Surprisingly hung up on the strip club

[Tnerforireyeh]

Marry this one! He's a keeper.

 

Best post of the thread

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Wow, that was a rather unique thread-starter on a common subject around here.

 

Your will for analysis, both of him and of yourself, is what is most interesting about your thread.

 

 

But lets turn it around a bit, and get some detail on one aspect of the picture you didn't cover sufficiently.

 

 

Lets use those first couple of trips to a strip club on which you went along:

 

How did your fiance seem to be regarding YOU during the time you were there?

 

Was he just ogling the naked butts and boobs and making crude comments about the strippers, to you, as if you were merely one of his male buddies?

 

 

OR was he was he extra intent on YOUR impressions/perceptions/experience as you sat there beside him watching the same show?

 

 

I love the way you reasoned through not withholding sex after having urged him to be so up-front and honest with you. (that isn't about the sex part, it is about the importance to you that his honesty represents)

 

There really is something to being a "good, game and giving" ("G.G.G.") partner, and your trips to the strip club were positive indications that you have it in you.

 

His having texted you from the strip club, and having told you about it, suggests that he's non-secretive, and that is another positive sign.

 

 

I think you should strongly consider how he acts when you're along with him, at the club, and try to gain a sense for whether his perceiving your outlook to be positive and inquisative about the place, enhances HIS experience.

 

 

It seems too soon to tell how this will all evolve... for it could lean hard in either direction from this point.

[16thstreet]

ugh. Just decide once and for all... "Can I allow the man of my life to go off to strip clubs? Am I going to be okay with this?"

 

It's a yes or no answer. Doesn't matter the reasoning behind your answer. But pick one answer for yourself and have the integrity and commitment to stick to it. Accept the consequences.

 

I guess I prefer to make reasoned decisions. And, I've already made the decision.

[sweetjasmine]

There is something troubling me about arousal from other women and then going to me... but seriously would I prefer that he didn't come to me? No way!

 

Of course you wouldn't prefer that he didn't come to you. I don't know why it bothers you, but it'd bother me because of the sexual interaction he had with other people. If he wants me, I'd rather it be because I'm arousing him, not another actual, living human being who he just had sexual contact with.

 

I know many people will disagree with me here. My personal view is that a monogamous relationship means intercourse and deep friendship with one person, but it does not require total devotion of all sexual thoughts or feelings (I have had that relationship and I found it suffocating).

 

No, I agree that it doesn't require devotion of all sexual thoughts to your partner. But I personally draw the line between thoughts and seeking sexual contact with another person. It may be different for you, but I think your emotional reaction is telling you something you should listen to.

 

I guess I prefer to make reasoned decisions.

 

Sometimes in working so hard to be rational, you end up invalidating and ignoring your own feelings. Just make sure you're honest with yourself about it. There's no need for you to rationalize things that make you feel uncomfortable.

[16thstreet]

 

Lets use those first couple of trips to a strip club on which you went along:

 

How did your fiance seem to be regarding YOU during the time you were there?

 

Was he just ogling the naked butts and boobs and making crude comments about the strippers, to you, as if you were merely one of his male buddies?

 

 

OR was he was he extra intent on YOUR impressions/perceptions/experience as you sat there beside him watching the same show?

 

Definitely the later. He was sharing something with me that he enjoys, and I could really tell that he was hopeful that I would enjoy it too and trying to make it a positive experience. He also pointed things out and explained things to me ("you can see her scars, there and there" or "that one is preggo" or "if you're curious about the back room we can go there so you can see it" (I was and we did)). I also asked him which strippers he found more attractive than others and learned that he likes the white blondes best and really finds tattoos a turn-off. We didn't talk non-stop, but we had a conversation. Every time we have gone together (maybe 4 or 5 times?) he holds my hand, puts his arm around me, is affectionate, but we also put bills in front of each other and talk with the dancers on our own.

 

 

I love the way you reasoned through not withholding sex after having urged him to be so up-front and honest with you. (that isn't about the sex part, it is about the importance to you that his honesty represents)

 

There really is something to being a "good, game and giving" ("G.G.G.") partner, and your trips to the strip club were positive indications that you have it in you.

 

His having texted you from the strip club, and having told you about it, suggests that he's non-secretive, and that is another positive sign.

 

Yes and yes. I am sure that plenty of people would disagree, but even when it is hard to send a consistent message, I think it is very important to try (here: please be honest with me and then I am not going to hold it against you that you were honest with me). This is something that I've tried to learn from guy friends and, honestly, some of the seasoned folks that post here. In my mid-20s I probably would have been very pissy when he saw me and may or may not have explained why, and I almost certainly would not have been intimate.

 

It isn't always easy and I am not perfect at consistency, but it's an aim. I could always say "just don't let me know because I know I will be upset" and then get upset if I "learn" of something. I think some people try to live happily enough that way and perhaps it works for them. For me, the path is going to be honesty and acceptance (or perhaps in some cases not).

 

Before some people get up in arms, yes, I do recognize that there is another way... namely to find a mate that doesn't challenge me and is completely comfortable and neeeever looks at porn or goes to clubs or bachelor parties. That is okay for some, but I find that I am much happier when I am dating someone that is a bit different from me as long as we are able to talk about those difference.

 

 

I think you should strongly consider how he acts when you're along with him, at the club, and try to gain a sense for whether his perceiving your outlook to be positive and inquisative about the place, enhances HIS experience.

 

It seems too soon to tell how this will all evolve... for it could lean hard in either direction from this point.

 

Again, thanks for the comments and thoughts. I guess we will see with time.

[16thstreet]

Of course you wouldn't prefer that he didn't come to you. I don't know why it bothers you, but it'd bother me because of the sexual interaction he had with other people. If he wants me, I'd rather it be because I'm arousing him, not another actual, living human being who he just had sexual contact with.

 

No, I agree that it doesn't require devotion of all sexual thoughts to your partner. But I personally draw the line between thoughts and seeking sexual contact with another person. It may be different for you, but I think your emotional reaction is telling you something you should listen to.

 

Sometimes in working so hard to be rational, you end up invalidating and ignoring your own feelings. Just make sure you're honest with yourself about it. There's no need for you to rationalize things that make you feel uncomfortable.

 

I do not think that when you acknowledge a feeling is present that you can at the same time be ignoring it. The reason for the confusion is that at times it has been comfortable and at times uncomfortable. What I am trying to get at is this discrepancy. Thanks to some of yours and others comments, and just some additional thinking, I might be starting to understand it.

[sweetjasmine]

I do not think that when you acknowledge a feeling is present that you can at the same time be ignoring it.

 

Yeah, true, bad word choice on my part. But "invalidating" does fit, IMO. I do that sometimes, and it can be a little harmful.

 

The reason for the confusion is that at times it has been comfortable and at times uncomfortable. What I am trying to get at is this discrepancy. Thanks to some of yours and others comments, and just some additional thinking, I might be starting to understand it.

 

Cool. I hope you figure it out.

[Ms. Joolie]

I guess I prefer to make reasoned decisions. And, I've already made the decision.

 

I don't doubt that you wanted to go through some pretty complex reasoning first. Glad you made your decision.

 

Reminds me of a woman I know who encouraged her husband to have an affair. (I know, not the same thing as a strip club but still) It was completely reasonable for her to allow her husband to have an affair, since her sex drive wasn't so high. Her husband never did have an affair, didn't want to.

 

So I imagine you are being completely reasonable with yourself to help yourself out of your situation, which is great. In the end it's about maintaining the relationship perhaps and getting both your desires met.

[16thstreet]

Yeah, true, bad word choice on my part. But "invalidating" does fit, IMO. I do that sometimes, and it can be a little harmful.

Definitely a fair point.

[Twenty-ten]

Before some people get up in arms, yes, I do recognize that there is another way... namely to find a mate that doesn't challenge me and is completely comfortable and neeeever looks at porn or goes to clubs or bachelor parties. That is okay for some, but I find that I am much happier when I am dating someone that is a bit different from me as long as we are able to talk about those difference.

 

 

My observation is that you are trying really hard to convince yourself of this, but it isn't working. If you were honestly comfortable with someone that does what your partner does because he is different and unconventional and your preference is that, so long as you can discuss the differences, you would have turned to him rather than this board to discuss your issue.

 

If you love this man and want to be with him you had better start accepting that this is going to be an on-going thing, it will never stop. The calls from the strip joint and his routine visits, is this really something you want long term and when the honey moon phase if over?

[16thstreet]

My observation is that you are trying really hard to convince yourself of this, but it isn't working. If you were honestly comfortable with someone that does what your partner does because he is different and unconventional and your preference is that, so long as you can discuss the differences, you would have turned to him rather than this board to discuss your issue.

 

I disagree that it isn't working. I plan on talking with my SO about all of this tonight. It was helpful to put it into a post and have an outlet, and some people to bounce ideas off of, however, because (-confession-) I am not always the very best at sharing my feelings. This was a helpful way to do so and I appreciate those that gave their thoughts.

 

If you love this man and want to be with him you had better start accepting that this is going to be an on-going thing, it will never stop. The calls from the strip joint and his routine visits, is this really something you want long term and when the honey moon phase if over?

 

It may or may not ever stop. I understand that. Either way I am sure that I want him long term.

[Twenty-ten]

I disagree that it isn't working. I plan on talking with my SO about all of this tonight. It was helpful to put it into a post and have an outlet, and some people to bounce ideas off of, however, because (-confession-) I am not always the very best at sharing my feelings. This was a helpful way to do so and I appreciate those that gave their thoughts.

 

Ok that's good.

 

 

It may or may not ever stop. I understand that. Either way I am sure that I want him long term.

 

I understand you want "him" long term that is clear, but he comes with the other part, I am simply suggesting to have a look at that as well.

If we are brutally honest we know there is a huge possibility it won't stop, and this is something you would have to factor into your long term plans rather than perhaps hoping that it might go away or resolve itself sometime down the line. The former seems more probable not the latter.

 

The idea that you had to play a complice in his lie to his mate's partners so that they could justify another weekend of having strippers around when the real bachelor party hasn't even happened yet, was alarming for me. It was a sign of how over his head he is with his "pastime" and to the extend you will have to go to accommodate him.

[shadowplay]

I consider myself pretty tolerant, and I would be completely put off by this behavior. Aside from special circumstances (like a bachelor's party), I don't think it's appropriate for a guy to go to a strip club when he's in a serious relationship. And obviously getting lap dances is totally crossing the line.

[16thstreet]

I understand you want "him" long term that is clear, but he comes with the other part, I am simply suggesting to have a look at that as well.

If we are brutally honest we know there is a huge possibility it won't stop, and this is something you would have to factor into your long term plans rather than perhaps hoping that it might go away or resolve itself sometime down the line. The former seems more probable not the latter.

 

The motivation for the post and the conversation this evening is to resolve it now and not down the line. But "resolve it" does not necessarily mean to me that either I demand or that he voluntarily stops or that it ever stops at all. If I can understand why sometimes I have been comfortable with it but lately not so much, then it is a starting point.

 

The idea that you had to play a complice in his lie to his mate's partners so that they could justify another weekend of having strippers around when the real bachelor party hasn't even happened yet, was alarming for me. It was a sign of how over his head he is with his "pastime" and to the extend you will have to go to accommodate him.

I think it more of a reflection of his buddies and their situations with their SOs (that they have to justify behavior, hide things, and get "permission"). Some of the guys on the ski trip will almost certainly not be able to make it to the party that is closer-in-time to the wedding. So, he gets two. That's okay.

[16thstreet]

I consider myself pretty tolerant, and I would be completely put off by this behavior. Aside from special circumstances (like a bachelor's party), I don't think it's appropriate for a guy to go to a strip club when he's in a serious relationship. And obviously getting lap dances is totally crossing the line.

 

I appreciate the perspective and it is something I will talk to him about tonight. Clearly he thinks otherwise, and I would like to understand (as other posters have suggested) why and what he gets out of it. To me, it is not clear that getting lap dances totally crosses the line. It might be that getting lap dances when I am not there is the line for me, but I am not entirely sure of that.

[Twenty-ten]

The motivation for the post and the conversation this evening is to resolve it now and not down the line. But "resolve it" does not necessarily mean to me that either I demand or that he voluntarily stops or that it ever stops at all. If I can understand why sometimes I have been comfortable with it but lately not so much, then it is a starting point

 

I see, well that is a good attitude that you have. I probably shouldn't even be commenting in this thread because I just don't think I could do what you are doing, as open minded as I can be about things this is one of those things that just would not sit well with me at all. You definitely have the right attitude in terms of accepting who your partner is. I do commend you on that. You really do not want to change him and that is something rare to find these days.

 

My guess as to why it hasn't bothered you up until now and suddenly the night that he texted you from the club discussing your marriage plans did is the combination of the scenarios registered in your brain and something clicked for you. That particular circumstance married the idea that you were about to make a sacred commitment to him and yet he was sharing such a special moment and saying such beautiful things to you over text from a club were naked women were rubbing their bodies all over him. This seems like a grotesque contradiction at best the two are so extreme from each other. Again, I am not as open minded as you and I personally would be incredibly insulted if my man was texting me sweet nothings about our future marriage plans from the comfort of naked women lapdancing all over him. Perhaps it is the dichotomy of the situation that has made things very real for you now, and this could be the uneasiness you are experiencing.

 

I think it more of a reflection of his buddies and their situations with their SOs (that they have to justify behavior, hide things, and get "permission"). Some of the guys on the ski trip will almost certainly not be able to make it to the party that is closer-in-time to the wedding. So, he gets two. That's okay.

Well all I can say is your man is very lucky to have found you, most women tend to have issue with this especially when it becomes a regular thing.

[Twenty-ten]

Sorry meant to add and comment on this as well and forgot:

 

I saw my S.O. later in the day following the bachelor party stripper-night on his way through town and, after not seeing each other for a period, he naturally wanted to be physically intimate. Like I said, I have noticed that I tend to sometimes withdraw for a while when he is around strippers

 

The withdrawal seems inevitable, how can you feel close to someone sexually who is regularly sharing pseudo sexual acts with other strange women? I mean sure he is not cheating on you and you can trust that no lines are being crossed I get that, but his arousal is being catered to by someone (many others) apart from you. This is the issue you are essentially sharing your man in one respect.

 

You are sharing his sexual arousal with other live women, how can this not affect you on some level?

[Silver_star]

Your entitled to your own values, i think yours are kinda whacked personally, but im just saying that when your posting on LS in the future because your man aint around, or you think hes cheating, or your uncomfortable because he does something you dont like..i dont have sympathy for people who enable people to treat them like crap and later complain. Because I could very easily predict that. But cheers to you hun for taking a guy like that and wedding him...one less douchey guy for the rest of us.

[nddb]

douche bag behavior in my book.

 

Once a guy is married, he can still have the occasional fantasy (we are all human). But to voluntarily seek out to put yourself in a position where nearly naked women girating on you ON A REGULAR BASIS is unacceptable. This is physical touching, with lust and don't tell me if one of those women suggests that further "service" is available, he will ALWAYS turn it down.

 

If you were my sister, I'd break the guy's nose. This guy has problems.

 

A married man's perspective.

[Jersey Shortie]

I am seeing our potential future: he goes to a club with or without me. I find it a huge turn-off. He finds it a huge turn-on. He wants to make passionate love while I'd rather not see him for a few days. Is my reaction a form of emotional/physical punishment? Sort of a "You are free to make a choice and go to a club/hire strippers with the guys/look at porn... but the consequence is that you, in turn, are not allowed to behold me (at least for some period of time)."?? Or is a turn-off just a turn off?? Either way, I would like to figure out a way to work through whatever is going on for me. It's might be that I can intellectually be completely okay with clubs, strippers, porn, but emotionally have a different reaction. I do not even understand how that is possible.

 

 

It's a precarious position to be in 16th. One I thing too many women find themselves in when struggling between the balance on what they feel comfortable with, and their expectations vs. their man's. You don't want to seem like you are holding him back, being his mother or denying him the ability to make his own choices. At the same time, he should respect the fact that your his girl. That he is in a relationship and not a single many anymore. Too many men today seem to want to toogle back and forth between their commitment to their partner and the desire to feel free and single and engage in, even if limited, certain sexual situations with other women. No man in his right mind should think that makes a woman feel secure in her relationship with him. He is putting yourself in sexual situations with other women.

 

He is an adult free to make his own choices. Just as you are. But laying guidelines for a relationship on any matter of topics doesn't mean you are denying the other partner anything. It really depends how important strip clubs are in his life. The more important they are to him, the more he will fight for them. If a man puts strip clubs on that high level of importance, then you need to ask yourself what level of importance a relationship has for him in turn.

 

I would also have been terribly bothered be sitting at home like the good little girlfriend while my guy was out getting and giving attention to other women and feeling insipired to be extra-lovey dovey with me only because he was in a situation where other women were turning him on. It is my opinion that situation has nothing to do with the partner at home and everything to do with what he is feeling for himself due to the feelings these other women are creating in him, not his partner. He is mearly using the partner as a scape goat but these feelings are in no way inspired by the partner at home. That's my personal opinion.

 

No, your feelings are not emotional/physical blackmail. He is creating a situation that doesn't make you feel closer to him. It makes you feel father apart. Just because a woman doesn't feel like being intimate on different levels with her man, doesn't mean she is blackmailing him. It is totally natural when one partner does something that makes the other partner draw away to not feel like being intimate with them. It seems that he is not creating an environment that you feel safe and free in. He has created an environment that has best benefited him with little regard to your feelings. Its completely natural that if a man in relationship repeatidly puts himself in highly sexually charged situations with other women that his loyal woman at home is going to withdraw on some measure. That's the price you pay for spreading yourself so thin. And it's totally understandable and natural.

 

The fact that you feel like you have an intellectual opinion that is different then your emotional response is not uncommon at all. You are responding on a biological level to the fact that your man is out interacting and entertaing other women. So while alot of men will say that porn/strip clubs are 'natural", and the sexuality that attracts men to them are, it is just as natural for a woman to feel hurt/bothered and fearfull of where her man's head at if he exemplifies the need to still be on the hunt for other women.

 

You need to have a serious talk with your partner about your feelings. He is acting on his own feelings. A man defending porn and strip clubs is no more intellectual then your feelings on it. They are driven by his own feelings as well. Your feelings are not any less wrong then his. I see so many women that bury their feelings down because they are shamed into beleiving that being bothred by something like their men going into a highly sexually charged situation with other women is wrong but their man's desire to be with other women in a highly sexual situation is right. That's not right or fair to any woman. That is why you need to talk to him and not discount your feelings because everytime he decides to see strippers, view porn and text you lovey dovey messages, these are all based on *his* feelings.

 

Lastly, I am curious, do you go see male strippers? do you put yourself in situations with other men in highly sexually charged situations to the degree your partner does? What are your man's thoughts on that for you?

[sxyNYCcpl]

I appreciate the perspective and it is something I will talk to him about tonight.

 

I would like to say that I admire your communication skills in your relationship.

 

I have a thought on this, if you find it useful great, I have done my good deed for the day, if not it's worth exactly what you paid for it.

 

My wife and I live unconventionally in that we are swingers. But we still have boundaries. She has watched me sleep with many other women, and enjoyed it, yet if I were to call her from a business road trip and inform her that I bedded someone I would very much be in the dog house. So I think what's going on is that you have not really defined your boundaries (even to yourself) but that it seems like (to you) getting a text between lap dances is over the line. Now, where is that line? Text me after you leave? Don't tell me? Don't go without me? That is for you to decide, and it will be up to him to abide by (or not, though hopefully if not he is up front with you as opposed to telling you one thing and doing another).

 

In our case we have discussed, decided, and agreed that our rules are that we only play together. You need to define your line as well.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Definitely the later. He was sharing something with me that he enjoys, and I could really tell that he was hopeful that I would enjoy it too and trying to make it a positive experience. He also pointed things out and explained things to me ("you can see her scars, there and there" or "that one is preggo" or "if you're curious about the back room we can go there so you can see it" (I was and we did)). I also asked him which strippers he found more attractive than others and learned that he likes the white blondes best and really finds tattoos a turn-off. We didn't talk non-stop, but we had a conversation. Every time we have gone together (maybe 4 or 5 times?) he holds my hand, puts his arm around me, is affectionate, but we also put bills in front of each other and talk with the dancers on our own.

 

 

 

 

Yes and yes. I am sure that plenty of people would disagree, but even when it is hard to send a consistent message, I think it is very important to try (here: please be honest with me and then I am not going to hold it against you that you were honest with me). This is something that I've tried to learn from guy friends and, honestly, some of the seasoned folks that post here. In my mid-20s I probably would have been very pissy when he saw me and may or may not have explained why, and I almost certainly would not have been intimate.

 

It isn't always easy and I am not perfect at consistency, but it's an aim. I could always say "just don't let me know because I know I will be upset" and then get upset if I "learn" of something. I think some people try to live happily enough that way and perhaps it works for them. For me, the path is going to be honesty and acceptance (or perhaps in some cases not).

 

Before some people get up in arms, yes, I do recognize that there is another way... namely to find a mate that doesn't challenge me and is completely comfortable and neeeever looks at porn or goes to clubs or bachelor parties. That is okay for some, but I find that I am much happier when I am dating someone that is a bit different from me as long as we are able to talk about those difference.

 

 

 

 

Again, thanks for the comments and thoughts. I guess we will see with time.

 

 

 

Hey, these are ALL the right answers!!! You scored very highly on this 'test'.

 

Nothing turns men on than women who are more comfortable with themselves than men expect them to be.

 

His close monitoring of you when you were at the clubs together, and your will to engage his mind fairly on what you were seeing, each suggest that your cause for concern over this subject is minimal.

 

 

(now if we could only inspire you not to fret about it so much, here)

[Awesome Username]

It's a precarious position to be in 16th. One I thing too many women find themselves in when struggling between the balance on what they feel comfortable with, and their expectations vs. their man's. You don't want to seem like you are holding him back, being his mother or denying him the ability to make his own choices. At the same time, he should respect the fact that your his girl. That he is in a relationship and not a single many anymore. Too many men today seem to want to toogle back and forth between their commitment to their partner and the desire to feel free and single and engage in, even if limited, certain sexual situations with other women. No man in his right mind should think that makes a woman feel secure in her relationship with him. He is putting yourself in sexual situations with other women.

 

He is an adult free to make his own choices. Just as you are. But laying guidelines for a relationship on any matter of topics doesn't mean you are denying the other partner anything. It really depends how important strip clubs are in his life. The more important they are to him, the more he will fight for them. If a man puts strip clubs on that high level of importance, then you need to ask yourself what level of importance a relationship has for him in turn.

 

I would also have been terribly bothered be sitting at home like the good little girlfriend while my guy was out getting and giving attention to other women and feeling insipired to be extra-lovey dovey with me only because he was in a situation where other women were turning him on. It is my opinion that situation has nothing to do with the partner at home and everything to do with what he is feeling for himself due to the feelings these other women are creating in him, not his partner. He is mearly using the partner as a scape goat but these feelings are in no way inspired by the partner at home. That's my personal opinion.

 

No, your feelings are not emotional/physical blackmail. He is creating a situation that doesn't make you feel closer to him. It makes you feel father apart. Just because a woman doesn't feel like being intimate on different levels with her man, doesn't mean she is blackmailing him. It is totally natural when one partner does something that makes the other partner draw away to not feel like being intimate with them. It seems that he is not creating an environment that you feel safe and free in. He has created an environment that has best benefited him with little regard to your feelings. Its completely natural that if a man in relationship repeatidly puts himself in highly sexually charged situations with other women that his loyal woman at home is going to withdraw on some measure. That's the price you pay for spreading yourself so thin. And it's totally understandable and natural.

 

The fact that you feel like you have an intellectual opinion that is different then your emotional response is not uncommon at all. You are responding on a biological level to the fact that your man is out interacting and entertaing other women. So while alot of men will say that porn/strip clubs are 'natural", and the sexuality that attracts men to them are, it is just as natural for a woman to feel hurt/bothered and fearfull of where her man's head at if he exemplifies the need to still be on the hunt for other women.

 

You need to have a serious talk with your partner about your feelings. He is acting on his own feelings. A man defending porn and strip clubs is no more intellectual then your feelings on it. They are driven by his own feelings as well. Your feelings are not any less wrong then his. I see so many women that bury their feelings down because they are shamed into beleiving that being bothred by something like their men going into a highly sexually charged situation with other women is wrong but their man's desire to be with other women in a highly sexual situation is right. That's not right or fair to any woman. That is why you need to talk to him and not discount your feelings because everytime he decides to see strippers, view porn and text you lovey dovey messages, these are all based on *his* feelings.

 

Lastly, I am curious, do you go see male strippers? do you put yourself in situations with other men in highly sexually charged situations to the degree your partner does? What are your man's thoughts on that for you?

 

Jersey's right on the money here. Your feelings are just as important as his in this matter, no matter what he says or what "used" to be okay. You need to figure this out before you marry this man. Don't thrive on drama.

[Jersey Shortie]

Thanks Awsomeusername. I feel bad for the OP. This isn't an easy situation.

 

And it's a little frustrating to see strip clubs and porn get defended on nothing more then the basis of what men *feel* and women aren't allowed to judge the same situation based on what they *feel*.

[16thstreet]

Work is busy and I will try to respond to the posts from yesterday and today individually, but I wanted to give a quick update...

 

 

It is funny how misunderstanding can be the cause of many things and that how talking about things can really resolve so much so quickly. When my SO and I talked about this again (yesterday), it became immediately clear that I had misunderstood, in a few important ways, the events a few weeks ago when my SO was at the club alone.

 

First, he didn't get a lap dance at all. He went, had a beer, observed other guys there alone, felt like a creep, and left. I think when we first talked about it I asked "did you get a lap dance or anything" and he said "I didn't get a lap dance" but I heard "I did get a lap dance." Seriously, my cell phone has such bad audio that this kind of miscommunication happens to us, but usually it is cleared up right away. Here, because the response I *thought* he gave made me uncomfortable, I immediately dropped the point and there was no opportunity to clear it up then and there. If I had immediately said "You got a WHAT?!! Alone? WTF?" he would have said "I said didnN'T, babe" and we probably would have talked about why he even went alone in the first place then and there. It would have spared me several weeks of pouring through thoughts and considering my boundaries, and several posts to LS. But, in some ways I am glad that I misunderstood and had to really think about this and form an idea of where my boundaries are exactly.

 

Second, it was the first time (and I am pretty sure it will be the last time) that he went to a club alone. When I asked him to explain why he even went at all, he said that for him it is fun social thing and he has a lot of friends that really love to go (a fact). That particular evening, after he was at a lame meat-market bar waiting on a buddy that failed to show, he decided to stop in at a place that he usually has a good time. His point is that when you experience something with friends and it's great and fun, you do not necessarily think about the fact that the experience is going to be entirely different when you are a there alone. At least, he didn't. Until he showed up and felt awkward, it didn't really click for him that a club can be a lonely place. So, he was lonely and sent a few messages to me.

 

I get it. I'm comfortable with it. I'm happy that it's resolved. For for me, going to the club with friends is clearly okay in my book. Certainly not all the time but on occasion, as is the case with him and his buds, it is completely fine with me. Getting a lap dance when everyone's doing it is also just fine with me (I've bought him a lap dance myself). There are definitely things that would potentially make me uncomfortable, like going to a club solo and buying a lap dance. He is not a mind-reader, but he is also not an idiot--he doesn't intentionally do things that he knows that will hurt me. I will not tell him what he can or cannot do ever of course, but I will try to share with him more openly and readily about how I feel so that he can make his own decisions. I know that the decision he will make will usually be the one that makes me smile.

 

Did I mention that I am not the best at communicating about my feelings? I am working on it!