Confused_Star Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 I have been married to my wife for a year or so and i love her to death. Before we got married i knew that she always had a curiosity about being with the same sex but kinda buried that feeling once she met me. A few days ago at her birthday party she introduced me to all of her friends from school (including one in particular...we will call her "Manda"). she introduced us and told me that manda was straight lesbian when we arrived home. I said ok (and really didnt thynk anything of it until a few days ago) She would get numerous amounts of text messages to the point where it started to get annoying. i got the chance to see who the textee was and sure enough it was Manda. so this went on for a few days and one day i just had enough of it. (i am not the type that invades my wifes privacy. so going through clothes, purses, phones isnt what i do) but i had to make an exception this 1 time. so one evening while she was in the shower i read the thread of texts for that day that her and manda had with each other and to my surprise i seen that they were talking about "how it will feel if they were to do things with each other" so i waited til the next day to question my wife about their relationship and she told me that "yes manda likes her, but manda has assured her/me that she isnt like that b/c she respects me and wat me and my wife have together" so i let it go..and gave them the benefit of the doubt. until i seen another text from manda that said "i can't wait til tomorrow, maybe i could give you that kiss you have been wanting" so i was appaled at that moment but didnt get all the way upset...i cooled down and while we were n the bed and i was caressing her body i noticed that she didnt shave her p*ssy, and that she was "a lil 2 tired 2 have sex with me"..so i slept on it and the nex day when i talked to her she said that they were goin 2 b studyin for a test the next day (b/c they are in a class together) so i let her since it is a legitiment excuse..and i stepped into the shower and noticed a razor) now i hav no proof, but in my mynd i am thinking that maybe she used it to shave her p*ssy so it could look nice for when her and manda met up to study? (wat do u thynk?) but bak to the story... i asked her if there were anything that her and manda has done that i would not approve of and she told me that ever since the 1st confrontation we had about it she placed manda in her "just friends" category and left it as that...but i still feel as though she could be hidin something from me..what would you do/how would you feel in my situation/what should i do from here?
Bryanp Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 This is sad especially since you have only been married a year. If you have read all of these messages and they were from a man - would you be so calm and accepting as you are? If a man had text your wife telling her he could not wait to give her the kiss that she wants I think you would be hoping mad. You should be very angry with her. Do you really have to have a piano fall on your head to understand what is happening? Cheating is cheating. If a man had written her that he could not wait to do things with her I am sure you would be very angry. The fact that she could engage with someone else with these types of messages indicates that she has little respect for you and the concept of fidelity. I think you are in denial and your wife is in damage control mode. You have to deal with this only being married one year is a horrible red flag. You have major problems already. This friendship is clearly toxic to your marriage. Again if it was a man you would demand no contact. It should be the same now. I wish you luck.
seibert253 Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 If these texts were from a guy, would you be so quick to dismiss your wifes explainations? I would hope not. Whether they originated from a guy or girl is imaterial. They are wrong and not appropriate for a married woman. Period. Me thinks there is more to this story. IMO you need to gather more info prior to a "come to Jesus" meeting with your W about this. Monitor texts, install a keylogger on any computer she uses. She may not be involved in a PA with this "friend", but it sure looks like it's moving in that direction. She's gonna continue to lie and minimize until you overwelm her with evidence. She may even continue the lies after that. You need to nip this in the butt sooner rather than later.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 I'm sorry but why do men get so upset about their wife thinking about something that their H's masturbate to?????? She talking to her for emotional needs..I can tell in your "Shaving her P***y" comment that you are probably not the emotional kind. who refers to their wifes goods like that? jeeze
reservoirdog1 Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 (edited) I'm sorry but why do men get so upset about their wife thinking about something that their H's masturbate to?????? She talking to her for emotional needs..I can tell in your "Shaving her P***y" comment that you are probably not the emotional kind. who refers to their wifes goods like that? jeeze Okay... first of all, what vocab SHOULD he have used to avoid the accusation that he lacks emotion? That's a pretty strong reaction to a pretty inoffensive, commonplace word. Secondly, this is beyond mere "fantasy". Yes, some men fantasize about lesbian sex. So what? There's actual sexual communication going on between the OP's wife and another person. The text messages from "Manda" were highly inappropriate, especially given that she claims to "respect" the OP's marriage. (Gag.) The OP's wife should have shut those down when they started, not engaged in a back and forth that's culminated in what seems to be an intention for the two to meet up and turn the fantasy, in part, into reality. Jonesy, you're demonstrating a complete double standard. Why is it acceptable for the OP's wife to seek fulfillment of her emotional needs outside the marriage, just because she's seeking that fulfillment from another woman? If she was seeking that from another man, would you see it as okay? I suspect that if the tables were turned and the OP was "seeking fulfillment of his emotional needs" from another woman, you'd jump down his throat about it. A little consistency. Please. Sauce for the goose, sauce for the gander. Edited March 18, 2010 by reservoirdog1
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Time for your wife to end this 'friendship' with Manda. She is waiting for the right moment to take advantage here and your wife is very close to 'experiementing' with her. She is putting energy and care into someone else and THAT is cheating, reguardless of the fact it's a woman. Those texts just show how close they are and your wife needs to end it with Manda. Immediately. If your wife refuses to, then you need to then decide if you want to stay married to someone who is bi-sexual and maybe a (closet) lesbian.
Jeff1962 Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 I'm sorry but why do men get so upset about their wife thinking about something that their H's masturbate to?????? She talking to her for emotional needs..I can tell in your "Shaving her P***y" comment that you are probably not the emotional kind. who refers to their wifes goods like that? jeeze I respect your opinions here. I personally do not fantasize about my wife being with another woman. Not all men do. No matter the gender of the other person, when you are married you only share this with your spouse, PERIOD, in my eyes. Any person that interferes with the marital bond is a threat in my opinion. I do not care if it is emotional, physical male or female. Married is married period. This friend of the W needs to back off here. yes. it is the W's choice but I would be totally pissed as the H is. People need to learn boundries.
spriggig Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 I respect your opinions here. I personally do not fantasize about my wife being with another woman. Not all men do. No matter the gender of the other person, when you are married you only share this with your spouse, PERIOD, in my eyes. Any person that interferes with the marital bond is a threat in my opinion. Agree on all three points. OP needs to confront this now and have no more doubt that this is serious. Fantasy is healthy, cheating is not.
BettyBoop Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 her body i noticed that she didnt shave her p*ssy, and that she was "a lil 2 tired 2 have sex with me"....and i stepped into the shower and noticed a razor) Unless she shaves every single night or every other night that is no proof. I leave my razor in the shower as well sometimes - you do realise women also shave their legs and armpits this way? Personally, I have to shave my legs and armpits like every third day or something...so that did not stand out to me. I do agree that the texting is inappropriate though and should stop immediately.
seibert253 Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 I respect your opinions here. I personally do not fantasize about my wife being with another woman. Not all men do. No matter the gender of the other person, when you are married you only share this with your spouse, PERIOD, in my eyes. Any person that interferes with the marital bond is a threat in my opinion. I do not care if it is emotional, physical male or female. Married is married period. This friend of the W needs to back off here. yes. it is the W's choice but I would be totally pissed as the H is. People need to learn boundries. Couldn't have said it any better myself Jeff IMO your thinking is dead on. Apply yourself and take care of this situation. Her "friend" is a cancer to your marriage IMO. Ultimately your going to have to give your W a choice, the "friend" or me. Her choice will tell you all you need to know about where to go after that. Good Luck my friend.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 Hmmmm... This reminds me of my situation only my STBX's AP is a man. Bottom line, you WILL NOT have the ability to stop her from doing what she wants. Her conduct more than indicates she's willing to experiment, minimally. I must preface what I'm about to say with I am 110% not an advocate for divorce and my M was my top priority. You must tell her she has to cease contact with this woman or it's a deal breaker - and by deal breaker I suggest you clearly say to her: I will divorce you if this does not stop! You must be that blunt and you must follow through. Please believe me on this. Your situation and mine are freaky simalar; only your W is messing w/ a girl & mine w/ a guy. Tell her immediatly that this is how it has to be, or else. I promise you, if you do not follow through by filing, she will take this "thing" she has to do under cover. Don't take this garbage - beleive me. There's not a damn thing you can do to stop her from doing what SHE wants; all u can decide is what YOU do.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 I respect your opinions here. I personally do not fantasize about my wife being with another woman. Not all men do. No matter the gender of the other person, when you are married you only share this with your spouse, PERIOD, in my eyes. Any person that interferes with the marital bond is a threat in my opinion. I do not care if it is emotional, physical male or female. Married is married period. This friend of the W needs to back off here. yes. it is the W's choice but I would be totally pissed as the H is. People need to learn boundries. Couldn't agree more.. OP, I'm sorry that i seem a bit rash in my response..I just find that word repulsive unless its used during "dirty talk" lol I understand why you are upset..and this is something you really need to confront.
ADF Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 There's a whole lot to worry about in this situation. I think you're wife is lying to you about both her intentions with regards to this woman and (possibly) about how intimate they've become. This Manda is being utterly inappropriate and is a threat to the stability of your marriage. Your wife is clearly deceiving you, and people who practice deception don't do so just once or in just one areas. Liars lie to everyone, all the time, about all kinds of things. You might need to renegotiate the terms of your marriage. If your wife is bisexual, then you might need to open the marriage up just enough to let her get some of her needs met. If she is a lesbian, she shouldn't be married to a man at all. In any case, you are overdue for a very serious chat.
Author Confused_Star Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 thanx 2 everyone 4 the feedback...thangs is a lot smoother than it was..cuz i confronted both of them at da same time and it worked out 4 the best. they were still talkin' after i confronted them and said "it was mainly friends now" and i gave her the option 2 stay wit me or continue 2 hav her as a friend..so she choose me and within a few seconds of her decision i gave her another phone..n took her old one...so she wouldnt hav mandas number...and now i keep an eye out (jus n case it happens again) but there havent been any signs of it so i am contempt with that and took in everyones suggestions n comments and i appreciate it alot
jnj express Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Only one thing needs to be said about this---THERE ARE PLENTY OF HUSBANDS, WHO HAVE LOST THEIR WIVES, AND MARRIAGES TO LESBIANS You better wake up, and treat it for what it is, she is falling for another human---what difference male or female
whichwayisup Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 thanx 2 everyone 4 the feedback...thangs is a lot smoother than it was..cuz i confronted both of them at da same time and it worked out 4 the best. they were still talkin' after i confronted them and said "it was mainly friends now" and i gave her the option 2 stay wit me or continue 2 hav her as a friend..so she choose me and within a few seconds of her decision i gave her another phone..n took her old one...so she wouldnt hav mandas number...and now i keep an eye out (jus n case it happens again) but there havent been any signs of it so i am contempt with that and took in everyones suggestions n comments and i appreciate it alot You don't think she know Manda's phone number by heart? Sorry, but I highly doubt she's ended it. Have you spoken to Manda and told her that you and your wife are working on the marriage and she can't be involved or be in your wife's life anymore? Do you know for sure your wife has actually told this woman it's over?
linwood Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I'm sorry but why do men get so upset about their wife thinking about something that their H's masturbate to?????? She talking to her for emotional needs..I can tell in your "Shaving her P***y" comment that you are probably not the emotional kind. who refers to their wifes goods like that? jeeze I refer to my wifes "goods" like that all the time as she does as well. In fact I think referring to my wifes "goods" as "goods" is far more demeaning than using the word "pussy". Your wife is having an EA and is heading for a PA. Stop her now and put your foot down. She is to stop all contact with Manda. Keep your eye on her.
seibert253 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Only one thing needs to be said about this---THERE ARE PLENTY OF HUSBANDS, WHO HAVE LOST THEIR WIVES, AND MARRIAGES TO LESBIANS You better wake up, and treat it for what it is, she is falling for another human---what difference male or female Yeap. I personally know three guys whose wives left them for the OW. One eventually wanted to come back home but my bud had enough. The other two are still "gone" far as I know.
Church Bells Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 (edited) Yeap. I personally know three guys whose wives left them for the OW. One eventually wanted to come back home but my bud had enough. The other two are still "gone" far as I know. ... and I lost a very close relative to suicide after he found out that his W was in a lesbian affair that "pushed him off of life's little edge". Life is VERY fragile ... and dealing with this ***** WILL take years off of your life in one way or the other. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrPXONk3-tQ Edited June 10, 2010 by Church Bells
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