Trying to conquer the fear that he will compare his SECOND marriage to his FIRST...

[Thinkalot]

Hi everyone. If you've been around this site for a while, you'll know I am in the process of overcoming rather obsessive thinking about my boyfriend's past...and insecurity over his first marriage.ex-wife, self-esteem issues etc. As I have already posted, with the help of counselling, friends,family, books etc, I am truly doing a lot better and feeling better in myself, more relaxed and happier. My relationship is also going very well and my partner has noticed the positive changes in me, and is now happier himself as a result.

 

One method I employ (cognitive based) is to identify when an obsessive/insecure thought or question comes in, and then to challenge that negative thought, and rationalise it away, and replace it with new healthier thought patterns. This is a good method, because although the ideal is to simply stop comparing altogether, this cannot always be achieved overnight, and in the interim, something is needed to squash the thoughts (even if the response IS simply- " I don't need to compare!"). Fortunately, the thoughts are also occuring much less often.

 

I am writing, because one area which is tough for me to unstick in my head, is the whole wedding/honeymoon thing. My partner and I are planning to marry (not engaged yet, but hoping to go down that path once I'm fully on top of this stuff). Even though I know it sounds silly, I still sometimes worry that he will compare our wedding/honeymoon to his first. I even worry sometimes about wedding night sex (we recently read an article which said many people are actually too tired on the night to have the passionate sex so often spoken of- this led me to asking him if he had sex on his wedding night (I know I know! BAD question)..and he said "yes"). So now, in my not-balanced moments, I think, what if we don't have sex that night, because we are tired, or whatever.

 

Look, even writing this I can see how ridiculous it sounds. It's not rational. What I am asking for here is, some more ammunition to challenge these stupid time-wasting thoughts when they come into my head. To shoot them down in flames, until they eventually have no life left in them. I'm doing well overall with most of the stuff, it's just these nagging little ones which continue to sometimes pester me.

 

Perhaps you've been married and divorced, and have remarried and can offer me the wisdom of your experience- or reinforce that you did not compare!

 

Moimeme and meanon I could also do with your wise words and straight talk on this one, if you are so inclined.

 

I find all feedback from this site most helpful and grounding...and even though this is only a small issue, I thought I might as well float it out here... Thanks.

[dyermaker]

I'm not who you wanted, but I have one of those interim questions for you. What if you don't have sex that night, because you are tired, or whatever?

 

I think that if he loves you enough to marry you, that's important. And, I think that if he was unhappy enough to divorce his old wife, that's also important. I think that after marrying you, the last thing he'd want to partake in is comparing you to his old wife. I'm not much help, I know, but I'm sure someone else has something better to say.

[Thinkalot]

dyermaker, simple advice is often a great help.

[moimeme]

If you've read Ellis, you've read about 'awfulizing'. You turn minor events into huge mountains of worry. If you are too tired to have sex on the night, you'll both zonk out and then have the tale to tell of how you had so much fun at the wedding, you couldn't even have sex that night. If you do have sex, he's going to be paying attention to what he's doing, trust me on this.

 

Remember, he's a man. He does not spend hours and hours ruminating about relationships. In fact, every time you bring up his old relationships, you remind him when he likely wasn't thinking about it at all. Why would he? He has you, he's happy. Read Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys someday.

http://www.davebarry.com/books.html

 

Here's a quote. Read the whole column. It's worth it!!!

 

And this is only one of the differences between men's and women's brains. Another difference involves a brain part called the ''cingulate gyrus,'' which is the sector where emotions are located. The Reuters article does not describe the cingulate gyrus, but presumably in women it is a structure the size of a mature cantaloupe, containing a vast quantity of complex, endlessly recalibrated emotional data involving hundreds, perhaps thousands of human relationships; whereas in men it is basically a cashew filled with NFL highlights.

http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/columnists/dave_barry/7324952.htm

 

You are terrified that he compares you and that you will come off badly by comparison. You are wrong on both counts. He is not the one with the obsessive thinking - you are. He has better things to do than spend his life comparing you to people from his past.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks for the knock on the head Merry...and for the good reading. At least the comparing/obsessing is happening a LOT less now, and when it does I can usually overcome it much more quickly...it will only keep getting better from here. Phew...I was getting tired of myself!

 

PS I read the column and emailed it to a friend

[moimeme]

At least the comparing/obsessing is happening a LOT less now, and when it does I can usually overcome it much more quickly...

 

Good to hear

 

And any time you need another 'knock' - just holler!

[Thinkalot]

Basically Merry, one of the things I find tough as I work through this issue of mine, is accepting that I don't need to know everything my partner did in his life before me, whether as a single, or in a relationship/marriage! It's as though I am striving for some kind of control or to make sure I have ALL the information so I don't look foolish, or make wrong assumptions. Fear I guess. When in actual fact I don't need to know or worry. I have come to identify this as one of the remaining issues I have, beyond simply comparing myself with the ex (I seem to have a basic handle on that aspect now, as I know I am more than good enough). I realise these things are linked nevertheless.

 

That then sometimes relates to his first wedding...I get driven by wanting to know all the details of the event, and try and not ask too many questions, because of course, the answers don't make me feel any better, and just give my mind something else to turn over and over and have to then dismiss. I already know most things about it, because I HAVE asked the questions!

 

Shutting down that driving voice that says " I need to know everything" is one of the hardest things so far....a lot of the other fears seem to simply be dissipating and falling away. And of course, love breeds love, so the more relaxed and loving I am , the more relaxed and loving my partner is towards me, I then worry less, and love more..and so on!

[meanon]

I agree with Moimeme this thought is characteristic of you, not him - he won't compare. If you need more of an incentive to put this thought to bed think about how sometimes your thoughts have been a self fulfilling prophecy. So if not having sex is an issue for you (because you think it means something) there's the immediate pressure to have sex and your reaction (insecurity) if he does not initiate it. He may well pick up on your feelings and feel he has to give the performance of his life. The result is an anxious evening had by both of you when it could have been a lot of fun. Also it's one of those situations where you are transferring the responsibility for your problem to him, crossing the line between asking for reassurance to asking him to change his behaviour for no reason other than to prevent a worry that has no basis in reality. Hope this helps If it was me the healthier positive thought would be "I will enjoy my wedding night".

 

Glad to see you have realised that what is at first sight the antidote to obsessive thinking (in this case getting all the details in the hope that they will provide the evidence to prove the issue one way or another) actually feeds the obsession. This is often a break through point and underlines the progress you are making. I agree it is essentially an issue of control, the feeling of safety that a ruminative thought/repetitive routine provides in times of anxiety. Of course the ruminative thought provides about the same degree of protection as any other type of obsession (e.g. hand washing!) but the thoughts are much more difficult to stop. Well done on finding an approach that works for you.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks again meanon for the advice. The self fulfilling prophecy is certainly a good thing to remind myself of...so many times the very thing I worry about ends up becoming a reality, BECAUSE of my worry! (ie, I worry he won't want me as much, so I pester and cling, then he DOESN'T want me as much!). Sometimes reminding myself of the consequences is the "knock on the head" I need!

[moimeme]

It's as though I am striving for some kind of control

 

That's exactly what it is. Now picture your life at the end of a leash and see how much you'd like it. You are trying to control everything about him to keep yourself 'safe'. You aren't entitled to do that, nor will it work. Worse, the more you feed that demon, the more it will need. Next time you get those thoughts, say to yourself 'this is sickness dictating to me; I will not let sickness rule my life'. The urge to control is controlling you - that's the battle you need to be fighting.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by moimeme

The urge to control is controlling you - that's the battle you need to be fighting.

 

I know- it's not an easy one either, but certainly one that can I know can be won with patience and perserverance and love. I am slaying the dragon one limb at a time it seems and he is a fighter! He really doesn't want to leave his safe place in my head. Oh well. Tough. He's taken up far too much space for far too long (them there's fightin' words ).

[Thinkalot]

P.S. moimeme and meanon, I guess it's normal for these things to take time to be completely conquered? I have been working hard on this, in conjunction with taking the meds, for about 3 weeks now, and the signs of improvement are clearly there to be seen by me, my bf and even my family who have noticed I seem lighter than before. Sometimes I just want total results right away and when thoughts knock me for a bit of a loop I get a bit frustrated, and then simply try and treat myself with love and patience!

[moimeme]

I guess it's normal for these things to take time to be completely conquered?

 

Oh, goodness, yes! It took a long time to get them 'set' so it will take a while to shake them loose.

 

Sometimes I just want total results right away

 

And that would not be controlling how?

 

Yes, it's causing you grief and you want to be rid of the grief but, as for everything else, there aren't quick fixes. However, you are already seeing improvement and that is great!! Try to focus on the wins and the gains made rather than the road still ahead.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks for holding my hand when I need it.

[meanon]

Thanks for holding my hand when I need it.

 

It's a pleasure I am taking a break from the site but if you want my advice just ask for it - I'll drop by now and then to check if you have posted or you can email me (I'll PM you my address).

 

Do have a chat with your Dr. about timescales. I have to say that 3 weeks for the progress you have made is very quick - probably due in part to the insight you had about the problem when you started taking meds. One psychiatrist's perspective from her own caseload is a cure rate of 10% with drug use alone, higher with combined drug use and CBT but a sizable portion choosing to remain on drugs or spells on drug treatment (partly because the effort to remain anxiety free is very wearing).

 

If the past is anything to go by you are well on the way to getting rid of this problem and I would focus on this rather than worrying about what may happen in the longer term future. The main thing is people do manage to get a grip of the problem and live happy, anxiety free lives and you will too.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks again.