When is enough enough?

[Lindsey]

I posted previously about issues with my H. In October I was ready to leave without telling him and finally felt guilty for planning behind his back and talked to him. He promised he would do anything to keep me. Well then in December his attitude got bad enough that I did leave him. Bad timing though it was the day before Christmas Eve and he once again convinced me to come back promising marriage counseling, etc. Well it's now almost April. Although his temper has gotten slightly better he now refuses to do marriage counseling. Compares it to the fact that I won't get a flu shot (um yah, that's the same thing!). He also compares our relationships to others and says "if they made it through that we can make it through this" but refuses to do anything about it.

 

I work full time, run a business on the side and work out every day. I do all the errands/grocery shopping for us. I pay all the bills. I do most of the cleaning and laundry around the house when I have time. He does the outside chores and vaccums. His biggest complaint is that I don't keep the house tidy enough. I'm usually busy running around taking care of everything else that when I get home the last thing I want to do is pick up after him. I try to clean up my messes as I make them. It's getting rather frustrating to come home from work, work out, run to the store and come home having to cook dinner and clean while he's been sitting watching tv and playing video games the entire time. Even when I do ask for help it's like pulling teeth. I've pointed out to him before that he could just help me rather than complain about it.

 

I would also consider H verbally abusive. He doesn't see this. He name calls to be fun, sometimes it's pet names, other times it names that I've told him to stop calling me. He sometimes belittles me in front of our coworkers (we work together but not in the same department). He gets very angry over the littlest things and yells at me saying not very nice things. The reason why I left him right before Christmas is that he was mad at me on the way home from work and decided to drive recklessly the entire way home making me fear for my life. He has never hit me but has grabbed my arm and left bruises once or twice. He has also backed me into corners before. During his worst time last fall I was very scared that it would elevate to the next level but it never did. I've tried to point this out to him before and he thinks that I'm over reacting. He has punched a hole in our hallway, slammed doors, threatened to wreck the car with himself in it, broke things, etc. While he's been okay lately he still worries me and freaks out about the littlest things. I tell him he needs counseling for his anger but once again he doesn't see that either. He also puts me down about my appearance. My hair isn't done, my clothes, my acne, my weight (before I started working out) even though I've never been "over weight" just had put on some extra weight. Alot of this should have pushed down my self esteem a long time ago but I know better than that! I know I'm a better person than that!

 

I'm just getting sick of it all! My family is very supportive and several have offered me places to live if I do leave him. But I love my husband and I don't want to hurt him. But in the same breath I would rather be single than to continue to go through this. Even one of his family members keeps telling me I should leave him! I just don't know what to do any more. I would love to make this marriage work but I'm sick of putting in all the effort while he does very little. He's a very selfish man in all aspects of his life. He mostly only thinks of himself. Our sex life is zilch to slim. I have a higher sex drive then he does but got sick of being shot down all the time so I finally quit asking now I'm almost repulsed by the thought of going to bed with him. He has a porn addiction so most times he would rather just take care of himself than to be with me.

 

I try my hardest to be a good wife but nothing ever seems good enough for him. I'm willing to give up everything: car (we only have one as his isn't working), trailer (he can keep it!), job (we work together), etc! I just want to be happy for once!

[floridapad]

This man is being emotionally abusive and he doen't see it. My suggestion is that you write a heart felt letter to him expressing your feelings and leave. In the letter you can let him know what it would take for you to come back and try to make it work. #1 would be individual counseling for his temper and #2 would be MC. You need to set boundaries while your still in the house and provide consequences. He needs a good kick in the ass and you are the only one that can give it to him. He NEEDS to have his feelings hurt in order to see that there are consequences to how he treats you. Set boundaries and don't back down from them.

[Lindsey]

I also want to add that three weeks ago my gma died. After sympathizing with me (okay there wasn't much, she wasn't that nice of a person!) his first question was "Do I have to go?". I just ignored his question and proceed to spend quality family time with people who care about me. He never wants to go any where or do anything, even a date with me. I do things with my family and with his without him. I even go to extended family get togethers of his without him. I'm to the point where I'm so sick of hearing "where's H?" that I've quit lying to them all and started telling the truth. Last month his family wanted to get together for dinner and he didn't want to go. He said to tell them he wasn't feeling good. I proceed to tell them that but his SIL looked and me and knew better so I told them the truth.

[Lindsey]

This man is being emotionally abusive and he doen't see it. My suggestion is that you write a heart felt letter to him expressing your feelings and leave. In the letter you can let him know what it would take for you to come back and try to make it work. #1 would be individual counseling for his temper and #2 would be MC. You need to set boundaries while your still in the house and provide consequences. He needs a good kick in the ass and you are the only one that can give it to him. He NEEDS to have his feelings hurt in order to see that there are consequences to how he treats you. Set boundaries and don't back down from them.

Thank you for your advice. I'm not even sure a letter would work for him. When I left right before Christmas his brother came over and they talked all night long but that didn't help either. I feel like the worst wife ever because of the stuff he says to me. I know I'm not the best but I'm surely not the worst!

 

I had a break with him a couple hours ago and after discussing some work stuff, he looks at me and tells me my hair is a mess and that I need to fix it. I work in a shop full of guys and work by myself at my desk, it really doesn't matter what my hair looks like! I just couldn't help but thinking of everything I wrote on here just shortly before that.

[floridapad]

Lindsey,

 

You are going to have to start sticking up for yourself....in the proper way. That doesn't mean telling him to shut up or cry or take a verbal shot back at him. He is quickly eroding away at your self esteem. Whenever he does that just tell him in a calm voice that you don't appreciate it and it is not helping the situation and walk away. Be calm, be strong. You've got to be strong.

 

If you do decide to leave I would still leave the letter letting him know what's in your heart and giving hm a way back and then go NC so he can miss you. That's part of the problem perhaps. He is taking you for granted.

 

Now having said all this are there things he does right? Be objective. Are there actions he takes to show you he cares about you, on occassion.

[Lindsey]

Now having said all this are there things he does right? Be objective. Are there actions he takes to show you he cares about you, on occassion.

I had to think about your question for a little while, and the answer is no or rarely. He's not a touchy feely person so he doesn't hug or kiss me unless I initiate it and even then sometimes he acts like it's a hassle to show me a little affection. He very rarely takes me out or does fun things with me. If I want to go some where I have to go by myself. I'll ask but once again, complete hassle. He gave me carnations on our anniversary, three for the three years we've been married. That was last summer.

 

Like I said before, everything is generally about him. He'll ask for his back to be scratched and whine when I tell him no until I give in. But if I ask, he won't do it for me. He won't cuddle in bed when I ask. If I have a lot of stuff going on and ask him to make dinner, once again complete hassle I might as well not even ask!

 

I think you asked one of the right questions. Everything I do is for him but he hardly reciprocates (sp?).

 

I run my own direct sales business on the side, I've been doing it for three years and am very successful. He still acts like it's just a hobby and that I don't get anything out of it and that I spend more money than I make. This business has made me a better person! Completely different than who I was three years ago. But once again he acts like anything he has to do to help me out is a complete hassle. I'm not even talking like big things, I'm talking about running out of our way on the way home to go to the bank or the PO! "I'm not on your payroll" he tells me. And yes it is my fun money, but it has helped in so many ways. I've paid off both of my credit cards while he has put over $1500 on his in the last year - mostly from internet porn, trust me I pay his bill online I see what he does with it. I've paid Christmas and bday presents in the cash for the last three years and have been able to go shopping with out putting it on my credit card. And he still sees this business as something that won't do anything for me.

[floridapad]

I can see why he doesn't want MC. He's got a good life or so he thinks and may not want to ruin a good thing. You need to make a choice or you will eventually snap. Do you have children together? First marriage?

 

You may want to consider taking some time at a family members. Most of all you need to let him know with your ACTIONS that you are serious. If you use words and you are still there doing all those things then you will have lost credibility. Above all though, you must keep your cool in all this. He will do things to get your blood boiling and your going to have to learn how to set boundaries and calmly enforce them with consequences.

 

BTW - That is great your direct mail business is going well. You should most definately be proud of yourself.

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

Hi Lindsey

 

I'm going to give you a harsh dose of reality here and say he'll probably never change. I've been waiting for my husband to change for 18 years.

 

I won't reitterate my whole story since you can click on my name and read the only thread I've started to see my story. My H is similar to yours.

 

And here's why he won't change. Because he doesn't want to, because he doesn't need to (in his mind), because he feels like he's justified, etc.

 

His life is exactly the way he wants it. He doesn't have to compromise, he doesn't have to socialize, he doesn't have to do things he doesn't want to do. Why would he change? Where is the motivation?

 

If you read my thread one of the great members of LS recommended a couple of books. My favorite is Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It will really open your eyes! I was on the fence because I was so tired of it, and after I read that book I realized that I had a decision to make. Either live with him like that or leave, because he will probably never change.

 

Last fall I told him I wanted a divorce and he begged me to stay and said he would do 'whatever it takes' to keep me. I gave him 3 books on anger and told him he needed individual counseling.

 

6 months later his moods have leveled off a little and he is a little easier to live with, but really nothing has changed. Not enough. AND he hasn't even moved those books or sought out counseling. He just said what he needed to say to keep me from leaving him at the time.

 

Good luck to you! I think you need to start journaling your feelings and read some books on controlling/emotionally abusive men. It may help you sort out your feelings.

[spriggig]

...he now refuses to do marriage counseling.

 

He's bowing out, time for NC. It won't lead to reconciliation but it would do wonders for you, I think.

 

Don't put up with this.

[Lindsey]

I can see why he doesn't want MC. He's got a good life or so he thinks and may not want to ruin a good thing. You need to make a choice or you will eventually snap. Do you have children together? First marriage?

 

You may want to consider taking some time at a family members. Most of all you need to let him know with your ACTIONS that you are serious. If you use words and you are still there doing all those things then you will have lost credibility. Above all though, you must keep your cool in all this. He will do things to get your blood boiling and your going to have to learn how to set boundaries and calmly enforce them with consequences.

 

BTW - That is great your direct mail business is going well. You should most definately be proud of yourself.

This is both of our first marriages, I was 25 when we got married, he was 36. I used to blame things on the fact that he was a bachelor for so long but I have since learned that it's just him. We have no children. This has been an ongoing thing between us. I've always wanted kids, love kids, love playing with other people's kids, etc. Always saw myself has a mom. I'm almost 29 and figured I would have a couple by now. When we first started dating he didn't want kids, I was fine with that at the time because I was young (21) and we has just started dating. His brother then has two kids and he started opening up more to the idea. He was all about having kids when we got married. During one of our fights last fall he told me he never wanted kids, didn't think I would be a good mom, didn't want to bring another life into this world, etc. Of course afterwards he told me that he didn't mean anything he said (like he usually does).

 

I am generally a very cool headed person, I'm very easy going, light tempered 98% of the time.

 

Hi Lindsey

 

I'm going to give you a harsh dose of reality here and say he'll probably never change. I've been waiting for my husband to change for 18 years.

 

I won't reitterate my whole story since you can click on my name and read the only thread I've started to see my story. My H is similar to yours.

 

And here's why he won't change. Because he doesn't want to, because he doesn't need to (in his mind), because he feels like he's justified, etc.

 

His life is exactly the way he wants it. He doesn't have to compromise, he doesn't have to socialize, he doesn't have to do things he doesn't want to do. Why would he change? Where is the motivation?

 

If you read my thread one of the great members of LS recommended a couple of books. My favorite is Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It will really open your eyes! I was on the fence because I was so tired of it, and after I read that book I realized that I had a decision to make. Either live with him like that or leave, because he will probably never change.

 

Last fall I told him I wanted a divorce and he begged me to stay and said he would do 'whatever it takes' to keep me. I gave him 3 books on anger and told him he needed individual counseling.

 

6 months later his moods have leveled off a little and he is a little easier to live with, but really nothing has changed. Not enough. AND he hasn't even moved those books or sought out counseling. He just said what he needed to say to keep me from leaving him at the time.

 

Good luck to you! I think you need to start journaling your feelings and read some books on controlling/emotionally abusive men. It may help you sort out your feelings.

It's funny that you posted here, I had actually read your story the same day I posted mine and thought "will this be me in 20 years?". I've felt like that for a while, I don't want to wake up in 20 years and wonder what I wasted my life for. I know he'll never change unless he wants to. Thanks for the suggestions on the books. I have considered journaling, I use to love to write when I was younger. I had 5 notebooks of journals when I was a teenager but stopped when my privacy was invaded. I would love to be able to write down everything but would need to find a way to do it privately.

 

He's bowing out, time for NC. It won't lead to reconciliation but it would do wonders for you, I think.

 

Don't put up with this.

Thank you!

[Lindsey]

Here's another thing to add. I have always delt with depression in my life, my upbringing was not very good. I always made it through thanks to my family. 2 years ago my job was really getting stressful and I could see myself getting into a deeper depression. Thanks to the encouragement of my family I went to the doctor. He did all kinds of testing but eventually ruled on depression. He put me on some meds. I was so scared to take them at first, I had the bottle for 3 days before I finally took one. I had told H what the doctor did but had basically hid the bottle from him so I didn't have to hear about it. As soon as he realized that I was taking the meds he went off. Telling me I would going to turn out like my mother, things aren't that bad, asking me if it was him - not at that time, it was me! Fast forward to November, I went back to the doctor for a checkup. I had been doing great and an thought about going off the pills. But this was during the time H's anger was getting so bad I was worried. If I left him I wanted to make sure that my head was level and didn't want to go back into depression. I told the doctor (actually his family doctor) the entire story. He agreed with me and kept me on my meds. I'm supposed to go back and see him next month. H finally came to the realization that they are helping me but he doesn't know that know I'm bascially on them because of him and the hell he has put me through.

[Gunny376]

And your with this guy because? In what possible way is he part of the solutions and the answers to the problems, issues, and questions of your life?

 

In what way is he contributing to your achieving your personal life's goals?

 

And finally why are you dragging this dead horse around with everywhere you go in life?

 

He's suppose to be a "Lifemate" not "LifeHate!"

[BB07]

Lindsey..........why? Why are you staying with this guy when he gives you nothing. His actions don't show love or concern, in fact they show that he disrespects you and he doesn't love you. He has a porn addiction, he is abusive........why, why? He is an ASSHAT!

 

You are young.......don't waste anymore time in such a dead end relationship, all it will do is cause you more grief and leave you with scars the longer you allow it to go on. You said you were sick of it.......well get sick enough of it to change it and do it quickly. Don't waste your precious time or your precious love on someone who clearly doesn't deserve it. It's really not as complicated as you think.......it's simple, just leave or kick his sorry azz out.

[Lindsey]

Now you guys are going to make me cry at work! Thank you for all your support.

 

Here's my next question, because apparently I'm weak when it comes to actually leaving him! The first time I was planning on just going but that's when I felt guilty and broke down and told him. The second time my sister and dad came home with me and helped me grab some stuff. How the HELL do I actually leave him? Is there really a good plan or way to do it?

 

He said something very inconsiderate last night and I told him so. He just laughed and said he was kidding. I did tell him that I didn't find it very funny.

[spriggig]

Now you guys are going to make me cry at work! Thank you for all your support.

 

Here's my next question, because apparently I'm weak when it comes to actually leaving him! The first time I was planning on just going but that's when I felt guilty and broke down and told him. The second time my sister and dad came home with me and helped me grab some stuff. How the HELL do I actually leave him? Is there really a good plan or way to do it?

 

He said something very inconsiderate last night and I told him so. He just laughed and said he was kidding. I did tell him that I didn't find it very funny.

 

Well, my wife cut herself off from me emotionally and physically but continued to placate me with platitudes while developing her emotional affair with a man online and planning her escape.

 

You probably need to lean heavily on your support network, whatever it is and even try building it up. Also, work on your own confidence--eat better, exercise, buy some new clothes and generally focus on your own needs. From there you should find it much easier to make the break.

[floridapad]

Lindsey,

 

In order to be strong about this you need to be certain of your decision. You need to think about this very hard and get your heart mind and soul set that it is the right thing to do for yourself and your future. Once you have done that you will have the strength to go and not hear his BS about making it work. You are a young one and you do have many many good years ahead of you!

 

As far as the right way! Wow that is the 2 million dollar question. Know this. You will hurt and he will hurt. He needs that hurt to look at himself in the mirror so don't worry about him, he will be OK and it is necessary. He will likely be angry too. DON'T let that stop you in your resolve. Take your time to get your stuff in order. No need to run out tomorrow and leave unless he is being physically abusive.

 

Also, this is my personal piece of advice, don't go to an OM right now. It will end up hurting you in the long run.

[BB07]

Now you guys are going to make me cry at work! Thank you for all your support.

 

Here's my next question, because apparently I'm weak when it comes to actually leaving him! The first time I was planning on just going but that's when I felt guilty and broke down and told him. The second time my sister and dad came home with me and helped me grab some stuff. How the HELL do I actually leave him? Is there really a good plan or way to do it?

 

He said something very inconsiderate last night and I told him so. He just laughed and said he was kidding. I did tell him that I didn't find it very funny.

 

Lindsey, let your family and friends support you.

 

Honestly, in a short time you will see that you don't miss him, you will just miss what you thought he was and what you thought it could be. Reality is not what you want it to be.......it's what it IS.

[Lindsey]

Well, my wife cut herself off from me emotionally and physically but continued to placate me with platitudes while developing her emotional affair with a man online and planning her escape.

 

You probably need to lean heavily on your support network, whatever it is and even try building it up. Also, work on your own confidence--eat better, exercise, buy some new clothes and generally focus on your own needs. From there you should find it much easier to make the break.

Support is the one thing I do have going for me. I just texted my sister a little while ago and said that I wanted to talk with her sometime this weekend. I told her why and she said to call when I'm off work. My confidence is actually pretty good, I have not let him beat me down (completely). I work out almost every day - it's is my get away time! I do eat better and trust me I probably do not need to do anymore shopping That's one thing that makes me laugh, I thought he didn't want me because I had put on some weight since we got married. I started working out last year (not for him but for myself) and have lost weight and totally toned up and he still doesn't want me! His loss! I do think that I am going to take more time for myself though, I do deserve that!

 

Lindsey,

 

In order to be strong about this you need to be certain of your decision. You need to think about this very hard and get your heart mind and soul set that it is the right thing to do for yourself and your future. Once you have done that you will have the strength to go and not hear his BS about making it work. You are a young one and you do have many many good years ahead of you!

 

As far as the right way! Wow that is the 2 million dollar question. Know this. You will hurt and he will hurt. He needs that hurt to look at himself in the mirror so don't worry about him, he will be OK and it is necessary. He will likely be angry too. DON'T let that stop you in your resolve. Take your time to get your stuff in order. No need to run out tomorrow and leave unless he is being physically abusive.

 

Also, this is my personal piece of advice, don't go to an OM right now. It will end up hurting you in the long run.

Yah there probably won't be an OM for a while! Well I say that now right... I'm almost to the point where I want to tell him I have met someone else: MYSELF!!

[Lindsey]

Lindsey, let your family and friends support you.

 

Honestly, in a short time you will see that you don't miss him, you will just miss what you thought he was and what you thought it could be. Reality is not what you want it to be.......it's what it IS.

As I mentioned above I have a ton of support! Between my family and my friends they all know what's going on and are all there for me! Including his sister-in-law! It's ironic, I have more friends now then when I met him, guess I needed them the most after I met him.

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

You are looking at your future! Me! Don’t let this happen to you!

 

Seriously, there is no easy way. It will be hard. Hard for both of you. You need to really soul search and realize that this is the best thing for you. You need to put yourself first (possibly for the first time ever) and do what’s best for you. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you want to see your future all you have to do is look behind you. More of the same.

 

And DO NOT have children with that fool. Count your blessings. I see here 2 choices. You stay with him and hope you can convince him to have kids, then in a few years you’ll be in the same position with kids! NOT GOOD! Or you leave now while you’re still young and have the rest of your life ahead of you.

 

I’m early 40’s and I feel like I have the rest of my life ahead of me and would kill to be 29 again in this frame of mind.

 

Chances are your H didn’t want you on the meds because he felt like it might make you feel better and realize what was going on and dump him. You need to look at that as control. Also chances are he lied to you about wanting kids to get you to marry him. And then instead of admitting that he lied, he tries to convince you that you don’t want to have kids either by telling you that you will be a bad mother. It’s control. Him trying to have his life the way he wants it without having to give you a life that you want. It’s control. You need to recognize it for what it is and get angry!

 

If you get it in your mind that this is the best thing for you and just move forward to your goal, then the nasty things he’ll say to you may not hurt you so much, because you know it’s not true. He will say horrible things about you. To your friends, his friends, your family, his family, your co-workers. It’s going to hurt. But you know the truth. You need to know it and believe it and ignore it as best as you can. He's not going to let you go easily, because he wants his life the way he wants it, and that's with you in it and being somewhat submissive. Total BS. So prepare for a fight. But do it anyway.

 

I’m one of those people that thinks that things happen for a reason. Maybe he came into your life to teach you to stand up for yourself, to show you what you’re made of, to help you realize the kind of person you need to be with. He doesn’t deserve you.

 

There are good things in store for your future. You’ll be more confident, you’ll be stronger, you’ll know the kinds of men to stay away from and the kind of partner you’ll want to share your life with. Now that you’re older and know more about what you want, the next relationship is full of promise, because you will demand more from a partner.

 

Be strong. And leave his sorry behind.

 

Also I agree with other poster, do not get into another relationship (either emotional or physical). Take this time to figure out who you are and what you want. Chances are to be in this relationship with him you had to give up a little (or a lot) of who you are. Find that person again, by yourself, without relying on another relationship to give you that boost.

 

Get your affairs in order, so to speak. Do all of the things you need to do that might be difficult once he realizes you’re leaving. Try to save some money. Check your credit report. Get a checking and/or savings account (and maybe a credit card) in your own name. Make copies of any bank statements.

 

Good luck! Your future is bright! If you could see yourself on the other side of this you would know it’s the right thing to do.

 

Listen to Daughtry’s ‘No Surprise’, Chris Trapper’s ‘This Time’, Josh Gracin’s ‘I want to live’, Miley Cyrus ‘The Climb’, Sugarland’s ‘Something More’ (the chorus), Jerry Reed’s ‘She got the Goldmine, I got the shaft’. (Kidding about that last one).

 

Take a deep breath and do what you need to do to get yourself back. You will never regret it.

 

'There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom'

[Lindsey]

You are looking at your future! Me! Don’t let this happen to you!

 

Seriously, there is no easy way. It will be hard. Hard for both of you. You need to really soul search and realize that this is the best thing for you. You need to put yourself first (possibly for the first time ever) and do what’s best for you. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you want to see your future all you have to do is look behind you. More of the same.

 

And DO NOT have children with that fool. Count your blessings. I see here 2 choices. You stay with him and hope you can convince him to have kids, then in a few years you’ll be in the same position with kids! NOT GOOD! Or you leave now while you’re still young and have the rest of your life ahead of you.

 

I’m early 40’s and I feel like I have the rest of my life ahead of me and would kill to be 29 again in this frame of mind.

 

Chances are your H didn’t want you on the meds because he felt like it might make you feel better and realize what was going on and dump him. You need to look at that as control. Also chances are he lied to you about wanting kids to get you to marry him. And then instead of admitting that he lied, he tries to convince you that you don’t want to have kids either by telling you that you will be a bad mother. It’s control. Him trying to have his life the way he wants it without having to give you a life that you want. It’s control. You need to recognize it for what it is and get angry!

 

If you get it in your mind that this is the best thing for you and just move forward to your goal, then the nasty things he’ll say to you may not hurt you so much, because you know it’s not true. He will say horrible things about you. To your friends, his friends, your family, his family, your co-workers. It’s going to hurt. But you know the truth. You need to know it and believe it and ignore it as best as you can. He's not going to let you go easily, because he wants his life the way he wants it, and that's with you in it and being somewhat submissive. Total BS. So prepare for a fight. But do it anyway.

 

I’m one of those people that thinks that things happen for a reason. Maybe he came into your life to teach you to stand up for yourself, to show you what you’re made of, to help you realize the kind of person you need to be with. He doesn’t deserve you.

 

There are good things in store for your future. You’ll be more confident, you’ll be stronger, you’ll know the kinds of men to stay away from and the kind of partner you’ll want to share your life with. Now that you’re older and know more about what you want, the next relationship is full of promise, because you will demand more from a partner.

 

Be strong. And leave his sorry behind.

 

Also I agree with other poster, do not get into another relationship (either emotional or physical). Take this time to figure out who you are and what you want. Chances are to be in this relationship with him you had to give up a little (or a lot) of who you are. Find that person again, by yourself, without relying on another relationship to give you that boost.

 

Get your affairs in order, so to speak. Do all of the things you need to do that might be difficult once he realizes you’re leaving. Try to save some money. Check your credit report. Get a checking and/or savings account (and maybe a credit card) in your own name. Make copies of any bank statements.

 

Good luck! Your future is bright! If you could see yourself on the other side of this you would know it’s the right thing to do.

 

Listen to Daughtry’s ‘No Surprise’, Chris Trapper’s ‘This Time’, Josh Gracin’s ‘I want to live’, Miley Cyrus ‘The Climb’, Sugarland’s ‘Something More’ (the chorus), Jerry Reed’s ‘She got the Goldmine, I got the shaft’. (Kidding about that last one).

 

Take a deep breath and do what you need to do to get yourself back. You will never regret it.

 

'There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom'

Thank you! And I was telling you the truth when I said I read your story and saw myself! I do have one good thing going for me, I do have a good head on my shoulders. I've always been a very independent woman, I lived on my own for 5 years before I moved in with H - we were engaged 4 months before we moved in together. I know how it is to be on my own and know what it takes to do so. I know that is one thing that drives him nuts, I cannot sit around the house and do nothing, I have to do something!

 

Don't worry about having kids, I've been on the pill for years and well sex is non-existant right now so there is very little chace that could happen. I know kids won't change him, I know there isn't a chance in hell I want to get pregnant now!

 

As far as money goes, one good thing is we've always kept our money in different accounts. So I have my own checking account and credit/debit cards. This started because he didn't want me telling what he could and couldn't spend his money on and because I didn't want him blowing money that was ear marked for bills! Really the only things we have in our name is our trailer (paid for - he can keep it!) and our car. The car was more his idea than mine, he thought my car (the one I owned and paid for since the early months of our relationship) was falling apart and we bought a new one in August. Little did I know at that time I would regret that cause that has been the biggest lead up to fighting! I didn't get a say in what car or how much but yet he knew how much I drive and still complains that I put too many miles on the car "he" pays for. Um yah, last I looked I pay for it too! Sorry now I'm rattling on!

[Gunny376]

Of course your going to hurt him, and its going to be painful for you as well. But its like the guy that got stuck in the canyon out West and had to cut his own arm in order to survive.

 

Sometimes you've got to do what you got to do.

 

He might change? One day, but it will only because you did hurt him, and he embrace the pain and made the necessary changes to grow and mature.

 

And he's got to change for himself, and all the more he's got to want to change for himself and himself.

 

IMHO? A man can't really call himself a real MAN until he's had his heart broken good and proper?

 

That S&*$ HURTS! You survive that crap Jack? You've earned the right to call yourself a man!

 

Your not doing him nor yourself any favors by staying.

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

It's funny to me how many similarities there are between us and our H's. There are huge differences, of course, but definitely similarities.

 

My H is quite a bit older than I am (14 years) and he was 36 when we married. Never been married before and I thought maybe some of his ways was just from being stuck in his ways since he had been single for so long.

 

He gives me a hard time about the house, even though I think I do an o.k job at keeping it up. It's like I'm the woman so it's my job. I use to think he was old fashioned, now I think he just wants it clean but doesn't want to have to do it himself.

 

I also was involved in a direct sales business (pc) for 8 years when the kids were growing up. He was supportive to a point (me going to conferences, etc) but never really took it as a 'serious job' even though towards the end of my career with them I was earning about $3000 a month.

 

I'm a strong, independent person who has a great sense of humor and lots of friends. I was 20 when we met and I think he was attracted to that side of me, since he's more standoffish.

 

His family has never said I should leave him but even his mother would thank me for staying with him! His BIL even said to me last year 'when your life is over the one thing you'll know for sure is that you made a difference in one lonely man's life'. I couldn't help but think 'what about me?'. Is that my lot in life to rescue him from being a lonely, miserable bachelor??

 

So it's funny to me reading your story how many of the facts are the same.

 

Stay strong. But run fast. Sorry, being punchy today. Hope you're having a great weekend.

[Chingaling]

"I just want to be happy for once".

 

Gosh, girl - you are young and full of potential! MrsA has good advice for you - she has walked the walk. If you are not happy now and your H is not willing to make you happy, then you should likely consider cutting your losses (are there any?) and moving on...

 

There is nothing worse than looking back 25 years from now and wishing and knowing that you should have ended the marriage years before for all the right reasons and didn't.

 

It's not an easy decision to make, but I sense that you are a responsible young woman and are seriously concerned about the future of your relationship with your H, and I know that you will choose the right path.

[silverfish]

It's funny to me how many similarities there are between us and our H's. There are huge differences, of course, but definitely similarities.

 

My H is quite a bit older than I am (14 years) and he was 36 when we married. Never been married before and I thought maybe some of his ways was just from being stuck in his ways since he had been single for so long.

 

He gives me a hard time about the house, even though I think I do an o.k job at keeping it up. It's like I'm the woman so it's my job. I use to think he was old fashioned, now I think he just wants it clean but doesn't want to have to do it himself.

 

I also was involved in a direct sales business (pc) for 8 years when the kids were growing up. He was supportive to a point (me going to conferences, etc) but never really took it as a 'serious job' even though towards the end of my career with them I was earning about $3000 a month.

 

I'm a strong, independent person who has a great sense of humor and lots of friends. I was 20 when we met and I think he was attracted to that side of me, since he's more standoffish.

 

His family has never said I should leave him but even his mother would thank me for staying with him! His BIL even said to me last year 'when your life is over the one thing you'll know for sure is that you made a difference in one lonely man's life'. I couldn't help but think 'what about me?'. Is that my lot in life to rescue him from being a lonely, miserable bachelor??

 

So it's funny to me reading your story how many of the facts are the same.

 

Stay strong. But run fast. Sorry, being punchy today. Hope you're having a great weekend.

 

I relate to that - my ex h is definitely attracted / repulsed by that side of my character too. Its almost like he hates me because he's jealous of me in so many ways. Mrs A how are you doing yourself?

 

OP you should read up on emotional abuse its an eye opener how unoriginal and what a 'type' these people are - its amazing really....that whole 'bad boy' persona reduced to a few pathetic inadequecies, sad, very sad......but what's sadder is what it will do to you if you keep perpetuating his reality for him.

 

It will destroy your self esteem, and I can see that you still have some of that! he really is (if you read up) not so unique or special (any more than the rest of us anyway), he's just loving the power and control over you - get on amazon and read, read, read...