conductor Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 (edited) I am English and have been working in Libya since November last year. She is Moroccan and we met in January 2009 and had been living together in the UK. She went back to Morocco, her country for the pregnancy at the same time I left for Libya, to pay off debts, save the wedding and the baby. It has been 2 months now since we argued on the phone. My fault of course....being insecure and doubting her love/intentions for being with me and voicing my concerns about her wanting to marry for the right reasons. I have a lot of work to do on self esteem!! She yelled at me, raging away for 10 minutes and the call ended. She was 14 weeks pregnant, the second unplanned pregnancy in a year, we lost the first at 20 weeks last July. I had recently sent her $500 towards doctors bills etc but hadn't even said thanks. Her emails to me were getting fewer and fewer and being in Libya, bored, lonely and depressed and missing her I was plummeting into paranoia and depression and jealousy. I know that she was depressed too, being the first trimester and me being in another country so I really should have kept my mouth shut that day! Stupidly I then sent her an email outlining the reasons why I didn't fully trust her and asking her to respond. Since that time in mid January I have sent countless emails, cards, letters and texts. She is no longer using the simcard I bought her and her house phone number is no longer in use. I sent a letter DHL and offered to fly out to her country, Morocco, with the engagement ring but to everything I have sent..... No response. In that phone call 2 months ago when I rashly told her I didn't trust her she had wildly declared that she prayed for a miscarraige and that she wanted an abortion! I do not know if she is still pregnant because she will not talk to me but I pray that she still is pregnant. Somehow I think she isn't as she would have contacted me. The baby was due this July. It has been the toughest 2 months of my life. I think I cracked up along the way. I haven't been to Morocco because i was sure that I would be ignored....doors slammed in my face etc because she hadn't contacted me once. So I have been here in Libya, going slowly out of my mind with this website, self improvement books and work my only distraction. I read last week about closure on this site and have finally come round to the fact that she has moved on, is no longer pregnant and will not contact me again. Surely if she still was she would have got in touch? This is the girl I wanted to marry. I am 40 years old now and was convinced that she was the one. Low self esteem is a relationship destroyer, well, it was in this case!! My insecurity got the better of me and I should have waited to speak to her face to face. I have a whole lot of regrets and cannot get her out of my head. Allday long. But I know that NC is now the only solution and that if she had loved me she would have come back. Conductor Edited March 19, 2010 by conductor
monkeymaid Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 my opinion. ...if you love her, you will move mountains to be with her, especially after that show! get off your arse, and fly to morocco. low self esteem got you into this mess, and its keeping you stuck where you are.. ...go see if she still ther. show up, make the effort.
Author conductor Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 Thanks Monkeymaid, I have booked a flight to Morocco from Libya for Thursday night and will go to her address to see if she is still there. I will be honest with my feelings for her if I am able to talk to her. If she does not want to talk to me then you are right, at least she will know that I cared enough about her to go to Morocco and try to apologise in person, that I am serious about taking care of her and giving her my love for the rest of her life. I have been a selfish pig. I will move mountains to be a better man. All I can do from now on in life is the right thing everyday. I have no expectations she will see me and am steeling myself for being blanked but bad behaviour deserves an apology and that is what I will do. Going there is something I should have done weeks ago.
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