kmm111 Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Last week both our spouses found out about our EA and also our unhappiness in the marriage. Although hurt, they both want to make changes, they both take blame for the unhappiness and they both want to try and save our marriages. The MM and I however had been talking about being together. He said he was going to leave his marriage because of his unhappiness, regardless of what decision I make. Now that his wife wants to change, however, he says if he does leave his marriage, it will be to be with me because he feels that he could regain some of the love and happiness back with his W if she does indeed change. He has a child involved and I don't. This obviously puts me in a tough spot. Is it ever OK for someone to leave solely for another person? Do I just let him go and advise him to work on his marriage? He is proceeding faster than me; talking to lawyers right now about child support. It's a mess and I guess neither of us were really ready for this right now.
bentnotbroken Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 So both spouses take the blame:confused:. Hmm interesting, you two cheat, they accept the blame. So you don't want to leave, why?
jennie-jennie Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 In my opinion if you love someone other than your spouse it is always okay to leave for the other person. My MM would only get a divorce for me. Otherwise he would stay married. I see nothing strange nor wrong with this. I too would have stayed in my prior relationship if not for MM. You know, when you have something that is okay, you don't want to leave it, unless you have found something that means more to you. In that case you should leave. In my opinion it is not right to stay in a marriage when somebody else matters more to you. The children will be okay. It is good for them to see that the parents care for their own happiness. In that way the children will learn to care for their own happiness when they are adults. Trust your MM. Let him make the decision that feels right for him, and concentrate on making the decision that feels right for you.
Hazyhead Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 In my opinion, they should leave for themselves and because the marriage is no longer what they want. There is too much room for having second thoughts or blame if they leave 'just' for the OP. My XMM said the same and, lo and behold, he's still married, his reason to stay (this is what he said not what I take for certain to be true) was that there would be too much tension with the kids and exW and stuff. I would be very cautious if were you. Make sure that whatever you decide you do it for you, too. You need to live with the consequences if he changes his mind.
mrkleen Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 In my opinion if you love someone other than your spouse it is always okay to leave for the other person. If you love someone other than your spouse – but you are still married, then you are the worst kind of sneaky, shady, low life. Relationships change, people’s feelings change, things move on. There is no shame in being unhappy with your marriage and wanting to take some time away – or even in getting a divorce. But if you have any sense of class and common decency – you will end one thing before you jump into something else. Keeping a man on the side until you fall for him more than your husband is just such slimy, disgraceful behavior.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 KMM do you EVER take responsibility of your actions??? Do you as a woman ever admit you made a choice to betray your husband and the OM his wife??? Are you women enough to admit your just wrong, You need to own this!!!
Author kmm111 Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 KMM do you EVER take responsibility of your actions??? Do you as a woman ever admit you made a choice to betray your husband and the OM his wife??? Are you women enough to admit your just wrong, You need to own this!!! Of course I know I am wrong. I know this is something I will live with the rest of my life. I know I could have taken action to prevent this A from occuring but I didn't, and that was a choice I made. I also know that people will get hurt and have already gotten hurt. Just to answer your question...
bentnotbroken Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Again, why aren't you ready to leave? Isn't this what you to planned for? Didn't you think that either of your spouses were worthy of your fidelity, commitment, respect or honor? Now that you have the opportunity to get the hell away from that "inconsiderate cad of a husband", why waffle....flee.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Of course I know I am wrong. I know this is something I will live with the rest of my life. I know I could have taken action to prevent this A from occuring but I didn't, and that was a choice I made. I also know that people will get hurt and have already gotten hurt. Just to answer your question... ...So ar you gonna continue the affair or not!!!??? Now that it's out in the open, are you expecting it to continue?? Do you even want to save your marriage? It's make it or break it time!!! Be forewarned, he cheated on his wife, he will CHEAT on you too. And then what? Also did you ever not let your H. take the blame for your CHOICE to cheat? WTF where is your sense of honor, and right and wrong? Why would you just sit idily by and let this happen to your family, what are you doing to fix things???
Hazyhead Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Your relationship with the MM was emotional, not just sex.I assume. Do you honestly think your M can be saved? Your H wants to change? How about you? Now you have the added stressors of an A.. He will never trust you again no matter what he says. Hope you make the right decision..You confessed..be honest with yourself..don't let guilt lead you to making the wrong choice. Sometimes it's better to just cut your losses..Maybe try being single..It's not so bad.. I agree with this; it can give you such clarity and perspective. If your marriage could be saved, maybe taking a break from it for a bit may help it in the long run - space can be such a good thing. And, like Stella says, being single ain't so bad. (I'm actually looking forward to it again!)
Author kmm111 Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 Your relationship with the MM was emotional, not just sex.I assume. Do you honestly think your M can be saved? Your H wants to change? How about you? Now you have the added stressors of an A.. He will never trust you again no matter what he says. Hope you make the right decision..You confessed..be honest with yourself..don't let guilt lead you to making the wrong choice. Sometimes it's better to just cut your losses..Maybe try being single..It's not so bad.. Yes, it was all emotional - no sex. I think this is what has made it so difficult to walk away from. He made me feel loved and appreciated while my husband wasn't doing that at all. My fault, I know - I should have walked away from him and just talked to my husband about it, but I didn't.
bestplayer Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 In my opinion, they should leave for themselves and because the marriage is no longer what they want. There is too much room for having second thoughts or blame if they leave 'just' for the OP. My XMM said the same and, lo and behold, he's still married, his reason to stay (this is what he said not what I take for certain to be true) was that there would be too much tension with the kids and exW and stuff. I would be very cautious if were you. Make sure that whatever you decide you do it for you, too. You need to live with the consequences if he changes his mind. well I think from op's previous posts it is clear that she is completely in love with mm & they are soulmates & planning to be together . so it doesn't make any sense that she should leave for herself , when they have already planned to be together .
Hazyhead Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 well I think from op's previous posts it is clear that she is completely in love with mm & they are soulmates & planning to be together . so it doesn't make any sense that she should leave for herself , when they have already planned to be together . I see that, but people go back on decisions. My xAP made plans to be with me, put his house up for sale, etc, etc. But it didn't work out like that. She needs to be prepared that I might not work out like and AND be happy with her decision to leave if that is the outcome. Km, I do wish you the best in this but sometimes things don't work out the way we planned. As Burns said: 'The best laid plans o' mice and men...'
bestplayer Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 ...So ar you gonna continue the affair or not!!!??? Now that it's out in the open, are you expecting it to continue?? Do you even want to save your marriage? It's make it or break it time!!! Be forewarned, he cheated on his wife, he will CHEAT on you too. And then what? Also did you ever not let your H. take the blame for your CHOICE to cheat? WTF where is your sense of honor, and right and wrong? Why would you just sit idily by and let this happen to your family, what are you doing to fix things??? i think she had already decided not to save her marriage after she fell in love for mm see her previous threads .
bestplayer Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Your relationship with the MM was emotional, not just sex.I assume. Do you honestly think your M can be saved? Your H wants to change? How about you? Now you have the added stressors of an A.. He will never trust you again no matter what he says. Hope you make the right decision..You confessed..be honest with yourself..don't let guilt lead you to making the wrong choice. Sometimes it's better to just cut your losses..Maybe try being single..It's not so bad.. well why single ? when mm is also willing to leave his wife , why shouldn't she be with the person she had been planning her future ?
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 well why single ? when mm is also willing to leave his wife , why shouldn't she be with the person she had been planning her future ? So she would rather be with a man who could lie, cheat and deceive his wife and be a laughing stock of his family, community and life. And you know cannot be faithful at all. She would rather be with this man, than her faithful and good husband, which she has had a history with. Reguardless, under these circumstances with so many odds against her, is this the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with a no-good for nothing lying cheating man??? WTF? his wife is about to kick him out or he's leaving for cheating, who's to say it wont happen with KMM and next time it'll be worse. Who's to say that when the honeymoon phase wears off this guys real nature wont show up??? Is this the type of relationship y'all women are seeking, and if that's the case divorce your poor spouses now, you dont need to be married. Be a single mother by choice than by dragging some poor shmuck along for the ride. Good lord what is wrong with you all?
bestplayer Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I see that, but people go back on decisions. My xAP made plans to be with me, put his house up for sale, etc, etc. But it didn't work out like that. She needs to be prepared that I might not work out like and AND be happy with her decision to leave if that is the outcome. Km, I do wish you the best in this but sometimes things don't work out the way we planned. As Burns said: 'The best laid plans o' mice and men...' well if mm goes back on his decison , she can always come back to her husband .can't she ?
GorillaTheater Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 well if mm goes back on his decison , she can always come back to her husband .can't she ? Not if he has a shred of self-respect.
bestplayer Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 So she would rather be with a man who could lie, cheat and deceive his wife and be a laughing stock of his family, community and life. And you know cannot be faithful at all. She would rather be with this man, than her faithful and good husband, which she has had a history with. Reguardless, under these circumstances with so many odds against her, is this the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with a no-good for nothing lying cheating man??? WTF? his wife is about to kick him out or he's leaving for cheating, who's to say it wont happen with KMM and next time it'll be worse. Who's to say that when the honeymoon phase wears off this guys real nature wont show up??? Is this the type of relationship y'all women are seeking, and if that's the case divorce your poor spouses now, you dont need to be married. Be a single mother by choice than by dragging some poor shmuck along for the ride. Good lord what is wrong with you all? Chrome Barracuda , I agree with u her husband is really a good man who in spite of her affair , still wants to work it out with her , but unfortunately not every body values that quality .
2sunny Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 So both spouses take the blame:confused:. Hmm interesting, you two cheat, they accept the blame. So you don't want to leave, why? KMM do you EVER take responsibility of your actions??? Do you as a woman ever admit you made a choice to betray your husband and the OM his wife??? Are you women enough to admit your just wrong, You need to own this!!! Of course I know I am wrong. I know this is something I will live with the rest of my life. I know I could have taken action to prevent this A from occuring but I didn't, and that was a choice I made. I also know that people will get hurt and have already gotten hurt. Just to answer your question... the blame for your participation is SOLEY on YOU!!!! you decided - you participated - YOU caused this. i agree with the above references pointed out to YOU - to which YOU have not addressed. how long do you think you can continue avoiding the chaos you created? hmmm, it will look like chaos until you make a decision and stick to it. i see you wanting both right now (so, essentially - nothing has changed). if you can't completely be honest and commit to the marriage - then you have no marriage - just the allusion of one. end it. if you commit - stick to it - if you don't - then give yourself time alone to morn the end of the marriage you THOUGHT you had - but helped end. so the real question is - what are you going to do about it? first thing is to totally admit to your husband that this isn't his fault and he is not to blame - you are... and that you need to figure out how you are going to fix it. ps... to fix it - at times - for the BS, means to let them go so they have that ability to find a partner who can be all the things to them that they initially thought they had in you... and sometimes they have the chance of finding more. to short change them in any way is merely selfish.
bestplayer Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 the blame for your participation is SOLEY on YOU!!!! you decided - you participated - YOU caused this. i agree with the above references pointed out to YOU - to which YOU have not addressed. how long do you think you can continue avoiding the chaos you created? hmmm, it will look like chaos until you make a decision and stick to it. i see you wanting both right now (so, essentially - nothing has changed). if you can't completely be honest and commit to the marriage - then you have no marriage - just the allusion of one. end it. if you commit - stick to it - if you don't - then give yourself time alone to morn the end of the marriage you THOUGHT you had - but helped end. so the real question is - what are you going to do about it? first thing is to totally admit to your husband that this isn't his fault and he is not to blame - you are... and that you need to figure out how you are going to fix it. ps... to fix it - at times - for the BS, means to let them go so they have that ability to find a partner who can be all the things to them that they initially thought they had in you... and sometimes they have the chance of finding more. to short change them in any way is merely selfish. u said "...if you commit - stick to it - if you don't - then give yourself time alone to morn the end of the marriage you THOUGHT you had - but helped end ...." why should she mourn the end of marriage if he/she is ending it willingly ? I think its her husband who will be mourning , as he was not expecting it .
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