Els Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 (edited) I'm just curious, what goes through men's heads when they're cuddling with a loved one, or just holding them? I've noticed that sometimes when the bf and I are just holding each other in a nonsexual way, there'll be a rather noticeable bulge. Not all the time, obviously, but a lot of the time. If the situation allows, very often the nonsexual holding turns into semi-sexual roaming and rubbing, then into... well, you get the idea. I'm perfectly alright with this, because I love spontaneous sex, but I'm just curious if the nonsexual holding really was sexual to him in the first place. I know when I just hold him and refrain from any erogenous zone stimulus, I don't exactly get aroused - but maybe men are wired differently? Also, I notice that even though he often holds me after sex, it's more like something he does for me, with slightly less enthusiasm than before. Men, could you please share how it's like for you? Btw, please stick to the topic. No, I am not a booty call, nobody sticks through circumstances like those we've been through just for a booty call. Also, I don't feel disrespected, I think it's great that he gets turned on by me so easily. Just curious. Edited March 17, 2010 by Elswyth
carhill Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Question: Would you be offended if there weren't a bulge? For me, cuddling is bonding time; intimacy without expectations. A time to be quietly together and share the pleasures of just being. So, would you be offended, or not feel attractive, if we had such time together, even with physical expressions of intimacy (not sexual expressions) and I didn't get aroused, or, if I did, it was situational (came and went)? How would you feel about that? To me, it matters not. I see it as my body's natural response to the circumstances and how I feel at that moment. I'm comfortable with that. It's part of life
mrkleen Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I would take it as a compliment. Sometimes, all my girlfriend has to say is “have a nice day baby” and I “perk up” – just means that he really likes you, finds you attractive, and enjoys your company. He seems to be getting lucky every time he gets turned on this way…so in a sense, it has now become like a Pavlovian response. But since you enjoy it to, there is nothing to worry about.
JohnM Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I find it comforting and bonding to hold a woman, I think its quite romantic for someone to feel enough trust in me to fall asleep in my arms or on my chest in public like on a train or elsewhere. Hmm, I don't really see it as a sexual thing, more of a bonding thing. Its like an elongated kiss, the feelings are shared over a longer period of time and its nice to feel that closeness to someone else. I think its quite natural to have sexual thoughts some times though. Especially in certain body poses such as if I'm sitting with my back against a solid object (like a wall) with my legs at a V and she is sitting in a mirrored pose inbetween my legs then yeah, something may be running through my brain. Same when a girl rests her head in my lap. Its quite difficult to switch off from that sort of association. I'm really in control of my body though so I can control whats going on lol.
TouchedByViolet Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I think your bf likes you a great deal. He enjoys being close to you and that can make guys horny even when sex isn't the first thing on our minds.
USMCHokie Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 "Is she going to want to stop cuddling because it's getting so hot...?" My body emits a ridiculous amount of heat...so cuddling with me is only good when it's cold as crap or when it's only for a few minutes...
likestolaugh Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Also, I notice that even though he often holds me after sex, it's more like something he does for me, with slightly less enthusiasm than before. Men, could you please share how it's like for you? he doesn't love you any less, it's just that after sex many guys have ZERO interest in sex... libido gone (well for a few minutes anyway lol). So it's just that the intensity that was sexual is now gone... and that can be misunderstood as not enthusiastic.
sigurpol Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 "Is she going to want to stop cuddling because it's getting so hot...?" My body emits a ridiculous amount of heat...so cuddling with me is only good when it's cold as crap or when it's only for a few minutes... Hahaha, I feel the same way. Sometimes I'll be laying there and think, "Jesus, it's hot in here"
carhill Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 In my M, it was reversed. Stbx was a roll-over and I wanted to cuddle and extend the intimacy and communicated this. Incompatible I think such examples are good information for the OP. Communicate your sensitivity to his 'enthusiasm' in a neutral place, not in the bedroom, and ask for his help in that regard. IIRC, you're not having penile-vaginal sex yet, so IMO that is a factor in this equation. Communication is essential.
flc Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I can't speak for all men, but I can speak for me. Cuddling tends to lead to kissing and fondling which leads to sex. So when cuddling starts I get hard. After sex I tend to be physically hot so I need a cooling off period and I tend to be energized so laying still cuddling another warm body is not on my mind. However, I do recognize that most women enjoy post sex cuddling so I do it.
carhill Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I can't speak for all men, but I can speak for me. Cuddling tends to lead to kissing and fondling which leads to sex. So when cuddling starts I get hard. I would submit that your perspective is pretty much the 'norm'. My question to the OP is, would she lose attraction for a man who was outlier to this norm. My experiences historically have been, whether appropriate or not (meaning the women were otherwise attached), there seems to be a universal interplay of ego and sensing/seeing/feeling a man's arousal. A man has no similar, obvious visual cues with a woman. As some LS women have asserted, they can 'fake' it without detection. Does that dynamic drive their attraction, or, conversely, its dearth cause their attraction to subside? IOW, if the guy you're cuddling, kissing, etc, doesn't get aroused (his penis gets hard), does that affect your perspective regarding him as a person and your interactions with him in a prospective or existing relationship? OP, since you wanted diversity, I'm offering it. The simple answer is kiss your man, his dick gets hard and he wants it inside of you. That will work most of the time. I explore the rest of the time. That's what's going on in my 'head'.
make me believe Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 My bf often cuddles me just for the sake of cuddling. Sometimes it does turn me on. And in the beginning of our relationship I'd often act on that feeling and he actually said to me, "kissing & cuddling don't always have to turn into sex.." He sometimes gets hard during cuddling, but a lot of times he does it just to be intimate, like carhill described. He also likes to hold me after sex, which is really nice. I don't think I'd like it if he got hard EVERY time we cuddled. Luckily we both enjoy it for what it is, and neither of us sees it as a precursor to sex. I think when it comes to post-sex acitivities, compromise is a must. If you want/need to be held afterwards, just explain that to your bf. But if he doesn't necessarily share your feeling of needing it, and he does it anyway, that's not a bad thing! That means he's being sensitive and accomodating to your feelings, and eventually he may come to enjoy the post-sex cuddling as much as you do.
flc Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Just let me add one more thing, just because I get hard does not mean we have sex everytime we cuddle. We do cuddle without sex but in most cases I am hard at some point during the cuddling. I can also sense pretty well when my partner is in the mood for more than just cuddling, if not then things don't progress to the next stages.
Mary3 Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I can't speak for all men, but I can speak for me. Cuddling tends to lead to kissing and fondling which leads to sex. So when cuddling starts I get hard. After sex I tend to be physically hot so I need a cooling off period and I tend to be energized so laying still cuddling another warm body is not on my mind. However, I do recognize that most women enjoy post sex cuddling so I do it. This turned me on . Thank you lol...
Pyro Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Cuddling is great. I could do it all day long. Just another form of intimacy and love. For me though having that physical contact usually gets me hard and in the mood.
bayouboi Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 One reason I'm aroused by cuddling is because when I'm holding you it feels like you're mine and I'm enveloping you. Being that close just makes me want to be closer. Like magnetism, baby. After sex, I seem less enthused because I'm trying not to fall asleep with exhausted happiness.
Author Els Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 Thanks for sharing, guys. I really don't have any trouble with any of this - sheer curiousity prompted me to wonder if males were wired to think about nonsexual physical contact in a different way from females, and if so, how. As for the Pavlovian response - perhaps true! But then again I rarely ever turn down any sort of sexual advances anyway, unless I'm really in a bad mood or not feeling well, and he usually doesn't try if he knows that. Carhill: I imagine I'd get offended if he was never turned on while holding me, now that you mention it. How do you think penile-vaginal intercourse or lack thereof affects post-sex habits? Isn't an orgasm an orgasm, when it's all done and over with?
mrt336 Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 I'm usually enjoying the feeling of her body against mine, which at the basis is pretty sexual. To me, cuddling is a sexual action. You don't spoon with your dad right? I don't believe cuddling is a nonsexual physical contact.
Pfiend101 Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Cuddling is great. I could do it all day long. Just another form of intimacy and love. For me though having that physical contact usually gets me hard and in the mood. Exactly. Now get this.... My ex said I was clingy for "touching her" when we cuddled, wtf is that?
carhill Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Carhill: I imagine I'd get offended if he was never turned on while holding me, now that you mention it. How do you think penile-vaginal intercourse or lack thereof affects post-sex habits? Isn't an orgasm an orgasm, when it's all done and over with? Once you've experienced that, you can report back. I see it as a very different and more intimate experience, but YMMV. Regarding visual signs of stimulation, imagine how a man feels, not seeing any obvious signs of stimulation in the woman (clothed), except for continued interest in the activity. Like Lizzie has said numerous times, it's a lot easier for a woman to 'fake' interest and stimulation, at all levels of sex, than it is for a man. Your question outlines that parameter. Enjoy
Pyro Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Exactly. Now get this.... My ex said I was clingy for "touching her" when we cuddled, wtf is that? An old roomate of mine was involved with this girl last year who wasn't a huge fan of being intimate like that as well. I would say a girl like her and your ex are in the minority.
SomewhatExperienced Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 It's funny I just noticed this the other day with a girl who I cuddled with for the first time. Yeah, I got a bit on a bulge, not huge, but it was there. I wasn't thinking sex. That's the funny thing. It was just nice to be able to be close like that and I guess it was just a physiological response to the excitement, but I can't say I was horny.
Rearden Metal Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 I like cuddling. Sleep though? I need my space. Same here. Of course, it could be that I'm 114 degrees all the time and snore like a chainsaw. Yeah, I'm a catch
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 I'm just curious, what goes through men's heads when they're cuddling with a loved one, or just holding them? I've noticed that sometimes when the bf and I are just holding each other in a nonsexual way, there'll be a rather noticeable bulge. Not all the time, obviously, but a lot of the time. If the situation allows, very often the nonsexual holding turns into semi-sexual roaming and rubbing, then into... well, you get the idea. I'm perfectly alright with this, because I love spontaneous sex, but I'm just curious if the nonsexual holding really was sexual to him in the first place. I know when I just hold him and refrain from any erogenous zone stimulus, I don't exactly get aroused - but maybe men are wired differently? Also, I notice that even though he often holds me after sex, it's more like something he does for me, with slightly less enthusiasm than before. Men, could you please share how it's like for you? Btw, please stick to the topic. No, I am not a booty call, nobody sticks through circumstances like those we've been through just for a booty call. Also, I don't feel disrespected, I think it's great that he gets turned on by me so easily. Just curious. I admire your attempt to try to understand something. I'd say that my strongest vibe here is that the initiation of the cuddling is inspired by true relaxation and comfort. And that relaxed and comfortable place can SOMETIMES inspire arousal. I don't believe it to be a choreographed ploy to get your goodies every time. The close contact and the warmth tend to inspire his blood to move around, and when blood moves around there is always the possibility that... When he holds you after sex... I'm sure some of it is in direct response to all that we read and hear about women needing and gaining from that connection. (which is fine) At this point, when he is somewhat 'spent', the same positioning just doesn't have the full realm of immediate possibilities as was the case a short while earlier. I think what you are feeling, in the first situation, is his sincerity flowing within him. Nothing you've said is cause for concern on your part. Your curiosity and interest are nice.
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