quarterlifecrisis Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Hoping to get some advice (especially from the guys) out there. I've been broken up for about 7 months now, with NC for about 4-5 months. I have recovered tremendously, but definitely still have my down moments. I've realized that I think about her often when I FAIL with other women. I think it's a cyclical, downward spiraling process. I used to be much more confident with women, especially when I was with her. Multiple girls approached me and asked me to break up with her to be with them. Since being single and heartbroken though, I've lost my edge. I am not as confident, and I think deep down I'm afraid to expose myself. I'm also afraid of "downgrading" because I'm desperate. So for one reason or another, I'm failing with all the new women I meet. Might be a bit of self sabotage too... I am hitting on girls mostly that I consider almost as hot to hotter than her. Usually, I hit it off pretty well on the initial encounter. However, come follow up time for the first or second dates, I choke. I act awkward, less confident, almost afraid of getting hurt. Very unattractive to a woman...I'm not sure how to fix this. I think I'm definitely putting a lot of pressure on myself to make it work, because I feel as if getting in a new relationship (or at least hooking up with a few girls) will put the nails in the coffin and I'll be 100% over her. However, because I'm not 100% over her and have new insecurities, I seem to keep f@#$ing up my encounters. Today, I went through the list and there are 8-9 fairly high quality chicks that I attracted/made out with/got phone numbers, but then from there, I couldn't advance the encounters. And when I mess up, I invariably think about how much I miss the ex and "why is this so hard now?", "I'm not as worthy as I used to be", "I still have feelings for her"...BS. Then I get depressed for a day or more, and it takes awhile to want to give it another shot with new girls. This optimistic/pessimistic cycle has been happening for 3 months now. So the question is...how do I break the chicken and egg cycle. I want to get my confidence way up again (permanently), start dating one or more high quality women, and completely bury her in the dirt. Beyond the usual positive affirmations, getting buff, dressing nice stuff...anyone have any ideas on how to break the mental block? I know I have a lot of great attributes (I'm smart and successful, I have a killer 6pack, I'm charismatic/funny, I'm decently tall/goodlooking, I treat women well) but this lack of confidence and/or fear is KILLING me on the dating scene.
mikeymad Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Fake it until you make it. You're using these girls as a means to get over your ex, not a person of their own. The reason is you're trying to hit a homerun without ever seeing a pitch. Work on the friendship aspect with these women and make it be casual. If everything goes well great, if not, they usually have hot friends that they'd like to introduce you to. Besides, don't worry about "downgrading". Would you rather be with a smoking hot, high maintainance girl, or a cool down to earth girl who isn't tipping the attractive charts? Concentrate on hitting singles. (do not confuse with first base). Nice and slow and easy. Of course you were confident...you had x and you didn't need them. Now you are focused on getting past her by using these other women, and they smell your desperation, because you want to get past this at warp speed. Also sounds like you want to make x jealous by "upgrading".
USMCHokie Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I've been broken up for about 7 months now, with NC for about 4-5 months. I have recovered tremendously, but definitely still have my down moments. I've realized that I think about her often when I FAIL with other women. This is EXACTLY me...so I just stopped trying to date...
rand0m Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I agree with mikeymad. You're putting too much pressure on yourself. You have to "not care", so to speak. Instead of looking at these girls in a relationship sense, view them as potential friends. Get to know them on a more of a friendship level, and you won't feel that pressure anymore. You'll be able to be yourself, have fun, and worry less. After a while, you might make a connection beyond just a friendship level, and you can go from there. If not, then at least you've made a good friend. It always happens when you're not looking.
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