing with right now then what do you think it would be like if we live together? Do guys start turning more to the real deal when it's there every night and readily available? I'm not sure what to expect, and this issue is something I really have to consider because it could be a huge problem for either one of us IMO.
Author ComeUndone Posted March 19, 2010 Author Posted March 19, 2010 If you are unable to open address your fears and concerns with honesty and frankness about your mutual sex life and his masturbation habits, you are definitely NOT ready to live together. I have. See the above post. I have not "put my foot down" or made a huge stink about it, but it has been discussed.
just_some_guy Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 Never caused a performance issue for me, except for maybe an hour or so right after. I guess not everyone is the same, but I don't see a problem there.
xxoo Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 we have talked about it and he knows orgasming can be a problem and he knows how I feel about it, yet he still jacks-off before the nights we are to see each other. Not every time but enough, and it's evident in his performance. Then as he struggles to get there he adds in kinkier maneuvers that I prefer to keep to a minimum, merely becaue he cannot cum otherwise - and sometimes these don't even get him there. It's very frustrating and it makes me feel like shhiit.. I'm not generally anti-porn, but it sounds like porn is bad news for your guy. If he does not agree, I'd take that as a red flag. If he does agree, I'd support him in working out that issue....but insist that the issue is worked out before moving in. From what you've said, I think it is highly likely he's addicted to porn, and it is affecting his ability to enjoy a "normal" sexual relationship.
Author ComeUndone Posted March 19, 2010 Author Posted March 19, 2010 Hmm... something seems a bit fishy in this story. I wonder if there is some sexual incompatibility kink-wise that you guys haven't hashed through yet. From reading what you wrote, it seems he has certain sexual desires or needs that you seem a bit dismissive of; on the other side, he doesn't seem like he's communicating stuff to you and is hiding stuff or just brushing you off. It sounds like you guys resent each other a little. Am I right? I suppose I do resent him a little over this. I think he's being a selfish, or inconsiderate at the very least. I do feel I am getting brushed off to a degree.
Author ComeUndone Posted March 19, 2010 Author Posted March 19, 2010 I'm not generally anti-porn, but it sounds like porn is bad news for your guy. If he does not agree, I'd take that as a red flag. If he does agree, I'd support him in working out that issue....but insist that the issue is worked out before moving in. From what you've said, I think it is highly likely he's addicted to porn, and it is affecting his ability to enjoy a "normal" sexual relationship. I think he may have an issue with porn as well, but I hate to try to tell him that is my perspective. I'm sure he wouldn't be willing to give it up nor would I expect him to, but not jacking off before our nights together would be nice. Porn is not a fight I care to get into - normally the porn wouldn't bother me but this is hard on me, in a couple ways actually - 1st by his inability to orgasm and 2nd because he frequently needs that kinky, more hard-core stuff to get off. Different thread I guess. Let me just add... it's not this way all the time, but enough to be an issue.
Wifecrazy Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 There is a problem, whether or not it can be see. I do not know, or have ever known a guy who could not wait a day, especially knowing you are there and willing. Moving in, considering circumstances looks like a mistake to me.
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