AgeOfUninnocence Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I know, I know, another "Should I wish my ex a happy birthday?" thread. But hear me out please, and then help me out. My ex's birthday is coming up in a couple days. We'll have been broken up for a month and a half after dating for 9 months, and after being good friends for 7 months prior. We will also be in our longest period of NC so far, 25 days. Our last contact was him saying he doesn't want to argue, and me responding that I don't want to argue either, I just wish he'd have talked and been honest with me. Then he never responded. I've been thinking about this way more than I should have, and I know the pros and cons of why I want to wish him happy birthday. So why would I want to wish him happy birthday? -Because I'm a nice person and I wish people happy birthday. During my ex's last birthday, we weren't dating yet but we were close friends who still hadn't admitted their crushes on each other, and I was angry at him for something and we'd kind of had a small fight, but regardless, I made him a card and wished him happy birthday even though I was mad at him that day. -Because my ex started dating someone extremely quickly after dumping me (or he left me for her. That's what we were arguing about in our last conversation. I thought he left me for her and he kept saying that's not what happened), and this new girl dumped him in less than a month. After hiding his relationship status with her on facebook because he wanted to tell me himself in person, he put it up once I found out. After being dumped, he completely hid all his relationship stuff on facebook once again. He's also claiming he's "excited to be single." Well no. If he was really excited to be single then he wouldn't have dated that other girl immediately after me. But anyway, me and our close friends think he's probably really embarassed and ashamed, so probably even afraid to talk to me. Me saying happy birthday would give him an opportunity to talk to me and stop being ashamed. And why shouldn't I wish him happy birthday? -Because I'm in my longest period of NC yet. I did it for 10 days, broke it, then another 5 days, broke it again, and on his birthday I'll be on 25 days. Why should I throw that away and be a good person when the only response I'll get could just be "Thanks" or even yet, nothing at all? -Because it might piss him off that I totally ignored his birthday. Make him wonder. And then maybe he'll contact me, or even just eventually realize his regrets for dumping an awesome girl like me. I asked a guy friend, and he said that if it were him, not acknowledging his birthday would really make him wonder. -Because my ex cried and cried, saying, "I really want to still be your friend. I know everyone says that, but I really mean it when I say I really really still wanna be your friend." And he has never been the one initiating the contact since then. So, fellow LSers, what do you think? Should I wish the ex a happy birthday or not? I've been polling a few friends, and so far I've gotten 3 votes for ignore his birthday, and 2 votes for acknowledge it.
JaneDoe35 Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 No way!!! It will make him feel good and you will feel worse....
spriggig Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Stay in NC. The point of NC is that you are "moving on with your life" without him. You want him to be pissed that you didn't "remember" his birthday--the implication being that he isn't important to you anymore. You can't appear to be pursuing him AT ALL--the second he perceives he still has you on the hook, any desire/insecurity will vanish and he'll let you go again. Stay in NC at all costs, for yourself and for any chance of reconciliation.
Weird Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Don't waste your time on the happy bday stuff. I have done that and really, it is silly. It's just a way to try and keep in touch and appear all nice and thoughtful. Chances are the other person will believe you are thinking about them anyway so no need to do it. If I could go back in time and not do the bday wish deal I would.
Ilovecake Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Think about this logically: Here are the reasons why you shouldn’t: He threw you away like a used pair of socks and got himself a new pair but you want him to have a happy birthday. Why is it important to you that his day be happy?Sounds like you’re just looking for any excuse to break NC and you want someone to tell you it’s OK because after all it’s his special day.Hiding his Facebook relationship status is not a selfless act. You’re putting him up on a pedestal.He is not really embarrassed and ashamed, you’re just making excuses for him keeping NC.He probably does not care to hear from you and you will only embarrass yourself by breaking NC and end up feeling worse. Keep your dignity.Reasons why you should say happy birthday:NONEI can tell you are extremely young, 9 months is a blip on the map, not really even long enough to develop a relationship with someone. You owe him nothing.
mrkleen Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Hows this. Do what you think is right. I think a mature adult can wish an ex happy birthday - and have it be nothing more than that. But that is just me. If you can do it without hope that it will rekindle things - without hope that he will see you in a new light because of your card or note - if you can do it fully aware that it probably will not make a bit of difference to the outcome - then DO IT. Otherwise, stay in NC. I have sent my ex a card 3 weeks after the break up -and 6 months later, she told me I was the only one who sent her a card....and we are now back together, stronger than ever. But again...you have to do what you think is right. Only you know if this will hurt you, or is just a harmless note in the mail.
OOReeee Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 My answer would be no. The reason is pretty simple. The breakup is still really fresh and I feel like you are in a point in your life that reseting the NC days (and 25 is a lot and admirable), might get you back to square 1, or at least way back. If it was 6-12 months after the break up, then a casual "happy birthday" will be alright. now? no. I know it's tempting, but try to restrain yourself. Even change his name on the phone to "don't wish me happy bday" or something. In the long term, it'll work out.
jude007 Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Im gonna be on the fence here..... Ive actually just been dumped - she ended an engagement and life with me.... however we have "tried to make it work" alot of times, in 7 years, and ended up splitting up....a year, year and a half... etc... it depends on the person I guess.... Its actually my birthday today - i expect after all the years she will text - thats her style..... but I actually after the way we ended will be surprised if she did.... in my situation we lived, engaged, and spent 7 yrs together. but the way i finally see it - when someone walks out of your life - you have to prepare yourself for the worst - or you do that to the person... if you care then txt - it to me is an adult thing to do - just as if you saw them in a bar.... hey happy birthday....
adamt Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 dont do it, if you get a response it will give you false hope. if you dont get a response you will feel sad because you wil have been hoping for a response. in the end a birthday card will not be the deciding decision if they want to come back
LovelyDaze Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 All of these great LS members CAN'T be wrong. NO! You do not owe someone who broke your heart a Happy Birthday anything. It won't show your a bigger person, it would just tell the ex that you are still hung up on them. That is all they will see through their ego-colored glasses.
brokenH Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 dont do it, if you get a response it will give you false hope. if you dont get a response you will feel sad because you wil have been hoping for a response. in the end a birthday card will not be the deciding decision if they want to come back thats exactly what i was thinking when my ex sent the txt last week. i knew she was trying to give me false hope by showing that she still cares for me and remembers my bday. its all mind games when it comes to my ex. dont txt happy bday.
jude007 Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Well, as mentioned it was my birthday - and I got a txt from the ex - it really brought it all back been split up 3 weeks now. 7 yrs birthdays come to mind. I just txtd back - thanks that nice . **** I wish I didnt love her so much...... Sitting in my office -door shut - and cant stop thinking about her now..... wish she didnt but guess glad she did! Have strength out there folks!
looseleaf2004 Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 you'll make a bigger statement by ignoring her b-day altogether. You are too busy, having too much fun to be remember her b-day. Just keep that in mind. Stay NC!
Ilovecake Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 (edited) Well, as mentioned it was my birthday - and I got a txt from the ex - it really brought it all back been split up 3 weeks now. 7 yrs birthdays come to mind. I just txtd back - thanks that nice . **** I wish I didnt love her so much...... Sitting in my office -door shut - and cant stop thinking about her now..... wish she didnt but guess glad she did! Have strength out there folks! So if this Happy Birthday is now tearing you up so bad that you can't stop thinking about your ex and can’t concentrate on work why would you give the author of this thread the advice that he should send a card? Are you just trying to be cruel? Edited March 18, 2010 by Ilovecake
Author AgeOfUninnocence Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 So if this Happy Birthday is now tearing you up so bad that you can't stop thinking about your ex and can’t concentrate on work why would you give the author of this thread the advice that he should send a card? Are you just trying to be cruel? Actually I just wanted to send a text saying "Happy birthday" and I'm a girl, my ex is the guy. But it's all good. Thanks for the firm opinions on keeping my NC. I know that's truly the way to go, and even though I should not be using NC in the hopes of getting my ex back at all, thinking that slightly does motivate me to stick with NC and see how he likes having me out of his life. And who knows, maybe the fact that last year I still made him a card even when I was mad at him may make ignoring his birthday this year all the most frustrating... But ah well! NC is for the best. Ignore the bday it is. Although his birthday hasn't happened yet... I may get weak as the day gets closer, so if that happens you all will just have to kick my butt into shape.
Ilovecake Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Oops sorry and I even changed it from she to he. If you feel tempted to reach out just post here on his birthday.
Author AgeOfUninnocence Posted March 19, 2010 Author Posted March 19, 2010 I'm really frustrated this afternoon. I was just thinking about our past relationship and how I put so much into it, and now it's like he just took everything and walked away, and the fact that I still haven't heard from him pisses me off. Which of course, should only make NC and ignoring his bday easier. I guess it's just really hard to understand how someone can just wake up one day and completely forget about everything you had and everything you gave for them. I know my ex would have been a totally different and less cool person if we never went out. He lacked some confidence, went out with me, went to college, and apparently got a whole heck of a lot. I guess I'm just also pissed that the last time I saw him was a month before we broke up, due to distance. Just really frustrated, but getting it out here helps
Ilovecake Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 Sometimes just talking (or typing) about it is very therapeutic. Coming here has definitely put things in perspective for me. For one I realized I'm not a special case and my relationship and bond with my ex were no stronger or different than hundreds of people here. Actually I was shocked as how similar the stories were. It's funny now to see the newly broken hearted say things like "yeah but were special, we clicked so much I just know we were meant for each other, we were so bonded". Everyone’s relationship was special it wouldn’t hurt if it wasn’t. The other thing that really helped me is reading a lot of articles and books on the subject of relationships, commitment and love. Some were good some really sucked but I took away a little more knowledge every time. I came to realize that we put extremely unrealistic expectations for our happiness on other people. Not only that but we try to mold them to fit our ideals of what we think a relationship should be. I suggest if you can pick up a copy of Psychology Today (my favorite magazine these days) and read this. The Expectations Trap – Why we’re conditioned to blame our partners for our unhappiness. http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201003/the-expectations-trap the link has a small part of the article.
Author AgeOfUninnocence Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 That's very true. Everyone's relationship was very special. It's just a shame the dumper stopped feeling that way! Well I've kept my NC and I'm feeling good, except for the part where I'm still kind of mad that he doesn't even bother to try and contact me after crying and begging to be friends. I suppose this is a step up though. I don't feel the desire to contact him at all, but I just always wish he'd contact me. So going off that... Has anyone ever experienced that ignoring an ex's birthday gets them wondering and prompts them to contact you? I mean it's been weeks since we've talked to each other. After all the devotion I showed him in the relationship, wouldn't suddenly completely ignoring them on their special day prompt some interest and curiosity? Or even hurt that you didn't reach out?
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