unsureLP Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Another huge fight. I am SO tired of this. I'm way past my breaking point, but I keep going because of our daughter, and because of what we used to have. But how much longer can I keep this up? I'm sad, angry, tired, lost, everything at once. I'm booking IC for next week or the following. I need to get some help for myself. Am I really an insensitive, opinionated, hurtful b**** like he tells me I am? I tried so hard to be careful about how I word things, what I say to him, my tone of voice, etc. It still gets to him somehow. There's got to be something else in there that I'm not seeing. I'm sorry if I keep coming here for support. So many of you had/have so much more to deal with, I don't even feel like my marriage problems are worth discussing on here.
LisaUk Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Hi Unsure Please don't feel like you can't post here for support, problems are relative to each any everyone of us and your problems and need for support are no less or greater than anyone else here, pain is pain. I have to say I applaude you for trying to resolve your marital conflicts, so many of us here weren't given that opportunity by spouse/partners and we also see a lot of people come here for support when they want to walk without trying, it is so refreshing to know that not everyone just walks away and that there are people who will do everything they can to try. Does your H actually say these things to you? Does he actually call you an insensitive b****h? If so is this said in anger or at other times? The fact is you guys are in counselling, surely he realises from what you express and discuss there that you do love him and only have the best of intentions for him? I noticed your post (I think it was you) saying he had asked you not to say certain things during counselling? What did you decide to do? Hang in there hun, it will all be worth it if the two of you can get back what you had. Keep posting.
trippi1432 Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Unsure, it appears that your husband is depressed...I have seen this in cultural differences just in my company alone. Your husband has become resentful and hateful...been there, done that. I feel that he has a problem with fitting in...could this be an issue? In my company, we had one contractor who went back to India for 3 weeks, just to get "reculterized". The fact is, he is not going to bend to becoming Americanized, so you HAVE to find some middle ground. Find a "harmony" between your differences and remember why you fell in love in the first place.
Gunny376 Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Another huge fight. I am SO tired of this. I'm way past my breaking point, but I keep going because of our daughter, and because of what we used to have. But how much longer can I keep this up? I'm sad, angry, tired, lost, everything at once. I'm booking IC for next week or the following. I need to get some help for myself. Am I really an insensitive, opinionated, hurtful b**** like he tells me I am? I tried so hard to be careful about how I word things, what I say to him, my tone of voice, etc. It still gets to him somehow. There's got to be something else in there that I'm not seeing. I'm sorry if I keep coming here for support. So many of you had/have so much more to deal with, I don't even feel like my marriage problems are worth discussing on here. I'm booking IC for next week or the following. I need to get some help for myself. Good for you! Follow through with it!
Gunny376 Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Another huge fight. I am SO tired of this. I'm way past my breaking point, but I keep going because of our daughter, and because of what we used to have. But how much longer can I keep this up? I'm sad, angry, tired, lost, everything at once. I'm booking IC for next week or the following. I need to get some help for myself. Am I really an insensitive, opinionated, hurtful b**** like he tells me I am? I tried so hard to be careful about how I word things, what I say to him, my tone of voice, etc. It still gets to him somehow. There's got to be something else in there that I'm not seeing. I'm sorry if I keep coming here for support. So many of you had/have so much more to deal with, I don't even feel like my marriage problems are worth discussing on here. No your a normal human being going through "Crazytime!" Keep posting until you get 80+ post and you and I can PM!
lkjh Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 actually by coming here you are probably helping other people as well
Author unsureLP Posted March 22, 2010 Author Posted March 22, 2010 [i'm back from a pretty good weekend with H. We talked a lot. I want to respond to everyone before giving you an update. I have to say I applaude you for trying to resolve your marital conflicts, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try my hardest and then some. Does your H actually say these things to you? Does he actually call you an insensitive b****h? If so is this said in anger or at other times? I noticed your post (I think it was you) saying he had asked you not to say certain things during counselling? What did you decide to do? He does say them but only in anger, usually when he loses control of his emotions. He also says things that he knows will scare me like "I'm leaving the country and taking our daughter with me" or "If I leave I never want to see her again." I know he doesn't mean these things, but it hurts and scares me anyway. And yes, I did bring up those issues with the counselor. H actually didn't react as badly as I thought he would. Keep posting. thank you Unsure, it appears that your husband is depressed...I have seen this in cultural differences just in my company alone. Your husband has become resentful and hateful...been there, done that. I feel that he has a problem with fitting in...could this be an issue? Find a "harmony" between your differences and remember why you fell in love in the first place. You're exactly right. He's been depressed ever since he left Uni (a pretty international place) and started working with mostly Americans where he feels discriminated against (sometimes) and lonely since no one kind of understands him. It also kills his self-confidence when he can't fit in, he sees it as a sign of failure on his part. No your a normal human being going through "Crazytime!" Keep posting until you get 80+ post and you and I can PM! It really feels like some sort of "crazytime" actually by coming here you are probably helping other people as well I hope so... So an update on this weekend: We decided to create our own version of a marriage builder weekend. We got a babysitter for during the day and spent all day, both days, alone walking in the park or having lunch in an outside cafe (it helped that the weather was so nice). We read about relationships and discussed our marriage based on what we were reading. We actually made progress, I think. We're both going to try and empathize with the other more, see things the way the other one does. He promised to try and control his anger at least to the point where we can discuss things without him reverting to yelling. Most importantly we renewed our commitment to make this work. I feel very hopeful that we will. There are no infidelity issues, no physical violence towards each other, and we both want very much to work out the issues. So, I'm hoping... Thank you all for your support.
Gunny376 Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Me thinks you and he might have a chance, if he's willing to learn and adapt and overcome. (I know that's not college level English) Both of you should read, "How To Win Back The One You Love" by Eric Weber. Its much to do about communication, how to argue constructively, indeed in the first chapter it goes on about opening an on-going dialog between the two. Its about quiting ignoring the 900 pound gorilla in the room. Its about getting all of the fears, the doubts, out in the open. Gerry Rafferity put it best, Right Down the Line - Gerry Rafferty You know I need your love, You've got that hold over me. Long as I've got your love, You know that I'll never leave. When I wanted you to share my life I had no doubt in my mind. And it's been you, woman, Right down the line. I know how much I lean on you, Only you can see. The changes that I've been through, Have left their mark on me. You've been as constant as the Northern star, The brightest light that shines. It's been you, woman, Right down the line. CHORUS: I just want to say, this is my way Of telling you everything, I could never say before. Yeah, this is my way Of telling you that everyday I'm loving you, so much more. 'Cause you believed in me, Thru my darkest night. Put something better inside of me, You brought me into the light. Threw away all those crazy dreams, I put them all behind. And it was you, woman, Right down the line. CHORUS If I should doubt myself, If I'm losing ground. I won't turn to someone else, They'd only let me down. When I wanted you to share my life I had no doubt in my mind. And it's been you, woman, Right down the line. Whooo...ooo... I would also suggest you read, "Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus" as a foundation to reading Dr. Gray's "When Mars and Venus Collide" That is learning how to disagree and argue constructively, You did right in going on your own "MarriageBuilders" weekend, you need to schedule and budget for doing so once each three months. To that end? You should read "Light His Fire" and he "Light Her Fire" but make sure that he doesn't read your book, and you his! Once having read those books you should be giddily. But since you've got children together? You both need to read, "How Can We Light A Fire When The Children Are Drving Us Crazy"
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