kevinm1019 Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Well I just experienced the same thing recently and I'm having the same difficulty. We have been together for 13 years and out of nowhere I found out about her affair. For me, I found out within a month of it happening because the signs were starting to show. Destiny was calling because she shattered her knee in a fall and I found out while trying to dial her parents from the emergency room because of all of the previous text messaging she had been doing with her cousin regarding her experiences. The hard part for me is trying to comprehend why it happened. I was a very loving, dedicated, loyal and romantic companion... I took her on dates, etc. At first she denied it but then said she needed to feel desired because she reflected on our past problems and indiscretions. She had challenges putting closure to her previous relationships and felt some sense of weird obligation because she never addressed why those relationships didn't work out. She had a moment where she went on a business trip to the city one ex-boyfriend was in... he showed up at her hotel... they went to her room and she expressed she only shared a kiss but couldn't go through with it. I was very upset and in turn... I was ignored, rejected intimately on most occasions for television or sleep... so when another woman offered herself and intimacy to me after nearly a year of frustration... I accepted it. This was many, many years ago but she said she thought of that moment and got upset. The bottom line is it doesn't matter what happened or by who... it matters that it happened. The part that makes it difficult for me is that we talked about our problems... made peace and decided to move forward with our relationship... or at least I thought so. The truth is... she had never really forgiven me despite her indiscretions. If you share any type of intimacy with another man or woman... whether it is a kiss, hug, hand holding, sex or whatever... it is being unfaithful. All of those things should be shared with your mate. When a person goes outside of his or her relationship... it is a representation of the difference in the goals, dreams and desires you both have. Now the big question... can I forgive her? I don't know. Why? Because I meant what I said when I decided to forgive her and believed we were headed down the path of eternal love. Truth is... her actions were intentional, deliberate and without remorse. People always have remorse once they are discovered and realize the consequences of a moment in time compared to his or her relationship. All I tend to think about is the intimacy she shared with this man she met on the internet and knew for three weeks. Can I see my life without her? No... not really... but the truth is... I won't be able to address this for myself while she is in our home or in my presence. Every time I look at her... it hurts... every time I think of her... it hurts... every time she touches me or tries to explain her mistake... it hurts... the only way it will stop hurting is if I have a moment to absorb this... think about it... and decide what is best for us and our children. I truly believe this is the only way. Many people cannot say they have a long term relationship with one person so if you are willing to try... there may be a chance but never let yourself be so blind with love you don't see the signs or become betrayed again...
Bryanp Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 She meets someone on the internet and 3 weeks later she has sex with him? She has put you and herself at risk for STD's. You both need to be tested. It sounds like she had no intention of telling you and only stopped when she got caught. What is wrong with this picture? What is this telling you?
AAlike Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 so let me see if I have the timeline correct: - she kissed an ex early in your relationship, but it would have gone further had her conscience not kicked in - this upset you, which resulted in her pushing you away and you sleeping alone for the next year or so - you then slept with another woman, and she found out - you guys decided to make peace, "an eye for an eye" as it were - several years later, she has an affair with a guy she met online, and you find this out by reading texts in her phone that were sent to a cousin Did I get that right?
Author kevinm1019 Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 (edited) That about sums it up. Truth is... I've seen signs from her so I don't know if anyone else has been involved or not... but does it really matter? She made a decision to do this. In fact, she told me she let him know she did not want this to affect me or her family. In my mind, she was telling him... "Yes I'm involved... but go ahead and have sex with me if you want to... but let me tell you why I'm frustrated and need this from you." Yes... I was wrong as well but I thought things were really put to rest and we had move past those challenges. She admitted she made a terrible mistake which compromised herself, me, our family and she gets very upset because she says she feels like a "whore." The thing I shared with her is if you had not shattered your knee... you would still be pursuing this... so it's not like you admitted this free of will... the circumstances forced your hand in some ways because you will be down for 4 - 6 months. Yes... I was wrong for reaching out to someone else as well but I've learned from my experience and the pain it caused our relationship. Truth is... I should've left or asked for a separation vs. going through what I was going through. Should I forgive her? Should I try? I don't know because I had fault to at a point in our relationship. She has been crying miserably because she said I have this look of disgust and hurt on my face when I look at her. Do I love her? I have 13 years with her. Do I want this to work out? Reality is... until she decides to face the reasons and motivations for stepping outside of our relationship I cannot. If I was verbally, mentally, physically abusing... did not take care of my home and family... the intimacy was not good... I would understand... but as she stated... those things were great but she didn't believe my heart was into her because it seemed like I had regrets about being with her. Truthfully... I don't buy that... but they are her feelings. Realistically speaking... that is not a reason to try to go validate yourself through another man you met on the internet and gave information to so he could tell you what you wanted to hear to create this aura that you were more special than any other woman... you tried to validate yourself through intimacy with another man when you were going to have to face the issues with me whether you were discovered or felt a sense of guilt. Edited March 17, 2010 by kevinm1019
lkjh Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 She has done this a couple of times now and maybe more. Don't let her make excuses for her character flaws
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