Drain of energy by people

[Tres]

Most people, who I have been communicating with during all my life, drained my energy. There were a few people who did not drain it, but it was just for a short time. People who have drained my energy were my relatives, friends, co-workers, husbands and lovers. I am an introvert by my personality but anyway I do not think that it is right to be so drained.

 

It feels like I am here for the people and I give them what they want, but at the same time, I do not get anything for myself on emotional or physical level. As result of that, I feel fatigued, depressed, dissatisfied and empty. It feels like nothing is going on for my success and happiness but everything is going on for the success and happiness those people around me. I have emotional, physical and intellectual needs, but they have not met.

 

Why can not I get respect for my needs?

Why can not I get some positive energy from people?

What shall I do to protect myself from people who drain my energy?

Why every person, who is close to me, becomes a vampire?

Edited March 18, 2010 by Tres

[quankanne]

that's what I was going to suggest, that these folks tend to be emotional vampires who prey upon people psychologically.

 

the best way to protect yourself is to avoid them as much as possible; if you've GOT to deal with them, keep it short and sweet, and don't be afraid to walk away if their drama or needs put you outside your comfort zone.

 

also, if you can stomach it, start surrounding yourself with positive attitudes, with people who *do* look out for the welfare of others. Sometimes they can be annoying (and I'm guilty of it at times, too) of being TOO chipper or Pollyannaish, but when it comes down to it, these are the folks you want to be around, because their positive energy recharges you, not sucks you dry.

[Tres]

that's what I was going to suggest, that these folks tend to be emotional vampires who prey upon people psychologically.

 

the best way to protect yourself is to avoid them as much as possible; if you've GOT to deal with them, keep it short and sweet, and don't be afraid to walk away if their drama or needs put you outside your comfort zone.

 

also, if you can stomach it, start surrounding yourself with positive attitudes, with people who *do* look out for the welfare of others. Sometimes they can be annoying (and I'm guilty of it at times, too) of being TOO chipper or Pollyannaish, but when it comes down to it, these are the folks you want to be around, because their positive energy recharges you, not sucks you dry.

 

Thank you for your advice.

But where to find the perfect people?

Also, it feels like it is not about them but it is about me. Because everyone around me becomes a vampire.

[Weird]

I think it comes down to the fact that by and large, most humans are simply incredibly selfish and don't give a crap about others/things unless it has an effect on their life.

 

There really is no way to protect yourself from this other than to simply "play their game" and try and not give a crap and be distant. Of course this is pretty hard to do because if you by nature care and want others to be better off then it isn't like flipping a switch to turn it off.

[torranceshipman]

I can give you a good response to this question. I grew up in a family where everyone was a huge emotional drain on me, and then I ended up with a boyfriend who was just the same...a few friends were like this too on and off. And I realized pretty quick that it was MY RESPONSIBILITY who I decided to hang out with, and if they were an emotional drain I ended the friendship fast. For a long time I limited contact with my family for exactly the same reason. I didn't date people who were a drain on me, and if a friend started acting in this way (i.e. so not a great friend), I ended the friendship.

 

You may think some of that is extreme, but it isn't - I am happier and more content than anyone I know, and I credit that hugely to my policy of only having positive and supportive people in my life. At the moment you are not doing this - you are not managing your relationships well, you are being a martyr, and not making good decisions in your friendships, etc. Sit back, make a list, work out who is good for you and who isn't, leave or limit contact with the negative ones, no matter who they are, and seek out as many positive relationships, environments, pastimes and situations as you can.

[taurusincus]

I can give you a good response to this question. I grew up in a family where everyone was a huge emotional drain on me, and then I ended up with a boyfriend who was just the same...a few friends were like this too on and off. And I realized pretty quick that it was MY RESPONSIBILITY who I decided to hang out with, and if they were an emotional drain I ended the friendship fast. For a long time I limited contact with my family for exactly the same reason. I didn't date people who were a drain on me, and if a friend started acting in this way (i.e. so not a great friend), I ended the friendship.

 

You may think some of that is extreme, but it isn't - I am happier and more content than anyone I know, and I credit that hugely to my policy of only having positive and supportive people in my life. At the moment you are not doing this - you are not managing your relationships well, you are being a martyr, and not making good decisions in your friendships, etc. Sit back, make a list, work out who is good for you and who isn't, leave or limit contact with the negative ones, no matter who they are, and seek out as many positive relationships, environments, pastimes and situations as you can.

I think this is the best advise for your problem.Indeed you need to be proactive to get those people out of your system.

This thread should also give us all a little food for thought. are we also in a way emotionally draining some body we know?if answer is yes then lets review our behavior and make necessary corrections.

[ADF]

I cannot imagine how you are defining "energy" here. Is this some kind of New Age thing?

[TaraMaiden]

Tres, something in your demeanour, character, temperament and attitude is signalling to these people that you make a perfect whipping post and endless source of energy, because that's what you're showing them.

 

Please understand I am neither blaming you, nor criticising you, but the main problem you have is that you can't change other people, and you can't keep running, because unless you make fundamental changes to what you present to people, or how you present yourself to them, you're always going to find people like these, and people like these, will find you.

 

It's a cliché, I know it is, but "You teach people how to treat you".

 

Instead of be-moaning the fact that everyone around you is a vampire, (which I'm not denying) change yourself into a vampire-killer....

I am never, but never surrounded or put upon by vampires.

Known several - but not for long!

[Fouts]

I think it comes down to the fact that by and large, most humans are simply incredibly selfish and don't give a crap about others/things unless it has an effect on their life.

 

QFT.

 

OP, genuine and sincere people are a bit more rare than you might think. Be a little more selective on those that you get to know and have an understanding that most people want and need, they don't truly care.

[Tres]

I cannot imagine how you are defining "energy" here. Is this some kind of New Age thing?

 

It is when after communication with a person for several hrs, I feel fatigued and listless. I can only stay in bed and I have no energy to do anything else.

[amaysngrace]

Tres I am similar in nature to you and I don't change for anyone because I don't want to become bitter. So what I do is just limit my time around these people. I don't go to everything every time they have something going on which is a lot...my family especially.

 

Yeah sure sometimes I catch crap for blowing things off but if I don't have it in me to go then going out of some sense of obligation will surely set me off in the wrong way so I just say no.

 

And I don't even feel like I missed much.

 

The bottom line is you have to take care of yourself first. Everyone else does and you should too. There's no shame in that so don't feel guilty about saying you can't make it or whatever.

 

Maybe for them they get a charge by going to all those get-togethers but for us it is occasionally draining so just learn to say no. It gets easier the more you do it. And when you do say yes to things you will have a positive experience.

[Pedigree]

Being an introvert myself, I don't find people in general tiring, I find people who are abusive to me tiring. This is quickly followed by the realization that I have been too nice and that I need to stand up for myself. My advice to you is to be more assertive.

[Tres]

Being an introvert myself, I don't find people in general tiring, I find people who are abusive to me tiring. This is quickly followed by the realization that I have been too nice and that I need to stand up for myself. My advice to you is to be more assertive.

 

If I explain the people that I am not available, they get offended and can not understand me. I feel guilty and insensitive because of that.

I guess that most people are extroverts and they can not even understand that some people need personal time.

[threebyfate]

If I explain the people that I am not available, they get offended and can not understand me. I feel guilty and insensitive because of that.

I guess that most people are extroverts and they can not even understand that some people need personal time.

There's no need to explain that you're unavailable. Just take the time with a casual comment to people living with you, that you're out-of-bounds. There's no need for guilt.

 

Think of it this way:

• You find people draining since there appears to be no boundaries within yourself for self-preservation.
  
• People gravitate towards you, since you give and give and give.
  
• Now you're being sucked dry, since you don't have those boundaries.
  
• When you decide to tentatively assert yourself, people are surprised you have nothing left to give.
  
• You feel guilty and insensitive when you try to tentatively assert yourself, so you explain. In explaining, you probably show an apologetic side and this serves to spur their indignity on.
  
• There's a part of you that's afraid to lose people, so in order to keep them near you, you make yourself indisposable aka needed.
  

Does any of this resonate with you?

[Tres]

Does any of this resonate with you?

 

Thank you, it does.

For some reason, I have the unconscious core belief that other people's needs are important but my own needs are not important and selfish.

It is like other people are more important than I am.

[Pedigree]

You've got it spot on there, Tres.

 

I think also that when you tell your friends that you got your own things to do is an exercise that will distinguish friends from leeches. The friends will accept it, the leeches won't.

[carvidep]

Hey Tres, growing up I used to have the vampire problem with the friends I chose. Back then I was very shy, and the friends I hung out with were always pouring their problems on me. I listened and tried to give words of encouragement, but these friendships became more of a burden on me than anything else. I finally got my space when these "best friends" moved away to different cities or states.

 

I learned after high school that it is very important to treat yourself well, and put yourself first. there is nothing selfish about it. if you are not comfortable in your own skin, you won't be able to serve as the close friend and confidant that you want to be for your loved ones.

 

Part of taking care of yourself, as stated previously by other posters, is learning to say "no," and not being afraid to distance yourself from those people who drain you the most.

 

After doing these things, I found myself a much happier and even extroverted person. When ever I encounter these people now, I keep our conversations at a very basic level, and short and sweet.

 

Then I still have the energy to hang out with my 'giving' friends with whom I feel very comfortable and free, never drained.

 

Learning to say no and beginning to distance yourself is not easy, but it really does get easier, and there is absolutely no shame in doing it.

 

Hope this helps!

[threebyfate]

Thank you, it does.

For some reason, I have the unconscious core belief that other people's needs are important but my own needs are not important and selfish.

It is like other people are more important than I am.

Tres, this is something to work on since everyone has reasonable needs that should be met. Relationships are never one-way, except for motherhood. Even then, there's expectation of mutual love and respect, when age appropriate.

 

Take time for yourself. If someone throws a hissy-fit, that's their problem. Assert your boundaries.

 

If you need a different perception, what good are you to someone else if you're all tapped out?