brokenguy Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 My girlfriend and I have had an extremely short (just a matter of 7 or so weeks) yet very intense relationship. I love her dearly. I was married in the past (am now nearly through with my divorce), and I've never before cheated on anyone. In fact, I left my (soon-to-be) ex-wife because she had cheated on me. I've had plenty of relationships since my divorce and know, without a doubt, that my girlfriend is the woman for me. She feels just as strongly about me. I was visiting another city on business with some coworker buddies, went out drinking on night and I hooked up with a random girl at a bar. It all happened so fast - she came onto me, we small talked, she took me into the bathroom, and then some things happened. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, I knew my girlfriend would be devastated, and I knew that if she found out it would mean the end of our relationship. Please... please! I know I'm a jerk, an *******, and several (many) other horrible things. I know if I tell her, it would mean the end of our relationship -- and frankly, I believe I would deserve that. I'm wracked with guilt. I would never do this again. But I know that those words would likely be meaningless to her (like me, her ex- had cheated on her.) I'm absolutely torn about what to do. Should I tell her about this? I feel like it's the right thing to do: tell her, and deal with the consequences of my actions. Or should I just focus on making our budding relationship the best that it possibly can be? The idea of hurting her has me in tears... not because she'd leave me (she would), but because I can't bear the thought of how much I would hurt her. My friends are telling me not to tell her. They said that the guilt that I'm feeling is punishment for my actions as long as I never do it again. I don't know if I agree with this. I feel like a piece of ****. I ****ed up.
sally4sara Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Honesty is always the best policy. If only to be able to look yourself in the eye in the morning mirror. Here are the other reasons why: 1. It is too soon to know if you caught anything from Random Girl. Condoms do not protect completely and there are STDs that they hardly protect you from at all. HPV - which there is no test for men; they have to present symptoms and don't always present while staying a carrier. Herpes. Condoms do not do much to protect you from this. I doubt you got so personal with Random Girl to learn her sexual history or really examine the playing field of her body for indications of surface STDs. It speaks to your concern for your GF's health if you are honest with her before having sex with her again. If you've already had sex with her since hooking up with Random Girl, you're probably cooked. If you come clean prior and state you wish to be tested, you might get some consideration. 2. If you're not honest and the relationship continues, every good thing your GF does or say to you will not be truly enjoyed by you. You won't feel like you deserve it. There will always be that "Ugh, I'm such a tool" behind it. 3. Anything she does that you don't like, you will begin to use the fact you cheated as part of the reason why you tolerate it. Real issues will get ignore and the relationship will crumble because you will feel like you don't have a leg to stand on to voice your preference of how you feel you should be treated. You will begin to put her on the pedestal, till one day you get sick of whatever it is you don't like and it will seem like it came out of nowhere to your GF. She won't respect your reaction and you will come off like a tantrumy child because you let it fester out of guilt.
Silver_star Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 My girlfriend and I have had an extremely short (just a matter of 7 or so weeks) yet very intense relationship. I love her dearly. I was married in the past (am now nearly through with my divorce), and I've never before cheated on anyone. In fact, I left my (soon-to-be) ex-wife because she had cheated on me. I've had plenty of relationships since my divorce and know, without a doubt, that my girlfriend is the woman for me. She feels just as strongly about me. I was visiting another city on business with some coworker buddies, went out drinking on night and I hooked up with a random girl at a bar. It all happened so fast - she came onto me, we small talked, she took me into the bathroom, and then some things happened. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, I knew my girlfriend would be devastated, and I knew that if she found out it would mean the end of our relationship. Please... please! I know I'm a jerk, an *******, and several (many) other horrible things. I know if I tell her, it would mean the end of our relationship -- and frankly, I believe I would deserve that. I'm wracked with guilt. I would never do this again. But I know that those words would likely be meaningless to her (like me, her ex- had cheated on her.) I'm absolutely torn about what to do. Should I tell her about this? I feel like it's the right thing to do: tell her, and deal with the consequences of my actions. Or should I just focus on making our budding relationship the best that it possibly can be? The idea of hurting her has me in tears... not because she'd leave me (she would), but because I can't bear the thought of how much I would hurt her. My friends are telling me not to tell her. They said that the guilt that I'm feeling is punishment for my actions as long as I never do it again. I don't know if I agree with this. I feel like a piece of ****. I ****ed up. This will eat you up inside and eventually it will come out...its either now or down the road. Personally id resent you more if it came out down the road that you cheated on me. Let her have the choice for forgiveness...and let your concience free. Maybe you dove into the relationship too quickly?
Lizzie60 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Of course you need to tell her.. that will probably the majority of the advices on here.. Only YOU know.. If you want to end the relationship.. well.. then .. by all means, tell her.. if you want to work it out.. you need to bring your secret to your tomb.
Author brokenguy Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 Of course you need to tell her.. that will probably the majority of the advices on here.. Only YOU know.. If you want to end the relationship.. well.. then .. by all means, tell her.. if you want to work it out.. you need to bring your secret to your tomb. Well like an idiot I told maybe 6 or so of my closest friends. They think its amazing that a woman jumped my bones, and say they would have done the same thing... tell me not to tell my GF and say they wont tell anyone... but it scares me that thats already out there. I should have kept my mouth shut to them until I knew what I was going to do as far as telling my GF or not.
Trojan John Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Well like an idiot I told maybe 6 or so of my closest friends. They think its amazing that a woman jumped my bones, and say they would have done the same thing... tell me not to tell my GF and say they wont tell anyone... but it scares me that thats already out there. I should have kept my mouth shut to them until I knew what I was going to do as far as telling my GF or not. You don't get to decide for her whether or not she wants to stay with a cheater. And now that 6 of your friends know (probably more than that by now) it's more than likely going to get back to your girlfriend one way or another. Imagine her reaction when she finds out that not only did you cheat on her, but you've also been withholding that information from her AND bragging to your friends about it.
Author brokenguy Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 You don't get to decide for her whether or not she wants to stay with a cheater. And now that 6 of your friends know (probably more than that by now) it's more than likely going to get back to your girlfriend one way or another. Imagine her reaction when she finds out that not only did you cheat on her, but you've also been withholding that information from her AND bragging to your friends about it. Hey man listen theres a difference between bragging and how I feel. I am ashamed of it. I went to them for advice, told them the story and they think its awesome. I think its terrible. Good point though.
sally4sara Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Hey man listen theres a difference between bragging and how I feel. I am ashamed of it. I went to them for advice, told them the story and they think its awesome. I think its terrible. Good point though. From the sounds of it, they are hardly a good source for advise. If you've known them for any length of time, you have seen how they handle stuff in their own personal life and should know better than to think they would have any worthwhile input. They think what you did was cool! So perhaps your lack of judgment touches all aspects of your life including who you sleep with, who you marry, when to be honest and the kinds of people you choose to be friends with. Even more reason to give this girl you think is so great a heads up on what you do? I think so.
Lizzie60 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 well like an idiot i told maybe 6 or so of my closest friends. They think its amazing that a woman jumped my bones, and say they would have done the same thing... Tell me not to tell my gf and say they wont tell anyone... But it scares me that thats already out there. i should have kept my mouth shut to them until i knew what i was going to do as far as telling my gf or not. yep!!!.............
Author brokenguy Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 damn it i really am the worst i cant believe how bad ive ruined my life...
Trojan John Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Sorry, I meant to imply that she will probably view it as you bragging to them, not that you were doing so. Despite what Lizzie says, this is an issue of trust and honesty, both of which you have no right to deny your gf. That being said, do what you think is best for your own relationship, and what is honestly in the best interest of your girlfriend.
Silver_star Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 after hearing that brokeguy i dont even feel bad for you. I hope you lose your relationship, and im pretty satisfied and confident that you will sooner or later.
Author brokenguy Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 after hearing that brokeguy i dont even feel bad for you. I hope you lose your relationship, and im pretty satisfied and confident that you will sooner or later. After hearing what? I don't understand.
AAlike Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Well, if you're feeling this guilty this early, you have to tell her - guilt doesn't go away, it will only get worse and worse. Even though it may seem like you are risking your relationship, that guilt will eat you up over time, and it's only going to get more difficult to tell her down the road. Your only POTENTIAL saving grace is that you are a mere 7 weeks into this relationship...have you clearly defined exclusivity at this point?
Silver_star Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 After hearing what? I don't understand. After reading that you told 6 friends. You obviously wanted to brag to them about this girl "jumping your bones". It shows how much you care about your gf that you not only cheat..you also high five about it with friends. Super cool.
Author brokenguy Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 Well, if you're feeling this guilty this early, you have to tell her - guilt doesn't go away, it will only get worse and worse. Even though it may seem like you are risking your relationship, that guilt will eat you up over time, and it's only going to get more difficult to tell her down the road. Your only POTENTIAL saving grace is that you are a mere 7 weeks into this relationship...have you clearly defined exclusivity at this point? Maybe about 3 weeks or so ago, we talked and I told her I didnt want to date anyone but her and asked her to be my gf.
Author brokenguy Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 After reading that you told 6 friends. You obviously wanted to brag to them about this girl "jumping your bones". It shows how much you care about your gf that you not only cheat..you also high five about it with friends. Super cool. I have a close network of friends and there are 7 of us in total. I went to them for advice and told them all the story in one sitting. I know what I did was wrong but i certainly wasnt high fiving, in fact i was trying not to cry.
AAlike Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Maybe about 3 weeks or so ago, we talked and I told her I didnt want to date anyone but her and asked her to be my gf. ah, well that doesn't help a whole lot. maybe just say you were scared of recommiting and/or had an axe to grind from your previous marriage? I dunno man. you're certainly up against it, but at this point you've got nothing to lose. and yeah, a definite WTF on telling both that many people and people that would react that way - having one or two confidants for something like this is OK, but six?? and it seems like none of the six was a very good choice.
Silver_star Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I have a close network of friends and there are 7 of us in total. I went to them for advice and told them all the story in one sitting. I know what I did was wrong but i certainly wasnt high fiving, in fact i was trying not to cry. You went to them for advice eh? Did you know how sensitive they would be upon asking for it? How you would be praised and advised on the brotherly code of silence? You know how that code is broken down dont you? its called booze and time and one day or another either someones going to get drunk and let it slip to girlfriend or someone who knows your girlfriend or over time one of these friends resents you for something and tells her. I think she needs to know regardless, and you need to be held responsible for your actions. It will eat you alive, and you should be more morally responsible next time. I dont care if it happend so fast or it didnt...it wont matter to her either..you committed a serious act of betrayl in your relationship. You have to tell her so that you can have an honest future relationship if shes willing to forgive you, but you have permanently effed up the trust she will have in you. OH yes...and female intuition is quite strong she will sense that something is the matter soon enough.
sally4sara Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 OH yes...and female intuition is quite strong she will sense that something is the matter soon enough. I don't know about female intuition, but oh yeah, if you're really feeling guilty she will know something is up. I can think of three times I just knew I'd been cheated on with no one telling me a word about it.
twhisperer Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 My girlfriend and I have had an extremely short (just a matter of 7 or so weeks) yet very intense relationship. I love her dearly. I was married in the past (am now nearly through with my divorce), and I've never before cheated on anyone. In fact, I left my (soon-to-be) ex-wife because she had cheated on me. I've had plenty of relationships since my divorce and know, without a doubt, that my girlfriend is the woman for me. She feels just as strongly about me. I was visiting another city on business with some coworker buddies, went out drinking on night and I hooked up with a random girl at a bar. It all happened so fast - she came onto me, we small talked, she took me into the bathroom, and then some things happened. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, I knew my girlfriend would be devastated, and I knew that if she found out it would mean the end of our relationship. Please... please! I know I'm a jerk, an *******, and several (many) other horrible things. I know if I tell her, it would mean the end of our relationship -- and frankly, I believe I would deserve that. I'm wracked with guilt. I would never do this again. But I know that those words would likely be meaningless to her (like me, her ex- had cheated on her.) I'm absolutely torn about what to do. Should I tell her about this? I feel like it's the right thing to do: tell her, and deal with the consequences of my actions. Or should I just focus on making our budding relationship the best that it possibly can be? The idea of hurting her has me in tears... not because she'd leave me (she would), but because I can't bear the thought of how much I would hurt her. My friends are telling me not to tell her. They said that the guilt that I'm feeling is punishment for my actions as long as I never do it again. I don't know if I agree with this. I feel like a piece of ****. I ****ed up. Even though it was only 7 weeks it sounds like a close relationship, so yes, you cheated. Given the level that the two of you are involved I think it's best that you tell her.
reservoirdog1 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 This is clearly bothering you a great deal. Which is an excellent reason why you should tell her, and tell her now. Let me explain why. You say you love her dearly. And I expect that, if you keep this secret, you'll spend the coming months or years bending over backwards to be the best BF you can be to her, to (in your mind) make up for what you did. She'll think it's wonderful, but she'll be oblivious. What she won't know is that you're doing it largely out of guilt. In any event, she'll probably fall in love with you. In your mind and heart, however, all the wonderful stuff you do for her will NOT erase the guilt you feel. Which means that, sometime down the road, you will probably feel sufficiently burdened that you'll feel the need to bare your soul to your GF. And guess what? When she finally hears the truth she could well feel, understandably, like her relationship with you has been a fraud, since the day you cheated on her. Which, I don't think I really need to point out, will be a HELL of a lot more painful a realization for her in the future, when she's deeply in love with you and is building a future with you, than the simple realization NOW that her BF of seven weeks banged some chick in a bathroom stall. You owe it to her to come clean. If you don't, you're taking HUGE liberties with her life (and her health), and making decisions about the course of her life that you have absolutely no right to make. She has the right to choose her path armed with all the relevant information. Yes, the price could be your relationship with her. You already feel like a piece of shyt. Don't make yourself even more of a piece of shyt by continuing to carry on the deception.
make me believe Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Wow. Only seven weeks into a relationship with a woman you "love" intensely, and you bone the first drunk girl who throws herself at you?? You absolutely need to tell your gf because she has the right to know ALL of the facts about your relationship. You willingly jeapordized things with her to fk some chick you didn't even know. That's low. Plus, I guarantee you that since you already told a bunch of your friends she will find out eventually, and she will feel even worse knowing that everyone was talking about it behind her back and giving you a proverbial slap on the back while promising to keep it a secret from her.
Author brokenguy Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 I deserve everything everyone is saying to me... believe me I know what I did was wrong. It is low, and I am a bad person. I need to tell her.
reservoirdog1 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 (edited) Wow. Only seven weeks into a relationship with a woman you "love" intensely, and you bone the first drunk girl who throws herself at you?? You absolutely need to tell your gf because she has the right to know ALL of the facts about your relationship. You willingly jeapordized things with her to fk some chick you didn't even know. That's low. Plus, I guarantee you that since you already told a bunch of your friends she will find out eventually, and she will feel even worse knowing that everyone was talking about it behind her back and giving you a proverbial slap on the back while promising to keep it a secret from her. Excellent point. It's difficult enough to keep a secret between two people. But where there's half a dozen of your friends who know the truth? Somebody's gonna blab. Everybody loves gossip. And if your GF later finds out THAT way, in addition to being heartbroken, she'll be completely humiliated, knowing that so many others knew the truth but she didn't. She'll also probably have pretty strong negative feelings towards the guys you told who nonetheless kept it from her and encouraged you to keep silent (especially if they've since become her friends too). Which means that if you're trying to save the relationship at THAT point, your relationship with several of your friends will suffer too -- she could well decide that you shouldn't be friends with people who will encourage you to lie to her. So you'll have to choose between them, and her. From everything you've said, I see this as pretty close to an absolute no-clean-way-out situation. And the LEAST damaging course of action is to tell her the truth now. Edited March 16, 2010 by reservoirdog1
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