Confusedguy81 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I always hear how upset people are about being dumped, and most of the time the person that dumped them is a douchebag. I understand if the person that dumped you was kind and loving, but I see the contrary so often. Often times I discover more about myself when I'm single, which is more important than spending time with someone who brings me down and makes me feel like crap. Ah well. Just thought I would throw in that little rant. Sorry if I upset anyone.
bananaboat11 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 If one isn't content in being single... and comfortable with going to bed by yourself... you are not ready to handle a relationship if you can't handle yourself. Love yourself FIRST. If you can't... can you really expect someone else to?
LovelyDaze Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 If one isn't content in being single... and comfortable with going to bed by yourself... you are not ready to handle a relationship if you can't handle yourself. Love yourself FIRST. If you can't... can you really expect someone else to? That's what I am learning. When I am just living my life fine with work, school, friends, and family..THAT'S when I usually end up meeting a new guy. When I am feeling lonely and just about desperate for a Saturday night date, I find no one. They say, YOU are the love you seek. You have to enjoy your own company and that means just chilling out at home with a good book, walking along through the park or even going to the movies solo. You attract what you give to yourself, so I am taking a dating break to fall in love with ME for a change...something I have never really done until recently.
Ilovecake Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I love being single. I miss intimate moments and stuff like that but overall I've always liked myself a lot more when single. I always take a very long time between relationships because I hate to give up being single.
Rearden Metal Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I've been single very little since I started dating at 15 or so. I'd say in the last 17 yrs, I've been single less than 3 yrs combined. I was with my ex wife from age 20-30, though. I'm starting to enjoy it a little more than I ever did. I still find myself longing for company, as I get bored VERY easily, but the past week I've been getting out and about and not worried about if my phone will ring and I gotta say, it's pretty damn nice!
Els Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I dunno, I love myself plenty. And I'm used to being alone - didn't have a relationship for the first 18 years of my life. No siblings, either. But there's this thing about attachment that's so hard to break, even though the person really was bad for you. I don't think most people are unhappy about being single per se... they're unhappy that a person they're still attached to is out of their life.
Lucy_b Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Normaly I find when leaving a relationship and I am single again I can go through the motions of putting every thing into prespective and moving on with a new life lesson of how that was good , and that was bad dont do that again and make myself a stronger woman not bitter as that's just ugly. My nana said it best "Dose not matter what happens during your life it is up to you to either let it break you and hold you back or let it make you stronger there is only one option let it make you stronger"
DustySaltus Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Being single is great on a sunday afternoon when there are three football games and a six pack right next to you with no distractions. Being single sucks when you are sitting a the miscellaneous table with all the weridos at your friend's wedding because there are couples everywhere else. It's all about perspective. But as Banana said above, you can't be with anyone else unless you have your own life together first. A lot of people never do this and they wind up letting someone else define them. Then, when things don't work out they don't know who they are anymore.....
LovelyDaze Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Being single is great on a sunday afternoon when there are three football games and a six pack right next to you with no distractions. Being single sucks when you are sitting a the miscellaneous table with all the weridos at your friend's wedding because there are couples everywhere else. It's all about perspective. But as Banana said above, you can't be with anyone else unless you have your own life together first. A lot of people never do this and they wind up letting someone else define them. Then, when things don't work out they don't know who they are anymore..... Exactly. My dating break is based on this comment. I keep thinking I am over a relationship enough to date then realize...nope. I haven't came to a place where I enjoy my own company 100%. I think we all, dumpees, dumpers, widows, marrieds, singles, couples, just everybody...needs to learn how to love their life as is. Just because you find someone, get married and even stay together a few years, there is no promise that it will last until death. People change. And the person you love rarely changes right in tandem with you growthwise. The only person you are guaranteed to have forever is yourself.
sigurpol Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I may get flamed for this, but.. oh well. It's how I honestly feel. I'm single, and I've been ready to meet someone for a while now, and have hit a lot of speed bumps with women, and thus, I'm kinda in a slump. Anyone who I talk to this about, will usually say, "well you have to love yourself first" or "you have to worry about yourself first". And I'm sorry, but I disagree. If I were to make a list (WERE to make a list, so don't ASK me for this 'list' I speak of) of things that I would want in a relationship... loving myself wouldn't be on there. Why? That to me is being narcissistic. And I'll take a shot in the dark here and say that someone who possesses those qualities isn't someone I want to be dating. I know that's not what people literally mean when they give this advice, but that's the definition of it. If I love myself, then I may be putting myself in first when it comes to everything that my partner and I share. I don't want that. I, if anything, would like compromise when it comes down to it. Sure, we both can win little battles here and there, whatever, but I'm not going to go into a relationship loving myself. I feel high self-esteem and narcissistic people become abrasive under threat. I'm not dealing with that. That doesn't mean I want, or want to be, a depressed person. Then again, that doesn't mean I'm going to love my girlfriend any less. But, now that I've ranted on, I will say at this point in time, I don't like being single. A lot of my friends are married, or engaged, and I'm tired of going out and going home alone. But, tastes change. I'll stop here, hahah.
annxxdisaster Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I may get flamed for this, but.. oh well. It's how I honestly feel. I'm single, and I've been ready to meet someone for a while now, and have hit a lot of speed bumps with women, and thus, I'm kinda in a slump. Anyone who I talk to this about, will usually say, "well you have to love yourself first" or "you have to worry about yourself first". And I'm sorry, but I disagree. If I were to make a list (WERE to make a list, so don't ASK me for this 'list' I speak of) of things that I would want in a relationship... loving myself wouldn't be on there. Why? That to me is being narcissistic. And I'll take a shot in the dark here and say that someone who possesses those qualities isn't someone I want to be dating. I know that's not what people literally mean when they give this advice, but that's the definition of it. If I love myself, then I may be putting myself in first when it comes to everything that my partner and I share. I don't want that. I, if anything, would like compromise when it comes down to it. Sure, we both can win little battles here and there, whatever, but I'm not going to go into a relationship loving myself. I feel high self-esteem and narcissistic people become abrasive under threat. I'm not dealing with that. That doesn't mean I want, or want to be, a depressed person. Then again, that doesn't mean I'm going to love my girlfriend any less. But, now that I've ranted on, I will say at this point in time, I don't like being single. A lot of my friends are married, or engaged, and I'm tired of going out and going home alone. But, tastes change. I'll stop here, hahah. Well, that's not really what loving yourself (to me) means. It's not "my needs above your own" sort of mentality, it's an understanding that it's not fair to you or another person to replace self-love with someone else's. It's understanding that you don't need anyone else to validate who you are or your self worth. It's not even fair to be with someone if that's the case. But it can get really, really tricky separating your true feelings for another person from how you feel receiving affection from someone else. Here are some nice Buddhist quotes I found that really shed light on this matter, or it did for me. "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." "No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path."
Ilovecake Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I absolutely despise that term "loving yourself", it's so pseudo psychobabble, melodramatic and cheesy. I understand that people just mean to have confidence, be happy with who you are, be good to yourself and don't neglect your own needs in order to please others. I just wish they would come up with a better term. Isn't it a given that you're #1 in your own book? That’s healthy not narcissistic.
nobmagnet Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 How about respecting your own needs that doesnt exculde others?
Ilovecake Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 How about respecting your own needs that doesnt exculde others? I'm not sure I know what you mean. Do you mean like neglecting other people? Of course you shouldn't do that but you should also not be a doormat. You have to find that happy medium and know where to draw your boundaries.
Ross PK Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 There are a lot of benefits to being single, so I just sometimes look at those to make myself feel better.
sigurpol Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Well, that's not really what loving yourself (to me) means. It's not "my needs above your own" sort of mentality, it's an understanding that it's not fair to you or another person to replace self-love with someone else's. It's understanding that you don't need anyone else to validate who you are or your self worth. It's not even fair to be with someone if that's the case. But it can get really, really tricky separating your true feelings for another person from how you feel receiving affection from someone else. Here are some nice Buddhist quotes I found that really shed light on this matter, or it did for me. "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." "No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path." I hear ya, and (I think you didn't? haha) don't take offense or feel that I was attacking what you had to say. It's just something I feel very strongly about. But sometimes quotes are something that are therapeutic in their own sense, and if it helps... good!
Ilovecake Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 "you don't need anyone else to validate who you are or your self worth. It's not even fair to be with someone if that's the case." That is very true. You put way too much pressure and expectation on a relationship if you are with someone just to fill a void. Your romantic partner should compliment your life not fix it. I think in this case 'loving yourself' just means that you're OK with who you are and healthy enough to have someone else share your life with you. If you're in a relationship with someone who expects you to give up your needs for theirs you're with the wrong person. [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
murphomatic Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Some good points in this thread - and I think that people in today's society have a HUGE problem with this, and tend to experience codependent dysfunctional relationships as a result. It's good to spend some time being single, getting to know who you are as a whole, without someone else's personae there altering your perspective. Once you figure out who you are, it makes it a whole heck of a lot easier to pick better people to share your life with. So - walk away from the modern-day "relationship transit system" where each partner is just another successive bus-stop on a never ending route of misery, figure out your own spindles and gears, and then come back when you have a concrete idea of which bus to take to a definite destination. I feel a bit sorry for people that jump from relationship to relationship to relationship to relationship, without ever giving themselves time to breathe or re-identify with who they are as an independent person. Talked to a girl the other day who's 35, has been in many relationships since she started dating, and never went more than 3 or 4 weeks being single since she was in her mid-teens. I theorize that inevitably, these people become what I call "relationship junkies", where the only joy they get out of a relationship is when things are shiny and new. Once the "new" wears off (right about the time they get to know their mate better than they know themselves), they jump off that bus and onto another, seeking that "new relationship high." I think people do this because when the infatuation stage ends, they're not sure how the relationship should work because they have no definition of their self, and therefore have no idea how to meet the ongoing needs of their partner....to them, at this point - the relationship just seems like "work," and is no longer worth the effort...so they'd rather start over with someone else. To those that disagree with the whole "Love Yourself" concept: Don't confuse "Love Yourself" with "Idolize Yourself" ... one is healthy, one is narcissistic, arrogant and ignorant. If you DO confuse the two, or otherwise think of them as synonymous, you have some larger issues to work out with regarding how you define "love" in its simplest terms. If you misdefine that basic concept, then you will never see a successful long-term relationship. Not even with yourself.
LovelyDaze Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I think people do this because when the infatuation stage ends, they're not sure how the relationship should work because they have no definition of their self, and therefore have no idea how to meet the ongoing needs of their partner....to them, at this point - the relationship just seems like "work," and is no longer worth the effort...so they'd rather start over with someone else. This paragraph hit me like a Mike Tyson punch to the gut. That's why so many relationships implode. People seek love in other people and get off on the high of the romance and the drama of it all. Once, there wears off, things get run of the mill and most will seek that "high" again in another relationship. I am guilty of it as most of us are. I've learned to just seek to enjoy being single. All drama free and laid back. Concentrating on my goals outside of a relationship is refreshing and enlightening. Once I can see a new boyfriend as an addition to my life rather than my whole life...that's when I know I have got it right. One foot in front of the other....i am going to get there.
murphomatic Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I've learned to just seek to enjoy being single. All drama free and laid back. Concentrating on my goals outside of a relationship is refreshing and enlightening. Once I can see a new boyfriend as an addition to my life rather than my whole life...that's when I know I have got it right.Hear, Hear! By focusing on yourself, your life, and your goals, you'll wind up attracting a person that will live in harmony with that, because they will likely be operating on the same level. The users will move on by because they'll sense you'll not be the one who will idolize them like their ego so desperately desires...that's a great thing! The trick is to be able to not lose sight of your individuality once you become involved again. Of course you want to lend attention and affection to your partner, but that's no reason to sacrifice the person you are that brought them there in the first place.
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