marionthelibrarian Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 I'm dating my childhood sweetheart for 6 months now. We're 1000 miles apart. We've seen each other about once a month. We've talked about the future and how we feel we want to be together. But at 50 years old, we've been around the block a few times and know a decision like this needs time. One thing's for sure. A LDR is a whole other ballgame that I have never experienced. And, along with a host of issues that I've read is common in your threads, my biggest one is... How are we ever gonna know if this is the person we want to live with for the rest of our lives? If we ever get to that point, I'm going to have to be the one to move and leave my family. And here I sit, after the original euphoria, wondering how I will ever know for sure, in order to uproot my life, if we are not together on a daily basis?
aerogurl87 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Well I look at it this way. There are no 100% guarantees in life, in fact I could die after writing this post, you just never know. With that said, life is full of risks. Love runs the risk of being heartbroken, marriage runs the risk of divorce, etc. etc. But then you have to sit back and ask yourself, do the benefits outweigh the potential risks? If the answer is yes, then you can move ahead with making a decison. In my case, I'm taking a risk on love once more with a guy who lives in another country. My friends say I'm crazy, my parents don't understand why I won't just date someone here, but I know in my heart that the benefits of how I feel being with this guy and how well we get along and understand each other is worth me taking the risk of potentially falling in love with him, and then who knows... maybe he'll end up being the one.
Romance Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Its the hardest part of my life. It is the only part of my life that makes me really upset and the only part of my life that bothers me a lot. It'd be so much easier if I wasnt in a LDR. Its hard to know if they're the one, but you just have to risk it if you think the person is worth it.
SomeGirl Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 It's definitely not easy. My bf and I have had discussions about our relationship, and even though we know how much its killing us to live so far away from each other (He lives in the US East Coast and I in Costa Rica) it would make it worse if we ended it. We love each other too much and our bond is too strong. Basically, what I'm saying is. It's ok to doubt and be afraid, but deep inside you can tell if this is someone worth fighting for and if they are the person you want to be with for the rest of your life. I know my bunny is, and I'd be willing to move with him (Currently one of the possibilities if he gets into a masters program in NH) as much as he would move here. Just remember, we only live once and can't let our fears be the ones that hold our fate.
BettyBoop Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 And here I sit, after the original euphoria, wondering how I will ever know for sure, in order to uproot my life, if we are not together on a daily basis? When I dated my LDR ex who lived over 24 hrs away by plane (in Australia) I only saw him twice a year (dated for 2 yrs). It wasn't until I spent the last summer vacation there that I realised he was not the man for me. However, before that I loved him so much and thought he was so perfect for me that the distance didn't matter. This was because I felt I would never find anybody else who would love me and be as perfect a match for me. Distance was nothing compared to how I felt for him. Bottom line is, you need to spend a "trial time" together to see how you function in real life. I also recommend a vacation together because that showed me A LOT of sides of my ex that I didn't like nor did I want to have to see the rest of my life. You will know for sure when you've spent enough time together with him in situations that are important to you.
Els Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 We never know. That's the hardest part. It's the same with anything in life, I guess - even if you marry someone and move in together, you still never know if you'll divorce someday.
Rollercoasterr Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 We do it because we love each other. Sure, being in an LDR is hard and I miss him and he misses me, but life without each other would be worse. I have never felt so much love and happiness in any relationship as I feel with Mathew. He is my entire world and I will move mountains to be with him. Nothing else matters to me. I trust him 1000% and he trusts me 1000%. There has never been a day when I thought about straying from this relationship. Its not worth it, and no other man appeals to me. Of course I can't speak for Mathew on this, but his actions speak louder than any words he could say. He is an amazing man with a huge heart and nothing can shake our relationship. So yes, situation could be better, but we're almost at an end after 2 years of LDR. We do this because there is no other way for us, there is no one else for us.
Author marionthelibrarian Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 Thank you all for your responses. I'm really becoming dismayed over this whole thing. In the beginning it was just amazing getting together after almost 40 yrs! Our families were friends and we've all now caught up with each other, but we're obviously two grown people now who really don't know each other and who we've become. The issues that have come up, I've seen on here from reading through the threads. Texts, emails where you tend to misinterpret what is being said. Communication is our No. 1 priority, so when an issue arises, we talk about it. But it seems like once you think you've solved the problem, it crops up again. It's become a vicious circle and I feel like I'm on a constant rollercoaster. Being 50, I've gone through my share of drama and I have diligently worked to keep drama out of my life now. I'm divorced 10 yrs., have done the dating scene, which really helped me more in learning what I want, what I don't want and at this point in my life, I refuse to settle. When we met up again, it was amazing, and I thought, this is it finally! But now there's often times I just can't get a read on him. I'm flying to see him tomorrow for 5 days and we plan on talking more. It will be just he and I with no kids around, so I'm going to be paying particular attention to see how we gel on a daily basis. This just sucks at this time in my life to have to deal with a LDR to further complicate things.
Ecosse Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I can only attest for my LDR and what works for us... I have been dating my SO now for a year. We live 1000 mi from each other too. What has worked for us is we talk every day and we are active in each of our lives. She gives me advise on a lot as do I for her. We send little care packages and watch movies/TV together. Over the last year she cas come to visit me 3 times and I came to her twice. I had similar concerns about how things would be if we lived together. It was a big risk and you dont know someone till you live with them so last Dec we spent 4.5 weeks together ( I was working during this period of time too ). We thought it was a good test as I would have many of the same stressors for my job (Of which there are plenty believe me) and it really re-created what our lives would be like together (she was studying for her upcoming Nursing boards so stressed and busy too). Long story short. After that trip I knew for sure that we were meant for each other. So incredibly compatible We are now engaged and I am moving... Im not saying that that is always the case for LDRs and they are tough. I am saying that there are options to see. Also on a side note I was thinking about this... Since you are 50 and know yourselves so well I think that odds are high that you will be able to spot if you guys can make it work or not... and chances are better that you will stay together (if that is the case) as you will be less different as you age
Author marionthelibrarian Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 Ecosse, you have hit one nail on the head. And I do believe we have age and experience on our side. It would just be so much easier (obviously) if we lived closer. I'm not used to gauging one's feelings with just texts, emails and phone calls, and so little physical interaction. Hoping I'll get some answers this trip. Not that I need to know now though. I mean, I can't go anywhere just yet. My youngest is graduating high school. I've got 2 at home that I'm not about to say "go out and take care of yourselves now". Things aren't the same as they were when I left home. Plus I'd have to sell my home, find a job down there. Ugh. And be away from my parents, siblings, kids and grandkids. Sometimes it's just too overwhelming to think about.
kittie s. Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Why can't your significant other be the one to move? I"m sorry you're dealing with this. I think you should just try it out for a little while..you both are at a time in your life where you are available to each other...it's worth a shot! Your family and friends will continue being your family and friends and they should support your adventure to find love! Just do whatever it takes so you won't have any "what-ifs" eating away at your mind down the road.
Away Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 I can absolutely relate to your post. I'm almost 30, never been married and scared as hell to move following by boyfriend of 8 months because I would be leaving everything I've built for myself here. We were together for 4 months before he left, and everything was great... there were a few things about him I didn't like and we did have some issues but overall those 4 months were amazing. I can't help but think though, that everything was so great because we knew that he was leaving and "subconsciously" we were both on our best behavior. I don't know what a REAL life with him will be like... I hope your 5 days with your SO give you some insight and you guys get to really sit down and discuss things thoroughly.. best of luck!
Shucky Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 I can't help but think though, that everything was so great because we knew that he was leaving and "subconsciously" we were both on our best behavior. Hmmmm my girlfriend has raised the exact point about that...I've never understood but I guess its something other people think about... I am the same as many of the people above: If I dated a girl in England, I could move in together, get married, kids, grow old, die. Equally we could date, move in and then go our separate ways. It is all a risk, you've gotta be willing to take that risk and not be afraid. I sometimes get panicky that I'm going to move, a whole 11 hours flight away, then 3 years down the line have to come home alone and start again. But I just tell myself that its not worth worrying about that, as to think of how much I would regret not giving it a proper go just because of fear of being hurt. Christ, I guess we could never leave the house if we we're gripped by that sort of fear! I don't know, perhaps my youth is what keeps my overly optimistic, but I doubt it, don't let age be an excuse (though I understand its difficult with a family....)
Author marionthelibrarian Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 Well, I'm back and had a very wonderful time. We got along so well, enjoying every moment. I learned more being around him in his home and more about his personality. By the time I thought it was time to discuss things, it was going so well I didn't want to spoil it by talking about the future. Fact of the matter is that I can't go anywhere just yet, he has a number of issues to deal with too, so nothing is going to be decided now anyway. We did discuss that we're not going to worry and we're working on our insecurities so that we're not imagining that the other is feeling less because of misunderstood texts and emails. I don't know when we'll be seeing each other next but we did discuss a vacation to an island this summer. I have to say, though, that I've become more grounded as time has gone on, and especially after this trip. Not flighty and up in the clouds. Perhaps it's best this way in this situation because we don't know what the future holds, but I know that we get along fabulously. And I guess I'm just going to have to let time do its work. I gotta tell ya, it was awesome not having any kids around! lol!
Spygurl Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Hey Marion, That is neat you have found your childhood sweetheart. I have been dating my man LD for over a year now...we are about 15,000 miles apart (he is in australia). we met thru our denomination's dating website and we are going strong. It is VERY DIFFICULT. I am not quite 50 but not far behind. The best thing is not to overthink it and take it one day at a time! I get overwhelmed too when i project too far ahead. I think of it as a temporary situation. We are both very committed to being together someday. I am working on moving out there hopefully later this year. He is very mature and very supportive. He stays in touch and gives me as much of his time as I need. We use skype ALOT!!! It sounds like your relationship is progressing well. dealing with your issues...becoming more grounded etc. Remember that we are all broken people in some way, no one is perfect and no one can complete you or me. If both people have an active lifestyle and a good sense of self and identity, it can work. I congratulate you on the steps you have taken so far and wish you all the best as you watch your relationship bloom.
Spygurl Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 thanks for the reminder, Shucky. it is a risk, but one worth taking, otherwise, you're right...how will we ever know if we don't try?
Spygurl Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 good point, Betty. i am currently dating a guy in Australia. I have only visited him once so far, in a year. We got on well and are very compatible. I hope to move there for a trial period of one year (rent my home here in the US) and date in "real life" and give it a go. I appreciated hearing about your experience.
Author marionthelibrarian Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Hey Marion, That is neat you have found your childhood sweetheart. I have been dating my man LD for over a year now...we are about 15,000 miles apart (he is in australia). we met thru our denomination's dating website and we are going strong. It is VERY DIFFICULT. I am not quite 50 but not far behind. The best thing is not to overthink it and take it one day at a time! I get overwhelmed too when i project too far ahead. I think of it as a temporary situation. We are both very committed to being together someday. I am working on moving out there hopefully later this year. He is very mature and very supportive. He stays in touch and gives me as much of his time as I need. We use skype ALOT!!! It sounds like your relationship is progressing well. dealing with your issues...becoming more grounded etc. Remember that we are all broken people in some way, no one is perfect and no one can complete you or me. If both people have an active lifestyle and a good sense of self and identity, it can work. I congratulate you on the steps you have taken so far and wish you all the best as you watch your relationship bloom. Thanks Spygurl. At this stage of the game, grounding myself has been the most important growth for myself. In the beginning, all I could do was try and figure out a way for us to be together as soon as humanly possible. I pushed away the real facts: 1. We really need to get to know each other first to even see if we are really want to be together; 2. Realize that the beginnings of this relationship was like starcrossed lovers. I needed to come down from the clouds to think clearly; 3. Accept that there are responsibilities that have to come first; and most importantly 4. Live the life I have now, continue with my activities, love and enjoy the time with those I am with now... (my children and family), because I will never get these moments back. Personally, hitting the age of 50 and not being settled took a toll on my psychie. He is going through much more than me emotionally, but he has still been more grounded than me throughout this whole time. And I have been the one who is frustrated because I lacked patience. I'm not going to say that I don't get that way anymore, but I'm trying. I've had my reality check... which might be worth another subject thread for discussion.
Citizen Erased Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I do it because he's perfect and the time I've now spent with him have made me realise there is what I always wanted and needed, even if he is so far away. I'll take all the negatives because the positives make them almost non existent.
Pyro Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Definitely the hardest and most difficult thing that I have ever gotten myself into. I never thought in a million years that I would be doing this due to the degree of difficulty but when you are involved with the right person then the difficulty is nothing and it is totally and completely worth it.
Author marionthelibrarian Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 This really sucks. I'm already getting impatient with him and angry. I got back from being with him on Tuesday, talked to him Tues. night and there's been virtually no communication since. I've texted him a couple times, he doesn't always respond. I've emailed him. No response. I called twice, last night even leaving a message, and nothing. Nothing today, nothing tonight. I know he checks his caller ID and voicemails faithfully. I'm pretty much always the one who is initiating. I feel like a freakin' teenager! I'm 50 yrs old. And yeah, I keep saying that, but this is ridiculous that I'm going through this with another 50 yr old. What I hate is that if we have a situation, then we talk about it and resolve it, it virtually always goes back to the way it was. I also don't care for the fact that in my email, I told him something I'm rather upset about regarding my baby grandson's health. I thought maybe I'd get a call inquiring about it or a little emotional support!! I'm putting all of this under my list of "red flags for the future". And it really takes nothing to make me happy. Responses to my texts. A phone call once in awhile. Certainly not ignoring texts and phone calls! Ugh! I really do not need this emotional crap. I strive for no drama. Am I being overly sensitive here? I really feel I can handle this distance thing with the deadline I have given myself. But not like this. So do YOU talk to your SO every time something bothers you or just once in awhile?
aerogurl87 Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 This really sucks. I'm already getting impatient with him and angry. I got back from being with him on Tuesday, talked to him Tues. night and there's been virtually no communication since. I've texted him a couple times, he doesn't always respond. I've emailed him. No response. I called twice, last night even leaving a message, and nothing. Nothing today, nothing tonight. I know he checks his caller ID and voicemails faithfully. I'm pretty much always the one who is initiating. I feel like a freakin' teenager! I'm 50 yrs old. And yeah, I keep saying that, but this is ridiculous that I'm going through this with another 50 yr old. What I hate is that if we have a situation, then we talk about it and resolve it, it virtually always goes back to the way it was. I also don't care for the fact that in my email, I told him something I'm rather upset about regarding my baby grandson's health. I thought maybe I'd get a call inquiring about it or a little emotional support!! I'm putting all of this under my list of "red flags for the future". And it really takes nothing to make me happy. Responses to my texts. A phone call once in awhile. Certainly not ignoring texts and phone calls! Ugh! I really do not need this emotional crap. I strive for no drama. Am I being overly sensitive here? I really feel I can handle this distance thing with the deadline I have given myself. But not like this. So do YOU talk to your SO every time something bothers you or just once in awhile? Yeah this definitely sounds like a red flag to me. I always talk to my boyfriend when something is bothering me about our relationship or if it's something big bothering me about my life in general. Like the fact that my city just got hit by 3 tornadoes tonight. If my boyfriend wouldn't have wanted to talk to me about that, I'd definitely take that to be a big red flag and I'd be ready to take our relationship to the chopping block. I don't think you're being over sensitive because in a LDR communication is basically all you have and if he isn't at least half initiating it then that makes it look like he doesn't care.
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