Els Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 I know they all happen, especially in very long term relationships. How do you recover and learn from it? I find that for me, even though my SO and I have worked through it and are both evidently trying to make things better, I still go through them in my head sometimes. And then I start getting unhappy and depressed when I recall those memories - all the while completely forgetting all the things he is doing NOW to show me that he still wants to try and make us work, and that he loves me. Please share your experiences, and how you dealt with them, especially if hurtful things were said or both of you actually considered breaking things off for a time. This is, of course, assuming that no abuse, name-calling, etc had occured. And if you have NEVER argued in your relationship or think that arguments should never happen in healthy relationships - well, please start your own thread. I'm strongly of the opinion that anyone who claims that they have never argued in their relationship, has either been with the person for a year or less, or never went through bad circumstances or hardship together, or is living in a fantasy world.
Crazy Magnet Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 I most certainly think every couple is going to have a few arguments. If they aren't happening, something is very off (as in people are sweeping all issues under the rug.) Saying hurtful things during a heated argument though is never a good thing. It's very easy to fall into that trap and just want to hurt the other person as much as we have been hurt. Once we have said something, or they have said something to us, we can never take that back. Sometimes it just sucks to hear the truth about what our SO thinks of us. In the past, if I've had an argument like that, where we both said hurtful things and I can't stop thinking about it, I will bring it up to whomever I am dating and apologize for saying whatever it was that I said. Usually they follow suit and apologize for the ridiculous and hurtful things they said as well. If not, I say "Hey, you said such and such during the fight and I was very hurt by that." it sounds like for you, the aftermath of the discussion hasn't been resolved and you don't have closure. I'm not sure I would bring it up if the relationship is already on shaky ground. I'd try to get closure for myself through journaling, talking to a friend, giving myself a speech in the mirror! lol
deux ex machina Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 I know they all happen, especially in very long term relationships. How do you recover and learn from it? I find that for me, even though my SO and I have worked through it and are both evidently trying to make things better, I still go through them in my head sometimes. And then I start getting unhappy and depressed when I recall those memories - all the while completely forgetting all the things he is doing NOW to show me that he still wants to try and make us work, and that he loves me. Please share your experiences, and how you dealt with them, especially if hurtful things were said or both of you actually considered breaking things off for a time. This is, of course, assuming that no abuse, name-calling, etc had occured... The best relationship I have is a friendship, actually. He's a terribly stubborn man - he will not let anything go until it is all hashed out, completely - and he is very perceptive. He knows when something bothers me, and it's as if he reads my mind. No one else has ever been this way with me in quite the same way. A big part of this is that I know with a certainty he is on my side. He has my loyalty in return - which no small thing. If you have my loyalty I'll walk across broken glass for you. The theme of it all is nothing gets let go until there are no question marks, and I feel accepted, safe. We admire each other for who we are.
threebyfate Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Resolution, forgiveness and the ability to let things go, in that order, are key. Don't ever just sweep issues under the rug. The more you sweep, the more the pile grows, until ultimately, you're going to keep tripping on the pile and sooner or later, you're going to have a serious fall, from the accumulated pile of dirt under the rug.
Author Els Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 The problem is that there had been closure - a lot of closure. Everything that needed to be said was said after the argument. It would seem we are back to normal, with the improved addition of working on those issues. But for some reason thinking back on it still hurts. Is that normal?
threebyfate Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 The problem is that there had been closure - a lot of closure. Everything that needed to be said was said after the argument. It would seem we are back to normal, with the improved addition of working on those issues. But for some reason thinking back on it still hurts. Is that normal?If the two of you are capable of putting those words to action, the hurt will go away, as long as you try not to dwell on them, hence blowing them out of proportion. Give it a chance by letting go of that hurt.
bayouboi Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 All the relationship books I've read basically say that men & women are wired differently when it comes to conflict. Women hold onto things indefinitely, while men are able to forgive and forget.
Author Els Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 I would! If only I knew how to not dwell on them. It's not like I'm not busy - but there are always moments, before I sleep, in the bath, etc, when things like that sometimes creep up. Any suggestions?
threebyfate Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 When negative thoughts creep in about your SO, replace them with positive moments from your relationship or find a thought that brings serenity, like a special place or feeling.
Star Gazer Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 I still go through them in my head sometimes. And then I start getting unhappy and depressed when I recall those memories - all the while completely forgetting all the things he is doing NOW to show me that he still wants to try and make us work, and that he loves me. I think your chosen words are key here. He's doing things to show you that he wants to TRY. Like Yoda, there is no try. There is only do, and do not. Is he actually making it work? Making amends for whatever needs amending? BF and I have had two real arguments, where I was very upset. Not to the point of almost breaking up, or saying hurtful things, or even raising our voices, but they were heated, and I knew that the resolution of those arguments would be very telling in the strength of our relationship. Anyway, one was based on a misunderstanding, and resolved once the air was cleared. A sort of "Oooohhhhhh, okay. I see what you were saying/meant. I get it now." And from there we just made a point to be more clear when we communicated. But the other was about a certain behavior he kept exhibiting. To me, if it continued, it was going to be a big problem. Big. I was very clear with how I felt about it, and he knew it was something that he needed to improve - for any relationship, not just this one. Rather than just showing me that he wanted to try to fix the problem, he just fixed it. Periodically he makes a point of actually pointing out that he fixed it, but the fact of the matter is, he fixed it. That's how we get through it. If after an argument about something, he didn't actually fix things that needed fixing (and if I too didn't fix things I needed fixing!), our relationship wouldn't survive. I don't think any relationship really would. This is similar to my experiences in other relationships... if it was truly fixed, it was no longer and issue. If it wasn't, I had those same negative feelings you're having now - the nagging feelings, as though in my gut I knew there was still a problem there. So, in other words, perhaps you still have a problem that needs fixing...?
annxxdisaster Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 (edited) Women hold onto things indefinitely, while men are able to forgive and forget. That's a very blanket statement. I can hold on to things, I always forgive and allow for redemption. I can also forget if I manage to muster up the courage to bring up whatever was bothering me. I have no trouble with forgetting and wanting to move past something though. I have come across many men who do not forgive and forget either. My last ex, had fallen asleep on a couch over at my friend's small gathering (when he could have said he didn't want to go and we could have both fallen asleep in his bed). I had been drinking a fight some how happened and I texted to my best friend that he was lame. Later I found out he "accidentally" read it, he brought up how it bugged him and I thought we hashed it out and everything was good. Nope. Months later when we split he mentioned how he was lame, and I didn't even know what he was saying at that point so I asked him what he meant, "you and (bff's name here) said I was." Forgiven? Not sure. Forgotten? No way. In a class I'm taking (Psychology of Emotions) studies have shown that women will hold on to negative feelings longer than men will, but I still personally don't believe that one can say ALL women hold on to grudges and ALL men forgive and forget. There are soo many bitter men out there that I can't believe that. Edited March 19, 2010 by annxxdisaster
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