kevinm1019 Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 So here we are again... I am at my wits end. Since I found out my fiancee was sleeping with a man she met on the internet after three weeks... my life has been hell. Her reasoning... I wanted to feel desired and I didn't think you loved me. Here's the catch... we've been together for 13 years... (1) I've helped her raise her son since he was 4 years old and he has become a very disrespectful and unappreciative teenager who is depressed and on the verge of suicide, (2) I remained by her side when her parents told me I wasn't good enough to be with her and our lives would be hard because I'm Afro-American, (3) I have been mentally, physically, emotionally abused by her at times throughout this relationship, (4) she had challenges putting closure to a relationship with an ex who did not want to commit to her, not once... but twice and I gave her the opportunity to explore her feelings and suggested a separation to give her time then talk (5) she wants to limit my interaction and levels of discipline with my stepson despite the fact he is a "D - F" student, lacks discipline, is disrespectful and is very spoiled and (6) I have told her to quit working and go to school full-time and I would support her in her dream to become a nurse. And I she didn't know that I loved her?!!! In addition, I take her out on dates, I have bought her flowers, taken her to events and been very romantic and intimate in bed (whatever the situation called for)... so I don't get it. Yes... we had a rough patch at one point because she was rejecting me intimately based on my frustration with the multiple times she was involved with her ex and I cheated on her. It was wrong and not only did I acknowledge that... we both sat down and discussed our relationship... then decided we loved each other, would forgive each other and move past the mistakes we have both made. So why the this?!! How do you meet a man on the internet on a dating website, tell him all the things you are not happy with in your current relationship... then make the decision to sleep with him because he responded to all the information you gave him with words of encouragement, desires, intimacy or whatever?!!! Then come home and sleep with your mate of 13 years on the same night?!!! With no remorse... the bad thing about this is a few weeks later... my stepson was talking about ending his life, I scheduled an emergency appointment for Psychiatry to have him evaluated, found out he was severely depressed and needed and intervention... and two days later, my fiancee was making plans to double date with her boyfriend, her cousin and a friend of his. Who does that?!! You can't even put your desire for sex and another man aside to cope with your depressed/suicidal son?!! An her reasoning when we talked about... "I already had those plans and I was pissed at him..." What kind of person can't put a strange man aside to deal with the issues in her relationship or her son's suicidal tendencies? Now let's fast forward to last night... As of late, when my phone rings or she sees me responding to a text, she wants to know who I'm talking to... what I'm doing? Ummm reality check... not that I'm doing anything... but are you kidding me? Yeah... she expresses remorse, she tells me she made a terrible mistake and calls herself a "whore"... but realistically... this is a product of her having a severe fall and shattering her kneecap on the day she was supposed to go on her double date with her boyfriend and cousin. (Just an FYI... I found out she was cheating on me through her text messaging while I was sitting in the emergency room with her and needed to contact her parents from out of state to let them know she would need 24 hour a day care per her doctor). Of course you feel remorseful... because you have a need and your boyfriend won't do it because you were a 3 week affair and a "easy romp in the hay"... and it's no longer fun because you've been discovered... your cousin is embarrassed because she knows how much I trusted her and does not know how to face the issue to make it better... (not that it is her fault in any way because my fiancee made the decision on her own)... but you didn't have to let her use your bedroom to have sex in!! So the straw that broke the camel's back is this for me... her parents asked me not to give her a hard time about this right now because she is going through a lot medically because of her knee injury... ummmm ok... then last night, my fiancee was having trouble connecting to our wireless network to send some information to her boss... and she came upstairs with her mother... and her and her mother implied I did something to her laptop to take away internet access. And they both had this attitude towards me!! Is that some BS or what?!!!!!! So when I address the issue with her and her mom... her mom tells me... "well you might be a little emotional." Are you kidding me? Since before I found out and after I found out... I've been the model mate... taking care of everything... now after I found out... I've cared for my fiancee, fed her, bathed her, purchased medical equipment to make her comfortable and held my feelings in check... along with dealing with our depressed/suicidal son because she was wrapped up in herself...and I get this crap?!!!!! Somebody help me out here because I'm about to lose it. The reality of the matter is... I cannot leave... she can't move around on her own and considering I appear to be the only stable mind in the home... her son may do something desperate which may would also affect our 11 year son who is aware of the situation with the infidelity and my depressed stepson... why... because she told my stepson who told our 11 year old.... AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Any feedback you guys can provide to help provide strength and reasoning... I would be eternally grateful.
Bryanp Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 Your situation is horrible. Why do you continue to address her as your fiancee? You can't be seriously consider marrying her? If you had not caught her then she would probably be still sleeping with him and putting your health at risk for STD's and lying behind your back. I would not wish to keep my own children in this toxic environment. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be so accepting and helpful as you are? She has played you for a fool and it sounds like she continues to do so.
AAlike Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 Here's my first question to you, OP - Are you still interested in attempting to salvage a healthy romantic relationship with this woman? Or are you at this point only concerned with her and your children and the household collapsing if you decide to pack up and get out? I had a friend that got into this situation - he moved in with a woman that was a single mother...and once he was there for a month or so, her behavior did a 180 (I never confirmed, but my guess is that she had a history of addiction and her child was the only reason she had been clean, and once he moved in and was able to share in the rearing duties, she went back off of the wagon). The problem was he formed an attachment to her kid (a great kid BTW) and even though he got to a point where he couldn't even stand to be in the same room with her, he did not want to move out for fear of what she'd do to her own kid. He actually talked to a lawyer to see if there was any way he could try and get custody.
Author kevinm1019 Posted March 19, 2010 Author Posted March 19, 2010 Here's my first question to you, OP - Are you still interested in attempting to salvage a healthy romantic relationship with this woman? Or are you at this point only concerned with her and your children and the household collapsing if you decide to pack up and get out? I had a friend that got into this situation - he moved in with a woman that was a single mother...and once he was there for a month or so, her behavior did a 180 (I never confirmed, but my guess is that she had a history of addiction and her child was the only reason she had been clean, and once he moved in and was able to share in the rearing duties, she went back off of the wagon). The problem was he formed an attachment to her kid (a great kid BTW) and even though he got to a point where he couldn't even stand to be in the same room with her, he did not want to move out for fear of what she'd do to her own kid. He actually talked to a lawyer to see if there was any way he could try and get custody. Really that is amazing... I'm just having a huge challenge because I really do love her. Just having trouble dealing with the thoughts and feelings.
AAlike Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 Really that is amazing... I'm just having a huge challenge because I really do love her. Just having trouble dealing with the thoughts and feelings. so ideally, you would like to continue a romantic relationship, in spite of the affair, which, apparently she has enlisted the help of her family in order to justify to you, and the mental and physical abuse that she's put you through?? If there were no kids, nor financial burden, you'd still be trying to piece this back together?
Author kevinm1019 Posted March 19, 2010 Author Posted March 19, 2010 so ideally, you would like to continue a romantic relationship, in spite of the affair, which, apparently she has enlisted the help of her family in order to justify to you, and the mental and physical abuse that she's put you through?? If there were no kids, nor financial burden, you'd still be trying to piece this back together? To be honest with you. I don't know. It's hard because we have 13 years... most people cannot say they have 13 years with someone. Ya know?!! Wait!!! I was born in Pittsburgh, PA and my sister lives in East Hills!!! That is great!!
lostsunsets Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 She is treating you this way because she has not had to be without you. You need to ask her a couple of questions. 1." I wonder if the guy you let nail you would mind splitting the duty with me caring for you. And could you please give him a call to ask him?" 2. When you got all dolled up to go and see this guy, did you think of the last time you got dolled up for me? 3. Since you were already screwing this guy and treating him better then me. I guess that answers the question of what I could expect of you if I was ever injured and laid up like you. 4. Would you mind if I took some pictures of you while you are going through this convalescence, so that when you are well again and feel like spreading your legs for this or another guy, I can show them to you in hopes of changing your mind about cheating on me again? (Actually I would just snap the pictures and when she asks you why you're doing it, I would tell her this) 5. Ask her if she plans on inviting this guy to come over and see her, if she will do you the courtesy of letting you know so you can go out, as the mental images of them having sex together is hard enough without knowing what he actually looks like. 6. Now that our son knows what contempt you hold me in. And how little you respect me and the love I have for you. Can you please tell him that this was not the norm when two people love each other. So that when he grows up he will not look at all women like they will inevitably cheat on him? I think that these are some very thought provoking questions for her.
Author kevinm1019 Posted March 19, 2010 Author Posted March 19, 2010 She is treating you this way because she has not had to be without you. You need to ask her a couple of questions. 1." I wonder if the guy you let nail you would mind splitting the duty with me caring for you. And could you please give him a call to ask him?" 2. When you got all dolled up to go and see this guy, did you think of the last time you got dolled up for me? 3. Since you were already screwing this guy and treating him better then me. I guess that answers the question of what I could expect of you if I was ever injured and laid up like you. 4. Would you mind if I took some pictures of you while you are going through this convalescence, so that when you are well again and feel like spreading your legs for this or another guy, I can show them to you in hopes of changing your mind about cheating on me again? (Actually I would just snap the pictures and when she asks you why you're doing it, I would tell her this) 5. Ask her if she plans on inviting this guy to come over and see her, if she will do you the courtesy of letting you know so you can go out, as the mental images of them having sex together is hard enough without knowing what he actually looks like. 6. Now that our son knows what contempt you hold me in. And how little you respect me and the love I have for you. Can you please tell him that this was not the norm when two people love each other. So that when he grows up he will not look at all women like they will inevitably cheat on him? I think that these are some very thought provoking questions for her. Well... I'll be honest. Those thoughts have crossed my mind. I actually had a few moments where I snapped at her for being so inconsiderate by risking herself and our lives. One thing I shared with her is she could've went and met this guy and he could've killed her... but that was one of many scenarios which ran through my mind.
lostsunsets Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 In truth, You waiting on her hand and foot for the next six months only reinforces her taking advantage of you in the future. Think about it. 6 months of meeting all her needs without her ever meeting any of your needs. She has cuckolded you and this accident only encourages that selfish behavior.
seibert253 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Kevin, research the 180, read it, and start right now. She will NEVER change until she starts seeing and feeling the consequences of her actions. I'm sorry, but if I were in your situation, she can bath, feed, and do everything for herself. If she doesn't like it, she can move out and see if the OM will do all that for her. Dude she's totally taking advantage of you. You need to start standing up for yourself and she need to see you're not gonna take her sh#t anymore. Be crystal clear with her, clean up her act, or get the F out.
Author kevinm1019 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 Kevin, research the 180, read it, and start right now. She will NEVER change until she starts seeing and feeling the consequences of her actions. I'm sorry, but if I were in your situation, she can bath, feed, and do everything for herself. If she doesn't like it, she can move out and see if the OM will do all that for her. Dude she's totally taking advantage of you. You need to start standing up for yourself and she need to see you're not gonna take her sh#t anymore. Be crystal clear with her, clean up her act, or get the F out. For everyone who has responded... I have done that very thing. Told her to get her act together... quit looking to make excuses or act like a victim and get her sh*t together. I left last night, went and stayed in a hotel... didn't respond to her text messages... and went out for a few drinks. Time to start thinking about me and taking my life back. Afro Samurai will return soon!!! LOL!!!
seibert253 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 For everyone who has responded... I have done that very thing. Told her to get her act together... quit looking to make excuses or act like a victim and get her sh*t together. I left last night, went and stayed in a hotel... didn't respond to her text messages... and went out for a few drinks. Time to start thinking about me and taking my life back. Afro Samurai will return soon!!! LOL!!! Bravo Kevin. Stay the course, 180, detach, and stick with it. NC, NC, NC. As far as your concerned, she fell off the face of the earth. One of two things will happen; she'll "see the light" and get her act together, or she'll continue her present course and "never get it". Either way you're golden. What happens with this relationship is now up to you. Use this power to your advantage.
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