Ilovecake Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Just curious what aspect of the breakup hurt you the most? Is it the actual loss of that particular person, is it fear of loneliness, is it the big change in your daily routine, is it the blow to your ego, is it financial, spiritual, is it the embarrassment, is it the betrayal, is it the loss of intimacy and moral and emotional support, worry about your children and how they will handle it? What would you say it was for you? I think because I was already aware that the relationship was absolute crap the blow to my self esteem was the hardest part for me and the longest process of healing. Second hardest was the change of daily routine. I haven’t had a really good home brewed cup off coffee in a year and a half.
Confusedguy81 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Just curious what aspect of the breakup hurt you the most? Is it the actual loss of that particular person, is it fear of loneliness, is it the big change in your daily routine, is it the blow to your ego, is it financial, spiritual, is it the embarrassment, is it the betrayal, is it the loss of intimacy and moral and emotional support, worry about your children and how they will handle it? What would you say it was for you? I think because I was already aware that the relationship was absolute crap the blow to my self esteem was the hardest part for me and the longest process of healing. Second hardest was the change of daily routine. I haven’t had a really good home brewed cup off coffee in a year and a half. The worst part is not seeing it coming. Everything appears fine and dandy and then BOOM!
Rearden Metal Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 It's a tough question. The answer might change day to day. I'd probably say the blow to the ego is the worst part. Being unwanted is a crappy crappy feeling.
Author Ilovecake Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 The worst part is not seeing it coming. Everything appears fine and dandy and then BOOM! So the initial shock for you was the worst? How about afterwards? I imagine you still felt like crap for a while? What was the thing that made you feel like crap after getting over the shock of it? Sorry I hope I'm not picking at scabs, just curious.
Author Ilovecake Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 I also have to add for me it was the fear of my age, he dumped me on my 38th birthday for a girl 16 years younger than me. I was sure I was too old to start a new relationship since I convinced myself that all men my age are either married or only want to date college aged girls. I guess that goes into the ego blow though.
Confusedguy81 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 So the initial shock for you was the worst? How about afterwards? I imagine you still felt like crap for a while? What was the thing that made you feel like crap after getting over the shock of it? Sorry I hope I'm not picking at scabs, just curious. I felt like crap afterwards because it seemed so disrespectful. I felt decieved which led to anger. She also didnt contact me afterwards so it appears like dumping me was so easy for her. Luckily, I had supportive friends that took me to the bar to get hammered...
Confusedguy81 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I also have to add for me it was the fear of my age, he dumped me on my 38th birthday for a girl 16 years younger than me. I was sure I was too old to start a new relationship since I convinced myself that all men my age are either married or only want to date college aged girls. I guess that goes into the ego blow though. Not all guys are like that. There are good guys out there and 38 aint old (hell 48 aint old).
annxxdisaster Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 This doesn't really answer your question, but when I read it I thought it was cute...for lack of a better term. It's still sort of relevant, seeing as it lists the positives of being broken up with. http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-9-reasons-its-better-to-get-dumped/ I mean, who really feels bad for the jerk that walked away? Ahem, anway. For me, when a relationship is about to end I feel like I know that it should end I'm just not strong enough or I'm too afraid of jumping the gun and losing something that may possibly be great or someone I love for reasons that could be worked on and fixed. So it's kind of that, "dammit, they beat me to it!" sort of feeling. And then your typical nights of staying awake trying to figure out what's wrong with me.
DustySaltus Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 No one likes someone who quits instead of putting in the hard work to fix things. That was my biggest problem.
Author Ilovecake Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 Not all guys are like that. There are good guys out there and 38 aint old (hell 48 aint old). I know that now, but in the beginning those were my irrational issues. It took a few guys flirting with me to get me out of that thought process.
LovelyDaze Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I'd say the healing part. After the shock wears off and the SO is gone, that period of recovery is so tough.
Author Ilovecake Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 I'd say the healing part. After the shock wears off and the SO is gone, that period of recovery is so tough. OK I get that but it's very broad. Can you specifically say what part of the healing is the worst for you? An example would be for some people getting used to being alone, for others just fixing their damaged ego, for some people getting back out there and being social again. Do you know what I mean? Like what's been the most difficult aspect of the healing process. I personally never had a problem with the being alone part. I'm an introvert so I actually enjoyed having more time by myself but couldn't cope with how unwanted and underappreciated I felt. Sorry to push but I’m sort of looking for specifics. I’m wondering what it is the root of the pain for each of us. We all have different fears and it's those fears that are feeding our heartaches and holding us back from moving on. My fear is that I'm not good enough to be loved, it's not rational and it stems from my childhood. I think if we can just put our finger on that specific thing we can work on overcoming that which will help the healing.
Silver_star Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Just curious what aspect of the breakup hurt you the most? Is it the actual loss of that particular person, is it fear of loneliness, is it the big change in your daily routine, is it the blow to your ego, is it financial, spiritual, is it the embarrassment, is it the betrayal, is it the loss of intimacy and moral and emotional support, worry about your children and how they will handle it? What would you say it was for you? I think because I was already aware that the relationship was absolute crap the blow to my self esteem was the hardest part for me and the longest process of healing. Second hardest was the change of daily routine. I haven’t had a really good home brewed cup off coffee in a year and a half. The change in routine is hard. The worst part for me was the betrayl, of once thinking we were on the same page and that he loved me and the next day him taking all of that away and throwing me away like i was nothing, disposable. Feeling like someone you regarded as your best friend is not there anymore...by choice.
rand0m Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 At first, I think it was knowing that I was losing the thing I loved most in my life. The person I gave everything for, fought to keep my feelings alive when I saw them fading in the past, and never let go. To watch her give up, seemingly so easily, was unfair when I never walked away, even though there were times I felt like it. I never gave up, and because of that, my feelings grew stronger and stronger. I was also terrified of losing her family, the dogs, my life as I knew it. I can't believe I won't get to see her sister grow up, or be there for more family birthdays/dinners. I mean, I could, she's certainly expressed that she wants me to be at bbq's, dinners, around the house, taking the dogs to the beach, etc., but I cannot be friends with her, so I have to walk away. Start a new life.
Author Ilovecake Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 The change in routine is hard. The worst part for me was the betrayl, of once thinking we were on the same page and that he loved me and the next day him taking all of that away and throwing me away like i was nothing, disposable. Feeling like someone you regarded as your best friend is not there anymore...by choice. Yeah I had that too and then there was the new girlfriend and knowing that he ws doing things with her that for a lack of a better word I considered sacred to us. He went on the same trips with her that we took just a few months before, introduced her to my friends’ (our friends). It really fed into the whole feeling ordinary thing. Like nothing about the 4 years was special to him.
Author Ilovecake Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 At first, I think it was knowing that I was losing the thing I loved most in my life. The person I gave everything for, fought to keep my feelings alive when I saw them fading in the past, and never let go. To watch her give up, seemingly so easily, was unfair when I never walked away, even though there were times I felt like it. I never gave up, and because of that, my feelings grew stronger and stronger. I was also terrified of losing her family, the dogs, my life as I knew it. I can't believe I won't get to see her sister grow up, or be there for more family birthdays/dinners. I mean, I could, she's certainly expressed that she wants me to be at bbq's, dinners, around the house, taking the dogs to the beach, etc., but I cannot be friends with her, so I have to walk away. Start a new life. The family part is horrible. Twice I have been there for a birth as well as knowing the kid for the first few years of their life and being called aunt. The realization that if the kids saw me now they wouldn't know who I am breaks my heart. Also his mom treating me like her daughter and now knowing two weeks after last seeing her she's treating some other girl like a daughter. It's so painful.
Silver_star Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Yeah I had that too and then there was the new girlfriend and knowing that he ws doing things with her that for a lack of a better word I considered sacred to us. He went on the same trips with her that we took just a few months before, introduced her to my friends’ (our friends). It really fed into the whole feeling ordinary thing. Like nothing about the 4 years was special to him. Yep. I dont know that he got a new gf yet or not. But i know 10 days after he was with another girl on new years eve kissing her, and dancing and laughing while i was out with my friends putting on a fake smile...was his real? Its hard to think people can be so mutipersonality. Our trips to the cabin are now going to be for him and someone else...but i know i will make new memories and new vacations and special moments with someone better...someone who loves me more.
soleharmony1123 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Just curious what aspect of the breakup hurt you the most? Is it the actual loss of that particular person, is it fear of loneliness, is it the big change in your daily routine, is it the blow to your ego, is it financial, spiritual, is it the embarrassment, is it the betrayal, is it the loss of intimacy and moral and emotional support, worry about your children and how they will handle it? What would you say it was for you? I believe for me what hurt the most is my ex was someone I thought I could trust implicitly. Before we went into a relationship we had always been the closest of friends, best friends. Our families were real close when we were young teenagers - he was 10 and I was 12. I was his babysitter one summer. We had a special bond/connection that neither of us had ever shared with any one else. We'd both been married before, but never felt that sort of connection with our spouses. Then fast-forward 15 years later, and the special connection developed into a relationship. Three years later, he decides to toss everything aside - history, love, the connection, the friendship...everything. Of course, he tried the friendship curve, but I refused to accept those crumbs. Now, he's been doing the most unfriendly thing he could possibly do -calling me almost every day, thus refusing to allow me space to heal and move on with my life. So, I had to go NC 100%. It's been one full week so far and it feels good. -Soleharmony
Silver_star Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Good job Soleharmony Stay strong, and keep yourself busy. NC!
soleharmony1123 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Good job Soleharmony Stay strong, and keep yourself busy. NC! Thanks, Silver_Star!
Abril Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 i think the worst part form been dumped is dont know the reason why you got dumped
myhearthurtsbadly Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Missing my best friend and the person i spent most of my time with. Also im terrified of her sleepng with someone else. Makes me feel sick.
just1guy Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 (edited) For me it was: 1. She left without even trying to keep the relationship during the time when things got past the honeymoon phase. We were about to celebrate our 2 year anniversary. 2. It came out of nowhere. We had made plans to throw a holiday party so I had to contact everyone to tell them that it was canceled. We were also planning to get married and had begun engagement ring shopping also. Both of our parents knew I was going to propose. 3. I felt betrayed because she found a new boyfriend a month later. 4. Having to live alone in the house that I bought for us. Everything there reminds me of her. Edited March 16, 2010 by just1guy
LovelyDaze Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 OK I get that but it's very broad. Can you specifically say what part of the healing is the worst for you? An example would be for some people getting used to being alone, for others just fixing their damaged ego, for some people getting back out there and being social again. Do you know what I mean? Like what's been the most difficult aspect of the healing process. I personally never had a problem with the being alone part. I'm an introvert so I actually enjoyed having more time by myself but couldn't cope with how unwanted and underappreciated I felt. Sorry to push but I’m sort of looking for specifics. I’m wondering what it is the root of the pain for each of us. We all have different fears and it's those fears that are feeding our heartaches and holding us back from moving on. My fear is that I'm not good enough to be loved, it's not rational and it stems from my childhood. I think if we can just put our finger on that specific thing we can work on overcoming that which will help the healing. No problem, ilovecake. I think for me, it is facing the broken relationship head on and having to dissect what went wrong on MY part. My ex may be the one who cheated and left but I chose to be with this person even when I saw red flags earlier. He used to lie occasionally about his whereabouts and not call me back when he said he would. That was just the mild parts which lead him to his trip to Vegas with his buddies and ultimately meeting a girl there that he got engaged to within TWO WEEKS. I tend to pick men who are emotionally bankrupt. That's the pattern I have found and to face that was rough because even to the guy I just dated this year, I am still not choosing correctly. The healing is hard because I can't cover things up with a new boyfriend. I have to sit alone and learn to love myself. For some reason, that is hard for a lot of us to do. I am learning to love my own time and company a little bit everyday and I say to myself that I can not date again until I can say truthfully that I am happy as is. The truth of that is hard to swallow but that's how I know I am healing correctly now.
ADF Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 The worst part of getting dumped is having to hear, "but I'll always be your friend." Excuse me? No, you won't. You don't get to dump me then expect me to be your buddy. Get lost.
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