LosingBattle Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 My girlfriend and I have had an extremely short (just a matter of 7 or so weeks) yet very intense relationship. I love her dearly. I was married in the past (am now nearly through with my divorce), and I've never before cheated on anyone. In fact, I left my (soon-to-be) ex-wife because she had cheated on me. I've had plenty of relationships since my divorce and know, without a doubt, that my girlfriend is the woman for me. She feels just as strongly about me. How did you deal with her cheating on you? Obviously you filed for divorce, but that doesn't eliminate the feelings of betrayal. Did you really get over her cheating on you? I don't mean like you already accepted it rationally, but emotionally, subconsciously, are you OVER it? Did it make you insecure and distrusting of women in general? I'm saying this because I have a theory that cheating is harder on men, and men usually want to "get even" even if it's not with the cheater, just to feel secure about themselves. Which is NOT the way to deal with it. I was visiting another city on business with some coworker buddies, went out drinking on night and I hooked up with a random girl at a bar. It all happened so fast - she came onto me, we small talked, she took me into the bathroom, and then some things happened. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, I knew my girlfriend would be devastated, and I knew that if she found out it would mean the end of our relationship. If you weren't drunk enough to still be able to realize what you were doing was wrong, then WHY did you do it? I know this is something Dr. Phil would tell you, but really if you knew it was downright wrong WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU DO IT? You were sober enough to realize. It's easy, if you know what you're doing will hurt your relationship, that it'll hurt your girlfriend, then don't do it. Especially if you'll never see bathroom stall girl anymore... you'll see your girlfriend for sure! Please... please! I know I'm a jerk, an *******, and several (many) other horrible things. I know if I tell her, it would mean the end of our relationship -- and frankly, I believe I would deserve that. I'm wracked with guilt. I would never do this again. But I know that those words would likely be meaningless to her (like me, her ex- had cheated on her.) I'm absolutely torn about what to do. Should I tell her about this? I feel like it's the right thing to do: tell her, and deal with the consequences of my actions. Or should I just focus on making our budding relationship the best that it possibly can be? The idea of hurting her has me in tears... not because she'd leave me (she would), but because I can't bear the thought of how much I would hurt her. My friends are telling me not to tell her. They said that the guilt that I'm feeling is punishment for my actions as long as I never do it again. I don't know if I agree with this. I feel like a piece of ****. I ****ed up. The thing is, you either did it because you don't really love her or because you still have bagagge and unresolved issues with your ex wife cheating on you. What you did was not the best way to deal with it though, it's good you realize that. But now the dishes are broken. Someone has to deal with the mess.
calizaggy Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 Seriously, be a man.. What good to you think will come from telling her?
txsilkysmoothe Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 The only thing worse than cheating? Lying! She deserves the truth. And while you're at it, tell her how your six guy friends know all about it too. You wronged her AGAIN when you told them what you had done to HER. That just makes it more difficult for her to overcome. what were you thinking?
Dexter Morgan Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 My girlfriend and I have had an extremely short (just a matter of 7 or so weeks) yet very intense relationship. I love her dearly. I was married in the past (am now nearly through with my divorce), and I've never before cheated on anyone. In fact, I left my (soon-to-be) ex-wife because she had cheated on me. absolutely you tell her, she deserves to know the truth and deserves to know what she is committed to. you had the information to make the decision about how to proceed with your life with your xW....now give you girlfriend the same courtesy so she can decide whether she wants a cheater or not.
CandyGirlXO Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 Yeah...you really do need to tell her. Threads like this make me feel like if given the chance MOST men will cheat. Keep us updated... I want to know how this turns out. I know I have been the random girl (when I was single and completely heartbroken and didn't believe in love) Go ahead and bash me all you want. I deserve it as well. But now that I am better, and in love. It is wrong to deceive someone. It is wrong to cheat. I never would, and IF I did, I would 100% tell my BF. I wouldn't be able to live with myself any other way.
AAlike Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 Seriously, be a man.. What good to you think will come from telling her? it's the only way to get rid of what already seems to be gut-wrenching guilt. Seriously man, guilt doesn't go away with time - au contraire, it just bottles up deeper and deeper and manifests itself in really messed-up ways. If it's this bad now, it'll consume you later - and no amount of overcompensation or "attempting to be the perfect boyfriend" will get rid of it, that will only suppress it more. the only way to rid yourself of it is to come clean. if he had no conscience or remorse about it and was only wondering what the easiest way out was, then I'd tell him that perhaps he could consider rolling the dice...but if he's already losing sleep and on the verge of tears (which I suppose is a good thing in the long run), then he pretty much has to come clean for his own benefit even, relationship issues aside.
AAlike Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 Threads like this make me feel like if given the chance MOST men will cheat. careful...don't genderfy this... I know I have been the random girl (when I was single and completely heartbroken and didn't believe in love) Go ahead and bash me all you want. I deserve it as well. But now that I am better, and in love. It is wrong to deceive someone. It is wrong to cheat. Threads like this make me feel like if they have a bad experience or two that MOST women will turn into active homewreckers.
Miad's Princess Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 Well like an idiot I told maybe 6 or so of my closest friends. They think its amazing that a woman jumped my bones, and say they would have done the same thing... tell me not to tell my GF and say they wont tell anyone Look at your statement above. These men are not your friends, so they think it is amazing some girl jumped your bones do they? well it is as amazing as your girl jumping some other guys bones... or even there missus jumping on someone else, wonder if it would be an exciting thought then hmmm yea nice friends you have (not) As for you whether you agree or not to what they told you, you still done the dirty deed. So what are you going to do about it? you keep saying you will tell her but have you actually done it? Oh and I would ditch these so called friends if I were you!
Green Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 Telling her will only break her trust in you. In my mind you need to leave her and start over, its the least selfish thing to do. That was really silly of you to tell all your 6 close friends. You just go around burdening everyone with your weakness.
lettopher234567 Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 tell her.... i was in this situation, i drunkenly cheated on my bf, and within a week the guilt had eaten me up so much i had to tell him, and no one knew, so i could've got away with it! But be warned, you most probably will loose her, and it'll be really horrible, but if you really do love her then you should want her to be happy, and she can't be genuinely happy if its all a lie.
Taramere Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 My friends are telling me not to tell her. They said that the guilt that I'm feeling is punishment for my actions as long as I never do it again. I don't know if I agree with this. I feel like a piece of ****. I ****ed up. Are those the same friends who were slapping you on the back about it all? Kind of a mixed message there. I would think that even if you don't tell her, the guilt plus the worry that someone else might tell her is going to have a very negative impact on the relationship. She'll pick up that something's wrong...and the most usual conclusion to draw in a situation like that is generally "there's another woman on the scene." If you tell her, there's a fair chance that she'll want to know WHY you're telling her. Is it because you think she's likely to find out from someone else? Is it because you can't bear the guilt you're feeling, and want to unburden yourself of it - regardless of the distress doing so will cause to her? Is it because you want the relationship to end, but want to hand her the responsibility for ending it? I think those are all quite normal questions to go through a person's head when they're being informed "I was unfaithful to you." To counter that, in the event that you disclose this cheating incident (and nobody can really tell you whether it's right or wrong to disclose it) you probably need to let her know 1. This relationship is extremely important to you, and you want it to continue 2. You have f*cked up really badly. Don't something very stupid. You're afraid to tell her what, because you're afraid of losing the relationship., but you're afraid that if you keep carrying all that guilt around, you're going to destroy things in any event. 3. You are prepared to do whatever you can to try to mend the damage. There's not really much more you can say. I'm not convinced that an admission of cheating is a glorious and brave action on anyone's part, because I think often it is more just a case of a pre-emptive strike (if I don't tell them someone else might) plus guilt (the confession will make me feel better, and that's what really counts more than anything else).
Tony T Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 There are very few cases where a lady, cheated on with a guy who asked her to be his girlfriend three weeks before, would want to stay with him. Matter of fact, if she had a knife nearby she would probably not have a difficult time deciding what to use it on. To avoid telling her you cheated, just tell her good-bye. Same difference, actually.
Bubblicious Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 I know it's hard but you should tell her. You also need to get yourself tested and hopefully you haven't been sleeping with her since you cheated as you could have passed something to her as well. If you have told your friends, the chances of her finding out are much higher so it's better she hears it from you than from someone else. At least you get the chance to put it across in your way and let her know how sorry you are and hopefully you can work things out. Look at poor Sandra Bullock and the devastation caused when she found out her husband was cheating http://www.infidelity.spysupermarket.co.uk/ I know it's different as he was a cheat before he married her but the point is that the way she found out adds insult to injury. If you're not a cheater by nature, you won't be able to live with the guilty secret.
Skump Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Jeez, sh*t... given that she's already been cheated on once... the greater good might really be served here by finding some other pretext for ending the relationship. Suffering serial cheating really screws a lot of people up, as you might've gathered from reading this forum! Why not tell her you think you're gay? That ought to do it. Oh, and try expanding your social circle beyond sufferers of ethical atavism.
speechiekeen Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 If her ass looked big in a pair of jeans (and she was unable to change clothes) would you tell her that too? Whoever says that honesty is the best policy is thinking in black and white. You are in a grey area. Do not tell her if it was just a one time thing. Would you really be making yourself feel better by making her feel badly? I do not think either of you would feel better. Just remember how cheating makes you feel and don't do it again.
bluebird25 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 I found out my boyfriend of 2 years cheated on me 6 months into our relationship. I don't know what I would have done if he told me right away, especially since it was early on in our relationship. Maybe I would have broken up with him right away, maybe I would have given him another chance if I could see he was truly remorseful for what he had did. But I can tell you that now that I know, I feel like the past year and a half was a complete lie. I look at pictures and videos of us now, how happy I was in them, and my heart breaks knowing I didn't know. I wouldn't have seen it coming. When you find out that someone close to you has been hiding something from you for an extended period of time, it just makes you feel so completely and utterly stupid. Just so stupid that you didn't have a clue, and how someone used that to his/her advantage. Your girlfriend will feel like that when she finds out. And she will. It's so cliche, but the truth will always come out (especially since you've told your friends, too). She may break up with you and if she does, you will have to face those consequences. But if she can see that it was a mistake and that you will do everything and anything to make it up to her, then she will give you another chance. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal, but I would like to believe that it can bring some good out of people. She may see some good in you. You were selfish and disrespectful for one moment of instant gratification. You will only continue to be that way if you don't tell her.
Jersey Shortie Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Please tell her. You don't own the right to make such big life choices for her. IF she decides she can forgive and work on the relationship, then you can work on being a better man. Your friends back slapping and high-fiving is of some concern. There is no such thing as not telling someone the truth in order to "bare the burden of the mistake". This is mearly what people tell themselves so they can continue on the path of least resistance. Any punishment you think you'd give yourself is not nearly as bad as having to face the efforts of your consequences. Please tell her what happened. Would you want a woman making that choice for you if she was the one to cheat on you?
AAlike Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 If her ass looked big in a pair of jeans (and she was unable to change clothes) would you tell her that too? Whoever says that honesty is the best policy is thinking in black and white. You are in a grey area. Do not tell her if it was just a one time thing. Would you really be making yourself feel better by making her feel badly? I do not think either of you would feel better. Just remember how cheating makes you feel and don't do it again. so are you suggesting ending the relationship under a different premise (I guess there could be some merit to that) or are you saying just pretend it never happened? I just don't see that being an option considering the guilt that he's already feeling.
CrissyQ Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Sometimes honest is not the best policy.If you want to keep her in your life,then don't tell her.But then again you could tell her and deal with the consequences.I say zip your lips and stop going around telling other people,now theses buddies of your's have dirt on you,and you wouldn't want one of them to come around 15 years from now and you're married with this woman with 2 kids living happy and they tell her what you did along time ago......see you should have kept your mouth closed.
aerogurl87 Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Well she deserves to know the truth. As a one time cheater, I told my boyfriend I cheated on him the very next day after it happened. I was crying on the phone but it got out there. He left me, and to be honest I was relieved, he knew the truth and now he had a choice. He could either take me back or leave me alone forever. He took me back and still held a grudge against me. So if you do tell her and you two do stay together and she refuses to forgive you I'd say to leave her. It's not worth the drama.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 If her ass looked big in a pair of jeans (and she was unable to change clothes) would you tell her that too? Whoever says that honesty is the best policy is thinking in black and white.. Its not about being the best policy FOR THE CHEATER. Its about doing the decent thing and not continuing to lie and deceive the person the cheater claims to love. Coming clean isn't about the cheater...its about the betrayed deserving to know what kind of person they are committed to so they can make informed decisions about their life.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Please tell her. You don't own the right to make such big life choices for her. this needed a bump......spot on.
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