MissJo Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 So, recently I noticed my boyfriend of 2 years spending a lot of time away from me and with his friends, pulling away. When I brought it up, he said he thought things were better bc we were spending time apart. We have had our ups and downs like any other couple. He thinks I am too jealous and possessive and I think he is too undependable and secretive. We had a conversation and said that we would both work on the things that were bothering the other person. And I had really really been trying but, it was so difficult to keep my end up when he was still unavailable at odd hours, and got caught in a lie about his whereabouts. The funny thing is, and ive told him this but i dont think he believes me, is that if he was just open and honest with me I wouldnt care so much about who he was with or what he was doing. He just assumes the worst. We were supposed to go on vacation together today but, that isnt happening. On we got in the car to go do something and he starts texting someone. Not out of jealousy or anything malicious i say "may i ask who you are texting" and the whole day goes downhill from there. I dont think I was inappropriate in asking him that...was i? I feel like he hasnt even given me a chance to NOT be jealous. Should I just show no interest in his life outside of me? So, we were planning to go on this vacation to scope out a place to live. But, while eating lunch he says he was talking to his dad and instead of doing what we have been planning to do he is thinking about finishing school. Thats fine, thats great. But, I feel like I deserve a little bit of notice because if we arent doing this together then I need to make plans for MY life, not OUR life. Which is what I told him. But, he always accuses me of meaning something else instead of taking what I say for face value. And says things like "but i know thats what you were thinking" even when its no where close to what I was thinking. So I get up to go to the restroom because I am embarrassed that he is acting like this in public and when I come back he has already paid the bill. He is still drinking his beer so I tell him I will meet him in the car. When we get back to my house he tells me he is going to just go home and pack for our trip. I ask him if we can just separate for 30 minutes to cool off and talk before he leaves. He says no and gets all his stuff and goes. 10 minutes later he calls me and says "this just isnt working, we have tried but sometimes you just need to let things go. I need to take care of myself and you need to take care of yourself and your daughter. Youre a great person but, I think it would be better if we werent friends anymore. So, dont make this harder on me but, i would appreciate it if you didnt call me anymore" I have absolutely no words...and I am in shock. So we hang up...I cry and send him a text message about how i will miss him but, i hope he has a beautiful and happy life. Then Monday morning he calls me...basically about the trip. I tell him I called but that it was too late to cancel the flights. So then, he wants to mull over whether or not he still wants to go on the trip with me. AFTER he said he doesnt even want to be friends. Well, we decide not to go. I send him a text message this morning saying "i guess we missed the flight, haha" and he writes back "yea but i still love you." I say...I love you too...do you think we can see eachother at all. if not i understand im just feeling a little down. he says yes 100%. I say...maybe this week sometime and he says...i was thinking today. OK what the F? Is he just doing this because of a tiff, or does he really not want to be with me...? I know we have had our problems but, it just seems like this was out of nowhere and over something so small. If he really doesnt see it working then why in the HELL does he want to see me today??
Ilovecake Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 (edited) From what you say I see major gigantic red flags there and I see you making a lot of excuses for his behavior because it seems you don't want to see what's right in front of you. I am telling you this from many years of life and relationship experience. If he didn't have anything to hide he would be very open with you, he would not lie, he would not get caught in lies. The sudden change in his social activities, major red flag. Picking meaningless fights, major red flag. The fact that he keeps putting this on you and telling you you're the one with the problem is a major tale tale sign of someone who is getting caught doing something they know they shouldn't. Honey, I’m sorry to say this but I'm pretty sure he’s cheating on you. Edited March 16, 2010 by Ilovecake
threebyfate Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Whether he's cheating or not, is less of import than the FACT that your ex is an arsehole. You can do far, far better. Walk away before he jacks you around more and guaranteed, he will.
nobmagnet Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I completely and utterly agree with I love Cake. I went through this on facebook (devils invention) he wouldnt add me. i asked why 3 times over 3 months he completely lost it!. As it transires he was porking the payroll and using facebook. He has someone. Im so sorry be he probably has. Over reactions are the biggest redflag. You asked a question and in a good relationshiphe would giggle and say " Oh its ***** look at this funny thing he said/she said." keep strong my love its not you:love: Nobby xx
LovelyDaze Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Sounds like this is an inevitable breakup. Your BF sounds totally random, indecisive, and not very committed to you. Sure, a couple need to spend time apart to refresh and revive themselves as individuals. However, when the other partner starts to get secretive and volatile, then trouble is ahead for sure. I'd say try to have a talk with your BF about what you guys want out of this relationship. Discuss space, friends, fidelity, where you guys want things to go, etc. If your BF blows off a discussion to improve things, then it won't get better and it will be best that you cut your losses and leave.
Author MissJo Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 I think you are all right. I think there is someone else in the picture. We used to be best friends and had so much fun together. Now its a struggle to even spend time together without fighting. Well, yesterday MORNING while we were texting each other to make plans to see each other he all of the sudden stops texting me. I call, get no answer. He calls me back at 7PM to hang out. I had already made other plans. He gets pissed because I'm not at home. Excuse me? I had no idea when and even if he was going to call me at all. He hung up on me to talk to someone on the other line and I haven't heard from him since. I've met all of his friends...how possible is it that he's sleeping with someone that smiled in my face? I should mention that I have been noticing an increase in his drinking lately, alcohol comes before most things. When he isn't drinking he's great. But those times are few and far between. If he was as great as he thinks he is, I'd be losing something. Guess its time to call it quits. I'm tired of being disrespected. Evenif no one else is in the picture, he is hurting me and blowing me of continuously.
Ilovecake Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 MissJo you really do not need to be treated like that. You're not a puppet he can just string along. The longer this goes on the worst it will get. I've seen this exact scenario play out several times, as a matter of fact I think you might be dating my ex boyfriend.
pureinheart Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Hi Miss Jo, Hey welcome to LS , I wish it could be under better circumstances. The first sentance tells the entire story. Something is going on... He's playing the same game with you that exDM played with me...he would start fights with me, then blame me. Oh ya, he would also agree, or even suggest that we work on things, yet it always turned out the same...I was the problem. No "I" wasn't the problem..."we" were the problem. Huggggsss, and if you can give the relationship some room...give him all the time he needs, and IF your still around...you MIGHT think about working on things....
pureinheart Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 MissJo you really do not need to be treated like that. You're not a puppet he can just string along. The longer this goes on the worst it will get. I've seen this exact scenario play out several times, as a matter of fact I think you might be dating my ex boyfriend. Ya, mine too....
pureinheart Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I think you are all right. I think there is someone else in the picture. We used to be best friends and had so much fun together. Now its a struggle to even spend time together without fighting. Well, yesterday MORNING while we were texting each other to make plans to see each other he all of the sudden stops texting me. I call, get no answer. He calls me back at 7PM to hang out. I had already made other plans. He gets pissed because I'm not at home. Excuse me? I had no idea when and even if he was going to call me at all. He hung up on me to talk to someone on the other line and I haven't heard from him since. I've met all of his friends...how possible is it that he's sleeping with someone that smiled in my face? I should mention that I have been noticing an increase in his drinking lately, alcohol comes before most things. When he isn't drinking he's great. But those times are few and far between. If he was as great as he thinks he is, I'd be losing something. Guess its time to call it quits. I'm tired of being disrespected. Evenif no one else is in the picture, he is hurting me and blowing me of continuously. Just out of curiousity, is he taking any sort of anti-depressants coupled with other drugs? My ex got this way and played the same games while on these meds.... Oh ok, I noticed the drinking thing...you know I have to tell you when I read your OP I sensed something mind altering...
Ilovecake Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Maybe he was abducted by alliens? Antidepressants are neither mind altering nor do they make people act like that. Having secrets and lying and cheating make people act like that.
Author MissJo Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 I'm not sure if he's doing drugs or not. I know that he had a problem in the past, and has been to rehab and na meetings. At one point he was clean for 2 years but, this is before I met him. I told his mom that I was concerned he was depressed or something. He can go days without calling anyone. When I first started dating him he hadn't called his mom or me in a couple days and we were both concerned. I came over unannounced and he had been laying on his fold out sofa playing xbox for 2 days. House was dirty and he was too. It just seems like before when he would get in his moods he would still reach out to me, shut out everyone but me. Now, he's shutting me out as well. He's a very intelligent and likable person. And I keep thinking that his good qualities are going to shine through more than the bad.
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