How to make him understand I don't owe him anything?

[LosingBattle]

My boyfriend (ex, now) has problems with my past. Mainly because 6 years ago, I gave half a BJ to a friend with benefits I had back then. Ironically, this former friend introduced me to my boyfriend 4 years ago.

 

Back when I gave that guy the BJ, I liked him a lot. I was 15 and naive, and it's not a cop out, but at that age I didn't realize such a thing would haunt me later on in life. I also did other things (non sexual) that make my boyfriend go nuts. For instance, I hooked up with two random guys at some parties, no sex, just kissing, but I hooked up with them due to low self esteem and cause I thought they were attractive. He also gets pissed that once I needed to go to a thing at school and I was late, and there were no cabs in sight, and a young man who drove by asked me if I needed a ride somewhere and I told him I needed to go to school and he drove me (we didn't speak during the drive, he was very polite and respectful, he just drove me to school). He says all of that makes me a slut.

 

The problem is we had already fallen in love when he found out about all this. Which made it hard to just break up. He felt so betrayed. He says especially 'cause he thought I was different from other girls and because I'm the first girl he's ever loved. He has been cheated on in the past. Twice, different girls. I didn't know this until we had already started fighting. It explains why he's so sensitive to lying and a girl being pure and stuff.

 

He's told me before that he wants to cheat on me to get even because of what I've done, he says that me having been sexually involved with a mutual friend makes it all harder. Even though I haven't cheated on him, he says he feels I have. I think these issues he has with my past trigger the emotions he felt when he was cheated on before. He says it's not like that, he's a psychologist, and he says that those emotions have nothing to do with our problems, that he's over that, that the way I've betrayed him is something entirely different. I disagree, but then again I'm no psychologist.

 

Today he started demanding I tell him everything about what happened with the former mutual friend. I said it was such a long time ago, that I didn't remember EVERYTHING. I've told him the basic things that happened: the BJ, the kissing, how many times we hooked up, etc. But I don't remember each and every detail like he expects me to: what did he say in that moment, what did I say in this moment, where did he place his hands, etc, etc. He said he wanted the three of us to talk, that he wants to ask my ex mutual friend what happened as to verify that I'm saying the truth, and that if something new (such as a detail) comes to light, that it'll confirm I'm a liar and that I don't love him and just wanted to fool him, that I prefer my former friend, etc. Now he's obsessed with what I told him, that I don't remember every detail. Now when I call him to try to solve things the first thing he asks me is what are the things I don't remember, and he says unless I tell him EVERYTHING we can't work things out.

 

How can I make him see that I don't owe him anything? I mean, I've been a faithful girlfriend. Maybe not completely honest, but he hasn't been completely honest either. I have always been there, I have done my best to always satisfy him sexually, I'm always loving with him, I always try to surprise him, I give him his space, etc. I resent him for being so ungrateful and just focusing on the past! I lost a great friend because of him... yes, I had a sexual interaction with that friend, and it was something I regret, but he was a GREAT friend of mine, I really cared for him and we had something much deeper than having been friends with benefits, I hurt him a lot too when I told him we couldn't be friends anymore because of my boyfriend, because we had been best friends for YEARS, I don't want him sexually or romantically, but I do miss the friendship (of course I can't tell this to my boyfriend or he'll go throught the roof!). I made that big sacrifice, yet all he can focus is I put someone elses' penis in my mouth for like 10 seconds, six years ago. Somehow that makes me unworthy of his love, that makes me a crappy girlfriend.

 

I don't know how to break into his rational mind and make him see I don't OWE HIM ANYTHING! He frustrates me so much, I love him but it seems it's not enough!

[Star Gazer]

Wow. I can't believe this guy! You've done nothing wrong. You haven't betrayed him. You're not a slut.

 

But you do owe him something: a swift kick in the arse out the door!

[LosingBattle]

Now I asked him why he has a right to privacy whereas I don't? Why can't I see his web history if porn is an issue with me? Why can't I have ALL the gory details of sex with his ex, they lost their virginity to each other, whereas I was just the second one in his list while he was my first?

 

He says it's because what I did was much worse, because I lied about being with a guy he knew. That I don't know his exes, so it's different. And that having an issue with porn is stupid and not as awful as having sucked another guy's penis. But I WAS SINGLE then! I mean if my ex friend willingly introduced me to a guy who could become more, that surely means whatever had happened between us was over right?

 

He frustrates me so much!!!! I'm desperate, I hate that I've had to tell him everything because it bothers him that I wasn't honest enough in the beginning and that I need to tell him everything to prove he can trust me again, yet he can have ALL his privacy intact! I hate him for that, I resent him, I hate that he's so unfair.

[lordWilhelm]

Wait, this guy is your EX!

 

Go no contact (absolutely no contact, no email, no phone calls, no facebook, no text messaging, nothing at all). You don't owe him an explanation for what happened in the past before you were exclusive, and you don't even owe him a reply for inquiring the weather. He sounds possessive and controlling, and you should count yourself lucky you dodged a bullet with this one.

[lordWilhelm]

Now I asked him why he has a right to privacy whereas I don't? Why can't I see his web history if porn is an issue with me? Why can't I have ALL the gory details of sex with his ex, they lost their virginity to each other, whereas I was just the second one in his list while he was my first?

 

There's no point in getting into technical arguments with him, and trying to change his mind is never going to work. It's a mistake, don't do it.

 

The best way is to get him out of your life completely by not having any contact with him.

 

Good luck.

[SarahRose]

Here is a hint for you young girls. Never ever share your sexual history with someone you are dating unless you have some non curable sexually transmitted disease.

 

Guy's ego are so frail they want to think they are the only one you've ever done anything with.

 

Sure they may ask but don't share this info as they will hold it against you. They just do.

 

So tell this f tard to leave you alone and learn the lesson of keeping your mouth shut.

[LosingBattle]

Here is a hint for you young girls. Never ever share your sexual history with someone you are dating unless you have some non curable sexually transmitted disease.

 

Guy's ego are so frail they want to think they are the only one you've ever done anything with.

 

Sure they may ask but don't share this info as they will hold it against you. They just do.

 

So tell this f tard to leave you alone and learn the lesson of keeping your mouth shut.

 

But what about honesty? I didn't tell him for six months, he asked, I told him and he accused me of not being honest. Should I just lie to all boyfriends I may have? Isn't honesty the best policy? That's what I've always been told.

[reservoirdog1]

If you're still with him, you don't owe him shyt. Your past -- such as it is! -- is your past, and it has nothing to do with him.

 

Okay, maybe you should've told him that the guy you briefly went down on was somebody you both knew. Maybe not. But really, who gives a damn? It was YEARS ago, before you even met him! Again, you don't owe him an explanation or an apology. And that "it feels like you cheated on him" crap... Jesus. What a whiny little bitch he's being.

 

Personally, I think he wants you to give him a license to bang some other girl, by making it out that you did something wrong. Look what he's accomplished so far -- he's made you feel bad about something that's fundamentally none of his damned business.

 

And if you're NOT still with him (you called him "ex" at the beginning of your post, but the rest of the post suggests you're still with him, so I'm a bit confused), then tell him to go piss up a rope and leave you alone. Let him inflict his sorry neuroses on somebody else.

[Dark-Farmer]

Wow what a huge douche. You do not need to explain anything at all. What a crazy, never talk to this man again. You did nothing wrong. And him wanting to "cheat on you to get even" is absolute bull.

 

What kind psychologist is he? should he reconize his own behavior as "psychotic"

[reservoirdog1]

But what about honesty? I didn't tell him for six months, he asked, I told him and he accused me of not being honest. Should I just lie to all boyfriends I may have? Isn't honesty the best policy? That's what I've always been told.

 

"Honesty" means "not lying to somebody". You simply didn't mention it. NOT the same thing.

 

Honesty may be the best policy, but that doesn't mean you owe every guy you date a recounting of your sexual history. Try to imagine your future dating life, ten years out. "Hey, nice to meet you, I'm LosingBattle. So, to start off: I've been with X guys, in X positions, etc."

 

Your sexual history is yours, and yours alone. As long as you're STD-free, that's all the information you need to volunteer (and be honest about) up front. The rest, you can leave for responses to their questions.

[LosingBattle]

The thing is, we broke up, but we've broken up many times before, and it was just a couple hours or so ago... and he's been calling me telling me we can be together if I tell him everything, etc, etc. Sometimes, a few days later, he's not mad anymore and he'll come back. I just love him with all my heart and wish that he wasn't so obsessed with the past. That's why I keep taking him back

 

I haven't done anything wrong, and I give him all my love, so why do I deserve this crap? :( But I want him, no one else.

[reservoirdog1]

I haven't done anything wrong, and I give him all my love, so why do I deserve this crap?

You don't. For a psychologist, he's pretty clueless. And a bit of a head case.

[lkjh]

Im pretty sure last time you were here I was hard on you for lying about hooking up with the other guy.

 

But, now looking at it your bf is insecure and controlling. Just dump him once in for all and regain your self-confidence

[JustLooking123]

"Half a blowjob"? How's that work??

[txsilkysmoothe]

"Half a blowjob"? How's that work??

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

[lino]

This guy is being very unreasonable IMO. If you continue things with him I reckon he'll keep trying to control you by putting you down needlessly.

It's up to you if you want to be with someone like that...

 

 

I'd also like to know how a half blowjob works

[Madewell]

My boyfriend (ex, now) has problems with my past. Mainly because 6 years ago, I gave half a BJ to a friend with benefits I had back then. Ironically, this former friend introduced me to my boyfriend 4 years ago.

 

If you don't think you owe him anything (which I agree, you don't), that basically means you don't explain or try to rationalize to him.

 

Get over your desire to be right and have him see things your way, from your point of view.

 

Show him that you don't owe him anything by not trying to persuade him to seeing it your way.

[jnj express]

What do you mean your BF or X is a psychologist---he's no psychologist----a practicing psychologist would know everyone has a past, and what you did B4 you met this idiot has nothing to do with anything, unless it shows a pattern, used in medical or mental diagnosis.

 

Tell this crazy you are with, life for the 2 of you started when you met----That's it---he is entitled to nothing more. If he can't handle that, then get away from him as fast as your legs can run.

[ADF]

Your boyfriend is an immature, idiotic control freak. Get away, far away.

[linwood]

Dump this controlling moron now.

 

You`re life will be hell if you don`t.

[rosewithtaints]

I am experiencing almost simliar situation with you right now. But im far worse. my sexual past was all messed and ****ed up. and i truly regret it right now because it is ever haunting me, thanks to my boyfriend's constant reminder. he behaved exactly like your boyfriend, making statements like he has the right to cheat and i should count myself lucky enough for him to want to be with me. he even made sarcasstic remarks like how im worthless, dumb, individual with no self worth. everytime out of the blue, he will suddenly be reminded of my past and starts to distance himself from me. he said im disgusting and wants me to get out of his sight asap. i gave in and accepted whatever he said. because i love him so much. i did everything i could, give him surprises, be nice to him, and just about everything that you did to please him. yet he remains unchanged. he said he will try to not to think about it, but it seems like the frequency increase and the remarks grew more and more aggressive. i was deeply hurt by someone who i have love so deep. he said he will never get over my past. hence, now im just staying on because i love him so much and so deep that i cannot bear to part with him. i do not have the courage to break it off.

[stace79]

If you haven't already, break up with him. Immediately. He sounds like a lunatic. He feels like you cheated on him and wants to cheat on you because you had a sexual past before him? That is absolutely ludicrous, and you're right: you owe him NOTHING.

 

You cannot make him accept that and you cannot make him stop being a psycho lunatic. You CAN however choose to end this before it gets worse. He sounds like the kind of guy that would be controlling, abusive and potentially violent!

[julitasoup]

Get rid of him. He is a jealous control freak and this trait will likely not go away. Also, something to remember: sharing your past is not necessary unless you have herpes or another STD. Otherwise, it just becomes a numbers game and is none of his business. People have some pretty odd ideas about what makes a bad person and unfortunately, sexual numbers and histories rank high on the list. It's private and you needn't share that information with anyone.

[malala7]

Oh God, talk about CRAZY. Your boyfriend or ex needs serious help. He is insecure, paranoid, dominant, and just plain abusive. He reminds me of my ex. Always demanding details of things that happened years ago and dwelling on ridiculous subjects. PLEASE do your self a favor and walk the f*ck out of this relationship. The only thing you owe him is a slap in the face.

[GroupFitness]

You need to leave this guy alone and tell him to stick it where the sun don't shine. You are condoning his controling behavior. You are telling him it's ok to treat you like ****. Trust me my dear, this is how the cycle of abuse starts, before you know it, he's beating your a** black and blue and you are still sitting there saying "oh but I love him so much*. Work on your self esteem, dip into your self worth and start realizing that you deserve and are worth more than this nonsense.

 

Who or what you did 6 years ago is none of his business. Your sexual history belongs to you alone and IF you do decide to share and he doesn't like what he hears, then HE needs to break up with you and go find himself the Virgin Mary that he desires. What he absolutely has no right to do is to turn your sexual history into a whip and continuously beat you over the head with it.

 

Your job is not to convince him of anything. A rational mind will not hold the perspective he currently holds, and an irrational mind, is often too far gone to be reasoned with.

 

LOVE YOURSELF enough to see when you're being treated badly, LOVE YOURSELF enough to leave a situation where you are being treated badly. Please!