Is it worth it to try tying up all the loose ends? (In serious need here)

March 18, 2010

It's been 8 months since I found out I was being cheated on. I haven't gone NC for more than a week or two since the discovery. I've thought I had closure at least (what feels like) a million times, but I'm starting to think it's impossible to achieve. I know she's still telling lies. I know there are details of her indiscretion (that the OM confirmed) that she still won't admit to. I know a lot, but I just can't handle that there's so much more I'll never know.

In the past several months, we've had a lot of sex. We've had some good times, infrequent glimpses of what we once were, but many more bad times that have dragged out the heartbreak for far too long. Sometimes I wish I never spoke to her again after the day I found out. I've spent the past 8 months seeking closure and nothing ever feels like appropriate end. Does such a thing exist?

It's especially hard when none of the girls I've been with since the break-up compare to her. I don't have the same connection or attraction, and some nights I've even turned down new girls and run back to the one who completely destroyed me. What am I still searching for? We both know it's over. We both know we could have been amazing together. At this point, it's pretty clear that it'll never work, but we continue to hang on.

Do I just go NC from here and stop trying to make sense of it? Lately I've been distracting myself anytime my mind wanders to her (usually her having sex with the OM) and forcing positive thoughts on myself. I do have a lot to look forward to in the near post-graduation future, and thoughts of my new career, city, and women have helped but I'm still pretty messed up.

Our last contact was yesterday. She texted me: "Just kill yourself. I don't even care anymore." It seems naive, but I know she doesn't mean that. She's trying to make herself fall out of love with me because I've messed her up pretty badly too, but we both know I could call her to come over and have sex right now, and she'd be here. These habits are killing both of us and I'm at a loss.

Having NC for even the last 24 hours feels mostly good, but I'm still plagued by the worst thoughts almost constantly. I still have soooo many questions. I'm still looking for different answers to the ones she's answered. I wanna get to the point where I'm not forcing positive thoughts. The point when they're the norm because I'm over her. I never thought I'd have made such little progress almost a year later, but I really loved her.

What do I do LoveShack?! Please help me.

March 18, 2010

"just kill yourself"

Wow! What a b%tch.

Why are you even wasting 15 seconds of your time worrying about this. That sentence says it all.

You need to go NC and as far as you're concerned, she fell off the face of the earth.

You deserve better.

March 18, 2010

I still have soooo many questions.

Ok, what questions?

March 18, 2010

You need to stick to NC. Any question you ask will not get you answers just more questions. All contact will simple reminder her that she is a low quality human being, and she will take it out on you rather then having to courage to look closely at herself.

Remember her cheating show disrespect toward you, do not agree with her attitude staying in contact with her. All it shows her is that you do not think you deserve her respect. Right you have to keep up the difficult work of positive thoughts, exercise, NC, staying away from substances,eating well, ect ect ect. It take time and even though it was 8 months ago, you are jsut starting the healing process now. So be kind to yourself and allow yourself to heal and understand picking the scab again will just extend the pain.

March 20, 2010

I wound up seeing her the same night (Thursday) I posted this. We were together from about 11:00 pm to 10:00 am. 80% of the time we were fighting and arguing. 20% of the time we were having amazing, passionate sex, holding each other, talking to each other, and saying how much we love each other.

The drama started because of a text message she got. When she checked it she mentioned how it was some girlfriend of hers and gave me an entire back story. That felt like overcompensation and I sensed that she was lying. Of course, she was lying and the text was from some guy she's hooked up with since we broke up. To make matters worse, it was clear that she'd deleted messages from her outbox and was most likely texting him before meeting up with me, but she insisted that his text was random ("even if the sky was falling" is not a random text someone sends at 1:00 am) and blew up at me for not believing her.

You can imagine how this kicked off a night of fights and arguments. She's a pathological liar. Months before I discovered she was cheating, I noticed driving directions to the guy who she cheated with's house in her history, on a night I couldn't get a hold of her. She lost it and flipped over tables and all sorts of stuff because she couldn't believe I was accusing her of cheating. Sure enough, she was. Things like that are why it's impossible to believe anything she says.

Still, we love each other very much and things eventually calmed down. From like 6:00 am on, we were extremely passionate and loving and nice to each other. Spring break started that day (Friday) and we agreed to go NC for the entire break, because we'd inevitably argue about something and screw up each other's trips.

We made plans to see each other on the day we get back to school to get drinks and dinner and talk about our break. The last thing we said to each other was "I love you." The problem is, I'm enjoying the NC this break has afforded us, even one day into it. I don't trust her at all and I'd really like to stop dragging things out and just continue never talking to her. But how should I go about it? Should I: 1) simply text her "let's continue to not talk, even after break" 2) send her an email thoroughly explaining how i feel and why i don't want to talk anymore, or 3) remain completely NC, ignore her calls and texts when we get back to school, and flake out on the dinner plans?

I love her so much but I don't trust her AT ALL, still hate her for what she did, and absolutely need her out of my life so she can stop breaking my heart so often. Suggestions?

March 20, 2010

You need to actually BELIEVE that you deserve better and don't want to be treated this way. Then you need to follow through on the NC as a form of self respect.

This girl is playing you, man. There's no reason for her not to commit to you if she really loves you.

March 20, 2010

If you've decided it isn't going to work (which sounds like a sensible idea) then yes you should keep up the NC. Anything else will make it impossible to actually break away from her.

But don't just disapear without saying anything. If the last contact you had was a screaming row when she told you to die or that she cheated on you, I wouldn't have a problem with that, but it wasn't. You made plans and left each other amicably. She deserves to know what is going on, and it will be better for you to have conciously made a decision, and to prevent her contacting you trying to find out why you're not talking to her when you said you would. When you're dealing with a lier make sure you keep your word, you'll feel better for it.

An email, or even better, a handwritten letter, explaining how you feel is how I would go here. Be honest, stick to your decision. And come on here and bitch when you need to.

March 21, 2010

I called her and told her I don't trust her and it'll never work without trust. She blew up at me and it sucks because I love her and I'm just trying to be honest about how I feel, but of course I'm the villain when she was lying as recently as Thursday. She's probably gonna slut out and **** a bunch of guys while on break as some sort of silent revenge. Whatever. I'm done with her.

March 22, 2010

Day 1 of NC people. This has to be the 20th time I've tried since July. Yesterday was EXACTLY eight months since I found out I was being cheated on. I'm such a proud, confident dude and never thought I'd drag things out for so long with someone who played me like that. I was really trying to make it work but she's a pathological liar and it's impossible.

Here's to never seeing or talking to her again.

March 22, 2010

80% of the time we were fighting and arguing. 20% of the time we were having amazing, passionate sex, holding each other, talking to each other, and saying how much we love each other.

Is this something you enjoy? Wow percentages like that I rather spend my time at home jamming a rust fork in head. It least I would not be lying to myself about self inflicted pain.

She's a pathological liar.

And that is ok with you?

I love her so much but I don't trust her AT ALL, still hate her for what she did, and absolutely need her out of my life so she can stop breaking my heart so often. Suggestions?

This is not love, this is drama that feels like love. Love is about respect and kindness. I suspect you confusing the her ablity to mate good with her ability to be a good mate.

Walk away from this car crash, trust you will have sex again, and it may be with someone who actually likes you.

Edited March 22, 2010 by GrayClouds

March 23, 2010

Is this something you enjoy? Wow percentages like that I rather spend my time at home jamming a rust fork in head. It least I would not be lying to myself about self inflicted pain.

And that is ok with you?

This is not love, this is drama that feels like love. Love is about respect and kindness. I suspect you confusing the her ablity to mate good with her ability to be a good mate.

Walk away from this car crash, trust you will have sex again, and it may be with someone who actually likes you.

I don't enjoy nights that are filled with more fighting than passion, but the passion is so good when it comes around that it's hard to resist.

No, her lying is not okay with me. That's why I cut ties and decided to go NC again. After all the fighting, we seriously had a really really good, loving, passionate night. From the sex to being together and getting breakfast, walking, holding hands. We left for spring break with the idea of us being in some sort of relationship again. We made it clear that the other shouldn't sleep with someone else over break. One day into it, I realized how much I don't trust her and couldn't take it anymore. She was so nice and "in love" when she was having sex with the other guy, so I'll never think she's not capable of cheating, especially in a spring break city while we're not together. The fact that she lied about something just days prior only added to it.

You know, a friend told me this once: "you don't love her, you love f#$king her." I'm not sure if that's entirely true. Certainly, for the 8 months since the break-up, we've had a very sex-based relationship, but we were very much in love at a point of time and glimpses of that shine through on occasion.

This girl does like me. She loves me. We've both done plenty of messed up things to each other, and there's an increasing lack of respect and kindness, but there's still love and infatuation. Unfortunately, there's clearly more harm being done than good. Sex isn't an issue. I've been with several women since the break-up. I'm not in love with any of them, as attracted to them, and the sex isn't as good. But I know I need to stop comparing them to her. I can have fun with women to pass the time, along with doing constructive things for myself like focusing on school, exercise, and my career. One day (hopefully soon) another girl will come along who I fall just as hard for, right? And maybe she won't f#$k me over this time!

March 23, 2010

What do I do LoveShack?! Please help me.

The answer depends on what you want and need. Stop focusing on how she makes you feel or what's the right thing to do, and start focusing on what you want and need. From there, determine whether everything -good vs bad- she provides you fits into that equation and you'll answer your own question.

March 23, 2010

Okay, so what I'm reading here are equal amounts of "She lied to me/cheated on me/told me to kill myself" and "But she REALLY REALLY loves me! Really she does!"

I'd say you need to spend some serious time contemplating that latter statement.

March 23, 2010

seems like two unhealthy people in an unhealthy relationship.

if you actually want to get better and towards the road of recovery you need to do no contact.

and sorry, but what you described is not love.

March 23, 2010

The answer depends on what you want and need. Stop focusing on how she makes you feel or what's the right thing to do, and start focusing on what you want and need. From there, determine whether everything -good vs bad- she provides you fits into that equation and you'll answer your own question.

I want her. But I don't want a liar and cheater so I guess that cancels her out.

Okay, so what I'm reading here are equal amounts of "She lied to me/cheated on me/told me to kill myself" and "But she REALLY REALLY loves me! Really she does!"

I'd say you need to spend some serious time contemplating that latter statement.

I know she loves me. The fights are always over how our relationship got so messed up. If I called her today and wanted to make her my girlfriend again, she would be all for it. She probably wouldn't cheat again either, but I can never be certain of that. Plus, she has a very, very serious problem with lying. I can never trust a word she says. She gets mad when I say that and fails to realize how she created the situation.

seems like two unhealthy people in an unhealthy relationship.

if you actually want to get better and towards the road of recovery you need to do no contact.

and sorry, but what you described is not love.

Agreed on the "unhealthy" statement. I think you and everyone else saying it isn't love need to realize that our relationship wasn't always like this. There was a time when 100% of our time together was happy. Things change and obviously our relationship is screwed up now, but the love and feelings we had still linger. But yeah, NC is certainly the way to go.

I made a "Day 1 NC" post in here yesterday. I'm about to make another and just make this thread my NC diary for at least 21 days. I heard that's how long it takes to break a habit.

March 23, 2010

Takes a hell of a lot longer than that.

March 23, 2010

No Contact: Day 2

It feels like it's been FOREVER since I talked to her, but it's only been 48 hours. This is good because I'm growing increasingly comfortable with the idea and reality of not having her in my life. This is bad because it's only been 2 days and that's not much progress or time apart when it comes down to it. I hope it lasts.

Yesterday was a good start. I see why people stress exercise as an essential activity. I ran a few miles and it felt great. Not only is my mind completely clear, but it helps to know I'm doing something positive for myself. I plan on heading out for another run shortly.

I also had sex with another girl last night. One of my problems when I'm hooking up with someone who isn't her is imagining how she did these things with someone who isn't me. Like, I can be laying there getting a blowjob, and of course I enjoy it, but part of my mind can't believe that my (ex) girlfriend did things like that to another guy behind my back. F#$k her!

Anyway, the new female attention feels a little hollow, but it helps. It lets me know that there are other women out there, that I'm a desirable, attractive guy, and it's just something to pass the time. I'm sure she's out there slutting it up, so whatever. I really did my best yesterday to stop comparing this girl to my ex and just appreciate her for who she is and our relationship at that moment in time, no matter how temporary it is.

I just really want another girl who I'm crazy about to come along soon. My ex is gorgeous and she'll have no problem getting into another relationship. Guys will always flock towards her and she's an attention-seeking slut who pretends like this isn't true, but I know she craves it. I'd be lying if I said I'm not hoping for a call or text from her to pop up on my phone. I'd ignore it too, but it's nice to know they're thinking about you. I know she's wishing for the same from me, and wonders what I'm doing on my break. I know that this is a problem and that's what NC is for. I can't wait for the day that that bitch doesn't even cross my mind.

I should add that there's a level of relief that comes with not having to talk to her. Not driving myself crazy because I constantly second guess what she tells me. I'm grateful to have that stress removed from my life.

Day 2. Here goes nothing.

Edited March 23, 2010 by Bleed Internal

March 23, 2010

I just really want another girl who I'm crazy about to come along soon.

You have to let go of your ex before that can happen. As long as you are in contact with her and still emotionally attached to her, you will be blinded to anyone else's awesomeness.

Give it time. Lots of it. The longer you go with absolutely no contact the easier it will get for you. It won't be easy at first though. Just stick it out.

March 24, 2010

No Contact: Day 3

She texted me last night. The message read: "I miss you." I knew it.

I don't plan on responding, but this makes me feel so much better. Regardless of what she's doing on break, whether she's hooking up with someone else or not, I still have a grasp on her heart and mind the way she does with me.

I miss her too, but NC is making me feel better by the day and I'm not about to screw that up. I know how this back-and-forth goes all too well. We've been doing it for 8 months and it never ends well. In almost every circumstance, I've gone running back to her even after finding out about another lie, but those days are over. We probably could have worked through our problems at one point, but her compulsive lying has become the biggest turn-off in the world for me. I wish she would change and own up to all the bull she's been feeding me for so long, but I'm not holding my breath.

Yesterday was fine. My run was awesome as usual. It's become something to look forward to everyday and I'm already losing weight. Otherwise, I kept myself busy around the house. Doing things for my family and getting a head start on school work. I went to sleep really early because after 4 years of college, I don't have too many friends in my hometown anymore, and I still hadn't heard from her, so I was pretty down.

I woke up in the middle of the night and saw her text, and now I'm heading into Day 3 with a much better attitude. I have a nice playlist of songs that keep me positive about everything too. Today will probably be more of the same. I love her but it's not going to work. I hope nothing dramatic happens as a result of me ignoring her. Here we go.

Edited March 24, 2010 by Bleed Internal

March 24, 2010

Wait a minute...you decided to go NC, you love this girl, but you lasted two whole days before hooking up with someone else? Anybody else see a train wreck coming?

Slow down dude. You're mad that she was apparently with another guy, but you basically used this girl to make yourself feel better, and no doubt if she hooked up with you that quit that either says something about her, or the fact that you two have had something brewing for a while.

Yes, girls will almost always move on easier (sorry girls), because it's guys who will approach them, whereas after getting rejected, men have to get their self esteem back before they make themeselves vulnerable to another girl.

Take a break from the females and focus on yourself and how you contributed to the downfall of your last relationship, otherwise the same stuff you brought into that one will show up in new ones.

March 24, 2010

Wait a minute...you decided to go NC, you love this girl, but you lasted two whole days before hooking up with someone else? Anybody else see a train wreck coming?
Slow down dude. You're mad that she was apparently with another guy, but you basically used this girl to make yourself feel better, and no doubt if she hooked up with you that quit that either says something about her, or the fact that you two have had something brewing for a while.
Yes, girls will almost always move on easier (sorry girls), because it's guys who will approach them, whereas after getting rejected, men have to get their self esteem back before they make themeselves vulnerable to another girl.
Take a break from the females and focus on yourself and how you contributed to the downfall of your last relationship, otherwise the same stuff you brought into that one will show up in new ones.

no, dude. we've been broken up for 8 months because i found out she was cheating. we've been back and forth since then. there's been lots of sex and fun but A LOT more drama and pain. i've been through all the post-breakup ups and downs. now it's about moving on and seriously trying to forget about her forever.

Sign In

Is it worth it to try tying up all the loose ends? (In serious need here)

Recommended Posts

Bleed Internal

seibert253

sean1970

GrayClouds

Bleed Internal

Rearden Metal

thepulse27

Bleed Internal

Bleed Internal

GrayClouds

Bleed Internal

eric82

sedgwick

lsb

Bleed Internal

Rearden Metal

Bleed Internal

LucreziaBorgia

Bleed Internal

mikeymad

Bleed Internal

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...