bananaboat11 Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I lost track of counting. Don't know where I am mentally... I'm somewhere though. Obviously I'm posting this... so I must be thinking about it. I am no longer hurt. I don't let it affect my day to day routine. At least, I try not to let it get to me... I do not post this here because I seek sympathy... empathy... well wishes... compliments. I post this here as my outlet from my own mind... my own thoughts... my self-analysis... my over-thinking... my perceptions... I post as an escape from myself. Tomorrow... March 17... I turn 25. And despite my family... my close friends... my excellent career... I am completely... and utterly alone. I am young and have my whole life ahead of me. I know this. I have so much going for me... and do you know the only thing I want for my birthday this year? ...I want to see her smile one.. last.. time. And I never will. I will never hear her voice... I seem to have forgotten what she sounds like... it's like, when I close my eyes at night... I see her, but there is nothing more than a void where she SHOULD be. Is that twisted? Play me a the world's smallest violin? The sick, twisted, sadistic, sad, reality is... I KNOW I'm in her thoughts. Not constantly. She's put other distractions before her. I'm sure of it. We're both very proud people... and I'm sure she isn't wallowing whatsoever, but I know that all that hate she had for me is turning into something else... They say the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. I truly do not see her being indifferent. We shared 'something' for 4 and a half months... not long, I know, but long enough to know I'm still in her mind.... her thoughts. Since nicole... I've pushed and pushed forward... and I somehow manage to walk with my head held high. There was a point that I'd let myself down... constantly... and I'd hate myself for it. I'm past that point... I was doing so much better. I feel so useless in this moment. Knowing full well I may be in her thoughts, even only a minute a week, I'm still there. And I will be for awhile. I know it. I know too true, I will never know of her again. Never hear from her again. never see her again. Happy Birthday to me... my only wish this year is that the next year of my life brings better things... and does not bring her back.... ever. I can't take that hurt anymore. It has eaten away at me. Being used. Abused. Emotionally drained. It hurts. We weren't even together that long. Even my 1.5 year breakup was easier than this.
Andrew1984 Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 happy birthday bro. Your still on top of the world. regain your confidence and cut your ties and you will be set for the rest of your life.
Author bananaboat11 Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 Dear Rob, You're pathetic. xoxo, Me. you just wait, KC. I'll be a better me soon enough! Better than I was before Nicole! you'll see... just wait. (100.00 bucks says I'm saying that same line in 2 weeks LOL... kidding )
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