LDR and breaking up

[kbh]

Hey everyone,

 

I was recently in a long distance relationship since June. Very long distance, him from Europe me from California. Last winter, around November he started acting weird, not talking to me/returning emails or ever going online to talk. Eventually we did end up talking and he said that the relationship was just too hard for him, that when he's upset or sad that he needs someone there and since I live on the other side of the world it couldn't be me. At that time I already had a plane ticket to see him for 2 weeks for New Years, so we decided to keep things going and just see where our feelings were after I was there. During the time I was there everything was fantastic and when the time came to talk about what we were going to do, he didn't want to let me go anymore and keep things as they had been.

At this time (while I was still there), we decided that it would be good for him to come visit me 3 weeks later since he would have time off from school. We were both over the moon knowing that we would see each other again so soon and that he would be coming to America for his first time ever. Let me also mention that I paid for his plane ticket (stupidly).

We had a great time while he was here. Great doesn't even describe it, it was the most fun I'd have living here ever. Just having someone you love be with you makes everything a million times better.

 

He left after two weeks and when he got home things were still good. 3 weeks after he got home he starts acting funny again. Not answering my emails or calls and not going online to talk. Finally I get an email from him saying that "we need to talk". Obviously not good. When we do talk he says the same thing as before.... that it's too hard for him and that he needs someone there all the time, not just some. This floored me. I don't want to think the worst of him because I really trusted him and never thought of him as a bad person, but 3 weeks after he leaves here? After I pay for his trip to America??

 

So anyways, I bow out as gracefully as possible and hadn't contacted him. after 4 days he emails me with this: Hi. I know what happened a couple of days ago was really weird but I just want to know how you are.

 

I didn't respond. Two days later I get this email: At least let me know you're alive... I didnt mean to hurt you poopie (one of our pet names for eachother, weird I know)

 

I still didn't respond. Then I get this email the same day: At least let me know if you got the photos cause I'm deleting the torrent.

 

The next morning I respond with: Hi. I got the torrent, you can delete the file. What happened the other day wasn't weird, it was just very unexpected. I'm doing fine. How can you say you didn't mean to hurt me? What did you think was going to happen? it doesn't matter. It's over with .

 

Then he responds with: thanks for answering. Ive deleted the file. I know it was unexpected. Even for me somehow... I knew I would hurt you, I just wanted to hurt you the least I could. Hope you'll get good soon

 

I don't know what to make of the whole situation. I'm hurt, obviously, but him emailing me has played with my head. Do I just leave it at that? Was I played this whole time?

 

Thanks

[ohwhyme]

Hello. I was in a LDR as well. It's a lot harder than a normal relationship heh. I was dumped as well except this is the second time. Told her not to talk to me again etc. Are you looking to get back with him? Honestly, I think its probably a good idea to just ignore him as you are just feeding his ego by responding. He probably thinks he can have you whenever he wants or you care enough to reply to him. When I got those sort of messages it just messes with your head. They try harder to reach to you and eventually call you etc. Either that or he's truly being sorry and wants to be your friend. Let me know if you want to talk. You could PM me if I was in a relationship for 2.5 years in a ldr and it ended badly.

[sigurpol]

For a moment there, your post blew my mind.

 

Only because, I just read on here an almost exact situation with a guy who was from Europe, and LDRing with someone in California. Haha, I was like, "Oh no!". But, it's not the same person, haha.

 

I'd be pretty angry too, so I can't blame you at all there. It seems like he waits till the last moment to bring everything up, rather than bring it up AS it comes up. That can prevent bull**** like this from happening.

 

I feel like his reasoning was murky at best, but at the same time, I feel like a lot of people who I talk to who are in LDR's go through this thing (and I have myself). Because it's easier to avoid "talks" when you're far away.

 

Him getting back in contact makes me feel like he wants to clear being guilty, and doesn't enjoy being the "bad guy". He kept at it until you answered him. And I have to say, his remark about "I knew I would hurt you"?... Come on now. You mean to tell me you knew this would happen, and didn't lift a finger to do anything about it? Piss poor excuse.

 

As far as what to do next, and I strongly believe in this,

 

My philosophy is say what ever the hell you want to say, as long as it helps you mow it over and get if off your chest. Don't say what you want, in the sense that you want to fix things, because I personally wouldn't. Because in LDR's, at this point, that's really all you can do.

 

Chin up :-)

Edited March 18, 2010 by sigurpol

[kbh]

For a moment there, your post blew my mind.

 

Only because, I just read on here an almost exact situation with a guy who was from Europe, and LDRing with someone in California. Haha, I was like, "Oh no!". But, it's not the same person, haha.

 

Hahaha yeah sorry. I wasn't sure how often people in the breakup/LDR forums looked at both so I just posted it twice. Sorry to confuse

 

 

Him getting back in contact makes me feel like he wants to clear being guilty, and doesn't enjoy being the "bad guy". He kept at it until you answered him. And I have to say, his remark about "I knew I would hurt you"?... Come on now. You mean to tell me you knew this would happen, and didn't lift a finger to do anything about it? Piss poor excuse.

 

I've heard that a lot. That he feels guilty. To be honest I don't know why emailing me would make the guilt go away. Wouldn't it make him feel more guilty because he has to know that it's playing with my head. I know it's pathetic, but when he emailed me I had hopes that it was because he had made a mistake and realized it, and was trying to get me back. Obviously I was wrong. Regardless, his guilt drove him to message me?? What did he want me to say to make him feel better?

[sigurpol]

I've heard that a lot. That he feels guilty. To be honest I don't know why emailing me would make the guilt go away. Wouldn't it make him feel more guilty because he has to know that it's playing with my head. I know it's pathetic, but when he emailed me I had hopes that it was because he had made a mistake and realized it, and was trying to get me back. Obviously I was wrong. Regardless, his guilt drove him to message me?? What did he want me to say to make him feel better?

 

Mmm, not always! Sometimes people don't take into consideration the kind of effect they're putting on someone when they stay in touch like that. Saying anything is better than saying nothing (to him, at least). Looking at it at your angle, or anyone elses, it doesn't make as much sense as it does to someone at his point of view.

 

And, to be honest, I've done the same thing. I was talking to a girl for MONTHS, only to change my mind, avoid talks, until it blew up in my face. Couple days would go by, and what would I do? Call her to say hi. Really selfish on my part, but it didn't occur to me what I was doing until later.

 

You having hopes, and the "here it is!" feeling when he gets back in touch with you.. that's natural, not pathetic. I feel that's why, in my case, that girl kept answering her phone or answering me... in hopes that things would be different.

 

What he wants you to say? More or less of what I said earlier, he just wants you to respond. And he even pulled out pet names to stimulate it. Don't feel like you "lost" by responding, but it sort of contradicts what I said earlier, to an extent:

 

Say whatever it is you want to say, if that helps you at all.

[sigurpol]

Any update? I'm kinda curious how this turned out!