Lucky555 Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Is it wrong to expect a person to be in a committed relationship with you (calling your their gf or bf) prior to sex? In a case of wanting a committed relationship..not casual, not fwb, ( a real relationship). (For my future reference) Secondly, I was disappointed when looking online at profiles. I was tempted to pay for the service and then I saw what I could be looking at..it didn't look too promising. UGH! I read some profiles and there are words like "see where it goes" well i have found out this doesn't mean "I'm ready to settle down". just my experience Why oh why is dating so difficult. People just don't want relationships anymore or something.
Tnerforireyeh Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Well, MEN don't want relationships anymore. There is no "wrong" in the dating world. You can expect whatever you want. One poster here expects the guy to be exclusive before she'll even kiss him. The question is, will you attract anyone with this? I can go into a Porsche dealership and tell the salesman I want a car for $50 and that I won't pay a penny more. But I'm going to walk out of that showroom with no car.
spiral1 Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Well, MEN don't want relationships anymore. There is no "wrong" in the dating world. You can expect whatever you want. One poster here expects the guy to be exclusive before she'll even kiss him. The question is, will you attract anyone with this? I can go into a Porsche dealership and tell the salesman I want a car for $50 and that I won't pay a penny more. But I'm going to walk out of that showroom with no car. Many men do want relationships. I am one such man. Not kissing before exclusivity is extreme, but sex on the first date is extreme also. Most are somewhere in between.
marsle85 Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Kind of an incongruent analogy-- nonetheless, i'd rather be car-less than driving around in a lemon.
Tnerforireyeh Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Right, there are some people who have no need for a relationship at all. They can 'expect' whatever they want, since if they don't get it, they don't care. And there are some people who want a relationship so bad that they're willing to pay anything. Most folks are somewhere in between.
tkgirl Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I want to be in a real relationship... but with the right guy. Guess that means I got to date around 'til I find him...
Crazy Magnet Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I trend towards a commitment before sex because I'm not interested in racking up a bunch of notches on my bed post. Plus, I know that I strongly associate mushy lovey dovey feelings with sex, so once I get naked, I get super attached and I attach much quicker than if I was not getting naked. If I wait for him to commit before I sleep with him I stand a much lower risk of getting hurt and I, for one, try to avoid having my heart ripped out and stomped on.
phineas Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I'm a man. I don't want to share a woman with someone else. Went the route with my STBXW. Left a bad taste in my mouth so to speak.... I also don't get thrill from seeing multiple women at once. It's happened in the past when I meet two women in a short time span, but I can say the furthest i've ever gone in that circumstance is getting their tops off. however, If there are lots of men on dating sites looking for hookups, it stands to reason their there because there are women receptive to them. I haven't browsed the male side of dating sites so I don't know what these guys looking fr just sex look like but i'm betting their not the 30yr old living in their parents basement types.
calizaggy Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Yes, the times have changed.. It is so easy for men to get sex these days that they have no reason to settle down.. However, the right woman can still make a man wait and keep him around.. But you just need to be a bit different than the others. For me it was finding a beautiful girl that was also old fashioned.. I went out with her about 25 times with no sex, and then when we finally had sex it was much better. We will be getting married in a few months. The fact that she made me wait actually was what interested me.. So many women are so easy these days, and to me none of them were worth keeping.
mrkleen Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Not at all. You set your limits and you discuss your time frame with you man and if he isnt on board, he isnt the right guy. There were plenty of loose women in the past....and plenty of men that liked spending time with those women. I think the ratio may have shifted, but honestly that is the fault of women who give it up too easily. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.
bananaboat11 Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I WISH I could find someone who was looking for a committed relationship before sex... yeah, hooking up is ok to see if there is any sexual chemistry.. but i don't want my feelings / emotions to be blinded again by the fact I can **** her and make her squirt. i want her to fall in love with me and me to fall madly in love with her... it's not fair
ADF Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Times have certainly changed. What you're seeing is the result of a so-called "hookup culture" having almost totally supplanted traditional dating, at least for people in their 20s. For people in their 20s--especially for those in college--dating has all but disappeared. Instead, they have "hookups," one-night encounters that could lead somewhere, but usually don't.
lino Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Many men do want relationships. I am one such man. Not kissing before exclusivity is extreme, but sex on the first date is extreme also. Most are somewhere in between. I'm another such man
Mr White Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 (edited) Yes, the times have changed.. It is so easy for men to get sex these days that they have no reason to settle down.. However, the right woman can still make a man wait and keep him around.. But you just need to be a bit different than the others. For me it was finding a beautiful girl that was also old fashioned.. I went out with her about 25 times with no sex, and then when we finally had sex it was much better. We will be getting married in a few months. The fact that she made me wait actually was what interested me.. So many women are so easy these days, and to me none of them were worth keeping. Feminism, more than anything else, contributed to this. Ironically, it is the primary cause of men begining to view women as primarily as sexual objects --> very few people will want to be committed and chivalrous to a woman that likely has been dating and hooking up since the age of 16. Women are much easier to sleep with these days, but much harder to love. The other thing that turns men off from relationships are the hideous double standards in gender expectations. Women can expect the world of men, while the smallese expectation of women labels them sexis. See a summary here :laugh:: http://content.artofmanliness.com/uploads/2009/12/sexist.jpg Quite simply many men feel that they get nothing in return from women in their lives, so why even bother. Edited March 17, 2010 by Mr White
carhill Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Quite simply many men feel that they get nothing in return from women in their lives, so why even bother. Yep, that's why divorce, even though distasteful, seemed to be the healthiest option. I know enough women who do add immensely to their husband's lives to know such people exist, but I'm in no hurry to flagellate myself seeking the single versions out.
silic0ntoad Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Feminism, more than anything else, contributed to this. Ironically, it is the primary cause of men begining to view women as primarily as sexual objects --> very few people will want to be committed and chivalrous to a woman that likely has been dating and hooking up since the age of 16. Women are much easier to sleep with these days, but much harder to love. The other thing that turns men off from relationships are the hideous double standards in gender expectations. Women can expect the world of men, while the smallese expectation of women labels them sexis. See a summary here :laugh:: http://content.artofmanliness.com/uploads/2009/12/sexist.jpg Quite simply many men feel that they get nothing in return from women in their lives, so why even bother. 0wned. IDK, I would say the girls I had been exclusive with added to my life, then drained it. It's tough to find a woman that adds to your life, but I am sure it's also tough for a woman to find a man who adds to theirs. IMHO, dating is a sh*t show anymore. That's why I am taking a break from it. Not that I don't like meeting new people, I dislike spending money taking girls out and getting nothing (even friendship) in return.
Engadget Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 It's tough. I'd rather know someone before I have sex with them, but if you date and it turns out the sex is awful...you're kind of screwed.
Author Lucky555 Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 this does give me some hope and it is amazing to see other people are looking for actual relationships. I have decided not to resort to online dating. I am going to keep doing things I love to do and of course i will accept my friends trying to hook me up because they know me well. I myself don't want to be bed hoping every time I turn around. Like this last guy i was with i didn't sleep with him even though we both wanted to become intimate. I wanted him to be committed to me in a "Relationship" not just with sex and dating. I wanted a relationship where he would care if I was sick or he would care enough to make time to do functional activities. It turned out he gave me excuses. long story short he didn't want the "relationship" aspect, he was a coward for not saying this and a jerk for leading me on since i told him in the beginning i wanted a relationship. "relationship". So I was thinking back on this and I wondered if it was too much to expect that he would be "committed" prior to sex. (NOW I have my answer from you all, yes expect it if i want it or i am left unfulfilled and would end up breaking up with him) I myself don't want to be bed hoping, even if i really liked this last guy I didn't want to just be his sexual partner. I wanted the "relationship". I think a lot of guys these days base relationships on sex. Its like when can they get it. Its such a turn off. It totally ruins my desire for them. Lots of guys i have dated "say" they want the same things as me just to get a date. Then after that since i do not sleep with them fast they start showing their true intentions (to use me). I need a bs detector or maybe i need to date more than one guy at once. This way I am not wasting my time with just one guy. the problem is it is hard for me to do this.....but it looks like i need to.
silic0ntoad Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 this does give me some hope and it is amazing to see other people are looking for actual relationships. I have decided not to resort to online dating. I am going to keep doing things I love to do and of course i will accept my friends trying to hook me up because they know me well. I myself don't want to be bed hoping every time I turn around. Like this last guy i was with i didn't sleep with him even though we both wanted to become intimate. I wanted him to be committed to me in a "Relationship" not just with sex and dating. I wanted a relationship where he would care if I was sick or he would care enough to make time to do functional activities. It turned out he gave me excuses. long story short he didn't want the "relationship" aspect, he was a coward for not saying this and a jerk for leading me on since i told him in the beginning i wanted a relationship. "relationship". So I was thinking back on this and I wondered if it was too much to expect that he would be "committed" prior to sex. (NOW I have my answer from you all, yes expect it if i want it or i am left unfulfilled and would end up breaking up with him) I myself don't want to be bed hoping, even if i really liked this last guy I didn't want to just be his sexual partner. I wanted the "relationship". I think a lot of guys these days base relationships on sex. Its like when can they get it. Its such a turn off. It totally ruins my desire for them. Lots of guys i have dated "say" they want the same things as me just to get a date. Then after that since i do not sleep with them fast they start showing their true intentions (to use me). I need a bs detector or maybe i need to date more than one guy at once. This way I am not wasting my time with just one guy. the problem is it is hard for me to do this.....but it looks like i need to. Men are driven by sexual desire. I know no one here wants to bed hop when searching for a relationship, but seriously, look at the change in times. Sex is a huge part of a relationship for a man. IDK very many of my buddies (including myself) that would commit to someone and then start having sex. Knowing that I satisfy you in a sexual manner is a big thing for me, and probably for most other men. If the sex isn't good, nothing else will be for a man.
Engadget Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Men are driven by sexual desire. I know no one here wants to bed hop when searching for a relationship, but seriously, look at the change in times. Sex is a huge part of a relationship for a man. IDK very many of my buddies (including myself) that would commit to someone and then start having sex. Knowing that I satisfy you in a sexual manner is a big thing for me, and probably for most other men. If the sex isn't good, nothing else will be for a man. A lot of people act like it's just men though, women want it too. They're just better at hiding it.
Author Lucky555 Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 It's tough. I'd rather know someone before I have sex with them, but if you date and it turns out the sex is awful...you're kind of screwed. well this is a good point. This is why i ask, is it right to want a committed relationship if thats what you want.
Engadget Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 well this is a good point. This is why i ask, is it right to want a committed relationship if thats what you want. Yeah I wouldn't say there's anything wrong with that, it'll be better if you find someone who agrees and wants to be in a relationship first.
paperchase Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Sex is both important and misunderstood. I know that many women withhold sex for fear about how they will be perceived. I could easily fall in love with and marry someone who gave it to me quickly. I never judge on that basis. Maybe, and I said maaaaybe, not the first night, but with great chemistry and second or third date is ok. This assumes there is chemistry in the bed too. lol. If I don't get sex at some point it becomes a problem. I can't say exactly when. It's more art than science. If we don't kiss by the second date, then I start reconsidering. If we go out once a week for month and we haven's been intimate (sex not required) then I'm bolting. After about 2 months of regular dating and getting to know one another, we should definitely be having sex. Now if my partner needs an affirmation of exclusivity before sex, that's ok but bear in mind that if the sex is bad, eventually the relationship will not be sustainable for me. It's not like I'd break-up after the first time; no, I'd see it through but after a month of bad sex, I'd probably end things.
Author Lucky555 Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 silic0ntoad: "Men are driven by sexual desire. I know no one here wants to bed hop when searching for a relationship, but seriously, look at the change in times. Sex is a huge part of a relationship for a man. IDK very many of my buddies (including myself) that would commit to someone and then start having sex. Knowing that I satisfy you in a sexual manner is a big thing for me, and probably for most other men. If the sex isn't good, nothing else will be for a man." _________________________________________________________________ very good points. I like this perspective here. However, wouldn't you want to see if you are compatible in other ways first and then have sex? Or is sex more important then other compatibilities for some men? I rather know if I am compatible with the person first. A guy i dated for a month and half hid his true colors well. It was not until that time that he showed who he was and i found out he was a compulsive liar!! He even told me that he usually lied to pick up girls and he was glad to see that I was liking him for him. As he became comfortable around me he was so ANNOYING! He then told me of the women he slept with (eww stds, i really thought he might be carrying them) and I did not trust him and i did not sleep with him. (This is why I check for compatibility) When I am physically around someone I really know who they are...thats when I determine if you want to see if there could be a committed relationship. I think you helped me to figure out another new approach to take in my dating life. I think a lot of time should be spent first then to see the compatibility and then to see if sex should be included. So maybe i won't expect the guy to say he is "with me" and tell the world till i determine the compatibility and where he stands. I will however ask for exclusivity and go from there too.
carhill Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Or is sex more important then other compatibilities for some men? Yes, for 'some', perhaps 'many', and, from historical data, those are the men women are dating and marry, so hence drive the dynamic. I would dare opine that a man (or a woman, for that matter) who is satisfied sexually can put up with a lot of other 'incompatibilities'. Take that from a guy who sees sex as an expression of intimacy rather than an impulsion to intimacy. I call them like I see them, even if my philosophy is outlier. Good luck
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