Dated, engaged quickly; I never changed... broken after 3yrs

[djentleman]

First and foremost, I want to thank this community for (distracting me at work! haha) providing me with reader's guidance on how to cope.

 

Our story is long, as many are — worked together, hated each other, started partying together, I kissed her forehead one night and she fell in love. I already was, but it was my first and I was in denial — it didn't take long to admit it! Age gap at that point = 17 and 22 (me). Obviously, between personal/emotional issues, and being at different stages in our lives, I feel responsible for letting a lot of my resentments build and break. I hurt her on several occasions, walking out during heated arguments, because I was all too familiar with that growing up as a child. Like I said, I've come to terms in that I let myself inherit traits that were around me. Yet, the "too late" aspect of learning such poor qualities, and not understanding how and where they developed, having the courage to change it, etc. is the jagged pill I've been swallowing for the past few weeks. Then again, living life in retrospect just does nothing but nauseate me.

 

After some reading last night, I've come to the conclusion that the age-gap created a lot of dependency/co-dependency issues. I was in a band working with a big-time producer, and that "relationship" wasn't working. She was there for me when I threw in the towel after 4-years. Next up was finalizing my portfolio for internships/job-hunting. I do feel now, she didn't fully understand my need for precision. She was always "waiting" for me in these moments and I truly felt poorly for that. But, desperate times called for desperate measures, and we chugged through it! We took a 3-week vacation to Florida that summer, and we were engaged at a mutually favorite spot — we live in the northeast, and nobody knows this "secret location." It was amazing to find someone who shared these interests, that of which I learned before we even dated.

 

She comes from a hard-working mother, one who couldn't always be around to ride her to work, provide rush transportation to the hospital for her asthma attacks, etc. I was that guy. I became used to it. When times were tough at the restaurant and she bailed, I was supportive of her bar-tending gigs. It hurt when other guys looked at her in "that way" and she knew it. She was so devoted and had eyes for only me — I NEVER had that. After about a year of tending, she gave it up — not all for me, but because she had an opportunity to advance in the field she pursued to work. Side-story: when I had days off at college, and she didn't want to go to school, we used to "pretend" I'd take her, skip out and get breakfast, and go back home to have fun, watch tv, listen to music, and you know... after the coast was clear and her mom had already left for work. Now she's pursuing a law degree!

 

At this point, I've covered about the first year-and-a-half.

 

As she got her license, started college part-time and work, and I was advancing in my career, there were a lot of lost moments. She tried to appreciate the free time, but I distanced myself because having been depended on so much beforehand, it was slipping. I was de-maturing, so to speak — I was struggling to depend on her to allow me to provide for her. When she was busy with her work, I re-initiated my love for music, which became a huge distraction to the relationship (isolating myself in my man-cave). Around this time, we had some moments. Her history of anger management and mine (depression/anger) fueled a lot of tough ones. She's tough to begin with, but... you know, having been handled by my mother on more than one occasion, moments where I'd want to step outside and calm myself would result in her pulling for me, and lash out, flail the arms, and had come in contact with a physically abusive self. Though, not in my defense, I never took a closed fist to her. This happened a nice (4) times in our relationship; it's hard for me to admit to it, but that's a person and part of myself I wish to bury, and in many ways, I have already started that job.

 

Anyway, as a musician, I strive for perfect, because there's that sense of failure or resentment or self-loathing/self-esteem issues to where, people know me more for what I do rather than who I actually am. I've been deemed "weird." Having been laid off from work for a few weeks last year, I started rigorous practices, had two chances within 6-months to hop onboard an up-and-coming project (which has now blown up), but I declined. I felt I needed to be a provided — be a man. I went about it in all the wrong ways, and I've learned. It built a large frustration, and I resented and blamed her. I lived in regret. Now, I can't even imagine how much that hurt her — I was putting myself out there for a career where I'd be long-gone for months at a time. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

 

So, as it stands, after 3-years, we are finished. As I said, I had hurt her, walked, and was breaking her heart little-by-little after year one. It hit me hard, I began changing, but my chances were gone — she transcended years of pain onto me at once, and for that, I cannot blame her. The tough part is this: my mom is in the process of moving and has been taking the situation hard, as she loved this girl as though she'd birthed her herself. Living with her is not an option, and plus, she provided a large part of that negative side of me, though I'm no longer pointing fingers (like I said: that was my choice). It's been nearly a month, and we're civil, cordial, doing our thing, and it is what it is — living separate lives within the same household. I've been looking for room mates, have a few things lined up, but have had the opportunity to change my life, move and take advantage of another musical opportunity that came up as of yesterday. Since she's better restraining NC, I feel this may be my big chance at distance. This is my own choice, but... just a few takes, maybe?:

 

My company just cut salaries 10%; taking on all the responsibilities of living on my own, working a job I let fuel my anger/misery... it's tough sitting all day, everyday and checking my phone. My inbox is empty, and consequently, so am I. I feel I could easily slip, now that I am alone, into not changing for myself. I could become Mr. Miserable Djentleman again, as I had. So, (though it is my decision) when it's all said and done, I want what I can't have. I'm wondering, being she was my first true love and intimate partner... make the leap of just going big with changes that will certainly change my life, depriving myself from the ability to invade her space and implement the NC methods whilst changing? We love each other, are in love with each other still, and she can forgive me but not forget. I just want her. I just don't know how to handle this.

[bubbles5]

PLS PLS SUMMARIZE YOUR PROBLEMS

 

Anyways i have read bits here and there I think you shoudl get back to her and atleast check out if she talks to you.If she is badly hurt then leave her bcos no one takes someone bak when they get badly hurt.But since you ppl have gone through so much I think she might reconsider.Secondly just staying togather or being togather cannot make someone fall in love.Its a natural spark , you might b just missing her company.Be polite 2 her

[djentleman]

Thanks Bubbles5, and sorry for all the ambiguous details.

 

In short, we both changed, but from her being completely dependent on me and then maturing to almost complete independence — I developed dependency issues as a result, which I hadn't confronted nor grew out of — yet her insisting we do almost all things together (e.g. going to visit her best friend; one who had hinted being attracted to me {not the other way around though:)}, with whom I could only carry conversations regarding the arts)... Any suggestions of her just going alone became more or less a sin. I forced myself away, not by going out, but working on other things I wanted to achieve... isolated myself and worked at everything save for being a better man, and a better man to and for her. My patience, attitude, and demeanor all deteriorated, and I chalked it up to (never realized I had a problem at that point... being miserable was just who I thought I was/meant to be!) that we were quite possibly falling out of love. I expressed for myself this, and expressed her feelings for her, as that's how I was reading her.

 

When the storm began, my words, full of conviction, and my expression of my love was shown all too late.

 

*As of last night, since we still are living together (mainly to avoid financial issues for her... I've become co-dependent, BUT have taken up a 'no strings' policy. I don't want to see people struggle, and want to give for the sake of giving for once!) — we are mature with each other, taking care of our dog, giving space, watching TV together, but curbing emotions, intimacy and the like at the door — I gave her the scoop on my plans.

 

I was only a heads up: looking for places, receiving a 10% pay-cut at work, and this being the point where I wouldn't be running, but I'm in the clear to make a fresh start, and maybe succeed at the desired musical career. She agrees it should be done, but at the same time, I may have taken her support the wrong way, as she followed up from "Things are really going great for you. But... I feel like things are going to **** for me." She needed a hug, but that's not why I'm there, and I know I'd be reprimanded for it.

 

She suggested before I move out, we take a "family photo" with the dog — I can understand that. We are, in many regards, still a family, and will always be one when we're a whole.

 

The most difficult part was when I suggested we take a 3-year-old bottle of Southern Comfort and dump the contents: ocean water and sand we collected during our first vacation. She did not agree, and regarded it as a "staple." In short, we collected that bottle to think of Florida when we wanted to escape from our current location, when we were down — realistically, the name says it all! Anyway, she seemed hurt by the suggestion. But, I chalked it up to those of a cremated individual's ashes, and in moving on, how would another react to that "staple" or symbol, as it's a staple of our relationship and our master plan for the future (moving south). She said we could split it; I said maybe the best thing would be to take it this year with her, and let it go... She responded with an "I guess... maybe."

 

It's only awkward when we let it be, but I don't know. Sidenote: I'm feeling good today!