counterman Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 That's why you never use the term "meet up" or "hang out". So, I asked this girl out last week... actually, I thought I did. I asked her "hey, would you like to meet up sometime?". She said yes, what would you like to do? I said coffee. My first mistake was using the term "meet up". This could imply meeting up as friends do. Thing is, I was not her friend and it was clear that I was interested in her. I should have made it clearer by using a stronger term than meet up. My second mistake was not setting a place, date and time. This girl and I, we share a class together. Today, I sat next to her and one word to describe her would be... cold. I was cheery as usual and she seemed reluctant to talk to me. This was in contrast to our prior meetings where she was also asking questions about me. So, I stayed quite a little while and then I asked her "we're still on for our date right?". Here's where what I said before comes back to haunt me (well, I thought it was this). She says "I don't recall ever agreeing to a date". I said "last week...". She replied, in an annoyed tone, "you said coffee - coffee doesn't mean a date". Okay, so I thought it was "meet up" that confused her but coffee?! Anyways, I asked her "so that's a no then?" and she says "coffee is fine but a date..." (She didn't actually say no but I figured she didn't want to hurt me). So, she would have coffee with me but not under the agreement that it is a date. Now, what I thought was if I have this "date" with her, it's to get to know her better and to see if we're compatible. Thus, if it doesn't go well, there's no second date. If it does go well, I'll ask for her on second date. Simple? It's not as though you're committing to a relationship from the first date. I think that is what she though and this whole idea of "dating" spooked her. Most important, I'll concede, she probably wasn't even that interested, which is more than fair enough. I could have been straight to the point and asked her out using "go out" or "go on a date". Needless to say, after that, when class finished, she walked straight out without saying anything to me. Am I gutted? Not really. I'm not feeling very upset or angry about this. I made up my mind that she's just not that interested and I'm not going to have coffee with her. Will I sit next to her next class and classes after? No. Will I initiate a conversation with her again? No, but I will smile and say hi when I see her. What do you guys think?
USMCHokie Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Lesson learned...but I think even if you had used different phrasing in asking her before, she didn't seem very interested in you or in coffee...any woman in their right mind would infer some sort of "date-i-ness" when a guy asks if they want to get coffee sometime...the only time it would be assumed to be strictly platonic is if the friendship had already been firmly established... "you said coffee - coffee doesn't mean a date" -- kind of rude, if you ask me...this girl is full of herself...seriously... Next please...
Tnerforireyeh Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Don't take school-age chicks seriously bro. Unless you're big man on campus you get jerked around a lot.
Author counterman Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 Lesson learned...but I think even if you had used different phrasing in asking her before, she didn't seem very interested in you or in coffee...any woman in their right mind would infer some sort of "date-i-ness" when a guy asks if they want to get coffee sometime...the only time it would be assumed to be strictly platonic is if the friendship had already been firmly established... "you said coffee - coffee doesn't mean a date" -- kind of rude, if you ask me...this girl is full of herself...seriously... Next please... Couldn't have agreed more. I thought there was interest at first but that quickly fizzled out. Different phrasing would have stopped a bit of confusion that happened later and a little awkwardness. She did sound quite rude but I don't blame her. She just wasn't interested. I think it annoyed her a little that I didn't break down or anything. I just continued to talk to my friends (less to her) and laugh around. If she comes around and decides that she wants do date me, what should I do? I told my friend I would say no. However, he said, don't do that and explained that maybe the whole dating thing is just new to her. For me, whatever it is, she still isn't interested and I don't want to have my time wasted.
Author counterman Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 Don't take school-age chicks seriously bro. Unless you're big man on campus you get jerked around a lot. The only thing is, these girls are all around my age. There are a lot of girls from the richer suburbs on my campus and a lot of outsiders have described the people who attend my university as "pretentious". I hope to avoid dating any of these girls. What do you mean by jerked around a lot?
DustySaltus Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Counter, a girl who responded the way she did is not going to come back around. Even if she wanted to her ego would get in the way. As Hokie said, if you are asking her out for a cup of coffee there has to be some level of interest. If you would've asked her out for a "drink" she might have said that she doesn't drink or think your an alcoholic....who knows, especially with a girl like this. She showed you a little bit of her ugly side by the way she responded to you. Tip of the iceberg my friend, tip of the iceberg. What does the barber say?........................Next!
Silver_star Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 for future reference I would say that "meeting up" can leave it open to interpretation..but its only an "out" so to speak. If you ask a girl to "meet up" or "hang out" and she says yes chances are she knows you are interested in her, but having not said "ill pick u up at 8" or "lets go for dinner" or something more formal date wise she can gauge the evening how she sees fit. So maybe she likes you as a person and wants to gauge how hanging out with you is, or maybe she wants to see if there could be a spark between you...but if not, she can be safe in knowing that you only asked to meet up and wont feel guilty or obligated to be physical towards you at the end of the night. If she is reallly intterested in you and you ask her to hang out..she will flirt, and make sure the "meet up" occurs again. Thats my experience with guys who have asked me to hang out, and it seems to be the consensus among friends...the "meet up" is in cautious predate territory.
Leia Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Liam, sorry I haven't been writing. Going through some s*** of my own at the moment. That said, I agree with Hokie and DustySulty. Also, you know how I feel about her from the PMs we've been exchanging. Seriously, not worth your time. She has some sort of a I'm-Too-Good-For-Any-Guy attitude. You can do so much better! Next!
harmfulsweetz Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I'm sorry it didn't work out. I thought she was just socially awkward, because I come off cold at times when I'm uncomfortable etc, when I'm really not. Lesson learned. Next time, I say just say something like (not with this chick nosiree) 'do you want to go on a date sometime?' At least then she doesn't have an out, maybe she was caught off guard? Sometimes, us chicks, may see something romantically (i.e. she may be interested but only so far as in to get to know you a little bit more) before the term date gets applied. I wouldn't bother with her anymore, most girls also would infer the datiness (sp?) of the situation without needing it spelling out, especially if you guys are not already established friends. i.e my guy friend (whom I haven't seen in years) wants to meet up with me for a drink, some would infer date, but because we are already established friends, I know and he knows it's not. If you aren't friends as such, then yeah, it's fairly obvious. Especially the way you said you were flirting with this chick. It sounds like she was blowing hot and cold, maybe she met another guy? Or simply likes men being interested in her? Whatever it is, don't waste your time with her.
alphamale Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 What do you guys think? you don't take chicks you like "out for coffee", how lame. don't you have even $30 to take her to olive garden? jeez
DustySaltus Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 you don't take chicks you like "out for coffee", how lame. don't you have even $30 to take her to olive garden? jeez You're right unlimited salad and breadsticks really show you care.
alphamale Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 You're right unlimited salad and breadsticks really show you care. well its better than a $1.99 cafe latte basically if you don't have money to take chicks out then don't ask them out
Tnerforireyeh Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Right because it's every man's duty to pay for female attention.
DustySaltus Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 well its better than a $1.99 cafe latte basically if you don't have money to take chicks out then don't ask them out I'm all for taking a lady out for surf and turf but if there's a solid rotation going it gets expensive....real quick. My logic is that if I meet someone and have the opportunity to chat with them at the inital contact, I would ask them out to dinner. If it's just a fleeting moment, it's the right move to ask them out for a drink or coffee. Not because your neccesarily cheap but it's easier to fill the time and if by chance things don't go well, you can cut it early...
Tnerforireyeh Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Never do dinner on a first date. Always do drinks. If some appetizers pop up while drinking, then fine. If she won't drink with you, then don't go out with her.
ADF Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 If your "friend" were a little more sophisticated, she would know that men--especially young men--almost never go out of their way to befriend women unless they are attracted to them. Almost never. If you're in your teens or 20s--even 30s--and a man asks you for coffee, he's asking for a date. Period. End of story. Unless he's your brother or cousin or something. I don't think you did anything wrong. As far as you were concerned, you communicated your intent clearly. Frankly, I think she's being deliberately dense here. If she isn't interested, she should say so, not quibble over semantics.
Engadget Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Right because it's every man's duty to pay for female attention. Yeah, that old fashiondness makes it hard to date when you're broke!
Author counterman Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 Thanks for the replies! Counter, a girl who responded the way she did is not going to come back around. Even if she wanted to her ego would get in the way. As Hokie said, if you are asking her out for a cup of coffee there has to be some level of interest. If you would've asked her out for a "drink" she might have said that she doesn't drink or think your an alcoholic....who knows, especially with a girl like this. She showed you a little bit of her ugly side by the way she responded to you. Tip of the iceberg my friend, tip of the iceberg. What does the barber say?........................Next! Yep, don't thinks he's coming around. I'll move on to the next one. for future reference I would say that "meeting up" can leave it open to interpretation..but its only an "out" so to speak. If you ask a girl to "meet up" or "hang out" and she says yes chances are she knows you are interested in her, but having not said "ill pick u up at 8" or "lets go for dinner" or something more formal date wise she can gauge the evening how she sees fit. So maybe she likes you as a person and wants to gauge how hanging out with you is, or maybe she wants to see if there could be a spark between you...but if not, she can be safe in knowing that you only asked to meet up and wont feel guilty or obligated to be physical towards you at the end of the night. If she is reallly intterested in you and you ask her to hang out..she will flirt, and make sure the "meet up" occurs again. Thats my experience with guys who have asked me to hang out, and it seems to be the consensus among friends...the "meet up" is in cautious predate territory. Thanks for that. It makes sense. I think she agreed to meet up rather than a date because, as you said, it's being cautious. I am pretty new, so she has to see what it's like first. Liam, sorry I haven't been writing. Going through some s*** of my own at the moment. That said, I agree with Hokie and DustySulty. Also, you know how I feel about her from the PMs we've been exchanging. Seriously, not worth your time. She has some sort of a I'm-Too-Good-For-Any-Guy attitude. You can do so much better! Next! We were on even terms at the start then after I approached her a few times, I felt that attitude from her. It would be like: Me: how was your weekend? Her: hmmm? good. (continues to do her own thing and not even look at me) It's fine, Leia. You'll pull through what you are going through and I'll be sure to keep you updated whenever something happens! I'm sorry it didn't work out. I thought she was just socially awkward, because I come off cold at times when I'm uncomfortable etc, when I'm really not. Lesson learned. Next time, I say just say something like (not with this chick nosiree) 'do you want to go on a date sometime?' At least then she doesn't have an out, maybe she was caught off guard? Sometimes, us chicks, may see something romantically (i.e. she may be interested but only so far as in to get to know you a little bit more) before the term date gets applied. I wouldn't bother with her anymore, most girls also would infer the datiness (sp?) of the situation without needing it spelling out, especially if you guys are not already established friends. i.e my guy friend (whom I haven't seen in years) wants to meet up with me for a drink, some would infer date, but because we are already established friends, I know and he knows it's not. If you aren't friends as such, then yeah, it's fairly obvious. Especially the way you said you were flirting with this chick. It sounds like she was blowing hot and cold, maybe she met another guy? Or simply likes men being interested in her? Whatever it is, don't waste your time with her. It's all good, 'Sweetz! Better I found out sooner rather then after I set up the "coffee" "meet up". Next time I will definitely make it clearer. That's the thing. We weren't friends and I thought it was clear to her that I was interested and wanted a date. It was fairly obvious. I'll learn from this though. What I highlighted in bold struck accord with something that happened today. I'll write it in the next post. you don't take chicks you like "out for coffee", how lame. don't you have even $30 to take her to olive garden? jeez well its better than a $1.99 cafe latte basically if you don't have money to take chicks out then don't ask them out Chicks I've have slight interest in, I would. As for girls I like, yeah, I still would. In all fairness, I got the idea off members from LS and I thought it's fine. That was really funny! All my friends (single) say they wouldn't want to ask a girl out unless they had a job and car. I do work and drive but I don't think you fully understand the situation. Right because it's every man's duty to pay for female attention. I'm all for taking a lady out for surf and turf but if there's a solid rotation going it gets expensive....real quick. My logic is that if I meet someone and have the opportunity to chat with them at the inital contact, I would ask them out to dinner. If it's just a fleeting moment, it's the right move to ask them out for a drink or coffee. Not because your neccesarily cheap but it's easier to fill the time and if by chance things don't go well, you can cut it early... Well, I did have a chat with her and whatnot. However, dinner wouldn't have been appropriate for the first date in this case. Coffee, there was these new cafes that I wanted to try and thought she would want to go to as well. Never do dinner on a first date. Always do drinks. If some appetizers pop up while drinking, then fine. If she won't drink with you, then don't go out with her. Yeah, I agree. I wouldn't do it, personally. Not because I cannot afford to. But, buying a girl dinner after I just met her? I don't think so. If your "friend" were a little more sophisticated, she would know that men--especially young men--almost never go out of their way to befriend women unless they are attracted to them. Almost never. If you're in your teens or 20s--even 30s--and a man asks you for coffee, he's asking for a date. Period. End of story. Unless he's your brother or cousin or something. I don't think you did anything wrong. As far as you were concerned, you communicated your intent clearly. Frankly, I think she's being deliberately dense here. If she isn't interested, she should say so, not quibble over semantics. I thought I communicated clearly as well. Though, I know I made a few mistake. I said to myself "surely she must know that I am interested...". As for the quibble, it bugged me a little because she seemed really annoyed that I even question her.
Author counterman Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 (edited) Today was a date of mixed feelings. I've met some really cool people who ended up being my friends and it has been really fun. I think that's why it was easier to cope with what happened. So, one of my friends met that girl I was talking about the day before I met her. They happened to sit next to each other and just spoke. I saw her walking out of class with him today and it was pretty obvious who she was interested in. It didn't bother me too much as it makes sense (what you said 'Sweetz was probably spot on). She was blowing hot and cold, and I think she grew a bit of a head when I asked her out. Like I said, after I asked her to "meet up", the next time I met her it was just cold. She seemed so sweet at first, and then it just went down-hill from there. I'll tell you what it's like. It's like the chick that's on the phone and doing her nails. She just goes "mmhmm, yeah? mmhmm? what was that? yeah? mmhmm, really?". Anyways, it was ironic because my friend liked this girl a couple of years back but she really liked me. However, I wasn't really interested. He was gutted for a while; she rejected his invitation to have coffee with him. Now, a couple of years later, a similar sort of thing happened. Just how the universe even things up. I am happy for him because he is a good friend. I don't she has had any experience in dating, hence the misunderstanding earlier. Also, I did get that vibe as well. Also today, I've gone back to noticing "hot" girls. There was this social event on today and there were so many attractive girls there, and the ones I spoke to, I got along with pretty well. Should I try and get back into dating? Maybe, but what happened recently set me back a notch or two and I'll be lying if I said it didn't dishearten me a little. I'll try but it's lower on my list of priorities. To top it all off, I saw my ex-girlfriend. She was 3 metres away and with other friends and I don't think she saw me. It was weird and I felt a little lonely at that moment but it quickly dissipated away. She looks to be doing well. As for my former friend who's dating my ex, his ex was interested in me before she was interested in him (he actually told me back of, so that's why I stopped talking to her). I always sense this tension when I see her and when we talk. She is a pretty girl but I cannot and will not go down that avenue. What do you guys think I should do? Edited March 17, 2010 by counterman
bananaboat11 Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I'd say lesson learned. I've had two girls ask me to go out for drinks. One kind of flaked on me, but still wants to go after spring break (this week)... but I refuse to engage that any longer. I'm going to make her do the leg work... another is 'seeing someone', but asked me to go out for a drink with her sometime. I'm assuming friend zone. Asking a girl out on a date these days is so much more difficult. Gender identity insecurities are at an all time high... too many players are breaking good girls and they end up putting up walls... too many spoiled youngens that think they're daddy's little princess and deserve only Brad Pitt.. or some other famous actor... and so on and so forth. In short, I stopped actively pursuing. If a girl seems interested in me, If I'm physically attracted to her (and no, she doesn't have to be HOT for me to be phys attracted to her) I may make some effort to get to know her... and hopefully things go from there. You can't be too careful today...
Author counterman Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 I'd say lesson learned. I've had two girls ask me to go out for drinks. One kind of flaked on me, but still wants to go after spring break (this week)... but I refuse to engage that any longer. I'm going to make her do the leg work... another is 'seeing someone', but asked me to go out for a drink with her sometime. I'm assuming friend zone. Asking a girl out on a date these days is so much more difficult. Gender identity insecurities are at an all time high... too many players are breaking good girls and they end up putting up walls... too many spoiled youngens that think they're daddy's little princess and deserve only Brad Pitt.. or some other famous actor... and so on and so forth. In short, I stopped actively pursuing. If a girl seems interested in me, If I'm physically attracted to her (and no, she doesn't have to be HOT for me to be phys attracted to her) I may make some effort to get to know her... and hopefully things go from there. You can't be too careful today... Yeah, I guess I would be leaning towards that, however it was my first attempt after getting over my break-up. I'll keep going at it though.
Leia Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 As for my former friend who's dating my ex, his ex was interested in me before she was interested in him (he actually told me back of, so that's why I stopped talking to her). I always sense this tension when I see her and when we talk. She is a pretty girl but I cannot and will not go down that avenue. What do you guys think I should do? If you're not going to down that road then there isn't much you can do. I wouldn't advice you to go after her cos from the PMs we've exchanged, I know how you feel about that. Remember ~ bros before hos Take your time, ya know.
Author counterman Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 How are things today, Liam? I think I am getting use to the swing of things. My friends are great and I am just taking it easy of my work. Lack of sleep is making my body tired but I fine myself still willing to keep walking and keep standing on my feet. Today, I saw this girl sitting by herself, reading her notes and she licking this lollipop. She looked over at me a few times and she caught me looking at her once. I was going to just go up and talk to her but felt a little reluctant. No worries though! If you're not going to down that road then there isn't much you can do. I wouldn't advice you to go after her cos from the PMs we've exchanged, I know how you feel about that. Remember ~ bros before hos Take your time, ya know. You're right, I feel very strongly about that issue and wouldn't go down that path. Plus, anyone who's dated that guy is never going to have a chance with me. I find it hard to really talk to her too. So yeah, I would go there. Bros over hos! Though if my friends had a chance to score with a girl, I wouldn't hold him back:p I should just take my time and relax. There's something about some of the girls here that makes me shudder. How are things going with you?
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