Waiting for D-Day…???

[bonomarine]

My wife has decided that she no longer loves me and at first (a year ago) asked for some space and a chance to explore her own life with some new found friends. General affection has completely left the marriage and she hasn't told me that she loves me in about 6 months. Physical intimacy hasn't occurred in almost a year.

 

Recently, I initiated the conversation of moving forward with a separation and divorce. I don’t know why I initiated the conversation; I guess I was going crazy with the uncertainty. We have a house that we have wanted for many years and we still sleep in the same bed. I do love her very much but it is gotten to the point that I ache being around her, so I suggested that we sell the house and move towards a divorce. Perhaps, I thought that this would cause her to rethink our relationship, but I was wrong.

 

Now, I’m waiting for the appointment to be made with the realtor. She said that she would make it, but now she would like to wait to prevent paying capital gains taxes. I don’t know if she is being practical or if maybe there is still a chance to repair the marriage.

 

I know I can’t control her actions; I just don’t want to make the wrong decision. I have to admit that I did invade her privacy during the past year in that I did snoop into her cell phone records, but nothing ever surfaced. She knows, and I have apologized and promised to never do it again. I haven't since

 

Should I just continue to give her the space that she needs or should I just tear the Band-Aid off and begin the repair process?

 

We have been a couple for 22 years, married 20 years with 3 beautiful girls. We still have two of the kids at home. So far, they don’t know what is going on. Just as background, neither of us do drugs; there isn’t any abuse and hardly any drinking. Both of us are in great shape and we both have full-time careers.

Edited March 16, 2010 by bonomarine

[tnttim]

All the advise here and my personal advise is to push the divorce. It's like poker and you want all the cards on the table. In that process you stop communicating with her on a personal level, just house, kids, and bills from now on. You find an outlet for your feelings and focus more attention on yourself. Let her worry about what she is going to do, you never help. She will view any help from you as you controlling her once again.

 

All of this shows her what to expect, she has to live life without you or your help. For most this is a wake up call. Words cannot equal what actions accomplish, that's why sticking to this is so affective, and neccesary.

 

You can't fix her, you can only fix yourself and set an example for her. Whether she follows or not is her choice, you can't force her, or convince her.

 

Good luck

[OrangeKin]

Wow I'm sorry to hear that.. have you ever thought of MC? I'm sure it's hard when feeling like just roommates has gone on that long, but you just both seem to have a lot going for you..

[stewed]

I think you and I are on similar tracks my friend.

 

My wife and I of 17 years have been growing apart for quite some time and she's decided she wants to move on. She's a party-girl and I'm a boring, home-body. For the past two years she's been yucking it up with her single friends and I DID find something in her emails. Nothing definitive of cheating but clearly pursuing other men. More than enough to lose trust in her fidelity.

 

Over the past 2 years I've learned that all we really had in common was sexual attraction. We've both focused on raising our teenable boys but we don't really like each other (who we really are). She liked what she thought she could change me into and I liked her sexy, zest for life (that I put aside for myself to be a Dad). Of course, she's looking better than ever - and I even get to enjoy it when she comes home drunk - but I could easily live without the constant bitching about everything (and everybody).

 

Now I'm faced with deciding whether to just drive for the divorce or enter into some sort of separation agreement that would postpone the legaleeze. I don't see us ever reconciling. Our kids will graduate from high school in a couple of years and we wouldn't have to mess with the child support issue. I make all the money and will support all 4 of us anyway, so am at an impasse as to how to proceed. I think she's planning to move out - which would be my preference - but it will be a burden on our finances either way.

 

If my experience is anything like yours, bonomarine, I'd say accept the inevitable and start rebuilding your new life. That's my biggest worry because I've let myself get out of balance with being home with the kids and/or wrapped up in my work that I haven't maintained buddy relationships. I'm worried that I won't be able to get back into the swing of hanging out with the guys and chasing new women. I know it will come but will take an effort to get it rolling.

 

So I feel for you and hope we can help each other move on

[bonomarine]

Stewed,

 

I don't understand why being married for 17 or 20+ years is boring. The problem I faced is that during the marriage I wanted to run away for the weekend. I wanted to leave the kids with Mom but my wife didn't. As I look back there was always an excuse. I guess I didn't catch the signals.

 

As for getting out there, we are trying to sell the house, so I don't want to hit the bars until we are not living with each other. It just seems weird.

 

I have been talking to my younger brother (35) he is married now but he continues to tell me not to worry about meeting new people. When the dust settles, everything else will work itself out.

 

As for finding stuff in the email, I have come to the conclusion that if I have to look then that means I can't be with her anymore. If have the temptations, I ask myself, what if you find something? Will it make you feel better or worst? Since we are already headed for divorce, sometimes its better to just not know.

 

I agree with you that both of us should accept the inevitable. It sucks because it sounds like, given the chance, we would want to be married. Not because it is constant or safe, because we generally want to be with the person we have been with for so long.

 

Good luck. Remeber to try and protect yourself.

[tnttim]

Finding out the truth is the best thing to do. IMO I would leave no stone unturned till you get your answer. You can't make a good decision without all the information you need, intel........

[You Go Girl]

Well, maybe you guys aren't going to like this, but...

 

I think you're not trying hard enough to save your marriages, both of you-marine and stewed.

And this is why--I divorced after a 20 year relationship, 14 of those married, and now I can tell you that there is nothing that will replace watching someone grow up, grow old, and just plain grow and change. Nothing will replace someone who knows your history and you don't have to educate them on that, nothing will replace the person that you had children with, nothing will replace the person who knew you when you were young without wrinkles and you don't have to show them pictures of what you looked like when you were 20. Nothing will replace having the person you have memories with, all those pictures-decades of them--all the holidays, moves, houses, job changes, watching your kids grow and raising them, deaths, births, marriages, history and most of all-MEMORIES.

Your call--

I vote that you grab that wife of yours when she walks in the door and plant a big meaningful kiss on her lips --

long before you consider bailing.

[PWSX3]

I feel until you can say to yourself; I have done everything I could do to save my marriage then you shouldn't just give up...

 

I was married for 28 years, just broke up with a one year relationship & it's not easy trying to start over. Oh you will hear all kinds of stories, I am so much better off to I'm still not happy, but I feel & it's been said here before your best chance is with your first marriage.

 

Something else you might want to ask yourself, have you given your marriage 100%????

 

When my former wife moved out it was all her fault so I thought. Then when you step back & really start looking at yourself then you realize maybe you haven't been giving 100% & there are things "YOU" can do to make it a better marriage.

 

Just for the fun of it, rent the movie Fire Proof, see what you think...

[Manchester Man]

I've been married 8 years and have 2 kids.

I agree about the blind spots and need counseling, etc to help see our contribution to the problems.

But for the guy with the wife partying and pursuing other men-total deal breaker. What complete disrespect for you! If she wants to see other people let her wait til you're separated. WTF. I would be totally gone.

I realize that in your case the her acts of sex are really meaningless.

But-

I believe the twin foundations of healthy marriage are mutual respect and mutual lust.

I've got the lust part in massive spades, but not the other-at all.

Read Ayn Rand's 'Atlas Shrugged' where Francisco talks about the origins of sexual attraction.

If we despise and disrespect ourselves at the core we will surely find a partner whom we , basically, find dispicable on a particular level-which is why we choose them at the start.

I suspect that's an essential ingredient of that initial attraction. The madness (infatuation) turns out to have method after all...

 

I really like the option of a 2 month trial separation.

It makes each party give serious thought to what they want/ need to do.

S-- or get of the pot.

This interminable skipping over the surface of death's pond is madness.

I know. I do it.