When is enough enough?

[silverfish]

On the way home last night from work I brought up the subject of MC again. I asked him if he would go if I made the appt. He just said "I suppose". It was more the way he said it than anything.

 

I had an hour ride to a show I was doing that night. About half way up there I realized that I wasn't even paying attention to driving. My mind was on our situation the whole time. I finally came to the realization that maybe I don't want to go to marriage counseling. I feel like I'm done fighting for this marriage with someone who doesn't even show me the respect I deserve. I feel like MC would be more of a burden, me having to drag him there, him getting mad, us arguing afterwards about everything. I think I'm done. I just want to be by myself. Now I just have to tell him.

 

That 'I suppose' says a lot about him and his attitude to relationships doesn't it? If he goes now, you'll start off wrong, and you're right, you'll be fighting against his apathy the whole way.

 

MC takes a lot of work, and it's not possible to do that if your H isn't interested. If you do get him there, it's likely you will have a lot of **** thrown at you...try and read those books and see what they say about going to MC with an abusive person.

 

I read a great one called 'Stalking the Soul' which I got from Amazon. From what I recall, it recommends strongly not going to MC as it may be used against you and it's extremely difficult to get the issue of that specific behaviour addressed throuh MC, which comes from the standpoint that both partners are equally to blame for the issues in the R. In an abusive relationship this is most certainly not the case.

 

I'm not saying that it's completely black and white, but it's a specific issue (like alcoholism) that needs to be dealt with seperately by the individual

[Lindsey]

That 'I suppose' says a lot about him and his attitude to relationships doesn't it? If he goes now, you'll start off wrong, and you're right, you'll be fighting against his apathy the whole way.

 

MC takes a lot of work, and it's not possible to do that if your H isn't interested. If you do get him there, it's likely you will have a lot of **** thrown at you...try and read those books and see what they say about going to MC with an abusive person.

 

I read a great one called 'Stalking the Soul' which I got from Amazon. From what I recall, it recommends strongly not going to MC as it may be used against you and it's extremely difficult to get the issue of that specific behaviour addressed throuh MC, which comes from the standpoint that both partners are equally to blame for the issues in the R. In an abusive relationship this is most certainly not the case.

 

I'm not saying that it's completely black and white, but it's a specific issue (like alcoholism) that needs to be dealt with seperately by the individual

That's exactly how I see it. I'm basically forcing him to go and he doesn't want to. Which is only going to make it worse.

 

Last night on the way home he told me he liked the way I was wearing my hair. Then in the same breath said "see, I can complement you. Say thank you!" Um, WTF!!!! I had actually said thank you right before he responded.

 

I was talking with my sister last night and she was telling me my niece was saying how she wished I lived in their town. She then corrected herself and said she wished I lived next door. She 4 and such a doll! She's my sister's youngest of 5. And that just tears at my heart. I swore up and down I would never move back home when I was younger but right now that's right where I want to be. I've asked H when we were looking at houses online last year about living in my hometown and he shot that down because it would be too close to my family. He's afraid they would be over all the time, etc. If I left him I would stay with my sister for a while, she has plenty of room (well not plenty but enough). The funny part is my step mom also said I could move back home if I needed to (a block down from my sister). I would rather live with my sister and her 5 kids than with my step mom!

[Lindsey]

Ha, I had typed more but my fingers automatically hit a short cut key that works at home on my Mac but deleted part of my post on my PC here at work! We had talked about the event I'm going to tomorrow. He had made a little bit of a snippy remark about how the dress I picked out was too fancy, blah, blah, blah. He also asked what time I was going to be home on Saturday. Yah, I told him that I wasn't coming home since it wasn't getting out until midnight. He's always had it in my mind that when ever I go up to my sister's all we do is party and get drunk. Um, my sister and I have never even been drunk together and that's not my thing, he knows that. So I don't think he was happy to hear that I was not coming home tomorrow.

[Lindsey]

I was looking online at some of the books that were suggested. The description for one even included a list of things to watch out for. Wow, talk about hitting the head on the nail:

DOES YOUR PARTNER . . .

* have sudden outbursts of anger or rage? YES

* become jealous without reason? YES

* prevent you from seeing friends and family? YES

* deny you access to family assets such as bank accounts, credit cards, or the car? Not really but since we only have one working car he complains that I use it all the time. He's even tried to tell me he wants it some nights, I only feel like he's trying to keep me home cause I know he won't go any where!

* control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? Luckily no, I have my own accounts!

* insult you or call you derogatory names? YES

* humiliate you in front of your children? Well we don't have kids but he's done this in front of family and coworkers

* turn minor incidents into major arguments? HELL YES!!

 

This was from a book call No Visible Scars (I think). I am going to go to the book store tonight to get some of the books recommended. I know I'll probably spend more than if I bought them on Amazon but I don't have any where to ship them to without him knowing.

[silverfish]

Give yourself a bit of time when you read them alone as well, as you may become emotional...

 

It's depressingly commonplace behaviour -- nothing special about your H or my ex H or Mrs A's husband. Its such a shame.

 

The main thing that I got out of the book by Lundy Bancroft (he's worked a lot with abusive men) was the reason behind the behaviour....because he likes it. It suits him to be in control, to keep you in that place, and have power over you. He has no motivation to behave any differently and it suits him to continue to behave like that. He also says there's not a lot you can do as a partner about that either

 

Once you (or should I say 'one' in a very British way?!)...once ONE realises this, it's incredibly sad, and also empowering....but you know your relationship is then doomed. I lost it a bit when I realised that.

 

I saw my ex MIL go through the same thing with my ex's Dad, and she died last year. I swore I would not repeat her mistakes out of respect for her and all she went through. I came pretty close to falling for it again recently with my ex but I'm back on track now.

[Lindsey]

Well he struck again at lunch (no not literally!). Since we work together we do take our breaks together. Most of the time it consists of eating, him chitchatting with me or the others around while I'm half listening to my ipod and reading. Well today we ran across the street to the store to grab something to eat. He was complaining about working tomorrow. I mentioned to him that a coworked agreed to do my hair for tomorrow and then agreed to also highlight it for cheap since it's so bad. He took this as me getting all dolled up to go to this event (well I am wearing a formal dress, should I just wear a pony tail?) and then started questioning what I was up to. He accused me of running around half naked in the dress I choose (it's floor length with straps, it has a low back but there are strappies across it so my back isn't completely bare and it's not cleavage bearing at all!), what boyfriend am I meeting up with, etc. I tried to tell him again what the event was about, that I was more shocked that the friend offered to do my hair for so cheap that I cannot wait to get it done again (seriously it's been since later summer since I had highlights put in, it looks stupid!). We go to the store and come back and I can tell he's fuming. We are in the break room by ourself (which is not a private room) and he starts going into how I'm leaving for the night and that I've threatened to leave before and what would I think if he just told me to not come home (seriously if we weren't at work, my respond would have been FINE!), how I'm taking the car all night and what if he needs it (we only have one working car) but what if he just doesn't come home from work tomorrow, on and on and on. I'm just sitting there cause I'm not going to get into this at work. Finally others come into the breakroom and he sits down and eats his lunch. I'm reading my book when it's close to being done and he taps on the table to get my attention and points to the clock and points upstairs to where my office is. I'm thinking it's his NICE way to remind me I have to go back to work. But he instead follows me up to my office. I'm thinking either he's going to apologize like he usually does after sitting there thinking for a while or he's going to continue... yah it continues. He's still going on about how I'm not telling him what I'm up to (I've never been to an event like this before, I really don't know what I'm going to be doing), how I freaked out on him when all he was doing was trying to figure out what I was up to. I really didn't say much, just let him talk and then he left. I immediatly got on the phone with my sister and told her all that happened. She's glad I'm coming up there tomorrow! I told her I was done! I've never done anything to make him not trust me but I'm always up to no good. I don't go out late, I don't have random people calling me (besides for my business), I'm not sneaking around on him! I'm so sick of this! I don't even want to go home with him tonight. He even had the nerve to ask in the middle of lunch "well I suppose you don't want to go see that movie tonight?". WFT, that's the way you ask me? I don't even want to see this movie let alone go any where with him tonight!

[AmeliaApple]

Lindsey...we should talk...reading your post was like reading my own story. The only difference is that my husband is reluctantly going to counseling. He says the same thing about other couples, "I don't know of any couple who can deal with a conflict perfectly." I do all the cleaning/laundry/making the money/etc...and all I get is, "you don't do anything around the house". I'm about fed up. It's difficult because I do love him very much and wish I could be there for him, but I'm starting to feel that I don't have the ability to continue to do it any more.

[Lindsey]

Lindsey...we should talk...reading your post was like reading my own story. The only difference is that my husband is reluctantly going to counseling. He says the same thing about other couples, "I don't know of any couple who can deal with a conflict perfectly." I do all the cleaning/laundry/making the money/etc...and all I get is, "you don't do anything around the house". I'm about fed up. It's difficult because I do love him very much and wish I could be there for him, but I'm starting to feel that I don't have the ability to continue to do it any more.

 

H says that he will but I know that he won't. I'm sick of pushing the subject. He took me out to a movie last night but then had to comment about how he was doing something nice and how much money he was spending. Pure BS in my book.

 

I had a great time at the event I went to with my sister tonight! I'm sitting here on her couch (she's in the bathroom praying to the procelene gods!) wishing that I didn't have to go home tomorrow! I truly think I'm done just need to figure out how to tell H. I'm sick of everything and just want to move on with my life!

[Lindsey]

So I'm back at work on Monday. I woke up early at my sister's yesterday only thinking that I didn't want to go home. I could have just stayed there. H was acting a little weirder than normal, called me 8 times within 2 hours Sunday morning trying to figure out when I was coming home. He usually doesn't call that much. My sister and her family left for church and I was waiting until they got back at least before I left. He was all snuggly yesterday telling me he missed me, blah, blah, blah.

 

Then this morning as we were getting ready for work he says "So did you act like a single woman or a married woman when you went out on Saturday?" WTF! I have never done anything to make him think otherwise. I hung out with my sister and her friend all night. I didn't even talk to anyone else for more than a couple seconds! I'm so irritated now because of that. Then he came up to my desk a couple minutes after we got to work and said "I didn't get my hug today!". Like it mattered any other day. If he's trying now, I think it's too little too late. I've already checked out of this marriage and just need to figure a way out.

[Gunny376]

The difference between "ignorance" and "stupidity" is that when it comes to ignorance? One just doesn't know any better? Stupidity? One knows better ~ but does or doesn't do or does something they know is stupid!

 

Stupid is as stupid does? The DH is "relationship" ignorant! Almost inept? He's socially and culturally brainwashed as to how to be married, what it means to be a man, what it means to be a husband.

 

Men are like the Pillsbury dough boy? First you've got to get rid of all the crap their mother, society and culture taught them! You've got to break their hearts and bring them to their knees. You've got to break them down to their basic humanity and then build them back up. Then you have to kneed them, and fold them into being the person that you need them to be for you.

 

And that's not a bunch of femin-nazi BS? That's a about getting through the non-communication, stubbornness, self-pride.

 

In short? That about communicating to him what you need as a person, as an individual, as a woman about having your emotional, physical, and intimate needs meet.

 

That's about teaching someone ~ another how to love you! And to be in love with you.

 

Back in tha' day? I was pretty much freaking clueless? Being married to a Marine Drill Instructor day in and day out isn't any fun!

 

I'm not saying stay nor go! I'm saying the DH has some serious lessons to learn about what it means being married.

 

Me? I'm just some guy that got his @zz handed to him as she walked out the door?

[Lindsey]

The difference between "ignorance" and "stupidity" is that when it comes to ignorance? One just doesn't know any better? Stupidity? One knows better ~ but does or doesn't do or does something they know is stupid!

 

Stupid is as stupid does? The DH is "relationship" ignorant! Almost inept? He's socially and culturally brainwashed as to how to be married, what it means to be a man, what it means to be a husband.

 

Men are like the Pillsbury dough boy? First you've got to get rid of all the crap their mother, society and culture taught them! You've got to break their hearts and bring them to their knees. You've got to break them down to their basic humanity and then build them back up. Then you have to kneed them, and fold them into being the person that you need them to be for you.

 

And that's not a bunch of femin-nazi BS? That's a about getting through the non-communication, stubbornness, self-pride.

 

In short? That about communicating to him what you need as a person, as an individual, as a woman about having your emotional, physical, and intimate needs meet.

 

That's about teaching someone ~ another how to love you! And to be in love with you.

 

Back in tha' day? I was pretty much freaking clueless? Being married to a Marine Drill Instructor day in and day out isn't any fun!

 

I'm not saying stay nor go! I'm saying the DH has some serious lessons to learn about what it means being married.

 

Me? I'm just some guy that got his @zz handed to him as she walked out the door?

You know the saying "You can't teach old dogs new tricks."? Well my H would be that old dog! I don't even know if it's worth my time to try to retrain him. Plus I don't want to risk my sanity any more.

 

I am meeting up with my sister-in-law on Wednesday. It's his brother's wife. She pretty much knows everything that is going on and I know I can talk to her about things. That's one thing that I hate, I love his family so much! They truly are great people! His parents have done so much for us! But his family knows how he is and for the most part I know that they are on my side but yet they have to stick up for their son too. I don't blame them but I know SIL pretty much hates H with a passion and has already told me to move onto something better!

[Lindsey]

So I've started to get the ball rolling. I've talked to friends and family about what's going on - even clued some of them into how bad my marriage really is. My sister says I can come live with them at any time. I've started to push my business up so that I can live off that income at least for a little while if not completely.

 

Last night H was full of accusations again. Telling me I've been acting differently. He asked what I was typing on my computer at one point. I was just replying back to a FB message from a friend. He went on to say that it probably wasn't who I said it was. Then he came over and sat beside me and wanted to see what I was looking at. I scrolled through the FB status updates that I was looking at showing him what I was doing. Then he saw a male name and said it out loud. I looked at him and said "MY COUSIN". That pissed him off and he started accusing me of not letting him see what I was up to (um, what do you think I was just doing). Accusing me of being up to no good, that I probably have some boyfriend on FB, etc. Telling me that I didn't want to watch a show with him (unlike his pothead self, I can do more than one task at a time - yah I've never mentioned that on here before) which instead of being in my office working like I should have been I was out in the living WATCHING THE SHOW WITH HIM!! I'm just so sick of all of the stupid things he says. Then 30 minutes later he was trying to snuggle up to me talking about going into the bedroom. At this point, I'm repulsed by him and cannot even think of doing anything with him.

 

I started looking at apartment and looking for other jobs yesterday. I know I'll live with my sister for a little while but I wanted to see what prices were in the area I was looking for. I found a couple for a pretty good price that I can have my cat at (oh yah, I'm taking him with me!). One is in town with my sister which would be great. The other is in a town 10 minutes away, it's a larger town so I would have more opportunities for things. Not sure where I want to live. Funny thing is I said I would never move back to my hometown and right now that's all I can think of!

[Lindsey]

So here I go again! For some reason I feel completely spineless and weak this morning but I do feel better that everything is out in the open.

 

I went to workout last night, came home, dropped of my gym bag and went out for a run. Only to come home and H admitted that he searched through my cell phone to really see what I was up to Saturday when I was out with my sister. This was the last straw for me (I told him so), so I told him everything that had been going on and that I was wanting to leave. He knew I had been growing distant lately but figured my behavior meant I was with someone else (duh, I don't want anyone else!). We had a nice 3 hour talk last night. I have him one month. He needs to prove to me that he wants to work on this marriage, he needs to call and set up a marriage counseling appointment and he needs to treat me better or I am gone. Of course he was promising me the world and I told him that and that I had heard all that before from him. He even said he would be willing to move with me back to my hometown which is something he knows I want but was always against before. I did tell him that he needed to want it himself otherwise he'll just regret it later and hold it against me. I guess we'll see what happens now, I'm not holding my breath and I'm keeping my heart at a distance!

[floridapad]

I did tell him that he needed to want it himself otherwise he'll just regret it later and hold it against me. !

 

That right there is the key and you should remind him all the time. He needs to do these things for himself. He needs to know that trying to repair the marriage is not about winning back his wife but about HIMSELF being happy in a loving respectful relationship.

 

Good luck. Please be careful about staying too closed off. If he is trying through actions then keep your mind open. If they are just words then well....you know what to do.

[Lindsey]

That right there is the key and you should remind him all the time. He needs to do these things for himself. He needs to know that trying to repair the marriage is not about winning back his wife but about HIMSELF being happy in a loving respectful relationship.

 

Good luck. Please be careful about staying too closed off. If he is trying through actions then keep your mind open. If they are just words then well....you know what to do.

 

That's the thing, he can promise me the world when I tell him I'm leaving but he has yet to follow up any time! I'm trying to remain open cause I do love him and want to work this out with him but it's all up to him right now.

 

I'm just so confused. I don't even feel like being at work right now. I just want to go crawl back into bed and sleep for a while.

 

I've mentioned our sex life before... we barely do it and not on the lack of me trying. Lately we've had more make up sex than regular sex - trust me, he's different when it comes between the two. Late night I tried to initiate some physcial contact between us and he shot me down again. I really don't know what else to do! He told me not to be mad at him, that's really not the way it is, it's just dissappointing! I know so many other men who would love to have their wife all over them all the time. For a long time I just quit asking because being shot down all the time hurt really bad. I thought that with us trying to get back in our marriage that it would be different.

 

I even tried to get him to go away this weekend. Thought that maybe some alone time would help. I even agreed to not take my laptop and leave my phone on silent. He was all for it but then said he didn't want to spend the money, didn't want to sleep in a hotel, what ever. So that thought was shattered also. I'm trying, he's not giving!

 

I'm going to talk to him tonight cause he promised he would make the MC appointment. He needs to do that TODAY!

Edited April 1, 2010 by Lindsey

[Lindsey]

I had sort of a bad weekend! We had a great day out on Saturday, doing some shopping and such. But Saturday night I went into my own pity party cause I'm just not happy! I had to make some desserts for Easter and started drinking at dinner. By the time midnight rolled around, I had drank 8 beers! I don't normally drink that much but wasn't drunk. My mind was racing with all these things, I thought it was the beer. But I woke up Sunday morning with the same thing. I had said at Christmas that I refuse to wake up to one more holiday where I feel like this! I know he's trying but I think it's too late! We went to his family's for Easter and did have a good time. But all I kept thinking was that I wanted to be with my family. So when we got home late in the afternoon I drove up to my sister's house. We had a great time, I love hanging out with her kids. I really didn't want to leave! Then H started calling trying to figure out what time I would be home. Not sure why he started doing that within the past couple months. He knows when I go to my sister's I could hang out all night. I went home pretty sad last night and woke up sad again. I hate this feeling. My sister-in-law is supposed to send me names of the marriage counselors they have been too. I just don't really know if I want to go now!

 

One thing H was supposed to do in order for me to stay was the quit smoking pot. The next day he told me he would just cut down. Well this weekend a coworker called him to buy some! I was sitting right there while he talked to him. That's not cutting down to me! I confronted him about it but all he did was go into his normal arguement about how pot is better than drinking, etc. I just left the room!

 

I'm thinking about changing all my passwords and adding one to my computer and cell phone. It still irks me that he had to snoop thought my phone! I know it will only make me look more guilty for putting passwords on them but I have done nothing to make him think I'm "running around on him". It's this thing he convinces himself of because he's afraid to lose me. Well snooping will just push me further away! What do you think?