superfoxy Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Hi everyone, I met a guy not too ago on an online dating site. We seemed to click very quickly and he really acted interested in me. At first I told him I wasn't sure about a relationship as I am a grad school and don't want to mess up school because of a relationship. Anyways after getting to know him more I felt I needed to give it a try. He asked me to not speak to other males because he says he is very possessive. I stopped going to the dating site but noticed he kept logging on it. Anyways at one point we had a discussion and I found what he said offensive so I said my feelings and he ripped me apart, bringing up past examples of what I told him in confidence, and also even tried to tell me he could do my career better than I could. After that we mended things up. We finally met in real life, prior to the meeting he told me he lost his wallet. He said he would call me back when he found it as he would need money to get down to meet me. He called back, said he couldn't find it and asked me for a favor to borrow 50 dollars. I said yes, I am the type of person who cannot say no if someone needs money for basic necessities, he said he needed groceries. I could not get down to see him as traveling that late at night in that part of the city is not safe. So I offered to pay for a cab for him to come to my place. He came over for dinner, and I lent him sixty dollars, as he was leaving he asked me for another ten dollars for cigarettes. I only had twenty so I gave it to him. Anyways he didn't seem like he wanted me to wait with him downstairs for his ride that was arriving to take him home so I went back up to my place. He never called me when he went home like he said he would, I had to call him, then today I called him as he asked me to wake him up and he didn't answer, I called back in six hours he answered and told me he would phone me in 20 minutes which he never did. I then called back hours later he answered spoke for 10 minutes then said oh I will call you back in five minutes. And he didn't call back in five minutes. I am very confused, I feel lowered like a worthless person and I am not sure why. I am good to humanity because I have compassion yet it seems to equate to being walked over. I don't know how to read him or what he wants from me.
Bejita463 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 asked me for a favor to borrow 50 dollars That is literally all I needed to read. Tells the story.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 He asked me to not speak to other males because he says he is very possessive. I stopped going to the dating site but noticed he kept logging on it. I said my feelings and he ripped me apart, bringing up past examples of what I told him in confidence, and also even tried to tell me he could do my career better than I could. asked me for a favor to borrow 50 dollars. as he was leaving he asked me for another ten dollars for cigarettes he didn't seem like he wanted me to wait with him downstairs for his ride that was arriving to take him home so I went back up to my place He never called me when he went home like he said he would told me he would phone me in 20 minutes which he never did said oh I will call you back in five minutes. And he didn't call back in five minutes Um. I feel lowered like a worthless person and I am not sure why. I am good to humanity because I have compassion yet it seems to equate to being walked over. You are allowing him to treat you badly. Don't do that. Just don't ever have any contact with him again whatsoever.
Lovelybird Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 (edited) Super, you don't need to read him, let him go. And one simple trick to make yourself feel better: just practice saying NO over and over again. Your good intention shouldn't be used in these situations, because in the end they all sounds "needy and doormatic". A strong woman would ditch him long time ago, politely, you can be this woman, by practice. He is not the kind of guy who can provide you love, trust and safe relationship, so let him go. and you will feel good about yourself more tell yourself stop doing those things because of compulsive, it is not kindness really, because you let him continue to be a less-than-man, never challenged him to be better, the codependent mother-son image came to mind. "the kindness" here is selfishness because of fear of loneliness. Edited March 16, 2010 by Lovelybird
Author superfoxy Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 Hello everyone, Thank you so much for your responses. Ruby Slippers you are right, we teach people how to treat us and I have taught him a very bad way of treating me. I am kidding myself in thinking that I am being kind because I know I just look lame and maybe it is all a lesson learned that I needed to go through. Too much past pain has happened from previous men in my life and I feel weak to them often. One thing that plays in my life time and time again is when I give men from my culture a chance they burn me, because my culture teaches them to be dominant and treat women terribly, because my parents want me to be with a man from my culture I keep trying yet fail miserably. LovelyBird your words make so much sense and hold a lot of wisdom, you opened my eyes again to codependent behaviors which I know I exhibit and have read about but have not fully implemented a solution to clear such behaviors. I feel sort of used by giving him money when I think that maybe he just thinks I am some desperate girl which I obviously portrayed myself to be. I almost feel like it was a test on purpose to see how far I would go for example see if I'd pay for his cab, give him money for groceries, and keep giving him money. Anyways I tried to speak to him today about his intentions. He asked me why I didn't get intimate with him and I told him I like to get to know people first, and he brought up this fling again that I told him I had once and he said I contradicted myself. He also said that the top I wore was enticing and showed my cleavage and asked me if long term goals to a relationship were in my mind when I wore that top even though he previously told me he enjoys low cut tops which is the only reason I wore it. I feel like an absolute idiot.
Bejita463 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I feel like an absolute idiot. That is only the case if you don't take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. It is what you do after you've made them that matters.
Els Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 (edited) Regarding the money, I really think you should stop beating yourself up. I always lend money to friends who ask (although not as much as sixty dollars), sometimes even strangers who appear genuine. Even though I fully realize that I may not get the money back (and a few times I haven't - or, in the strangers' case, it turned out to be a fraud) I feel the shame is on them, not on me. I'm merely giving them the benefit of doubt and lending a helping hand just in CASE they happen to really need it, and I feel it would be worse for me to refuse and then find out they were genuine, as opposed to just losing a few dollars. They, on the other hand, took opportunity of someone's kindness, the most despicable of acts. But I also think that all the stuff you did and put up with to try and get him to like you - yes, that is something you should work on, to prevent yourself from being stepped on all over. Edited March 16, 2010 by Elswyth
LovelyDaze Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 But I also think that all the stuff you did and put up with to try and get him to like you - yes, that is something you should work on, to prevent yourself from being stepped on all over. You seem like a very noble person and that is really admirable. However, DO NOT and I mean it...DO NOT ever let this person back into your life. He was in no way shape or form interested in being in an honest relationship and only wanted to use you. As mentioned above, practice saying no to people. No one respects a doormat so please stop being one. You are worth more than being someone's sucker.
txsilkysmoothe Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Hi everyone, I met a guy not too ago on an online dating site. We seemed to click very quickly and he really acted interested in me. At first I told him I wasn't sure about a relationship as I am a grad school and don't want to mess up school because of a relationship. Anyways after getting to know him more I felt I needed to give it a try. He asked me to not speak to other males because he says he is very possessive. I stopped going to the dating site but noticed he kept logging on it. Anyways at one point we had a discussion and I found what he said offensive so I said my feelings and he ripped me apart, bringing up past examples of what I told him in confidence, and also even tried to tell me he could do my career better than I could. After that we mended things up. We finally met in real life, prior to the meeting he told me he lost his wallet. He said he would call me back when he found it as he would need money to get down to meet me. He called back, said he couldn't find it and asked me for a favor to borrow 50 dollars. I said yes, I am the type of person who cannot say no if someone needs money for basic necessities, he said he needed groceries. I could not get down to see him as traveling that late at night in that part of the city is not safe. So I offered to pay for a cab for him to come to my place. He came over for dinner, and I lent him sixty dollars, as he was leaving he asked me for another ten dollars for cigarettes. I only had twenty so I gave it to him. Anyways he didn't seem like he wanted me to wait with him downstairs for his ride that was arriving to take him home so I went back up to my place. He never called me when he went home like he said he would, I had to call him, then today I called him as he asked me to wake him up and he didn't answer, I called back in six hours he answered and told me he would phone me in 20 minutes which he never did. I then called back hours later he answered spoke for 10 minutes then said oh I will call you back in five minutes. And he didn't call back in five minutes. I am very confused, I feel lowered like a worthless person and I am not sure why. I am good to humanity because I have compassion yet it seems to equate to being walked over. I don't know how to read him or what he wants from me. You're getting alot of sympathy from other posters, but you took some very dangerous risks. You were far too trusting and acted naively. There are some things you should never do, particularly with online dating. A first meeting should NEVER take place at your home Never meet any man who has -Asked you for money Told you not to talk to other men Ridiculed and ripped you apart [*]Do not continue to call a man who doesn't return your calls He has demonstrated he has a temper and feels an entitlement to sex with you - you should be concerned that he knows where you live. It sounds like you are still communicating with him?
DustySaltus Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Hi everyone, I met a guy not too ago on an online dating site. We seemed to click very quickly and he really acted interested in me. At first I told him I wasn't sure about a relationship as I am a grad school and don't want to mess up school because of a relationship. Anyways after getting to know him more I felt I needed to give it a try. He asked me to not speak to other males because he says he is very possessive. I stopped going to the dating site but noticed he kept logging on it. Anyways at one point we had a discussion and I found what he said offensive so I said my feelings and he ripped me apart, bringing up past examples of what I told him in confidence, and also even tried to tell me he could do my career better than I could. After that we mended things up. Off to a good start, aren't we? We finally met in real life, Huh, come again? prior to the meeting he told me he lost his wallet. He said he would call me back when he found it as he would need money to get down to meet me. He called back, said he couldn't find it and asked me for a favor to borrow 50 dollars. No self-respecting man would ever admit to this, especially on a first date. I said yes, I am the type of person who cannot say no if someone needs money for basic necessities, he said he needed groceries. Target acquired. I could not get down to see him as traveling that late at night in that part of the city is not safe. So I offered to pay for a cab for him to come to my place. He came over for dinner, and I lent him sixty dollars, as he was leaving he asked me for another ten dollars for cigarettes. I only had twenty so I gave it to him. Anyways he didn't seem like he wanted me to wait with him downstairs for his ride that was arriving to take him home so I went back up to my place. He never called me when he went home like he said he would, I had to call him, then today I called him as he asked me to wake him up and he didn't answer, I called back in six hours he answered and told me he would phone me in 20 minutes which he never did. I then called back hours later he answered spoke for 10 minutes then said oh I will call you back in five minutes. And he didn't call back in five minutes. I am very confused, I feel lowered like a worthless person and I am not sure why. I am good to humanity because I have compassion yet it seems to equate to being walked over. I don't know how to read him or what he wants from me I'm sorry you had to go through this but this guy is a complete weasel. Think of it this way, for $60 bucks he's out of your life forever. He could've strung you along for hundreds of dollars. You need to keep your emotions in check when initially meeting someone. The guy is a complete deadbeat....and you know this. Count your blessings and LEARN from it.
Author superfoxy Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 Hi everyone, Thank you for all of your responses. A few of you said that its okay to loose money and at least I didn't loose more - you are so right, and I agree. I at least learned early on. txsilkysmoothe you hit it right on all of your points, this was me acting very naively and I have never had this experience with online dating where I would put up with so much crap. This guy really built himself up in my head to be very desirable by other women, telling me all the time how women chase after him and so on. In many ways I felt lowered by his put downs, and him ripping me apart that I came to believe I deserved this treatment. If it happened to my friend I would tell them run away in a second. There was part of him that was so nice and charming then this other part that was very harsh. I continued to give him a chance in the hopes that maybe I would find a Muslim husband I could bring home. Sadly anytime I try to date out of my own culture I fail, and always come out lowered as a woman. The only thing that keeps my hopes up that good men exist who are in my culture is my father and brothers who are the most amazing men I have met. But at this point I must say its important to live one's life for oneself and even if I date someone who is not my culture, I know my family will still love me. I am just a very strong woman in my career and school, but when it comes to men from my culture they put me in this low spot that I feel I can't escape. I will now take time to help myself recover and make myself a stronger woman who does not get stepped on.
Ninita Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 the problem is not that he's not into you, the problem is that he's an arsehole and you shouldn't be into him. Which kind of guy tells you nasty things like that, especially before even meeting you anyway? Or borrows money? I'm not Muslim but I happen to know some really cool Muslim guys, for example one guy from Iran I know is just this amazing, smart, confident, sweet person and supernice to his gf, so don't despair!
Author superfoxy Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 Hi Ninita, i do hope I meet a nice man, i know they exist. The hardest part for me is the feeling of being used and moving on but the gratefulness of knowing it could be far worse will keep me sane. Although right now I feel very empty, it took me years of being closed off to men to finally open up.
Twenty-ten Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Honestly it is all mental. I am going to tell you to do something that my sound silly and crazy but it really works. Picture him in the most unflattering way you can, ex. with a huge booger hanging out of his nose, talking to you closely with bad breath, a grape sized ball of wax peeking out of his ear like a turtle, or going #2. Program your brain to see him in an unflattering way, and your thought patterns will start to shift, stop idolizing him and see him in a different light.
Lovelybird Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Hi, Super, you said men put you in a low spot, it is not true, this sounds like you are completely out of control, in fact, you can control what your responses are. I like a saying people often use "you get what YOU tolerate". The more you tolerate bad behaviors, the more you will feel empty and low self esteem; the more you refuse to take bad behaviors, the more you will feel good about yourself. I feel like in the love area you haven't have clear shapes, you seem don't know when to start your responsibility, when to end other's right to enter your territory (emotional well being), if you like, here is a website you can learn about boundaries, they have many free videos, you can watch online, check out their "video channels" http://www.cloudtownsend.com/ Do you have lots of negative self talkings about yourself as a charming woman? usually these negative self talkings damage a person's confidence. you can capture these negative talkings in your mind and change them into good ones. so what do your religion talk about women? Do you feel God's love enable you to love and respect yourself more?
Author superfoxy Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 Twenty-ten I will try to picture a more negative image, usually when things end between me and another person I will portray them in a negative way to get me to stop putting them on a pedastool. Lovelybird you are right that we get what we tolerate. I know this from experience, in the past I have tried in a few relationships to draw boundaries and it was so much healthier. I find as soon as I meet a Muslim men I get out of control, one reason being that my parents would be more satisfied with me to marry one so I think oh I found one I need to impress him and I can bring him home. This leads to a downward spiral because they usually don't fit my personality and we have many differences but I force it to somehow workout and in the process will do anything for it to work even if it means lowering my standards, taking verbal abuse and so on. I am going to check out the site you have posted. I also called a counselling agency yesterday and will be going to therapy so I can build my self esteem and be a stronger woman that I want to be, so that I can be in a healthier relationship when I am ready. In terms of religion I am trying to learn more, I find parts of religion do speak positively about women, but how it is implemented in religious organization and groups can be very different.
nizu Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 (edited) ok so i came to this website 5 mins ago and stumbled onto ur story and then realized i had to register and reply at first i had no intentions of replying to anyone but yea i need to reply i want to use bad words but i think they rnt allowed ok forget that fool.... that guys sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if i was really interested in a lady and went to visit her no way in hell would i act that way.... nor would i ask her for money id call back and say i cant go this weekend i lost my wallet and even if she offered i would say no...... i mean how is this type of guy going to take care of his lady??? if he can't even take care of himself too?? and the calls o man!!!!!! if a lady or chick or women call u,,,, calls a guy u never ever hang up the call ...ever... in fact a chick calling is already a big deal... idk usually the guy calls i assumed unless the chick is interested there for if the chick called u definitely do not hang up or blow the call away.. its understandable how u feel ..... but like i said u shouldn't feel like that ....and compassion is a good thing .... there r guys out there who would love the way u act and think and are.... it is true ppl will take advantage anytime they see it but not just other guys ..females take advantage too u realize that... unfortunately u met the wrong guy... OOOO yea and i got another thing to say ... what kind of bull **** is that .... he said he is very possessive...really ..... i could use some many bad word to summarize what i think of that but to make sure this message makes it to u ill stick to English forget that!!!!!! why would u want a possessive guy anyways ... nvm well sometimes chick like that but in this society in this time era so many ladies r free spirited and Independent..... i don't agree with u on stopping on visiting that site.....i just cant see it.....that guy is nobody to be deciding what u do.. all u did was talked and maybe met.... no guy should control your life.... if when u marry and have a husband.... there is no guy who can stop u from doing something u want to do....sure he can say becareful ... but as soon as the words " i forbid u " or "NO u cant " u should already know he is an *******...... o yea and dont let urself be walked over.. i say u just erase him from ur life.. move on..... if u need to emails... msns ... phones do the works ........ if u dont want to do works just ignore him.... and move on like i said there are few guys out there who would love they way u r and think!!! u just need to find one.... i know that from what i read ur personality already sounds great...... if this **** sounds gay.... nothing against guy ppl but im not gay lol cant have weird messages going on cuz of what i wrote.... u can say i put my personal opinion into that like my pov and .. yea dont want to be to straight up dont know the rules... but yea foxy u made a complete random person sign up on this forums just cuz of ur story lol!!!!! Edited March 18, 2010 by nizu misplled words
georgia girl Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Superfoxy, Your posts really scare me because I think you are deliberately setting yourself up to be treated badly by men. You say this is your culture, but you act in a way that would encourage this treatment, including: agreeing to exclusivity when it was not offered in return; allowing someone to insult you and verbally abuse you and simply forgive it; inviting a stranger to your house for you to give him money; repeatedly calling this man when he fails to keep his promises to you. You say you are in grad school, so I'm wondering if there are some school counselors available for you to talk to? I think you should really take some time, get off all dating sites and really do some self-reflection about who you are, what you want in a healthy relationship and how you will effectively negotiate a fair, honest, happy and healthy relationship with a potential partner. I don't meant to come down on you because it seems that this may be a pattern in your life. BUT, I do want to create a sense of urgency within you to really seek some resolution to your own issues before you become involved with someone again. (And I would totally never see/hear/talk to this particular man again.) The next guy you meet without being able to properly establish and maintain a healthy relationship could be someone who could really hurt you. Please take some significant steps to get and stay safe.
Lovelybird Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 I find as soon as I meet a Muslim men I get out of control, one reason being that my parents would be more satisfied with me to marry one so I think oh I found one I need to impress him and I can bring him home. This leads to a downward spiral because they usually don't fit my personality and we have many differences but I force it to somehow workout and in the process will do anything for it to work even if it means lowering my standards, taking verbal abuse and so on. Yes, it is understandable that old habits and "family values"(not necessarily all are right) are hard to break. but try to forget what your parents want, forget what you should do to impress the man, and try to ask yourself in the bottom of your heart, what you want to do in those situations rather than what you SHOULD do. Seems you already figure out what is the key in dating: stop trying so hard, and just be yourself, one day a good man will appreciate you for you, I believe there are decent muslim guy also. You have to have faith to believe this. There are lots of decent men out there, it depends on your ability of letting the bad ones pass so you will get to your man. I feel like you are a decent and smart lady. Long ago when I was in a very bad situation that I literally lost all my confidence and will, my mother gave me a comment that carried me through (maybe God inspired her to say so ). I feel like you fit into this comment perfectly. "you are a precious pearl covered by some dust, but one day you are going to shine brightly !" I also called a counselling agency yesterday and will be going to therapy so I can build my self esteem and be a stronger woman that I want to be, so that I can be in a healthier relationship when I am ready. very good idea ! I think some therapists are very good. In terms of religion I am trying to learn more, I find parts of religion do speak positively about women, but how it is implemented in religious organization and groups can be very different Yes, I agree with you on this
Author superfoxy Posted March 20, 2010 Author Posted March 20, 2010 Nizu, thank you for your reply, and for signing up just to reply to my post. There is so much i overlooked, and so much I put up with for no good reason, and so much of the treatment went against what I value. I just threw my dignity out the window and became a lowly creature, you are right in all you say that this is no way to treat a woman, and i don't deserve it. Georgia girl you are right i do set myself up and i take it willingly. I feel its almost sadistic at times. The interesting thing I have been aware of is it happens between me and men of my culture because I somehow get into falling into the role of a traditional woman, the problem is the natural me is not traditional. I feel when I am with another man who is not the same culture I can be who I want, I never have to play a role. I have now spoken to my school and they have referred me to an external clinic that deals with the issues I am facing in regards to sexual/relationship/self esteem issues. I hope that talking things through and developing better coping mechanisms will help me be stronger. Lovely Bird your quote is so beautiful, the one that your mother told you in fact I was so touched by it i had to put it on my facebook status because i want to stare at it. I also feel what you said about doing what you want to instead of should do is something I need to do all the time, and i need to focus on myself, my dreams, my aspirations not let any guy come into my life and just accept him even if he isn't the one for me. I have to spend time with someone who is the one for me. And i need patience to wait and allow it to happen. But first and foremost I need to build my self esteem, be a strong woman who can handle men and who is able to say no, be able to walk away, be able to demand self respect before entering any relationship with another man. I cannot move on without taking care of myself first. Thank you so very much for everyone's advice and kind words.
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