I did it again

[jnd2009]

Hey- it's been a while since I posted on here. Been busy with school.

I have to get this off my chest, and anonymously on here is best.

I've kept in contact with my MM still, basically as friends. When we talked, anything that happened between us almost never came up. I guess here's some background before I continue since it's been a while....

 

been with BF for 5 years, met MM at the place we both used to work at. Didn't hang out outside of work till after he quit- last summer. We've messed around a lot- but only fun sex and nothing more. He's married, and we both don't want to leave our relationships (I have no desire to start a relationship with him). On my end, it started when bf suggested an open relationship. This has been the only guy I've ever considered messing with on the side. I know many of you disapprove, but I need to get this off my chest.

 

So anyways, IDK what got into me but talking to him this week escalated into meeting up and "having fun". I don't know what it is about him and why I randomly want him (and only for "sexual purposes"). There are times when I can't believe I messed with him and don't want him at all- there are other times I go crazy thinking about messing with him. The best word I can say is it's an addiction.

 

Don't get me wrong- I do love my bf, I do want to be with him, and we do still have an active sex life. I just still don't know what to think about all of this. Like I said there are times where I'm like "I'm done" (which has been a lot recently up till this week). IDK, any comments are welcome. I just don't want anything to get back to my bf (the part where most of you don't approve). My best friend knows I've slept with MM before, as hard as I try not to tell her- I still do. I'm trying not to let this time be known, hence the reason I'm writing a book on here. I'll stop- LOL, like I said comments are welcome....good night!

[TaraMaiden]

What the hell do you want?

You have two men in your life, both of whom stick it where you want it, and it sounds as if you're thrilled to bits with that - until the BF finds out, that is.

 

So, other than the fact that you're a lying cheater having the time of her life, Where's your problem?

Other than the fact that your conscience seems to have gone AWOL, that is?

 

Rude?

maybe I am, but cheating on someone, and coming on here to brag about it, (Or as you put it, 'getting it off your chest!' Huh!) seems a little heartless and frankly pointless.

You don't highlight what you want from us....

So I gave you something to think about.

Put me down on the side of the BF.

[pureinheart]

Personally, I think it's about not being able to commit more than anything, or not wanting to. Also there might be areas where the R with MM are intriguing, and ego boost, rush...yes, addiction.

 

FF to if your BF found out and you lost him, always think of that and that might help letting go of MM...remember sex without intimacy equals zero...simply not worth it....good luck to you...

[whichwayisup]

You need to break up with your boyfriend. What you're doing is totally unfair and selfish! Talk about having your cake and eating it too.

 

Don't you think your bf deserves a girlfriend who is only going to love him? You may "love" your bf, but you certainly have no qualms in enjoying something on the side.

 

Also, you're exposing him to STD's. HOW do YOU know that your MM isn't sleeping with other OW as well?

 

I just don't want anything to get back to my bf

 

Why? Because you're afraid to face your own consquences and lose him? Have to talk to him and see and deal with his pain? Admit you're a cheater and selfish? Sorry to be harsh but you know exactly what you're doing and the more you lie and hide this, the more damage is going to happen in the future.

[jnd2009]

The open relationship idea came up about a year ago. I was my bf's first, and he wanted to "experiment", but he doesn't want to lose me. We tried to work something out, but the small details are where we disagreed- it never really went any further. After our last talk about it we said something about a "one person, one night"- where we each have one person, and neither of us talk about the experience. We basically said it was "permission" for one night. I let it go after that for a while. IDK if he would tell me if he has, but he claims he hasn't done anything. He also has told me that he wants to "get it out of the way now" because down the road he doesn't want to cheat on me and not tell me (his dad cheated on his mom, him and the OW are still together today).

 

What do I want? That is a good question. I don't want to leave my bf. I don't want a relationship with the MM. I don't need to hook up with him, it's only a want. I know this doesn't justify anything- but it's not very frequent either- maybe once every month or 2 I see him, and we don't do something every time I see him either. I honestly thought we were going into the "only friends" zone the last time I saw him- but my un-madeup mind changed again.

 

I have been tested since I've been with MM. You're right- I don't know if he's with anyone else. I don't think so, but of course he probably wouldn't tell me.

 

I was willing to put all of it behind me- I got over it and didn't care to mess with him anymore. I think what got me going this time was the flirty texts (which I noticed when we got together the other night he was a lot more forward than he normally is with me too- normally he only wants me to please him- aka a BJ- we've only actually had sex 4 times)

 

With the open relationship again- I really would not care if my bf "experienced" what he wanted. Obviously I also can't get mad at him if he did it behind my back. He thinks he'd have trouble finding someone that wants to hook up with him like that. Of course if it was some random person I'd be a little worried- on my end I've known this guy for years.

 

I think I "wrote back" to what everyone had to say. More comments are still welcome. I think my main problem is I'm "confused in the head" of what I want and what I should do. Yea, I know what I really should do, but temptation is a bitch, and like I said previously it feels like an 'addiction'.

[Hazyhead]

The open relationship idea came up about a year ago. I was my bf's first, and he wanted to "experiment", but he doesn't want to lose me. We tried to work something out, but the small details are where we disagreed- it never really went any further. After our last talk about it we said something about a "one person, one night"- where we each have one person, and neither of us talk about the experience. We basically said it was "permission" for one night. I let it go after that for a while. IDK if he would tell me if he has, but he claims he hasn't done anything. He also has told me that he wants to "get it out of the way now" because down the road he doesn't want to cheat on me and not tell me (his dad cheated on his mom, him and the OW are still together today).

 

What do I want? That is a good question. I don't want to leave my bf. I don't want a relationship with the MM. I don't need to hook up with him, it's only a want. I know this doesn't justify anything- but it's not very frequent either- maybe once every month or 2 I see him, and we don't do something every time I see him either. I honestly thought we were going into the "only friends" zone the last time I saw him- but my un-madeup mind changed again.

 

I have been tested since I've been with MM. You're right- I don't know if he's with anyone else. I don't think so, but of course he probably wouldn't tell me.

 

I was willing to put all of it behind me- I got over it and didn't care to mess with him anymore. I think what got me going this time was the flirty texts (which I noticed when we got together the other night he was a lot more forward than he normally is with me too- normally he only wants me to please him- aka a BJ- we've only actually had sex 4 times)

 

With the open relationship again- I really would not care if my bf "experienced" what he wanted. Obviously I also can't get mad at him if he did it behind my back. He thinks he'd have trouble finding someone that wants to hook up with him like that. Of course if it was some random person I'd be a little worried- on my end I've known this guy for years.

 

I think I "wrote back" to what everyone had to say. More comments are still welcome. I think my main problem is I'm "confused in the head" of what I want and what I should do. Yea, I know what I really should do, but temptation is a bitch, and like I said previously it feels like an 'addiction'.

 

I know I'm probably just not getting it, but I don't understand what you're asking... I think you need to think about what you really want. For me, I want the person that I am with to be my world, to be in that place where you don't want to cheat; that's the reason I ended my last relationship. I think if you want to stay with your BF then you should sit down and talk to him about where the hell you both stand because you sound very confused. Perhaps quit it with the MM whilst you work out where you're headed, or want to be headed, with your BF and if that relationship isn't for you, cut him loose and let him get his experience too.

[Fallen Angel]

so your relationship with this married man consists of you performing oral sex on him, with no real emotional connection or desire for such?

 

I would say you are just bored in your bed at home and need to focus some of your sexual energy towards your SO. I am sure if you texted your SO with flirty little texts and the promise of "no reciprocation required" oral sex, you would get some pretty hot and sexy texts back. Then you wouldn't "need" to fulfill your addiction with MM. I think it is the secrecy and the "dirty" nature that you percieve this affair to have that excite you, not the MM in particular.

 

Also, you sound fairly young, and it may be that you are wanting to "test the waters" before making a lifetime commitment. You have been with your SO for five years, and I am sure that knowing that other men still find you sexy is very flattering to your ego. Tell your SO your needs, I am sure if he loves you he will rise to the occasion.

[jnd2009]

"so your relationship with this married man consists of you performing oral sex on him, with no real emotional connection or desire for such?"

 

-I have no desire to be with him in any way other than having fun, sexual experiences with him. (Don't know if that clarified it or not).

 

 

I really don't want to leave my boyfriend. Like I said we've been together for 5 years (yes you're correct- I'm young! Almost 23, bf is 25, MM is 32). Anyways, even if my bf proposed to me- I'd say yes in a heartbeat. Everyone's always asking when we're getting married. And yes, I'm 99% sure I would stop with MM if we (bf and I) were engaged. MM says his ending point is when he's done with school and ready to start a family (with his W of course).

 

I do want to sit down and talk to my bf about things. We are actually buying a house now (only in his name, I'm moving in though obviously). I feel like we even act more of friends than bf and gf. I actually just told bf today we need to do something this weekend just him and I- I feel we never have fun alone time unless we're doing something in bed or literally sleeping next to each other. I'm actually wondering now what it would be like to "take a break" and let him get what he wanted- other experiences. Honestly it's making me tear up thinking of not having bf with me. I guess I should talk to him about working out the open relationship idea?

 

t's not that I'm looking for "companionship" with anyone else. I have a lot of guy friends, not just MM that I talk to about a lot of things going on in life. When it comes to sex- here's the part even my best friend doesn't understand: bf is amazing in bed, larger than average too. MM is OK to "eh" in bed, and quite small. Honestly, it's not even worth it, but for some reason I still want it. Talk about making it even more confusing!

 

Also with saying to focus energy on SO rather than MM, SO and I have sex I'd say at least once a week. It's not like I completely cut off bf to be with MM.

And yes, I do like that other men find me sexy still. The other weird thing (and I guess good thing) is I don't hop in bed with just any guy who thinks that. MM has been the only guy I have ever even considered doing something like this with.

I should start texting my bf the way I do MM, that should help get my feet going in the right direction!

 

Also with experimenting, bf and I have done a lot of experimenting It's him actually hooking up with another girl that he'd like to happen. I was his first and only. He was not mine. He doesn't want a relationship with another girl "or the intimacy" with her- he just wants to experience what it's like being with someone else.

 

Well I think I wrote back to what you mostly had to say. Sorry if it was at all confusing, I jumped back and forth in editing the paragraphs. I look forward to you writing back Good night!

[jnd2009]

PS- After reading what I just posted- I appreciate everyone helping out with getting my thoughts flowing of what I really want. It helps writing it all out and getting outside opinions. Night!!

[fooled once]

Hey- it's been a while since I posted on here. Been busy with school.

I have to get this off my chest, and anonymously on here is best.

I've kept in contact with my MM still, basically as friends. When we talked, anything that happened between us almost never came up. I guess here's some background before I continue since it's been a while....

 

been with BF for 5 years, met MM at the place we both used to work at. Didn't hang out outside of work till after he quit- last summer. We've messed around a lot- but only fun sex and nothing more. He's married, and we both don't want to leave our relationships (I have no desire to start a relationship with him). On my end, it started when bf suggested an open relationship. This has been the only guy I've ever considered messing with on the side. I know many of you disapprove, but I need to get this off my chest.

 

So anyways, IDK what got into me but talking to him this week escalated into meeting up and "having fun". I don't know what it is about him and why I randomly want him (and only for "sexual purposes"). There are times when I can't believe I messed with him and don't want him at all- there are other times I go crazy thinking about messing with him. The best word I can say is it's an addiction.

 

Don't get me wrong- I do love my bf, I do want to be with him, and we do still have an active sex life. I just still don't know what to think about all of this. Like I said there are times where I'm like "I'm done" (which has been a lot recently up till this week). IDK, any comments are welcome. I just don't want anything to get back to my bf (the part where most of you don't approve). My best friend knows I've slept with MM before, as hard as I try not to tell her- I still do. I'm trying not to let this time be known, hence the reason I'm writing a book on here. I'll stop- LOL, like I said comments are welcome....good night!

 

I don't believe your love your BF. If you did, you wouldn't sleep around with anyone. I love my H and it has never occurred to me to cheat on him and I work with mainly men. Many are attractive and I have been flirted with, but I love my H very much and I would never (and yes, I can saw NEVER) do that.

 

I also don't believe the excuse you have of 'addiction'. Addictions are things that are normally done every day or need to be done daily. You are doing this at random.

 

You do this because you can - you enjoy sneaking around, you enjoy the thrill of it, you like knowing you can have sex with someone else's spouse.

 

As for telling your friend - that is called boasting. you are proud of what you have done and need to share it. I hope she tells your BF because he deserves someone who won't cheat on him, someone who is honest with him and someone who can be faithful to him.