Surprisingly hung up on the strip club

[16thstreet]

Your entitled to your own values, i think yours are kinda whacked personally, but im just saying that when your posting on LS in the future because your man aint around, or you think hes cheating, or your uncomfortable because he does something you dont like..i dont have sympathy for people who enable people to treat them like crap and later complain. Because I could very easily predict that. But cheers to you hun for taking a guy like that and wedding him...one less douchey guy for the rest of us.

 

Some time ago, I was in a long-term serious relationship with a "non-douchey" nice guy who didn't like porn, never went to clubs, and had gold-standard values that I am sure you would really approve of and came from a pedigree that would equally impress.

 

Unfortunately, it was the most controlling, hurtful relationship that I have ever experienced.

 

What I mean to say is that it is nearly impossible to judge a relationship or know what goes on inside of one or behind closed-doors when you are not experiencing it yourself and that you really have no idea of what it is or is not that I am enabling. My SO would not knowingly do something hurtful. It is my responsibility to communicate to him where there are things that do make me uncomfortable if he is unaware, so then he can know and then he can then make his own choice in the matter. And, yes, sometimes people do make mistakes. No person is perfect... and ime, sometimes the ones that are the most superficially perfect are really the douches.

[16thstreet]

I see, well that is a good attitude that you have. I probably shouldn't even be commenting in this thread because I just don't think I could do what you are doing, as open minded as I can be about things this is one of those things that just would not sit well with me at all. You definitely have the right attitude in terms of accepting who your partner is. I do commend you on that. You really do not want to change him and that is something rare to find these days.

 

I've appreciated your comments although it is clear that we have different levels of comfort with these kinds of things.

 

My guess as to why it hasn't bothered you up until now and suddenly the night that he texted you from the club discussing your marriage plans did is the combination of the scenarios registered in your brain and something clicked for you. That particular circumstance married the idea that you were about to make a sacred commitment to him and yet he was sharing such a special moment and saying such beautiful things to you over text from a club were naked women were rubbing their bodies all over him. This seems like a grotesque contradiction at best the two are so extreme from each other. Again, I am not as open minded as you and I personally would be incredibly insulted if my man was texting me sweet nothings about our future marriage plans from the comfort of naked women lapdancing all over him. Perhaps it is the dichotomy of the situation that has made things very real for you now, and this could be the uneasiness you are experiencing.

 

Well, it turns out that this wasn't the situation after all. I misunderstood what happened that evening and, because what I had believed made me uncomfortable, it took me a while to get up the nerve to talk it over again and then when I did bother it turned out that there was a pretty significant difference between what actually happened and what I initially understood had happened.

 

Well all I can say is your man is very lucky to have found you, most women tend to have issue with this especially when it becomes a regular thing.

 

It isn't a regular thing. But, I figure that I am also pretty lucky to have found someone that is patient and allows me to work through feelings and figuring out how to talk about them. He knew that something was bothering me, and it made him anxious over the past few weeks, but he didn't pressure or try to force me to share anything until I was ready. Hopefully, next time it won't take me so long to feel ready!

[16thstreet]

douche bag behavior in my book.

 

Once a guy is married, he can still have the occasional fantasy (we are all human). But to voluntarily seek out to put yourself in a position where nearly naked women girating on you ON A REGULAR BASIS is unacceptable. This is physical touching, with lust and don't tell me if one of those women suggests that further "service" is available, he will ALWAYS turn it down.

 

If you were my sister, I'd break the guy's nose. This guy has problems.

 

A married man's perspective.

 

Not a regular basis, and a misunderstanding to boot. Your comment does suggest that you find it potentially okay to have naked women gyrating on you once in a while is okay. Thankfully, the problem here was a misunderstanding.

[16thstreet]

It's a precarious position to be in 16th. One I thing too many women find themselves in when struggling between the balance on what they feel comfortable with, and their expectations vs. their man's. You don't want to seem like you are holding him back, being his mother or denying him the ability to make his own choices. At the same time, he should respect the fact that your his girl. That he is in a relationship and not a single many anymore. Too many men today seem to want to toogle back and forth between their commitment to their partner and the desire to feel free and single and engage in, even if limited, certain sexual situations with other women. No man in his right mind should think that makes a woman feel secure in her relationship with him. He is putting yourself in sexual situations with other women.

 

The whole experience has helped me figure out what I feel comfortable with. For a minute, I was concerned that we might have some fairly significant differences in our expectations, but it turns out that we do not. However, in that minute, I was willing to consider simply ending the relationship. When you have something that is a vast difference and is very important to two people, you can either figure out a way to work around it, ignore it (horrible idea), or decide that it is unworkable and go your separate ways, (or, in our case talk about it and realize that there is no difference in expectations after all). The first step in any of the non-horrible options is always talking about it... and I was having a hard time getting started on that.

 

He is an adult free to make his own choices. Just as you are. But laying guidelines for a relationship on any matter of topics doesn't mean you are denying the other partner anything. It really depends how important strip clubs are in his life. The more important they are to him, the more he will fight for them. If a man puts strip clubs on that high level of importance, then you need to ask yourself what level of importance a relationship has for him in turn.

 

I might be on the far extreme side of not wanting to have my SO change for me for any reason at all... a fear that if he were to change for me, later on he might resent me for having decided to make a change. That is why I am more comfortable just figuring out how something makes me feel (and why) and then sharing my feelings. Then, with that information, he is free to make a choice about his own actions. It is not an ultimatum or even a suggestion. He loves me and wants to make me happy, and if he knows how I feel about things then he is more able to do things that make me happy. Of course, this doesn't mean that he could not resent me in the future for 'changing' him, but it will be a lot easier to have the discussion that he made choices for himself and if he wasn't happy with those choices what can and should be done about it. And why do I have this concern? Because when I feel like I am being told not to do something or that I can't do something, I know that I resent it.

 

I would also have been terribly bothered be sitting at home like the good little girlfriend while my guy was out getting and giving attention to other women and feeling insipired to be extra-lovey dovey with me only because he was in a situation where other women were turning him on. It is my opinion that situation has nothing to do with the partner at home and everything to do with what he is feeling for himself due to the feelings these other women are creating in him, not his partner. He is mearly using the partner as a scape goat but these feelings are in no way inspired by the partner at home. That's my personal opinion.

 

Well, it turns out that it wasn't the situation, but I am comfortable that he knows clearly that I would be bothered by that situation. And probably he knew before I told him such, but I said it anyway.

 

The fact that you feel like you have an intellectual opinion that is different then your emotional response is not uncommon at all.

 

I appreciate the statement and realize this now. The intellectual opinion I think also came from the fact that I simply didn't quite get how he could think it would be okay to go to a club solo and get a dance or two. I was trying to understand what the heck he was thinking, because in our relationship he does not generally do things that are hurtful and so I was trying to see how he could have determined that I would be okay with the situation (there must have been some reason!). It turns out of course that he doesn't think it is okay and he didn't actually do that.

 

You are responding on a biological level to the fact that your man is out interacting and entertaing other women. So while alot of men will say that porn/strip clubs are 'natural", and the sexuality that attracts men to them are, it is just as natural for a woman to feel hurt/bothered and fearfull of where her man's head at if he exemplifies the need to still be on the hunt for other women.

 

True about the natural reactions of men and women and that they are different. But a thousand times over I personally prefer a guy that likes some porn and the occasional stripper for the carnal/fantasy gig, but who does not form strong/deep emotional connections to other new women in his life. This latter behavior to me indicates that the hunt is on.

 

You need to have a serious talk with your partner about your feelings.

 

I did and it was very helpful.

 

Lastly, I am curious, do you go see male strippers? do you put yourself in situations with other men in highly sexually charged situations to the degree your partner does? What are your man's thoughts on that for you?

 

I haven't yet been to a male strip club, but I wouldn't mind going and he would not be opposed. He actually encourages me and friends to go have fun when we start talking about a girls Vegas trip. I am sure that if quality male clubs were more bountiful, then my girl friends and I might go once in a while. Like with female strip clubs, I am curious to go at least once and check it out. I think he also assumes that I will probably have male strippers for my bachelorette party and is confident that I can handle these things without crossing normal lines of the experience.

[16thstreet]

I would like to say that I admire your communication skills in your relationship.

 

I have a thought on this, if you find it useful great, I have done my good deed for the day, if not it's worth exactly what you paid for it.

 

My wife and I live unconventionally in that we are swingers. But we still have boundaries. She has watched me sleep with many other women, and enjoyed it, yet if I were to call her from a business road trip and inform her that I bedded someone I would very much be in the dog house. So I think what's going on is that you have not really defined your boundaries (even to yourself) but that it seems like (to you) getting a text between lap dances is over the line. Now, where is that line? Text me after you leave? Don't tell me? Don't go without me? That is for you to decide, and it will be up to him to abide by (or not, though hopefully if not he is up front with you as opposed to telling you one thing and doing another).

 

In our case we have discussed, decided, and agreed that our rules are that we only play together. You need to define your line as well.

 

You're right on that the whole thing is about me figuring out my boundaries and then clearly communicating them. If I can figure out how to do this more readily with all aspects of my feelings and our relationship, things will only get better. I appreciate the perspective and indeed good deed points for you.

[16thstreet]

Don't thrive on drama.

 

Agreed. The best way for me to short-circuit drama is to talk things over. I am certainly a little embarrassed that all the drama turned out to be over something that I thought happened but didn't actually happen and I feel a bit silly. But, as I've said elsewhere, in some ways it was a good thing so that I had to go through the process of figuring out how to talk about something I was not entirely comfortable discussing. I think next time it will be a little easier, and the following time a little easier, and so on.

[Jersey Shortie]

I appreciate the statement and realize this now. The intellectual opinion I think also came from the fact that I simply didn't quite get how he could think it would be okay to go to a club solo and get a dance or two.

 

Don't see the difference between you being there and him doing it and you not being there and him doing it. If you trust him you trust him right? Confused about this to be honest.

 

 

True about the natural reactions of men and women and that they are different. But a thousand times over I personally prefer a guy that likes some porn and the occasional stripper for the carnal/fantasy gig, but who does not form strong/deep emotional connections to other new women in his life. This latter behavior to me indicates that the hunt is on.

 

Not sure why you think it has to be one or the other. A man doesn't have to go see strippers to avoid developing emotional connections with other women.

 

To me, it seems like you've traded one extreme relationship, for another.

I wonder where you guys will be in a year or two for now. It will be interesting. Your guy seems a little shady in my opinion strictly but I wish you the best.

[16thstreet]

Don't see the difference between you being there and him doing it and you not being there and him doing it. If you trust him you trust him right? Confused about this to be honest.

 

It's not really about me being there or not, but about him doing it as a social thing with a group of friends (whether or not I am there) and him doing it alone. He has pervert friends (some guys, some gals), he's a bit of a pervert, and maybe so am I. I'm okay with that. But the part about him going alone is what crossed the line from social-pervy to creepy-pervy, to me. It is just my boundary. I know it is different for others.

 

 

 

Not sure why you think it has to be one or the other. A man doesn't have to go see strippers to avoid developing emotional connections with other women.

 

True... it doesn't have to be one or the other. I guess it was just a way of stating that a social visit the club a few times a year doesn't bother me but emotional connections would bother me. And, I do not think that viewing porn or occasionally going to a club demonstrates the formation of any type of emotional connection.

 

To me, it seems like you've traded one extreme relationship, for another.

I wonder where you guys will be in a year or two for now. It will be interesting. Your guy seems a little shady in my opinion strictly but I wish you the best.

 

I have had a number of relationships, some longer or shorter, some more serious and some less. It is not here a matter of trading one for another. I just mentioned the least shady-seeming guy that I've ever been involved with in that particular response.