Amie27 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I've been dating this guy for about 5 months. He's really good to me, very consistent and honest. Well, I got into asking him all about his past (I'm insecure) a month or so ago and it's been a downward spiral in my mind to the point I feel like breaking up with him. See, when we started dating, I viewed him as this confident guy who could get a lot of different girls and was just "waiting" for the right one. Wrong. It turns out he has asked a bunch of different girls out and most of them (especially over the year before we met) turned him down. His friends and family know about how he has been turned down so much, and he is also facebook friends with a bunch of these girls, so it's kind of humiliating to me. I feel like the other people in his life must wonder if I know how much he has been rejected by other girls and now he's with me by default. He's not a loser or anything, he has a master's degree, a good job, well-respected, is an athlete (runner, cyclist), and has a wonderful family who he is really close to. He treats me really well, is very romantic, generous, and tells me all the time that there is "no one else" for him. But I have a lot of trouble believing that! It feels like he was just in love with being in love, even though he denies that. I know there were some girls who wanted to be with him who he turned down, or started dating then broke up with, but the vast majority of recent people in his life were ones who rejected him. I feel like he was only available when we met, and is only with me now, because those other girls didn't want him. I have trouble believing he wouldn't be with any of them now, even though that's what he says. I know this is all really messed up (and there is a lot more where this came from) but I'm hoping to be told I'm crazy. He is such a great guy. I don't want my mental issues to come between us anymore.
Sweetie1977 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Why shouls u care? Was he your first and only choice? People need to get over being their s/o's dream Man or Women
bayouboi Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Sounds to me like you're looking for a reason to not like him.
ADF Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 You ask this man about his past, and because he gives you an honest answer, you think about breaking up with him? Other women turned down, so now he's not good enough for you? What arrogance! Frankly, I think you should show him this post. Let him decide for himself whether he wants to waste his time on you. I bet he can do better.
sumdude Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 You're right, you should dump him over this. Obviously if he wasn't good enough for them he's not good enough for you either. Then you can find a guy who is multi dating 3 other hot girls and convince yourself you're in love with him and he'll choose you over them eventually. Then if you manage that you can convince yourself once you're married to him that he'll never cheat on you. Sorry if I came out harsh.. but really this is about your ego more than anything else. It never fails to amaze me the way women think sometimes
Tnerforireyeh Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 As one poster here said, "Women attract women." A guy should never let chicks know he's unsuccessful with chicks.
sumdude Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 As one poster here said, "Women attract women." A guy should never let chicks know he's unsuccessful with chicks. True true true.. Here's a dose of reality. Most men get rejected a lot more often than not. We learn to handle rejection and keep going. Maybe 1 out of 10 women a man attempts to start something with goes for it. If his stats are much higher than that he's either super attractive, UBER confident, rich or he's dating below his league. If you like him, are attracted to him and think he as a person, as a man is worth your time than guess what? All those othee girls were stupid to let him go.
PJKino Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Are allot of women such insecure compettive creatures that they need their Men to be wanted by numerous women for validation of him? If i ever actually get a women to like me im lying about my past otherwise i might be rejected..
Rhythmic Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 (edited) Actually nevermind Edited March 16, 2010 by Rhythmic
Ruby Slippers Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I feel like he was only available when we met, and is only with me now, because those other girls didn't want him. That's your insecurity. Let's take this out of the relationship realm. In my life, for every 1 job/client I've gotten, I've applied for/tried to get 25+ others. The way I see it, those who didn't hire me just weren't the right match. Maybe I was underqualified, overqualified, too expensive for them, who knows? But it doesn't matter. I do a great job with the jobs/clients I have gotten, and those who passed me over don't matter. The way I see it, my current clients are lucky the other ones passed me by, because that means I have time to work with them. In the same way, why not count yourself lucky that you snagged a great guy?
Tnerforireyeh Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Rhyth is right, this could be a troll, but the advice stands. Are allot of women such insecure compettive creatures that they need their Men to be wanted by numerous women for validation of him? If i ever actually get a women to like me im lying about my past otherwise i might be rejected.. Yes, and Yes. You've got to have "imaginary girlfriends" until you get a couple normal girlfriends in the bag, then you leverage these girlfriends to get even more attractive ones, etc. etc.
Confusedguy81 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 The upside is he probably doesnt have an STD. Just sayin...
make me believe Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I know there were some girls who wanted to be with him who he turned down, or started dating then broke up with, but the vast majority of recent people in his life were ones who rejected him. Well... that sounds like most guys, to be hoenst. lol. You seem insecure. If your boyfriend didn't want to be with you then he'd break up with you like he broke up with the few girls in your example. I know it's difficult to believe that he wouldn't be with one of the girls who rejected him if he got the chance, but just remember that he probably didn't really know those girls very well. And if he had gotten to know them better (like after a few months of dating, or even after only a few dates), he may not have had interest in them anymore. This is a great example of why the past is better left in the past! There is NO reason for you to know that your bf went through this period of rejection before he met you. I mean, that is probably true for most people before they find a successful relationship! It's totally normal.
sally4sara Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I've been dating this guy for about 5 months. He's really good to me, very consistent and honest. Well, I got into asking him all about his past (I'm insecure) a month or so ago and it's been a downward spiral in my mind to the point I feel like breaking up with him. See, when we started dating, I viewed him as this confident guy who could get a lot of different girls and was just "waiting" for the right one. Wrong. It turns out he has asked a bunch of different girls out and most of them (especially over the year before we met) turned him down. His friends and family know about how he has been turned down so much, and he is also facebook friends with a bunch of these girls, so it's kind of humiliating to me. I feel like the other people in his life must wonder if I know how much he has been rejected by other girls and now he's with me by default. He's not a loser or anything, he has a master's degree, a good job, well-respected, is an athlete (runner, cyclist), and has a wonderful family who he is really close to. He treats me really well, is very romantic, generous, and tells me all the time that there is "no one else" for him. But I have a lot of trouble believing that! It feels like he was just in love with being in love, even though he denies that. I know there were some girls who wanted to be with him who he turned down, or started dating then broke up with, but the vast majority of recent people in his life were ones who rejected him. I feel like he was only available when we met, and is only with me now, because those other girls didn't want him. I have trouble believing he wouldn't be with any of them now, even though that's what he says. I know this is all really messed up (and there is a lot more where this came from) but I'm hoping to be told I'm crazy. He is such a great guy. I don't want my mental issues to come between us anymore. Damn childish. Look at it this way, you also don't have to compare to the images of other women he could've been with. As though you'd just naturally be the cat's meow to any girl a guy might have been with prior.
reservoirdog1 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 EVERYBODY's been rejected by people they've wanted to date. Usually several times. So, by definition, EVERYBODY those rejected people wind up dating is with them because they got rejected. Because if they hadn't been rejected, they'd probably be with one of the people who didn't reject them. If my XW hadn't ended our marriage (and done the stuff that led up to her doing so), I'd probably still be with her. What's that say about the desirability of the women I've been involved with since the marriage ended? Nothing. The only way it should be problematic is if your BF is still pining for any of those women who rejected him. You just need to decide if you can trust him when he tells you he ISN'T still pining for one of them.
Mr White Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Classic confirmation of one of the worst, and well-deserved, stereotypes about women: you don't care about the person, you care whether or not he is a trophy (i.e. whether other women want him). (For the record, I am pleasantly surprised that at least some women here told you like it is, so at least there is some hope this pathology is not universal.)
mrt336 Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Every guy has been rejected more than a handful of times, trust me. It's nothing.
JustLooking123 Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I know this is all really messed up (and there is a lot more where this came from) but I'm hoping to be told I'm crazy. He is such a great guy. I don't want my mental issues to come between us anymore. You are crazy. If you think he's just with you because everyone else rejected him, why don't you join the hordes and dump him? It sounds like you're looking for a reason to look down on him. That's sad.
marsle85 Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Two things: Do you feel loved personally, or do you feel he just loves his "girlfriend"? Secondly, it's so easy to get wrapped up in what other people think, why he hasn't found anyone else, etc.... but really- have you looked around? I wouldn't trust the opinion of most the people I meet, so why is their opinion so important? The deal is- you've got a good one, just because you have the ability to see that- does just the opposite of what you described... it discounts those women. It's more like- what the heck is wrong with them?
Ilovehim Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 wow...so my ex broke up with me, "fell out of love" and then 10 months later i started dating someone new. I don't even know what I would feel if my boyfriend felt like breaking up with me because my ex no longer wanted me. Also I would LAUGH if my ex felt like the only reason I'm with this guy is because he left me. So why should you feel humiliated? I can't really give you advice without knwoing HIS point of view but Everyone in this world has been and will be rejected at some point. On one side, i do understand you though. My douchebag of ex was obssesed with some girl for years. She rejected him; then he met me, we started dating and I became his girlfriend. It annoyed me that he had feelings for her but I knew for a fact he loved me and never thought about breaking up with him over that. I looked pretty by his side and regardless of his past, now I was in his present. The girl told him she would finally give him a chance ( because she finally saw him move on with someone BETTER than her) so he became more attractive to her I guess. Bottom line: You know this guy better than any of us (obviously) and I'm sure you know whether he's in love with love and wants to be with you just because he doesn't want to be alone or because he truly likes you. But if you believe he cares for you and truly wants to be with you, don't even think about dumping him because he has been rejected. How would you feel if someone wanted to leave you because you had love trouble in your past? Think about it.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Classic confirmation of one of the worst, and well-deserved, stereotypes about women: you don't care about the person, you care whether or not he is a trophy (i.e. whether other women want him). (For the record, I am pleasantly surprised that at least some women here told you like it is, so at least there is some hope this pathology is not universal.) Go easy on her. It's obviously insecurity at work. She admits she's insecure. She is concerned that if her boyfriend has the reputation as a reject, it will reflect poorly on her. That's because she is young and still validates herself based on male attention and the perceived desirability of the males she is able to attract. Most of us do at that age.
PJKino Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Go easy on her. It's obviously insecurity at work. She admits she's insecure. She is concerned that if her boyfriend has the reputation as a reject, it will reflect poorly on her. That's because she is young and still validates herself based on male attention and the perceived desirability of the males she is able to attract. Most of us do at that age. Her age? She doesnt mention her age but shes dating a guy who has his masters i imagine shes not a teen..What age do women stop caring about what other people think of their man? 30?
Confusedguy81 Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Her age? She doesnt mention her age but shes dating a guy who has his masters i imagine shes not a teen..What age do women stop caring about what other people think of their man? 30? Id guess 22 maybe. Girls can be pretty shallow around that age
Ilovehim Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 i think you are all misunderstanding what she is trying to say. I don't think she's embarrased of him for having been rejected. She feels as though he STILL has feelings for these other women or has some sort of attraction lingering there, and THIS is what bothers her. I have "sort of" been there and it wasn't that I was insecure, but it is not a nice feeling when you think your boyfriend has feelings for someone else. You feel like on one side they really do like you and on the other side you feel like you are not the only one on their mind. Would you want to be wit a girl who you feel "desires" another man and is settling for you? I think this is what bothers the OP.
gypsy_nicky Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 (edited) True true true.. Here's a dose of reality. Most men get rejected a lot more often than not. We learn to handle rejection and keep going. Maybe 1 out of 10 women a man attempts to start something with goes for it. If his stats are much higher than that he's either super attractive, UBER confident, rich or he's dating below his league. OP, here you go. Keep repeating. Because we mostly do the chasing, we (men) are rejected a lot (reasons outlined from sumdude). Here's what sum forgot to mention: Men who are successful in dating do so because they have learned to read women who will and will not date him-from experience. Even if it seems like he settled, your BF's past has no correlation with you. Edited March 17, 2010 by gypsy_nicky
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