MissGoLightly Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 My b/f keeps talking about how he wants to move in together and get married. He says the reason he hasn't proposed yet is because if he asked, I would say no. I think he's full of **** when he says that he would ask now, except for that; however he is absolutely right that if he did happen to ask now I would say no. The biggest reason (there are two reasons, or maybe three) is because we've never had an actual argument....if the disagreements we've had are considered arguments, I don't think I could handle a lifetime with him. I've told him that I won't even consider marrying him until we have a real fight/learn to communicate in a way I find satisfactory when we disagree or are upset, but whenever I mention this he chooses not to have a serious discussion about it, and still does not change how he responds to disagreements/bad feelings. I started a thread (I think in the dating section) awhile ago about how we fight (if it can even be called that)...I don't really expect anyone to go back and read that, though. What do you make of this, and/or what should I do?
Enema Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 What do you make of this, and/or what should I do? Have you considered solo therapy?
ADF Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 You don't want to marry your BF because your fights are too mild? Now that is a new one. I think it's a bit goofy.
Author MissGoLightly Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 Have you considered solo therapy? ...I haven't....don't know much about it...what would that accomplish? To be honest, I think he's the one with the problem, in regards to fighting, communication, and how he responds to conflict or, more importantly, potential conflict. Not that I don't have issues. You don't want to marry your BF because your fights are too mild? Now that is a new one. I think it's a bit goofy. No, it's not that they're too mild, there are a few scenarios: - he completely overreacts - he gets very emotional and goes on the offensive in a really inappropriate way - he blows it off, or makes a joke of it resulting in things like: - me being reluctant to bring things up in future - nothing gets resolved, or even really acknowledged
xxoo Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 .. No, it's not that they're too mild, there are a few scenarios: - he completely overreacts - he gets very emotional and goes on the offensive in a really inappropriate way - he blows it off, or makes a joke of it resulting in things like: - me being reluctant to bring things up in future - nothing gets resolved, or even really acknowledged I think you are very wise to avoid marriage under these communication circumstances. Without decent communication, a marriage has little chance. I skimmed your other thread. You said that this only happens every 4-5 months, but is that because you only confront on an issue every 4-5 months? Or is he sometimes ok with conflict? Does he handle conflict similarly with family, work, and friends? I predict that the pattern would worsen with cohabitation, marriage, children. The more you weave your lives together, the more issues there are to discuss and iron out. I'd try some couples counseling, and give it a definite time limit (in your head...not nec something you say aloud). Say, 6-9 months. If by Thanksgiving (or whenever) you don't feel you've met certain goals in communication as a couple, you move on.
make me believe Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I think you're being very smart!!! The way that you argue/disagree is DEFINITELY something that needs to be worked out before you enter into a lifetime with this guy. If he's unwilling to even discuss his arguing style, that's a big red flag. It means he has no interest in changing, and he's not willing to compromise. I think couples counseling is a good idea, if you're really interested in potentially having a future with this guy.
Author MissGoLightly Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 I skimmed your other thread. You said that this only happens every 4-5 months, but is that because you only confront on an issue every 4-5 months? Or is he sometimes ok with conflict? Does he handle conflict similarly with family, work, and friends? I only confront him on an issue every few months. He's only confronted me on an issue....never, or maybe once. If he ever has, it was only because I confronted him first, so instead of acknowledging my issue, he just brought up his own. Well, unless you count disagreements over domestic chores as issues: When I'm at his place he has no problem lecturing me because I didn't pick up the bath mat after my shower (news to me that he wanted it done), or giving me a hard time when he mistakenly thought I left lights on, or for leaving my shoes on a particular rug... I think there were 2 occasions when I did bring something up with him, and he responded in a normal way, but on both occasions I introduced my issue in an extremely self-deprecating and supplicating way, and I don't think I should have to play that game when I have an issue or am angry, and I don't think it's an acceptable way to communicate. I predict that the pattern would worsen with cohabitation, marriage, children. The more you weave your lives together, the more issues there are to discuss and iron out. I completely agree; if he asked me to marry him right now I would say no in a heartbeat. I will not sentence myself to a lifetime of passive aggressiveness, or feeling as though issues haven't been resolved.
Author MissGoLightly Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 I would rather have a screaming fight with my bf and get all our feelings out on any given issue, than the way we currently communicate. If we could have that kind of argument, regardless of the outcome, I would feel confident that we could make it in a marriage, for a lifetime.
JustLooking123 Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 I completely agree; if he asked me to marry him right now I would say no in a heartbeat. I will not sentence myself to a lifetime of passive aggressiveness, or feeling as though issues haven't been resolved. This begs the question, why are you with him? Do you see the potential for the massive changes necessary make him compatible with you? Is it worth the wait and investment?
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