That_girl Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I know that this will be long, but I'm really ****ed up at the moment. I have this horrible attitude toward life and constantly feeling sorry for myself. And that is why my ex broke up with me. I can try to deny it all I want.....I know that I was the reason that he left. My situation kind of sucks, but I constantly nagged about it and have a deeply pessimistic, cynical outlook which my ex hated about me. He said that I did way too much complaining (I did) and that he no longer wanted to have to deal with me anymore. We were together 3 years. Basically, I just finished my degree...have no idea what I want to do. I am about 30,000 in debt because I have to start paying off my student loans. I still live with my parents. My job doesn't pay very well (and it doesn't help that I have stupid spending habits sometimes, like smoking and drinking). My parents are totally NOT supportive of my pursuit of furthering my education, and I'm constantly arguing with my mom. She wants me to chip in more with the bills, which is reasonable, but it's just another added stress to the debt that I already have. I basically need to stay with a friend for a while because my mom and I are always arguing. She told me that I'm a selfish, pitiful person, and that my ex did the right thing to leave me because no one should have to put up with me. She's probably right, but that hurt like hell. (I already have REALLY low self-esteem). My ex told me the same things. But I can't help the way I feel. I really do feel like I was dealt some pretty ****ty cards. My dad doesn't care about me at all, and would never help me pay for my education. He went YEARS without even calling me when he and my mom split up. I was very young at the time but I have never forgiven him for that. And I completely resent my mom for instilling such insecurities in me. ESPECIALLY now. She should be supporting me because she knows that I'm really taking this break-up hard. But instead, she kicks me when I'm down. She even said that all my friends are "queers, sluts, and losers". I HATE this right now. Everything is so difficult for me, and I don't have the confidence or the will to change my situation. I don't make very much money either so I don't know where/how I'm going to live. I blame myself for everything. I know I was selfish, unmotivated, and self-pitying. And I know that even though he could be a total d*ck, he could no longer put up with me. Where am I supposed to get my strength from? I don't have it in myself.
Author That_girl Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 I just wanted to add that I am in no way blaming my mom for anything. She has given me everything and I will always love her no matter what. She has A LOT of issues herself, and has always let men treat her like absolute dirt. She has never been happy. I just don't want to end up like her. I insulted her back tonight, and I feel disgusted with myself for doing that....but she really knows how to poke at my scabs.
Rearden Metal Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Sit your mom down and try to talk a few things out with her. Tell her you're feeling overwhelmed financially but want to help more. She may find things for you to chip in more around the house. Also, tell her that you want her to be happy too. Let her know you care about her. Doing so will make the time that you're forced to spend together much more manageable. Lastly, hit the road hard for a job. Practice interviewing as much as possible and be aggressive. It's up to you to make something of yourself. Go do it!
Andrew1984 Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 probably some time on your own would be for the better. i had issues with my parents at the age of 16 and moved out my 16th birthday... never came back. it took a few years but now im 25 and i have an excellent relationship with both of my parents... looking back on it moving out on my own and standing on my own two feet made me who I am and I wouldnt change a thing. I drew my strength from my ex too... I never realized this until she left. I found it hard to walk a straight line in life and point myself in any direction but that is something we both need to work on, its a really important life skill. your suposed to get your strength from yourself, when you finally know how to do that then your attitude in life will change. best of luck -Andrew
Author That_girl Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 Thanks. I just did give her a little bit of money, and told her that I don't mind helping her. I just wish she would keep the nasty comments about the ex to herself. It really sucks because I do realize that I really am a big selfish baby sometimes, so she is right in a way. She told me that she just said that stuff to me because I was pissing her off. But it's so hard not to believe it when the thoughts are already there in the back of your mind. I guess I just have to keep forgiving myself and move on. I am way too hard on myself sometimes. But I guess alot of people feel this way after a major break-up. Christ, if anyone would be a great candidate for counselling....it would be me.
Author That_girl Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 I have been trying to find a counsellor/therapist for a while, preferably one that is affordable. I have booked an appointment with a family doctor this month to get a referral. I could really use the help. Even if it doesn't work out for whatever reason, at least I'll know that I tried. But I'm certain that it can't make things any worse, so it's definitely a positive step for me because I've never been.
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