Distrust after 5 years, no hope in sight

[Rock1972]

I haven't seen a story similar to mine so I'm forced to post in hopes of getting some advice. I apologize in advance should this get long.

 

Marriage 1, the short version: Married after 2 year engagement right out of HS, we were the only people we had ever had a serious relationship with. 3 years after marriage I found her with my best friend on xmas eve. Papers served. No kids.

 

4 months later, after the papers were served I met, and got engaged to my current wife. Fast, yes, but we're still together after 12 years and have a 7 year old little girl.

 

5 years ago my wife and I were into an online game. I played the game and she 'met' someone on the same game. I started getting the same feelings I had when I 'just knew' my first wife had fallen for someone else. I kept asking questions and she angrily accused me of being an untrusting *******, that I need to get help (which I did), and that nothing inappropriate was going on. This happened several times. I even noticed that when we had sex after playing the game that she was already pretty well worked up. One night I decided to tell her that I was just going to trust her and love her. The next day I even bought her a card and flowers saying this. The day after that, I logged into her account on the game to fix a problem and this guy says "hey hun". I logged off, went back and looked at her chat logs and saw things like "are you alone?", "ooh the danger!", "I love you", "I'll email you tomorrow from work" between her and this guy. In her email account were pictures of my daughter going to him along with love letters. There was no chance of a physical affair as he lived 1500 miles away and had his own family, wife and 8 kids (I investigated). When I confronted her, she denied it angrily at first, even when I told her that I had logs. I had to show her the logs before she would come clean and then threaten to look at past logs before she admitted to cyber sex with this guy.

 

We nearly divorced right then but finally decided on therapy. Our therapist was not very good and let us get away without facing much, but it worked for the short term and 5 years later we're still married.

 

She said that the OM provided some level of affection that I wasn't showing her. Problem is, I've always been the sensitive, affectionate one. She has always been the one pushing me away.

 

I'm not dumb, I know that I have blended my insecurites from my first wife in with my current, and that there is plenty of irrationality from that. This is why I would like to year from you.

 

My problem is that I don't trust her now, and don't imagine that I ever will. I'm always suspicious, I get through the roof upset when I think she might be telling even a white lie, we don't talk for days when I get suspicious, and I'm always looking to 'catch' her again. Now this all goes on while I'm watching her every move (and she knows I am), and I know that she's NOT doing anything to deserve my distrust, and hasn't for the past 5 years.

 

Neither of us drink, she only rarely (2-3 times a year) goes out with friends for more than an hour, and even then she makes sure that I know every detail of what she's up to even without me asking a thing. She prefers to stay at home and play a video game, watch TV, or play with our girl. She's very insecure with herself and won't believe me when I call her beautiful. I'm almost exactly the same way in all respects. However, I do not feel much affection from her and she's content with the amount of affection between us. If anything, I'm smothering her.

 

I'm always asking to take her out and she usually finds an excuse not to go but has no problem going with friends for a quick after-work/before-class dinner.

 

I'm fairly certain that she does not like me and perhaps never did, but she stays because she's scared of living on her own. I believe that if any other man gives her any amount of attention that she'll jump him. I don't want a divorce because I don't want my daughter growing up in a broken home and I take my vows very seriously (and literally). It is also isn't financially viable at this time, we couldn't afford to live apart for at least a year.

 

I'm so paranoid now that she's going to either lie to me or cheat on me that it consumes me. I want to hold her so tight at times but also hate her for not only lying to me, but also trying to make me think that I was crazy or a bad person for ever suspecting anything. How can I possibly let go of this suspicion? Should I be trying to anymore or should I just do my best to get through the next year then leave? Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated!

Edited March 17, 2010 by Rock1972

[silic0ntoad]

I would try and get a councilor that works. Not for your wife at first, or your marriage, but for you. Go to an individual councilor that can help you with trust issues in your relationship.

 

It sounds like she is being an open book which is a definately a good thing. But this is something you guys need to work at.

[jnj express]

You have to do what's best for you----you get one trip thru life on this planet, and you had better do the best you can for yourself

 

The lack of trust comes with the territory, and will be around maybe for the whole time you are with your W. She made it very hard on you to get the truth out of her, and now you just keep wondering what she is up to.

 

Finances, and child are not reasons to stay if relationship is really bad, and it is hurting you mentally.

 

Lay your cards on the table, MAKE HER discuss the marital problems, and what can be done to solve them. You both NEED to go out on date nights, get out of the house, get away from the computer, there is a whole big world out there----experience it--either with or without her.

[lordWilhelm]

The problem is, she doesn't have to do anything and she still gets her rewards from you. You still treat her well regardless of her lack of affection and initiation, so what's her motivation to change?

 

She needs to feel some sort of consequences if things continue as they are.

 

If you're seriously thinking of leaving after the year, you should at least give her a chance to put things right.

 

Have a very serious but nonthreatening talk with her and start pulling away if she doesn't respond positively -- that will make breaking up after the year easier.

 

Maybe suggest MC as a last ditch attempt to get things on track.

 

It's all about involvement in marriage, and if she's showing nought then it's just a piece of paper.

[lordWilhelm]

My problem is that I don't trust her now, and don't imagine that I ever will. I'm always suspicious, I get through the roof upset when I think she might be telling even a white lie, we don't talk for days when I get suspicious, and I'm always looking to 'catch' her again. Now this all goes on while I'm watching her every move (and she knows I am), and I know that she's NOT doing anything to deserve my distrust, and hasn't for the past 5 years.

 

Well, that's something you need to work on. You can't just accept that you're like that and do nothing about it. If she senses that all your affection is just part of your being controlling over her, rather than from your good-nature, then that's a good reason that she might not reciprocate your affection.

 

And that sort of fits with her somewhat paradoxical statement that she's not getting affection from you. Are you doing it for the right reasons?

[northernlights]

Here's what I think. If your happy living your life as a blind man, then act as if all is good. I'd rather see clearly, even when it rains

 

I haven't seen a story similar to mine so I'm forced to post in hopes of getting some advice. I apologize in advance should this get long.

 

Marriage 1, the short version: Married after 2 year engagement right out of HS, we were the only people we had ever had a serious relationship with. 3 years after marriage I found her with my best friend on xmas eve. Papers served. No kids.

 

4 months later, after the papers were served I met, and got engaged to my current wife. Fast, yes, but we're still together after 12 years and have a 7 year old little girl.

 

5 years ago my wife and I were into an online game. I played the game and she 'met' someone on the same game. I started getting the same feelings I had when I 'just knew' my first wife had fallen for someone else. I kept asking questions and she angrily accused me of being an untrusting *******, that I need to get help (which I did), and that nothing inappropriate was going on. This happened several times. I even noticed that when we had sex after playing the game that she was already pretty well worked up. One night I decided to tell her that I was just going to trust her and love her. The next day I even bought her a card and flowers saying this. The day after that, I logged into her account on the game to fix a problem and this guy says "hey hun". I logged off, went back and looked at her chat logs and saw things like "are you alone?", "ooh the danger!", "I love you", "I'll email you tomorrow from work" between her and this guy. In her email account were pictures of my daughter going to him along with love letters. There was no chance of a physical affair as he lived 1500 miles away and had his own family, wife and 8 kids (I investigated). When I confronted her, she denied it angrily at first, even when I told her that I had logs. I had to show her the logs before she would come clean and then threaten to look at past logs before she admitted to cyber sex with this guy.

 

We nearly divorced right then but finally decided on therapy. Our therapist was not very good and let us get away without facing much, but it worked for the short term and 5 years later we're still married.

 

She said that the OM provided some level of affection that I wasn't showing her. Problem is, I've always been the sensitive, affectionate one. She has always been the one pushing me away.

 

I'm not dumb, I know that I have blended my insecurites from my first wife in with my current, and that there is plenty of irrationality from that. This is why I would like to year from you.

 

My problem is that I don't trust her now, and don't imagine that I ever will. I'm always suspicious, I get through the roof upset when I think she might be telling even a white lie, we don't talk for days when I get suspicious, and I'm always looking to 'catch' her again. Now this all goes on while I'm watching her every move (and she knows I am), and I know that she's NOT doing anything to deserve my distrust, and hasn't for the past 5 years.

 

Neither of us drink, she only rarely (2-3 times a year) goes out with friends for more than an hour, and even then she makes sure that I know every detail of what she's up to even without me asking a thing. She prefers to stay at home and play a video game, watch TV, or play with our girl. She's very insecure with herself and won't believe me when I call her beautiful. I'm almost exactly the same way in all respects. However, I do not feel much affection from her and she's content with the amount of affection between us. If anything, I'm smothering her.

 

I'm always asking to take her out and she usually finds an excuse not to go but has no problem going with friends for a quick after-work/before-class dinner.

 

I'm fairly certain that she does not like me and perhaps never did, but she stays because she's scared of living on her own. I believe that if any other man gives her any amount of attention that she'll jump him. I don't want a divorce because I don't want my daughter growing up in a broken home and I take my vows very seriously (and literally). It is also isn't financially viable at this time, we couldn't afford to live apart for at least a year.

 

I'm so paranoid now that she's going to either lie to me or cheat on me that it consumes me. I want to hold her so tight at times but also hate her for not only lying to me, but also trying to make me think that I was crazy or a bad person for ever suspecting anything. How can I possibly let go of this suspicion? Should I be trying to anymore or should I just do my best to get through the next year then leave? Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated!