HeartSavior Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Been with gf (now ex) for a year. I felt things weren't going so well around the last 2-3 months of the relationship...we weren't compatible on our relationship views among other things. It was very bad timing but I started becoming irritable with her a week after her Aunt died of breast cancer. My gf wasn't close to her aunt though, but my gf's Mom was very close to the Aunt and my gf felt awful for her Mom. For the next few weeks I'd get annoyed by alot of things she did and I couldn't help myself. I got mad at her for telling me to make a left turn when I should have made a right. I guess I made her felt hurt that I was withdrawing basically right after her Aunt died. Then a month after the Aunt died, I told her that I don't think we're growing anymore as a couple. She looked very upset/hurt by what I said, then just said 'ok then, thats it' and left. My sister told me that I was a jerk to withdraw and leave her basically when she needed me the most, when her Aunt died and her family is still in the mourning period (in her culture, they mourn for 49 days after someone's death). Was this really a jerk move of me? If so, what can I do now to make up for it?
Twenty-ten Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Yeah it was a jerk move. You knew three months in that you wanted out but stayed a whole year, then her aunt dies and you dump her right in the middle of that? You could have waited a month more. It was very selfish of you. Do nothing, it's done now. If you go back and try to be there for her now she will interpret it as you wanting her back which will only cause her and you more problems down that line. Deal with with the guilt, a good Samaritan act at this point would only benefit you in killing the guilt but not sure what good it would do her.
BB07 Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Yes, probably you were being a jerk and no there isn't much you can do to make up for it, other than say I'm sorry.
TaraMaiden Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 It doesn't matter whether you're a jerk or not. It's done, and there's nothing you can do to remedy it. Leave her alone, and let things be. You can't re-visit the past, and you cannot change what happened. Try - and you'll probably end up shooting yourself in the foot.
Author HeartSavior Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 To clarify, no I didn't know 3 months IN the RS that it wasn't working out. I knew around 2-3 months near the END of the RS... I feel bad that this happened a month after her Aunt's death, but how long should I have waited? What could I have done differently? Just want to know for learning sake I guess.
TaraMaiden Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 No time is a good time to break up with somebody. There's always something going on.... so really, you did it, because you did it and you responded to a need you had then. It might have happened at any other time. It just happened at that time. Your timing was off, sure.... but how do you know what would have been a good time? Just let it go. Hashing and re-hashing everything in your mind just feeds your guilt. Are you glad you broke up? Is there part of you that wants to go back? If not, move on, and stop feeling guilty. You did it. Remorse is fine, guilt is inhibiting.
Twenty-ten Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 To clarify, no I didn't know 3 months IN the RS that it wasn't working out. I knew around 2-3 months near the END of the RS... I feel bad that this happened a month after her Aunt's death, but how long should I have waited? What could I have done differently? Just want to know for learning sake I guess. Oh sorry I missed that I thought I read the the top 3months not that last. And now you say you waited a month, ok that's also not so bad. It's good that you are reflecting on what you did and at least are conscious about it. Don't feel bad then you had to do it, and you did it, there really isn't much more you can do now. If you did wait a month after her aunt died then why do you feel bad about it, what exactly is it that you feel bad about, was she asking you to be there for her emotionally and you refused? What was it?
Author HeartSavior Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 Oh sorry I missed that I thought I read the the top 3months not that last. And now you say you waited a month, ok that's also not so bad. It's good that you are reflecting on what you did and at least are conscious about it. Don't feel bad then you had to do it, and you did it, there really isn't much more you can do now. If you did wait a month after her aunt died then why do you feel bad about it, what exactly is it that you feel bad about, was she asking you to be there for her emotionally and you refused? What was it? Well....a few days after her aunt died it was my birthday....so she sent me a birthday card and said in it 'thank you hun for being there for me during such tough times with my family'...but around that time was when I started withdrawing. Eventhough I didnt leave her until a month after the aunt's death, I withdrew for that whole month before the breakup. I was obviously acting irritiable and I guess she got upset a few times. When she tried getting close to me, perhaps wanting my comfort, I didnt' reciprocate. I guess its bad timing. It just so happens that I fell out of love with her, right after her aunt died.
Tnerforireyeh Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 the real question is, do you care? If you did, you probably wouldn't have dumped her then. Hey, it happens all the time. I dumped a girl on her birthday, which coincided with her favorite holiday, which was also a week after her grandma died. I've been dumped on Christmas, after my mom went in the hospital, all sorts of inconvenient times. I know a woman whose husband divorced her 2 weeks before their first child was due. Breakups happen at inconvenient times.
desertmoon Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Yes, you were a jerk BUT like what others have said, there is never a good time to break up with someone. So move on-get some "sensitivity skills". A similar thing happened to me last month, was going through some difficult family stuff and my then BF (with whom I was in the middle of re-defining our relationship with) was at first, supportive and sympathetic, then he changed his mind and wanted NC! It was, in my opinion, very, very bad timing and quite frankly, selfish and self-absorbed. But in hindsight, it was the best thing for us, because it forced me to do some much needed introspection and the truth is, I was already gone(from the relationship). I just thought I still had a friend that I could have called when I was feeling "needy", but the NC agreement made that a bit difficult !
sally4sara Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Don't beat yourself up about it too much. I mean what, would it be better to pretend you wanted to be in the relationship until someone wasn't dying, losing a job, around a holiday, going through finals etc.? Nah, you'd have just been wasting time for the both of you. Instead, examine the reasons why you grew apart, recognize what hand you had in it, and apply it to your next attempt at a good relationship. Like yelling at someone for trying to help you stay on your route. That makes you sound impatient or perhaps overly sensitive to perceived criticism. Maybe address that a bit rather than carry a bunch of weight over leaving her while she was pitying her mother's loss for someone she wasn't that close to.
georgia girl Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 You know what makes you a bigger jerk? You decided to "withdraw" for awhile to passively aggressively bring about the end of your relationship. Seriously, dude. What are you? Thirteen??? You couldn't put your big boy pants on and end the relationship by having a difficult conversation? You just decided to "withdraw" until it became inevitable that you'd break up? Do you know how much uncertainty you put her through while you were doing your wax and wane routine? And at a time in her life that she least needed it? Sure, your timing sucked but take a look in the mirror. You're "that guy." The ones women talk about long after the breakup and usually not because we miss you. Leave her alone. She's in awful time in her life personally, which you obviously couldn't be bothered about when you decided to "withdraw" and she's much better off without you.
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