drogemeister Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Before I get into the details, let me describe myself. I have ADD and there is a possibility that I might be bi-polar. Everyone on my mom's side of the family, including her, is bi-polar and my parents tell me that I have the same symptoms. I am currently waiting on my medical insurance before I get tested. I also have a very high sex drive and I seem to horny all the time. I have also been in and out of the swinger lifestyle for about 15 years. I have been with my mate for over 5 years. It's been a roller coaster as we separated, divorced and got back together 6 months ago. She seems to have accepted that I have ADD and tries to understand that. Every aspect of our relationship is fine except for the trust and our sex life. I have cheated on her many times and only admitted to one incident. I cheated the first times because I was bartending and was living a fantasy. This was all before she got pregnant and we moved to Minnesota (which is where she is from). This period covers about a year and a half of our relationship. About a month before she got pregnant, I proposed to her. It was New Year's Eve and it was a really special moment. I did it as the ball dropped. I believe it was shortly before that, that I realized I was in love with her and wanted to be with her forever. So when she got pregnant, it seemed to put the icing on the cake. 6 months after we moved, I cheated again. I met up with some swingers and indulged myself. I could make excuses here, but I needed sex and wasn't getting it, so I ventured off. I stopped cheating after our daughter was born, which was 9 months after we moved. About 2 months after she was born, I found out that my fiance' was talking to her ex-bf (She dated him for 3 years and left him to be with me). She went to lunch with him and took our daughter and didn't even tell me about it. I found out because he started calling everyday and I broke into her email. She was talking to him there as well. Talking about moving to Hawaii with him (He was in the Army, stationed in Iraq). We ended up breaking up a week later and after a month had passed, we got back together and went to MC for 6 months. 3 months after the counseling, we got married. After we got married, we moved back to Vegas (my hometown). I went first because I landed a job and it was my duty to find us a house. I talked to her all the time, but we fought a lot. Mostly because I missed her and she thought I was falling apart. I wasn't, but just missed her and our daughter. I also asked her for nude pictures and she refused to send them, but finally sent topless ones after a few weeks of fighting about it. During the time I was out here alone, I cheated. I met up with a girl I had a crush on in High School and she was married, but wanted to try swinging. After I found us a house and moved my wife and daughter to Vegas, I stopped. This was about 2.5 months later. I decided to stop and commit myself to my family. I was working 70+ hours a week supporting us while she was looking for a job. She didn't like the house and was upset that I didn't get one she liked, mainly because she wanted to run a daycare. The house I got was not in the best neighborhood and it had a pool in the back. I had some blemishes on my credit report which stopped me from getting a better house and after 2 months of looking, time was running out. So now comes more frustration. Things hadn't been good at all since we moved back to Minnesota (the first time). She promised things would be better once this or that happened. For instance, she wasn't affectionate or sexual when we first moved because we stayed at her parent's house and she was uncomfortable. She said when we moved it would be better. Then she said when we got married, it would be better. Well, we moved and got married and it wasn't things were worse. So then she said when she got a job and felt like she was contributing, it would get better. It didn't. We played online roleplaying game (Star Wars) and she started talking to this guy in NJ. I posted the whole history about that in another thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t224507/ So I broke into her emails again and saw she sent him a picture of her butt, although she was wearing a thong. I also found she told him how good of BJs she gives. So now, I'm hurt. I decided to make a myspace page and find someone to get back at her with. I also tried to ruin the friendship, which didn't work. I ended up cheating again, mostly out of hurt and frustration. We separated and eventually got divorced. We got back together last October and things have been fine, except for the sex and trust. I know she doesn't trust me completely yet, and I know why, but that isn't the issue. The issue is me trusting her. I broke into her emails again and found that she still talks to this guy in NJ, and also started talking to someone back in June of last year (which is only about once every month or so). Nothing in the emails, since we got back together, suggest she wants someone else, but the emails to this guy in NJ before we got back together clearly states she wanted to have sex with him. Granted, he has cancer and she hadn't had sex in a while before she started talking to him like that, but it still hurts and I can't stop being nosy and paranoid. We've talked about it and she refuses to stop talking to him. She even lies about it (She gets and email, I ask who it is from, she says spam and it's actually him). I believe she does this to avoid a fight, because it usually ends in one. The guy in NJ knows I'm with her and she swears up and down she just cares for him as a friend and she really doesn't have any friends. Now that we have been back together for 6 months, things are getting hard for me. Sex was great for the first month and now she doesn't want to do it. She says because I demand it and we fight if I don't get it. She wants me to leave her alone about it so she can want it and not feel forced to do it. I get extremely crabby if I go more than a week without it. And now I find myself looking at escort advertisements to get a quickie. I love this girl more than anything in this world. I don't want anyone else and really want her to be the one to satisfy my needs, but I can't seem to control these urges I have. I hate that I am like this and wish there was a drug that will slow me down, kinda like an anti-viagra. What do I do? I lost her once and died... I don't want to lose her again.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Just curious have you guys ever gone to MC? Sounds like you love her..but you have done some messed up things in this relationship and your insecurities about it are messing with your head....."You always accuse people of what your capable of" and I think this is the case with you. Its innapropriate of her side as well. But you have cheated on her over and over again...Maybe you need to look into sexual addiction counseling. Good luck
Tnerforireyeh Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Why do I have a feeling that your child will be a drain on society? No offense but, man, you guys are way too unstable to be bringing up baby.
JaneInVegas Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I sympathize with you on a lot of levels, I really do. But just because you really love someone a lot doesn't mean you're necessarily meant to be together. And dude, your relationship is so tainted in so many ways, I'd say it's best to walk away before you invest anything more of yourself into it. It's kind of like fixing up an old beater car. You can dump more money into it, but you know that before long it's going to break down for the umpteenth time, and require more and more money to keep it going. Is an old beater car really worth all that money and effort? That's up to you to decide. I usually encourage people with small children to stay together, but it sounds like you guys are too far out in the weeds. It's not worth all the fighting and heartache, life is far too short. Good luck to you, regardless of what you decide. P.S. What part of Vegas do you consider home? I live in Green Valley
Author drogemeister Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 Thanks for the replies and I understand why you all might feel this way. I found out something that she has been telling me for years. I found this website, http://www.sexualcontrol.com, and after reading some other forums and info sites, I found that I am a sexual addict. 90% of our problems are because of the way that I am and I am fully committed to overcoming this addiction. I am 100% positive that if my relationship can survive my recovery, it will succeed.
Jeff1962 Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 For me, cheating is a symptom of something askew inside of one's self. Albiet personally, psycological, spiritually. Then you add in the outside factors of an unhealthy relationship and these issues become amplified. This is just my thought though. In order to commit and maintain a healthy relationship wether it be friendship or intimacy, you must first be healthy yourself. Good luck.
Author drogemeister Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 For me, cheating is a symptom of something askew inside of one's self. Albiet personally, psycological, spiritually. Then you add in the outside factors of an unhealthy relationship and these issues become amplified. This is just my thought though. In order to commit and maintain a healthy relationship wether it be friendship or intimacy, you must first be healthy yourself. Good luck. What do you mean? Are you suggesting that I was unhealthy before these problems? That is true. I was divorced before this and have had emotional issues for the past 10 years. How do I fix this?
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 How do you fix this? THERAPY. One on one counselling to help you cope, to help you face issues that have led you down this path. To take responsibility for your actions, your choices and CHANGE. That is, if you want to change and become a better person.
Author drogemeister Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 How do you fix this? THERAPY. One on one counselling to help you cope, to help you face issues that have led you down this path. To take responsibility for your actions, your choices and CHANGE. That is, if you want to change and become a better person. Of course I want to change and be a better person. I am committed to doing so. This website and book I am reading has really opened my eyes to my problems and have allowed me to take responsibility for what I have done.
Jeff1962 Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 What do you mean? Are you suggesting that I was unhealthy before these problems? That is true. I was divorced before this and have had emotional issues for the past 10 years. How do I fix this? You grew up in an unhealthy enviroment. Therefore, this is what you know, this is all you know. I mean no disrespect toward you at all in any way. How can you enter or maintain a healthy relationship based upon where you are in your life? You need to work on yourself no matter how painful this may be. We all have baggage. Some more, some less but when our baggage interferes with our lives and or relationships, we need help.
sally4sara Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 The part that sticks out to me is where you say: SHE said things would be better after this and SHE said things would be better after that. But throughout your post, YOU were always cheating. She sounds like she was feeding off your infidelities and at times when she was uncertain, began to do the leapfrog gear up to move on to someone else (no real surprise as this is how she got with you too). She is a reactionary and co-dependent person and you have been feeding her on a steady diet of lies and infidelity while excusing yourself with what she says will happen. But how can you count on what she says if she is so reactionary and what you give her to react to is shady and deceptive to begin with? I do not think that either of you have the base personality that would allow the two of you to be very compatible. So its up to you two to decide just how much mud you want to drag each other AND your kid through before you end this.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 We got back together last October and things have been fine, except for the sex and trust. I know she doesn't trust me completely yet, and I know why, but that isn't the issue. and why should she trust you? you aren't trustworthy. and if there is a problem in the sex arena, then I would venture and educated guess that you will give her yet more reasons to not trust you again. The issue is me trusting her. I broke into her emails again and found that she still talks to this guy in NJ you have no basis to not trust her. She was talking to this guy because OF WHAT YOU DID TO HER. Not that it makes it right, but if she has a problem, she shouldn't be with you. YOU are the serial cheater here, and you have the nerve to lay claim to trust? and also started talking to someone back in June of last year (which is only about once every month or so). Nothing in the emails, since we got back together, suggest she wants someone else, but the emails to this guy in NJ before we got back together clearly states she wanted to have sex with him. stings dont it? We've talked about it and she refuses to stop talking to him. She even lies about it (She gets and email, I ask who it is from, she says spam and it's actually him). I believe she does this to avoid a fight, because it usually ends in one. The guy in NJ knows I'm with her and she swears up and down she just cares for him as a friend and she really doesn't have any friends. why should she stop? you won't be faithful to her now or ever. You can't stop being unfaithful. She should really just break it off completely and for good with you though. Now that we have been back together for 6 months, things are getting hard for me. Sex was great for the first month and now she doesn't want to do it. She says because I demand it and we fight if I don't get it. She wants me to leave her alone about it so she can want it and not feel forced to do it. I get extremely crabby if I go more than a week without it. And now I find myself looking at escort advertisements to get a quickie. yup, I rest my case. Why don't you just do her the favor if she won't and leave the relationship. And never commit to anyone again as you clearly can't handle it. I love this girl more than anything in this world. bulls##t I don't want anyone else and really want her to be the one to satisfy my needs, but I can't seem to control these urges I have. I hate that I am like this and wish there was a drug that will slow me down, kinda like an anti-viagra. What do I do? I lost her once and died... I don't want to lose her again. what do you do? set her free from you. she deserves better.
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