sumdude Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 (edited) Here's the double edged sword of it all. i had this happen recently. Spent some time getting to know a woman. We got along fairly well. Time was invested, her feelings for me were growing. Then we had sex... and I felt very little chemistry in that department. I had to end it.. she felt bad. I didn't like doing it. I didn't really want to tell her it was a sex thing because that could have hurt even more. Anyhow a couple months later she got in touch. We ended up hanging out and hooking up again. I thought maybe I jumped the gun and should give it another try.. same result. This time she was hurt even more and probably hates my guts now. Her perspective is probably that I was just a player who once he had sex dropped her. My perspective is I gave it two tries and just wasn't feeling it. Sometimes relationships are just hard. So I could have strung her along just to have someone.. and eventually dumped her later and she would have hurt even more. But I didn't. So what's better? Create a strong emotional bond with someone holding out on sex for a long time only to find that it doesn't work? Or find out fairly early if you're compatible in that department. Sex is the difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship. Tough call. Edited March 17, 2010 by sumdude
sumdude Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Yes, for 'some', perhaps 'many', and, from historical data, those are the men women are dating and marry, so hence drive the dynamic. I would dare opine that a man (or a woman, for that matter) who is satisfied sexually can put up with a lot of other 'incompatibilities'. Too true.. been there done that. When little head is really happy and does the thinking big brain can yell and scream all it wants sometimes! So now I'm divorced. Lesson learned.
carhill Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Is it possible to discern another's perspective on sex and sexual 'style' without penises and vaginas merging? To me it's about compatible sexual styles. Where there are two people who merge their parts early because that's how they determine sexual style and compatibility, that's their path. Mismatching one of them with someone of a different mindset and style would be incompatible at an elemental level. I think such nuances can be communicated and discerned. I often read her on LS about ex'es who 'get together' sexually even though they both hate each other outside of sex, in their words 'because the sex is hot'. How healthy is that, and, if it is, why are they posting about it?
mrkleen Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 (edited) So what's better? Create a strong emotional bond with someone holding out on sex for a long time only to find that it doesn't work? Or find out fairly early if you're compatible in that department. Sex is the difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship. Tough call. Some day when you are old and gray.....I hope you remember this great person that you discarded for such a superficial reason. Sex gets better with time and intimacy. Anything you experience upfront is based on animal emotion and you both being on your best behavior. I highly doubt you will be as good in bed at 45 or 50 as you are now. But I bet you will be wishing you had a good person, good cook, good friend there beside you. Giving up a good person because she wasnt great in bed is such a shallow, superficial excuse. Good luck with that karma bro. Edited March 17, 2010 by mrkleen
carhill Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Giving up a good person because she wasnt great in bed is such a shallow, superficial excuse. Good luck with that karma bro. Yeah, at 50 and divorcing, there's no doubt sexual intimacy is still an important part of being a couple, but I did have to address the other 'parts' in MC and that was where I put it all in perspective. If we had been overwhelmingly compatible outside the bedroom (sexual intimacy), I doubt either of us would have given up on the marriage. BTW, one can be a 'good person' and be incompatible with another person. The key is achieving this clarity early. Personally, that's why I hold off on sex until I develop a sense of that compatibility. Nothing is perfect and people do change but, like I said prior, we each have our path. History and life will prove it to be healthy for us, or not. Enjoy the journey
Crazy Magnet Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I'm pretty sure I know if I'm going to "feel" the guy before Tab A goes into Slot B. So poster up there who took a girl for a test drive TWICE, not nice. That does make you a player. You knew you didn't feel it the first time, why on earth would you go back!! Plus, who actually has totally hot awesome sex every time with a new partner. Sex only gets better as the relationship progresses, the sex you start off with is not the same sex you'll be having in a year b/c the couple knows each others wants and needs so much better. Relationships don't have to go from kissing to sex with no in between. Why not take the time and suss out compatibility by playing around in other intimate ways. Actual sex might be delayed a whole week or two (oh gasp!) but you don't really end up having a bunch of crappy sex that way. There are plenty of men out there who are ok with this.
sumdude Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Some day when you are old and gray.....I hope you remember this great person that you discarded for such a superficial reason. Sex gets better with time and intimacy. Anything you experience upfront is based on animal emotion and you both being on your best behavior. I highly doubt you will be as good in bed at 45 or 50 as you are now. But I bet you will be wishing you had a good person, good cook, good friend there beside you. Giving up a good person because she wasnt great in bed is such a shallow, superficial excuse. Good luck with that karma bro. Pretty harsh there man. There was more to it than that but I suppose you were there and knew everything that happened? Yes I think sexual chemistry is important in a lasting relationship. It isn't the most important thing but it has to be there. At 42 having been married then divorced and through a lot of other things in life I've learned to trust my instincts.
sumdude Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I'm pretty sure I know if I'm going to "feel" the guy before Tab A goes into Slot B. So poster up there who took a girl for a test drive TWICE, not nice. That does make you a player. You knew you didn't feel it the first time, why on earth would you go back!! Plus, who actually has totally hot awesome sex every time with a new partner. Sex only gets better as the relationship progresses, the sex you start off with is not the same sex you'll be having in a year b/c the couple knows each others wants and needs so much better. Relationships don't have to go from kissing to sex with no in between. Why not take the time and suss out compatibility by playing around in other intimate ways. Actual sex might be delayed a whole week or two (oh gasp!) but you don't really end up having a bunch of crappy sex that way. There are plenty of men out there who are ok with this. Look the point of my post is that I shouldn't have gone back the second time. I should have gone with my instincts the first time! I didn't like how it all went down. Another lesson learned. Getting back into dating after a divorce is learning process all over again. So to answer the OP yeah.. times sure have changed. Just ten years ago it seemed like a whole different ball game. C'mon, who here has never made the mistake of going back into a relationship you already had left hoping maybe you were wrong about it? Well? Are we all not human fer crissakes?
Crazy Magnet Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 C'mon, who here has never made the mistake of going back into a relationship you already had left hoping maybe you were wrong about it? Well? Are we all not human fer crissakes? For me, once it's over, it's completely over. It's so mean to put yourself and that other person through the heart ache twice. I can't be that mean.
threebyfate Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Is it wrong to expect a person to be in a committed relationship with you (calling your their gf or bf) prior to sex? In a case of wanting a committed relationship..not casual, not fwb, ( a real relationship). (For my future reference) Secondly, I was disappointed when looking online at profiles. I was tempted to pay for the service and then I saw what I could be looking at..it didn't look too promising. UGH! I read some profiles and there are words like "see where it goes" well i have found out this doesn't mean "I'm ready to settle down". just my experience Why oh why is dating so difficult. People just don't want relationships anymore or something.I sincerely wonder if it's part of the online dating mentality. While there are decent individuals available, it sounds like there are a lot of time wasters who use online dating sites, many who are sex addicts. Better to spend more time meeting people IRL by getting involved with more social activities, through expanding your social network with more friends, who have friends.
sumdude Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 For me, once it's over, it's completely over. It's so mean to put yourself and that other person through the heart ache twice. I can't be that mean. Well good for you. For me? I guess hindsight is 20/20 right?
carhill Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 OP, is a man who does not immediately pursue you sexually attractive or unattractive to you? Think back amongst all the men you've interacted with, dated, or married/LTR'ed. Amongst them, how many did not immediately pursue you sexually? IME, the two most clear impetuses to ladies look for the exit is, one, not pursuing them sexually immediately and, two, being clear that, as a man, I'm looking for a committed and loving relationship. The builder needs to install more exits. What women say they 'want' and what they're 'attracted to' are very different things, in my personal life experience. Hopefully, one day, I'll meet one whose 'want' and 'attraction' match up. In that sense, in my 30+ years of 'adulthood', women, IME, have not changed.
mrkleen Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Pretty harsh there man. There was more to it than that but I suppose you were there and knew everything that happened? Yes I think sexual chemistry is important in a lasting relationship. It isn't the most important thing but it has to be there. At 42 having been married then divorced and through a lot of other things in life I've learned to trust my instincts. Obviously I wasn’t there….and my reply may have been a bit harsh. But at this point in your life, it is VERY SUPERFICIAL for you to put sex so high on your list. It is important, but again – good sex comes from intimacy, not mechanics. You can get a machine to bang your girl perfectly every time….does that make it better than you in bed? From a technical stand point…probably. But there is more to it than that. Would have figured you got that by 42.
sumdude Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Obviously I wasn’t there….and my reply may have been a bit harsh. But at this point in your life, it is VERY SUPERFICIAL for you to put sex so high on your list. It is important, but again – good sex comes from intimacy, not mechanics. You can get a machine to bang your girl perfectly every time….does that make it better than you in bed? From a technical stand point…probably. But there is more to it than that. Would have figured you got that by 42. I though it was superficial the first time. Hence why i tried again.. mistake. There's more to chemistry than mechanics. All I know is something was missing for me. Don't want to go down the road of trying to make something work that isn't working from the start. Been down that road. Seen enough threads about someone deciding to end a marriage because the sex isn't good and never really was but they tried to make it work anyway.
mrkleen Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I though it was superficial the first time. Hence why i tried again.. mistake. There's more to chemistry than mechanics. All I know is something was missing for me. Don't want to go down the road of trying to make something work that isn't working from the start. Been down that road. Seen enough threads about someone deciding to end a marriage because the sex isn't good and never really was but they tried to make it work anyway. Fair enough. Good luck finding Ms Perfect.
Tnerforireyeh Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 quit ripping on the guy. He wanted to get laid, big deal. For me, the first sex is always the best sex; after I know a girl well I'm just not as turned on. But then again my personality type is STRONGLY drawn to novel situations--I have a new hobby every week. YMMV.
sumdude Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 IME, the two most clear impetuses to ladies look for the exit is, one, not pursuing them sexually immediately and, two, being clear that, as a man, I'm looking for a committed and loving relationship. The builder needs to install more exits. What women say they 'want' and what they're 'attracted to' are very different things, in my personal life experience. Hopefully, one day, I'll meet one whose 'want' and 'attraction' match up. In that sense, in my 30+ years of 'adulthood', women, IME, have not changed. Funny thing though.. sometimes when you don't peruse or even think about them sexually much? They come after you instead. Happens to me more often that way.. out of the blue. Makes life fun.. I like surprises.
Tnerforireyeh Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 But at this point in your life, it is VERY SUPERFICIAL for you to put sex so high on your list. It is important, but again – good sex comes from intimacy, not mechanics. Wow, congratulations on knowing what's best for everyone! That's quite a talent.
carhill Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Funny thing though.. sometimes when you don't peruse or even think about them sexually much? They come after you instead. Happens to me more often that way.. out of the blue. Makes life fun.. I like surprises.Happy to hear of such successes, but, IME, the 'come after' has predominantly been a function of ego feeding/boosting rather than sincere interest. Time reveals all truths and is also something one has less and less of every day. Happy to see a change in circumstances to more align with your positive experiences. So far, and having a smattering of them as a divorcing man, no joy.
txsilkysmoothe Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Here's the double edged sword of it all. i had this happen recently. Spent some time getting to know a woman. We got along fairly well. Time was invested, her feelings for me were growing. Then we had sex... and I felt very little chemistry in that department. I had to end it.. she felt bad. I didn't like doing it. I didn't really want to tell her it was a sex thing because that could have hurt even more. Anyhow a couple months later she got in touch. We ended up hanging out and hooking up again. I thought maybe I jumped the gun and should give it another try.. same result. This time she was hurt even more and probably hates my guts now. Her perspective is probably that I was just a player who once he had sex dropped her. My perspective is I gave it two tries and just wasn't feeling it. Sometimes relationships are just hard. So I could have strung her along just to have someone.. and eventually dumped her later and she would have hurt even more. But I didn't. So what's better? Create a strong emotional bond with someone holding out on sex for a long time only to find that it doesn't work? Or find out fairly early if you're compatible in that department. Sex is the difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship. Tough call. I'm not going to attack you. I can understand how this situation can occur. However, I am curious - Can't the chemistry be determined from making out, fooling around, those things people do before going all the way? Can you have chemistry during "making out" and yet not have it during "sex?" Or, are you saying she was a bad lover, didn't like the same acts, etc.? Just trying to learn here..................
tigressA Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I can suss out whether or not I find a guy sexually attractive pretty much immediately, and that is the driving force that makes me want to get to know him more. If we're basically compatible, the sexual attraction becomes that much more intense and I see him as potential relationship material; if we're not, then the attraction shrinks. I definitely think that everyone needs to make their needs/wants clear before becoming intimate. If you want to be exclusive before sex, say so. If you want to remain casual and date/sleep with other people, say so. Don't just assume that sex means commitment. That way leads to major-league pain and frustration.
calizaggy Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I think most men (atleast I do) usually know within 5 minutes what role a woman CAN play in their lives.. Marriage material, girlfriend, just sex. Marriage material a guy is willing to wait for sex.. The other 2, the guy wants sex quickly. If you have sex quickly with no committment, do not blame the guy for seeing others, not really being into you etc. That was your choice. Until a man is ready to settle down, he might want to spend plenty of time sampling various women. It is VERY easy these days with internet dating.. A guy can have a different type of woman every night of the week. older, younger, skinny, big breasted, Asian, etc etc.. Long story short, many guys are traditional, but you need to be "better" than other women.. Be someone he can view as a life partner instead of the stereotypical selfish/indepndent/materialistic type.
Mr White Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Obviously I wasn’t there….and my reply may have been a bit harsh. But at this point in your life, it is VERY SUPERFICIAL for you to put sex so high on your list. It is important, but again – good sex comes from intimacy, not mechanics. You can get a machine to bang your girl perfectly every time….does that make it better than you in bed? From a technical stand point…probably. But there is more to it than that. Would have figured you got that by 42. Hmm, I have to agree with this... Sex with my gf was mediocre for the longest time; I think it is much better now that we've been together long enough. It's a pretty crude indicator of the quality of the relationship. That said, I don't agree that much with the commitment before sex concept (not these days anyway). As Carhil said, if you don't pursue a woman sexually she will friendzone you (no matter what she says). Conversely, there is little motivation in getting to know her unless you are at least having sex. So, it can keep you together while you get to know each other, and after. But beyond that, it's really not a reliable indication of what's going on in a relationship. you can have a mind-blowing sex in a terribly dysfuncitonal relationship, and a mediocre one in a pretty good relationship.
Author Lucky555 Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 yes i agree do make sure to say you want exclusivity but i have found out in my last experience dating a guy this did not mean RELATIONSHIP, it meant just sex to him. It was very weird and it took me awhile to figure out what was going on. I thought exclusivity meant gf/bf more involved in your life.OH NO! was I wrong. I think I will be better off finding someone who I am compatible with. I just read a post on here saying the girl was introduced to the guys family, friends, and they do things together...They are not exclusive nor had they had sex. I guess I am a bit more confused with dating now. The only thing I can conclude after reading posts is that there has to be a TALK about what you want and what the other person wants and how things will proceed. I really think it will save the heartache and wasted time. I really used to believe let things happen naturally but every time its been a dating wreck. "sigh"
Mr White Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I think most men (atleast I do) usually know within 5 minutes what role a woman CAN play in their lives.. Marriage material, girlfriend, just sex. Marriage material a guy is willing to wait for sex.. The other 2, the guy wants sex quickly. If you have sex quickly with no committment, do not blame the guy for seeing others, not really being into you etc. That was your choice. Until a man is ready to settle down, he might want to spend plenty of time sampling various women. It is VERY easy these days with internet dating.. A guy can have a different type of woman every night of the week. older, younger, skinny, big breasted, Asian, etc etc.. Long story short, many guys are traditional, but you need to be "better" than other women.. Be someone he can view as a life partner instead of the stereotypical selfish/indepndent/materialistic type. There is only one correct answer - Asian !
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