Only married 6 months!

[Lees]

A brief resume of my story.....

 

Met the most wonderful woman, got engaged after a year, lived in adjacent counties for 6 months, together for 7 months after that and then got married during the most fantastic fairytale weekend. I moved my life to be with her in her home town. I thought I had it all. I was so proud of her, love her so completely. She tells me things started going wrong when I moved in - that's 7 months before we got married, we always argued about housework as I'm a bit messy and she's a bit OCD. I never really took it seriously. Had a fabulous honeymoon, and a couple of months later started arguing more and more about housework. She started saying "you're making me ill" and we became more emotionally distant. We talked about relationship counselling but neither of us booked it. She said I didn't support, value or respect her because of the housework. At one point she said "I married you to protect my father" - I have no comprehension of that! I still cooked for her, did the DIY, mowed the lawn, did all the food shopping, fixed the computer or car when needed. I bought her flowers, left love notes and cards. I never disrespected her, even when she embarrassed me in front of my work colleagues by getting thrown out of a club for being drunk and then running off and disappearing inthe middle of the night for several hours. When she came home I just held her and asked what was wrong. About 3 weeks before the end I woke up. I made a superhuman effort to do all the housework, really look after her. I tried to listen, to make her feel even more appreciated. A couple of days before she came home to a house full of roses, fed be strawberries in bed and woke me up in the middle of the night to make love. There were love notes when I got up in the morning which she had left saying how much she was in love with me, how supported she felt. Then she came home 2 days later after a silly argument and said "the marriage is over, there is no future in it."

 

I have assessed myself in this relationship. I didn't listen or take her concerns seriously. I argued badly. When she was asking for support I heard "you don't do any housework" and became defensive. I've apologised for my actions several times and undertaken counselling to address these communication issues. I asked her to come to relationship counselling and booked the appt, but she refuses. She just says that I didn't care when she wanted to do these things, and why should she do anything on my terms.

 

3 weeks after the split, during which I had to move out (her house originally), start a new job a week later and felt very much I had lost everything, I found out she had started sleeping with a friend and colleague who had been allegedly comforting us both. I don't know if this started prior to the end of our marriage. I'm devastated.

 

I'm trying very hard to do NC now. I'm waiting for our separation papers to arrive this week (she arranged all the legal stuff). I've spoken to her family and friends. Everyone is totally bemused - they thought we were rock solid, and were the ones that would really make it. She told no-one she was going to end it. She won't speak to any of them that might sit her down and tell her about the realities of marriage and that the first year is tough, life can be boring and mundane but you have to stick at it.

 

I can't believe it's over after only 6 months. I really thought she meant her wedding vows. We'd talked so much about how either of us could say no right up until the rings were exchanged and after that point divorce is never an option, only working at things to sort it out. We've been through a lot together - she ended it in the week of anniversary of her mum's death, the dog died in November, her work has been awful with take overs and redundancies. She stopped speaking to her best mate for 6 months because the mate was breaking up someone else's marriage to get her man and my wife didn't agree with that behaviour. They are now chatting often again.

 

I'm really struggling. My work is very stressful and as a result has suffered and I've had to take some time off. I'm trying to settle into new house on the other side of town. It's been nearly 2 months now and I still desperately want to save my marriage despite what she has done. I signed up to it for life and as far as I'm concerned we shouldn't throw in the towel until at least we've been to MC together. She calls occasionally to "ask how I am" or to deal with practicalities of money/possessions etc. She's having the Life of Riley booking holidays and tickets to everything we would have attended with my work colleague and ex friend. I'm miserable. I'm trying to keep busy, have read every relationship book I can get my hands on to improve myself and try and get over this. I'm going out with my friends, doing exercise, trying to eat and sleep (rather unsuccessfully).

 

I don't know what else I can do. I don't know how else I can get over the end of my marriage and stop hurting this much. I truly in my head and heart can't understand what has happened and why it is over so very soon after our wedding, despite having talked to her about it for a few hours on a couple of occasions. She doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with sleeping with my colleague so quickly after she ended it either. Just keeps telling me she cares for me, still loves me, but there is never any going back.

[unsureLP]

 

Met the most wonderful woman. (1)

 

She just says that I didn't care when she wanted to do these things, and why should she do anything on my terms. (2)

 

3 weeks after the split, during which I had to move out (her house originally), start a new job a week later and felt very much I had lost everything, I found out she had started sleeping with a friend and colleague who had been allegedly comforting us both. (3)

 

She doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with sleeping with my colleague so quickly after she ended it either. Just keeps telling me she cares for me, still loves me, but there is never any going back. (4)

 

Lees,

 

I wanted to point somethings out in what you wrote.

 

1) You thought she was wonderful, but her actions are anything but. She is not acting like a wonderful person at all. Don't give her credit when it's not due.

 

2) Sounds like a bunch of excuses. She's not willing to work on things with you? She gave you just about a year together and she's not willing to work on things? Blech.

 

3) That to me shows her true colors and how she really feels about your marriage. She's willing to throw it all out for some dishonest a***ole. Is this something a wonderful person would do? I don't think so.

 

4) Of course she doesn't, because she's too absorbed in herself to see how it hurts you or to care. If she cared, if she loved you, she would not do this without giving you guys a chance.

 

I know you're hurting, but I hope you can see how the person you fell in love with might not be the person you actually married, if you know what I mean. You say she's wonderful but her actions so far speak to the contrary.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You sound like a really good guy who doesn't deserve to be treated like that.

[nowomanocry]

A brief resume of my story.....

 

Met the most wonderful woman, got engaged after a year, lived in adjacent counties for 6 months, together for 7 months after that and then got married during the most fantastic fairytale weekend. I moved my life to be with her in her home town. I thought I had it all. I was so proud of her, love her so completely. She tells me things started going wrong when I moved in - that's 7 months before we got married, we always argued about housework as I'm a bit messy and she's a bit OCD. I never really took it seriously. Had a fabulous honeymoon, and a couple of months later started arguing more and more about housework. She started saying "you're making me ill" and we became more emotionally distant. We talked about relationship counselling but neither of us booked it. She said I didn't support, value or respect her because of the housework. At one point she said "I married you to protect my father" - I have no comprehension of that! I still cooked for her, did the DIY, mowed the lawn, did all the food shopping, fixed the computer or car when needed. I bought her flowers, left love notes and cards. I never disrespected her, even when she embarrassed me in front of my work colleagues by getting thrown out of a club for being drunk and then running off and disappearing inthe middle of the night for several hours. When she came home I just held her and asked what was wrong. About 3 weeks before the end I woke up. I made a superhuman effort to do all the housework, really look after her. I tried to listen, to make her feel even more appreciated. A couple of days before she came home to a house full of roses, fed be strawberries in bed and woke me up in the middle of the night to make love. There were love notes when I got up in the morning which she had left saying how much she was in love with me, how supported she felt. Then she came home 2 days later after a silly argument and said "the marriage is over, there is no future in it."

 

I have assessed myself in this relationship. I didn't listen or take her concerns seriously. I argued badly. When she was asking for support I heard "you don't do any housework" and became defensive. I've apologised for my actions several times and undertaken counselling to address these communication issues. I asked her to come to relationship counselling and booked the appt, but she refuses. She just says that I didn't care when she wanted to do these things, and why should she do anything on my terms.

 

3 weeks after the split, during which I had to move out (her house originally), start a new job a week later and felt very much I had lost everything, I found out she had started sleeping with a friend and colleague who had been allegedly comforting us both. I don't know if this started prior to the end of our marriage. I'm devastated.

 

I'm trying very hard to do NC now. I'm waiting for our separation papers to arrive this week (she arranged all the legal stuff). I've spoken to her family and friends. Everyone is totally bemused - they thought we were rock solid, and were the ones that would really make it. She told no-one she was going to end it. She won't speak to any of them that might sit her down and tell her about the realities of marriage and that the first year is tough, life can be boring and mundane but you have to stick at it.

 

I can't believe it's over after only 6 months. I really thought she meant her wedding vows. We'd talked so much about how either of us could say no right up until the rings were exchanged and after that point divorce is never an option, only working at things to sort it out. We've been through a lot together - she ended it in the week of anniversary of her mum's death, the dog died in November, her work has been awful with take overs and redundancies. She stopped speaking to her best mate for 6 months because the mate was breaking up someone else's marriage to get her man and my wife didn't agree with that behaviour. They are now chatting often again.

 

I'm really struggling. My work is very stressful and as a result has suffered and I've had to take some time off. I'm trying to settle into new house on the other side of town. It's been nearly 2 months now and I still desperately want to save my marriage despite what she has done. I signed up to it for life and as far as I'm concerned we shouldn't throw in the towel until at least we've been to MC together. She calls occasionally to "ask how I am" or to deal with practicalities of money/possessions etc. She's having the Life of Riley booking holidays and tickets to everything we would have attended with my work colleague and ex friend. I'm miserable. I'm trying to keep busy, have read every relationship book I can get my hands on to improve myself and try and get over this. I'm going out with my friends, doing exercise, trying to eat and sleep (rather unsuccessfully).

 

I don't know what else I can do. I don't know how else I can get over the end of my marriage and stop hurting this much. I truly in my head and heart can't understand what has happened and why it is over so very soon after our wedding, despite having talked to her about it for a few hours on a couple of occasions. She doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with sleeping with my colleague so quickly after she ended it either. Just keeps telling me she cares for me, still loves me, but there is never any going back.

 

Sorry for this mate.....

 

I went thru a very similar situation in which at least I saved my arse before marrying her - she had proposed and I approached it with prudence (previous experience)

 

She may love you but she is not in love with you. That the main difference.

 

Look at it this way, the sooner you get out of this shiat the better..... On this forum there are people who had to divorce after 15-20 years of marriage with kids etc. In your case at least you saved your arse in 6 months.

 

Hope everything goes the way you want.

 

TC mate

[Lees]

Yes, I guess so. I'm just having trouble getting over the committment I made to her and making myself give up on it.

 

She keeps phoning and phoning and I finally just answered and she wants me to go fix her computer for her. I told her to go ask her new lover to do that for her and that I didn't want to hear from her again unless it was to discuss our marriage for my own benefit.

 

I feel quite empowered, even though I've probably shut the door on any chance of reconciliation. She actually sounded at rock bottom and I feel a tiny bit bad about abandoning her in this situation, but my head is telling me that she can't have her cake and eat it. If she's ended our marriage and is screwing around she can't expect me to be there for her at her beck and call anymore.

[phineas]

Yes, I guess so. I'm just having trouble getting over the committment I made to her and making myself give up on it..

 

I was in the same place. She started cheating after the first yr & I didn't catch on until the 3rd yr. Then it was hell until I had proof. I really tried to fix the marriage but I finally realized after listening to all the things I did to make her cheat that she is the one who needed fixing.

 

Trust me, in this situation it's best to walk away & not look back. I clung for so long & now wonder what the hell I was fighting for.

 

She keeps phoning and phoning and I finally just answered and she wants me to go fix her computer for her. I told her to go ask her new lover to do that for her and that I didn't want to hear from her again unless it was to discuss our marriage for my own benefit..

 

Don't you love it. They want the convience & benefits of marriage but not the commitment. I'd just file for divorce now if I were you & get the ball rolling on this. Or, just take some time being NC. But go complete NC. You don't have kids so it should be easier.

 

I feel quite empowered, even though I've probably shut the door on any chance of reconciliation. She actually sounded at rock bottom and I feel a tiny bit bad about abandoning her in this situation, but my head is telling me that she can't have her cake and eat it. If she's ended our marriage and is screwing around she can't expect me to be there for her at her beck and call anymore.

 

The more you ignore her the more she will try to reach you. When she realizes you don't want or need her anymore be prepared for her to show up on your door step looking to use sex to lure you back in.

 

She might even lie & say she left her lover but she won't want you to move back in & won't prove it to by showing e-mail or phone.

 

Don't fall for it.

[Lees]

 

Don't you love it. They want the convience & benefits of marriage but not the commitment. I'd just file for divorce now if I were you & get the ball rolling on this. Or, just take some time being NC. But go complete NC. You don't have kids so it should be easier.

 

 

Indeed. I think I made myself quite calmly clear as she put the phone down on me. It must have stabbed her at least a little bit when I told her to go ask N to fix it. She responded by saying "N is crap with computers and is at work so I haven't asked." Oh poor poor thing having to look after her own problems alone after she chose to make me move out. She already did the legal bit. I'm waiting for the separation papers to arrive in the post.

 

The more you ignore her the more she will try to reach you. When she realizes you don't want or need her anymore be prepared for her to show up on your door step looking to use sex to lure you back in.

She might even lie & say she left her lover but she won't want you to move back in & won't prove it to by showing e-mail or phone.

 

Don't fall for it.

 

I'm planning to re-evaluate when and if it happens. I would still be amenable to patching our marriage back together, but it must be in a controlled fashion. No moving back in, no sex, nothing hurried. Counselling. Lots of counselling. Then see where it takes us.

[nowomanocry]

Yes, I guess so. I'm just having trouble getting over the committment I made to her and making myself give up on it.

 

She keeps phoning and phoning and I finally just answered and she wants me to go fix her computer for her. I told her to go ask her new lover to do that for her and that I didn't want to hear from her again unless it was to discuss our marriage for my own benefit.

 

I feel quite empowered, even though I've probably shut the door on any chance of reconciliation. She actually sounded at rock bottom and I feel a tiny bit bad about abandoning her in this situation, but my head is telling me that she can't have her cake and eat it. If she's ended our marriage and is screwing around she can't expect me to be there for her at her beck and call anymore.

 

Hi there again

 

Phineas has made very good comments but couldn't help putting mine again so as to relieve myself......

 

"For my own benefit" This was what she said when I asked the f..k was going on . To sum up, she found someone better than me who can give her all she want without putting any effort into the relationship. She simply stated this as to her benefit (obviously it was).

 

This is all about it mate - they are basically looking for idiots to support the relationship financially and in the mean time they go shagin the hole town and have fun on their own.

 

I am feeling the same way as you mate...... I still can't believe that this happened to me and I was basically together with a c..t who in the end dumped all those years to trash just "for her benefit".

 

To this type of woman, when you ask the reason why her answer would be "I don't know", "things can change" etc.

 

It is as simple as that.

 

Move on, dump the c..t mate

[Lees]

Really hope I didn't screw any potential for reconciliation by telling her not to talk to me unless that was the subject.

 

Starting to feel cruel as she sounded so damn low.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dude she never meant to be serious with you within the marriage. Ignore her and annull the marriage and move on, she's an idiot and a loser and your much better off believe me!

[Lees]

Am wondering if I have done the right thing again today after a morning and afternoon talking to two different people. One thinks that her calling me repeatedly yesterday was an attempt to get me back in her life as it would've been mentally easier for her to just take her damn computer to the shop to be fixed rather than ring me. The other agreed with my original sentiment that she is taking the piss by asking me to solve her problems since she ended our marriage and asked me to move out.

 

I'm all confused. I still love her so much and would do anything to sort this out. I know that she has been a cow, but I also know how manipulative the other party involved is and can be - N has wrecked other marriages in the past. N covets, and then will do anything to get what is desired. I can see how my STBxW in a vulnerable position in terms of many outside stresses, anniversary of bereavement (her Mum), and us not getting along all that great at the time would make perfect fodder for N.

 

It has been suggested that I should have one last go and sorting this out and write the STBxW a final letter, stating how I feel about her, how I want to draw a line under what has happened and start our marriage afresh. I'm not sure if this is a good idea, particularly whilst she is still sleeping with the colleague. What do you lot think?

[LisaUk]

Hi,

 

I'm no expert but I think you did the right thing, she has to learn you will not be at her beck and call. When my ex left me I made it all so easy for him to throw me out of my home (for 10 years) after 18 years toegther and put me on the street, why? Because i was terrified of doing anything that would p**s him off, IN CASE he wanted to come back.

 

It's been over a year, I'm NC, have been for a long time, he hasn't come back.

 

You have no control over what she does, you only have control over yourself.

 

I KNOW it hurts, I know it's hard, but all you can do is tell her, I love you if you wnat to work this out I would be willing to go to counselling, other than that talk to me through my solictor.

 

Keep posting.

[Lees]

I don't consider her a c**t. She's the woman that I married. The woman I signed up to "the rest of life" with and for. And I feel the need to fight for that principle until I can do so no longer. She's made mistakes - haven't we all. I didn't listen to her, or make her feel valued, and they were in my wedding vows too. Today's throw away society applies to too many marriages, too many people give up too easily and have unrealistic expectations - some of us don't ascribe to that. I want to fight for my marriage. I just don't know how exactly to do it on my own, or in any way influence her to see the error of her ways.

[Doing it Since '78]

I don't consider her a c**t. She's the woman that I married. The woman I signed up to "the rest of life" with and for. And I feel the need to fight for that principle until I can do so no longer. She's made mistakes - haven't we all. I didn't listen to her, or make her feel valued, and they were in my wedding vows too. Today's throw away society applies to too many marriages, too many people give up too easily and have unrealistic expectations - some of us don't ascribe to that. I want to fight for my marriage. I just don't know how exactly to do it on my own, or in any way influence her to see the error of her ways.

 

If only she was as passionate about keeping your buddy out of her panties