Steadfast Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 ...Monday night. It was a very realistic dream and I must say it affected me emotionally and brought some old, buried feelings back to the surface. Typical dream, the circumstances were foggy. I was at some sort of public function in familiar surroundings and my ex was there; clearly, sitting at a table beside a man. She was tired, or stressed, or something similar and leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder. Then I woke up. Coffee and crackers at 3:30 am, and a couple of funny youtube vids later I showered, got dressed and went to work. The feelings stayed with me. It's been two years, and although it doesn't happen often, when it does it pretty much wrecks me for a day or two. I saw her Saturday for the first time since the holidays. She came to the house to pick up the kids for an overnight stay at her sister's. She approached (that's when I noticed she's gotten heavier) and saying hello and goodbye, hugged me and said I smelled good. I had a date later, and left shortly after they did. I can say -honestly- that seeing her had no real effect on me; I felt nothing really. The spark, pull, draw or even the melancholy feelings of the past were not present. I had a great time on my date, and an even better Sunday. It's been two years, but obviously, deep down, I guess I'm still not quite myself. I know I usually post with comments, but this one is to illustrate that even under the best of circumstances, separation and divorce is a process. A lengthy process. I'm good now. It's good to love and be loved.
LisaUk Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Thanks for sharing that Steadfast. I think maybe our minds dream of recent things, things on our mind. Seing your ex for the first time in a while probably played a part and I think maybe like Gunny says, it's no so much that we get over this, as we learn to live with it? It was bound to hurt, you loved her, it would be weirder if it hadn't right?
spriggig Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 It was bound to hurt, you loved her, it would be weirder if it hadn't right? Hadn't thought of that. Yeah, it would be a little scary if it DIDN'T hurt.
Gunny376 Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 I really don't know where people get this notion that "Wham! Bam! Thank You, Ma'am" that as soon as the ink is dried on the dotted line of the divorce papers that you're just suppose to walk away and feel nothing, remember nothing, think of nothing when it comes to the ex. The X that you once at least held the promise of such a promising future, that we've invested so much time, effort, energy, money of our very-selves. The one that for many of us shared some of the best years of our youth and lives with? Had and have parented children with? I mean WTF. I think and have thought of the XWife, and my children, and all of the other people that I have loved, (parents, grandparents, dear friends) and who have had a influence on and in my life, for the most part of my life since they long longer became a part of my life. There are days when your going to be perfectly fine with it. And then there are going to be days when all is right with the world, the sun is shining, the blue birds are singing. Then out of no where you suddenly find yourself in a liquor store telling the clerk, "Just give me two fifths of anything, I really don't give a damn." The real trick is take, accept full responsibility for yourself, your life, your happiness, your successes and for your failures and to not to attempt to live your through someone nor for someone else. There's only one person and one person whose happiness your responsible for? And that my Friend is yourself. My own personal beliefs is that this World is nothing more than a classroom, and that we're not physical beings having a spiritual experience. but spiritual beings having a physical experience, and that the reason we come to the planet is to learn, and the lesson is true, complete, and unconditional love for one another and each other. (Sidebar ~ mathematically and in physics a 10 dimensional being could walk through 3 dimensional solid objects. Source Discovery magazine. A former atheist PhD physicist attempting to complete Einstein Theory of Relativity ~ and a major theoretician in the field of global general relativity in the rarefied branch of physics by Stephen Hawking and Roger Penrose using the most advance and sophisticated methods of moder physics and mathematics prove using Omega Point Theory created a proof of end time theory, the existence of God, and that every human being who ever lived will be resurrected from the dead. Source: "The Physics of Immortality" by Frank J. Tippler My point in posting this is to get you to think outside of the box, of things greater than yourself, larger than yourself. That the pain and suffering that you've gone through is not personal and of an individual nature. But the accumulative effect of others that you may have never meet. Think of the serendipitous effect that you as an idividual have on another, and another, and another, and another that you may not even know? And they you? In the end? She's a part of you and you a part of her. And from the first time that you were joined, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally ~ you were forevrmore joined together. (Sorry for going off on the different tangents?)
2.50 a gallon Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 It has been 30 years since I broke up with the XW. She has long been out of my life. But every couple of years I will have a dream about her. The last time was about 18 months ago. Also, over the Christmas holidays, as I drove past the apartment complex where we met, an oldy on the radio triggered me into remembering our first Christmas together there. It is just a part of life.
Gunny376 Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 It has been 30 years since I broke up with the XW. She has long been out of my life. But every couple of years I will have a dream about her. The last time was about 18 months ago. Also, over the Christmas holidays, as I drove past the apartment complex where we met, an oldy on the radio triggered me into remembering our first Christmas together there. It is just a part of life. You said more in fewer words than I.
Author Steadfast Posted March 19, 2010 Author Posted March 19, 2010 What stands out about these dreams are the feelings they invoke after. What I'm trying to say is, -yes Lisa- we don't 'get over it' as much as we learn to live with it. We're vulnerable when sleeping; At least I am. But, things have progressed to the point where I don't feel the guilt of failure like I once did. It's old news in our circles yet I continue to run across those I haven't spoken with in some time, and again, have to deal with their shock and questions. I hear them out, but only respond with 'Yes, it's a shame.' Lisa, Gallon, Gunny; all, thanks for the heartfelt responses. Someday, I'll need to hear about her plans for marriage, or a live in, and it'll probably be another challenge. Then again, she may feel the same hearing about me. For me, freedom and healing came only when I accepted the fact that she doesn't love me. The crazy thing? She does. Now, I know that. She's shown it, said it, acted it out. But, whatever keeps her -kept her- from taking the steps to invest again remain. The difference is, I'm not around to keep score. I have left the building. I had to. But, this I have learned more than anything. I did profoundly love her.
PWSX3 Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 It has been 30 years since I broke up with the XW. She has long been out of my life. But every couple of years I will have a dream about her. This is depressing news because I've had dreams of my former wife & it's only been two years since she moved out. I don't like it when I have those dreams because it makes me feel guilty that maybe I didn't fight hard enough for our marriage. Hopefully like you say; they won't mean as much or just be a dream & that's it someday.
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