zaq12wsx Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Dear All: Like all here I have a beautiful predicament: - I met this woman about 4 months ago and we instantly hit off and we spent as much time together as possible between our work related travel. - Early last month i.e. third month into our dating I wanted to talk to her in detail about my rape (an extremely extremely violent rape that happened about 14 years ago when I was living in a different country) because I thought that we were there in the relationship that she should know of it. However, the prospect of telling totally consumed me and I only told her bits and pieces of the incident and its aftermath - it consumed me so much so that everytime I met her I just wanted to talk about it, and in the process completely stopped being myself. I was all the time negative and a not fun person to be with. (I have been through years of therapy so I dont need that.) - So about 3 weeks, she said that she doesn't see any long term potential in our relationship, and also that we are of different religion. Personally that is not important to me bc I believe we are the children of the same god. - With my perspective in life, I dont have any drama left in me. I totally accepted and respected her decision and wished her good bye and good luck. I have not seen her or talked to her since then (i.e. 3 weeks). We exchanged about 4/5 txt messages during this period. - So thats the context...the problem is that I really love her. I have always been very cautious in relationships, but she is different. What I feel for her is what I have never felt for anyone, and I am not a young guy.. So should I try to talk to her and explain her how I feel about her, and what I was going through or would that be manipulating her? I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me because of my rape, but would it fair to talk to her about my feelings or would that be putting pressure on her? - I am confused....and any advice would be appreciated.. Thanks...
Ilovecake Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 That's a really heavy subject to talk about and if you have a one track mind and can't talk about anything else I can see how she would feel overwhelmed and burdened. It's one thing to let her know what happened but the details are for you, the prosecutor, and your therapist. I'm sorry that you went through such a horrible experience, I can't even fathom what it's like to have to live with that but you do have to do everything possible to somehow learn to live with it. I would suggest you keep up with very extensive therapy sessions and keep putting work into healing and growing as a person. Maybe when you reach that point where the rape is not overwhelming all aspects of your life you can try and build a stronger bond with someone.
Author zaq12wsx Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 Thanks for your reply IloveCake. Maybe I didn't express it clearly.. - I didn't want to tell her all the details, but just give her a little more context as it was a life changing event for me. - Actually, I didn't burden her with any information - it's just I was dull, negative and consumed because I was not sure how to tell her and how much to tell because I didn't want her to feel burdened or feel sorry for me...On the contrary generally I am a very funny person to be... - I guess she was no longer attracted to the fact that I was so different suddenly and made a decision - As for therapy I have through years of it, it doesn't effect my life at all except when I have to talk about it... Anyway, thx for your reply - this discussion in itself has given me clarity. I will try to explain to her without any drama and see where the chips fall. Love is meant to be shared....if not her, it might be someone else...
GrayClouds Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Thanks for your reply IloveCake. Maybe I didn't express it clearly.. - I didn't want to tell her all the details, but just give her a little more context as it was a life changing event for me. - Actually, I didn't burden her with any information - it's just I was dull, negative and consumed because I was not sure how to tell her and how much to tell because I didn't want her to feel burdened or feel sorry for me...On the contrary generally I am a very funny person to be... - I guess she was no longer attracted to the fact that I was so different suddenly and made a decision - As for therapy I have through years of it, it doesn't effect my life at all except when I have to talk about it... Anyway, thx for your reply - this discussion in itself has given me clarity. I will try to explain to her without any drama and see where the chips fall. Love is meant to be shared....if not her, it might be someone else... The abuse that you went through does make people protective of themselves and it is natural that you are too. The difficulty can be while we are protecting ourselves, and evaluation if this other person is someone we want to open to, we can miss the subtle signal the other person is giving resulting in miss reading where they are at in the relationship. I suspect you felt a bit more connected then see did at the time of the conversation. And you open up and afterword there was some difficulty. I suspect it was not the facts of your story or even your mood afterward that effect the relationship. As state earlier, you were more into her then she was. That happens to all of us. So now you are missing the feeling of connecting, because you did open yourself up to someone. It is a feeling you been want to enjoy for along time. But like everyone, opening up can sometime hurt. That hurt your feeling now, there is some wonder positives to take away from it. First you shown to yourself that you can open up and be vulnerable. That takes courage. You did it and still your ok. Second it gave you an opportunity to practice talking about a senstive part of your life. You have learn something you can improve on the next time you talk about it. You also have some insight how it may affect your mood after you do and you can communicate that to the other person next time. I would not contact her any more. I would focus on getting past your feeling for her and the relationship. In all likelihood, despite your feeling fro her, she just was not the best person for you. There is someone else out there who will see your experiences have effected you but will appreciate that you have worked hard to move past the negative of it to help develop some of you better qualities. My only other suggestion is, why quit difficult, practice with people you are close to by talking with them about the subject. And help learn what part you can talk about, feel ok doing so, and what things you want to keep for yourself. The better you get at it, the more comfortable you feel about talking about it, that more everyone will see the strength, courage and positive qualities you have gain from the negative experience. Which even from your post, it communicate you have.
Ilovecake Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 However, the prospect of telling totally consumed me and I only told her bits and pieces of the incident and its aftermath - it consumed me so much so that everytime I met her I just wanted to talk about it, and in the process completely stopped being myself. I was all the time negative and a not fun person to be with. Sorry I guess by reading this statement I understood that that's all you could think and talk about when you were with her.
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