Author helgaisbroken Posted March 19, 2010 Author Posted March 19, 2010 Wow thank you for all your replies. I written the letter yesterday but haven't yet confess. I'm still thinking about it. Part of me is telling to give it to him but at the same time, I feel by doing that I would be placing all the burden on him while relieve my guilt. There is no way he will find out because none of my friends nor family knows the co-worker. In the addition, the OM understands it was a mistake not to happened again and we were both drunk that day. We haven't spoke to each other since.
Author helgaisbroken Posted March 19, 2010 Author Posted March 19, 2010 Have you confessed yet?No I have not.
Author helgaisbroken Posted March 19, 2010 Author Posted March 19, 2010 There is something Helga's not getting in her relationship, which she figured she'd get with the OM. She stopped because the guilt kicked in, which is good. The problem is that the "need" that wasn't being fulfilled, STILL isn't being fulfilled. And the BF has no idea, presumably, what that need is, or that Helga almost screwed another guy to get that need met.I'm trying to figure out if there was something missing in the relationship but even I'm having a hard time. I don't know what exactly caused that to happened. All I know is I'll never do it again. The most disturbing thing is that she decided to do this, in the home she shares with her BF, on Valentine's Day, when she already knew (though she says she'd forgotten) that her BF was expected home shortly. That's a huge combination of disrespectful factors. I'm having difficulty seeing this as something than an elaborate "f*** you" directed at the BF over the unmet need.It was a very close call that day. My BF didn't have forgotten the extra copies of my keys so he was knocking on the door.
Author helgaisbroken Posted March 19, 2010 Author Posted March 19, 2010 (edited) Helga---how did you handle the situation with your BF at your house, or apt., and your ONS in the attic.I have totally forgotten the day that my BF was coming to visit me and later on we would go out dinning. I told the ONS to hide in the attic but leave after we're gone. That's how I manage to solved the situation because if I had hidden him somewhere else, my BF would have caught him. I was only lucky there is an attic on my apartment and my BF forgetting the copies of my keys. How did you interact with your BF, thru that encounter, how did you get ONS out w/out your BF, knowing.I called my BF through his cell phone and told him I had fallen asleep (he knows I can't stand being messy) and will be down in about 15 minutes. You need to be careful, in that your BF, may have percieved something was wrong, or going on right then and there.He noticed my eyes were a bit watery (from crying after feeling guilty) but I convinced him it was due to sleep deprivation. Edited March 19, 2010 by helgaisbroken
Bryanp Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 Helga, You have written the letter as I suggested so now do the right thing and give it to him. Ask him to read the whole letter before he discusses it with you. Nobody deserves to be disrespected this way. I hope you got checked before you were intimate with your boyfriend again. He deserves to know the truth. Again either you wish to have a relationship based on honesty and respect or one based on lies and deceit. The choice is yours. Do the right thing and be honest with him. I wish you luck.
Author helgaisbroken Posted March 19, 2010 Author Posted March 19, 2010 Helga, You have written the letter as I suggested so now do the right thing and give it to him. Ask him to read the whole letter before he discusses it with you. Nobody deserves to be disrespected this way. Alright so what I'll do is suggest later on today that he meets me somewhere, go with the letter and give it to him (not in my apt. because he'll probably leave fast). I hope you got checked before you were intimate with your boyfriend again. He deserves to know the truth. Again either you wish to have a relationship based on honesty and respect or one based on lies and deceit. The choice is yours. Do the right thing and be honest with him. I wish you luck.Bryanp I did not have intercourse, nor oral or anal. We made out, cuddled and the OM only fingered me. In this case I don't think there is a risk of contacting a disease. However this guilt is killing me to the point I can't sleep without crying. I can't take it anymore. Let's suppose he gave me another chance, how long would the healing process be for a man? As I was browsing online about infidelity, men are less likely to forgive than women.
Bryanp Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 Hello again, I think going to a public place is a very good idea. I realized after I sent the last message that you did not engage in sexual intercourse which is a huge plus for recovery. I think in your situation he will be angry that you were not honest with him from the get go and that another man did touch you. The fact is that you did not have intercourse with him so my guess is that you are in a much better place than most other. He will be angry that you made him feel like a fool. He will be angry initially but at the end of the day he will appreciate your honesty. He will also know that you are a woman who has feelings of guilt and remorse and will not lie to him in the future. You are doing the right thing. Good luck.
Spark1111 Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 Helga.....please get into Counseling. Try to find out why you keep looking for love in all the wrong places, (abandonment) or trying to punish the men who do show up and try to love you (infidelity). I think you have a lot of anger at the daddy you did not know and until you resolve this, every man will be an actor in your ongoing and unresolved childhood drama. Figure it out with the help of a good counselor so you can lead a more authentic life and also a less self-sabotaging and self-destructive one. I wish you peace.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 Can someone please help me on how do I tell him what I done? you just tell him, sit him down and say, "I have something to tell you, on Valentine's day, I cheated with Joe Schmuck" and if he asks details, you just tell him you groped each other and made out. What is the least painful way of informing him about it. there is no least painful way, you just tell him the facts I'll be the best girlfriend from now on. I've felt this type of deep connection for a man before. obviously not, or you wouldn't have cheated And if he decides to stay with you, then you spending time with other men is OVER. Just so you know my background: I used to played with men's feelings, used them to buy me items, stood them up on dates, insulted some and ditch one after another but never cheated. I've done this from ages 13 all the whole to my adulthood, was player back then who would get bored fast. This time is different because I cheated and for the first time there is this overwhelming guilt. so you never cheated on the guys you played for money, stood them up, etc...but this guy you allegedly have a "connection" with gets cheated on. wow....just ....wow. Can someone help me please. I know most of you might think I don't love him but it's happening. This is the first I've ever felt that way towards a man before. you have a funny way of showing these feelings by screwing around with another guy. confess, let your bf decide for himself if you are worthy of a 2nd chance(if he were me you wouldn't be). and if he decides to keep you, then you need to stay away from other men...no lunch dates with other men unless it is in a group or something, and no spending time alone with other men. you also be an open book if he asks you to. If you aren't willing to do any of this, then set the poor guy free from you so he can find someone that respects him.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 Let's suppose he gave me another chance, how long would the healing process be for a man? As I was browsing online about infidelity, men are less likely to forgive than women. yes, I believe men are less likely to forgive. how long is the healing process? neverending, because he will NEVER forget what you did. and even if he forgives you and moves on, there will always be some small part of him that won't trust you completely, and will always be somewhat suspicious of your actions when away from him, no matter how small the suspicion and distrust may be, there will be some minute amount of it.
Author helgaisbroken Posted March 20, 2010 Author Posted March 20, 2010 After hesitating for what seem to be eternity, I gave him the letter near McDonalds' fast food restaurant. I told him to meet me there because something important I had to show him. Even after everything was explained in the letter, he kept asking why to the point I started crying and said I don't know, I don't know. I have never in my life shed a tear for a man but with him it's different. I was told he had to think about it, that he might try but there's no absolute guarantee. I think there's some hope left because he didn't said no nor deleted me on his facebook. He also stated that if he had caught me that day (if he were to not have forgotten the copies of the keys) then he wouldn't even want to see my face. Then came the hard part when we were talking on the phone about 20 minutes ago and his voice was shaky as if he was on the verge of crying. At this point he told me (this time it seem like he was trembling) he'll think about it and hanged up. I tried calling him 3 more times afterwards and he's not answering. What now? What should I do to make him feel better? Any way I can turn that Maybe answer into a YES?
Author helgaisbroken Posted March 20, 2010 Author Posted March 20, 2010 how long is the healing process? neverending, because he will NEVER forget what you did.So there's no hope for this at all? Is that what you're trying to say?
JustJoe Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 The only thing that can change the "maybe" into a YES, is time and your actions from now on. You realize that you can NEVER be around other men alone, OR lie to your man, don't you?
Bryanp Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Based on what you have written I predict that he will come around and give you a second chance. You will see that I am correct.
spriggig Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Usually, the one betrayed (him) wants to reconcile. He needs a little time to sort this out and get past his jealousy, anger and regret. He is going to ask himself "why?" and, depending on his personality might blame himself for a time. Then he'll be angry at you and the other man. Then, assuming he loves you as much as you seem to love him, he might find a way to get past this and come back to you. You did the right thing in telling him. This would have destroyed your relationship from the inside out if you had tried to hide it. I think your best bet is to back off now and give him some space.
LakesideDream Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Helga, Why don't you just tell him "you need space" and that you are "confused" . Tell him that some "alone time" will help you get your head together. Then stay with friends or family until you can find an apartment of your own, move in and start it all over again. Find a new male meal ticket / Sucker. Maybe you can increase you time interval to 6-7 even 10 or 15 years before walking away again. Remember what you accomplish in this life may be good experiance for the next.
Meatballsmom Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 From a woman's point of view. Women do talk about their sex lives with each other, and most men have no idea what their wives have to say about their husbands. Sorry to bust your bubble men. Most wives and GF's have faked orgasms with you more than once. Your are not the biggest and the best they have ever had. Motion of the ocean is nice, but there are times size matters. But you never hear this because they do love you and do not want to hurt your feelings. There are somethings better left unsaid. Sorry Helga, your honesty has probably ruined you relationship. If he does work through it, it will be years before he totally trusts you again. Chances are that there will always be a little doubt in the back of his mind.
lkjh Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 From a woman's point of view. Women do talk about their sex lives with each other, and most men have no idea what their wives have to say about their husbands. Sorry to bust your bubble men. Most wives and GF's have faked orgasms with you more than once. Your are not the biggest and the best they have ever had. Motion of the ocean is nice, but there are times size matters. But you never hear this because they do love you and do not want to hurt your feelings. There are somethings better left unsaid. Sorry Helga, your honesty has probably ruined you relationship. If he does work through it, it will be years before he totally trusts you again. Chances are that there will always be a little doubt in the back of his mind. There is literally no point to this posters advice. It sounds like a bad version of a country song Helga, I jus wanted to say that although I think your act was horrible people do make mistakes. I have a lot of respect for you considering the fact that you didn't try an lie your way out of this. Lying would have just destroyed your self-respect. Lying would have hurt you a little bit at a time. I am sorry you made the mistake in the first place but at least you can learn from this. If it doesn't work out with your bf, you will learn to be a stronger person. You now know to keep guy "friends" at a distance. Congrats on doing the right thing and confessing
Dexter Morgan Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 So there's no hope for this at all? Is that what you're trying to say? pretty much. oh he can forgive you, and there may come a time when he doesn't bring it up anymore...but make no mistake, it is still in his mind from time to time and he has to carry the scar of what you did.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Even after everything was explained in the letter, he kept asking why to the point I started crying and said I don't know, I don't know. bulls##t, you know, you just didn't want to tell him. you did it because you wanted to do it, you were attracted to the guy and wanted him. simple as that. I tried calling him 3 more times afterwards and he's not answering. What now? What should I do to make him feel better? nothing, you leave him alone. if he doesn't want to talk to you he doesn't want to talk to you. you let him decide if he wants to communicate with you.
FryFish Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Good Job Helga... You are a better person than a few of the posters here. What you did was hard, but the hardest part is still in the future. If you want it to work with your BF now you have to be COMPLETELY honest about everything with him. Seriously, not a single lie. You will also have to be completely open with him, that means tell him EVERYTHING you are doing, EVERYWHERE you are going and EVERYONE who will be in proximity with you. He will want to look at your email and phone at random times as well. After a good long while of keeping you on a very short leash he will slowly begin to regain trust in you. It will never be back to 100% but it might get close some day. All this is assuming he doesnt walk, but like another poster predicted, I think you WILL get another chance. The relationship isnt going to be fun like it used to be for a very long time. And helga, even though you ****ed up it does not in any way mean that he gets a "free pass" so to speak. If he suggests that he wants a revenge cheat then the relationship is completely doomed and you may as well start getting over him and TRY to learn from this mistake.
Author helgaisbroken Posted March 22, 2010 Author Posted March 22, 2010 The only thing that can change the "maybe" into a YES, is time and your actions from now on. You realize that you can NEVER be around other men alone, OR lie to your man, don't you?I'll do whatever it takes for this to work out. He still hasn't deleted me from facebook and the status is the same. At last we finally got to talk on the phone about everything that happened and why I would do something like that. He said he needed some time and he'll think about it. I thin he'll come around but yes there would be so much to work on. I would start out by giving out my email and password if he gives me another chance.
Author helgaisbroken Posted March 22, 2010 Author Posted March 22, 2010 (edited) bulls##t, you know, you just didn't want to tell him. you did it because you wanted to do it, you were attracted to the guy and wanted him. simple as that. nothing, you leave him alone. if he doesn't want to talk to you he doesn't want to talk to you. you let him decide if he wants to communicate with you.Wow... you're the most negative person I ever heard of. I'm wondering if you got burned badly in the past? If so it's understandable but you don't have to add bitterness to my answers nor downplay them. I'm dealing with this as best as I can. It is true that at the moment (besides being intoxicated), I didn't know what exactly led to my cheating. Believe in what you want to believe but you have no idea because you're not me. Edited March 22, 2010 by helgaisbroken
2sunny Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 I'll do whatever it takes for this to work out. He still hasn't deleted me from facebook and the status is the same. At last we finally got to talk on the phone about everything that happened and why I would do something like that. He said he needed some time and he'll think about it. I thin he'll come around but yes there would be so much to work on. I would start out by giving out my email and password if he gives me another chance. that's a start - but there is so much more than that if this is to be mended. your actions and words need to match to total honesty for a long period of time for him to even begin to think he MAY try to trust again. complete transparency as he will be wondering about trusting you with every thought. it's hard to overcome - but it is possible if you're both honest and willing.
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