BlueeyedJonesy Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 I would like to hear from people who have experienced this from any angle..and what was the end result?
White Flower Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 H had an EA (no evidence of PA but who knows?) and I subsequently had a full blown PA. End result? Happily divorced (it should and would have happened anyway) and still involved with MM. I did see it as a revenge affair in the beginning but do not now. I think I tried to justify what I was doing such as in an exit affair, sort of, but ended up really in love with MM so the affair for me is more than just for exiting purposes.
LakesideDream Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Love and revenge are opposite emotions. It wouldn't be worth the effort to me. Revenge is a way to hurt someone. It wasn't, isn't never will be worth the effort to me.
ladydesigner Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 I had a revenge A that ended up in me falling for my XAP. My XAP broke my heart, so now I was broken from becoming a BS and now broken from my XAP. Double Wammie!!! I guess I deserved the latter as I had no business having an A in the first place. Revenge is never an answer as much as I thought I would get gratification out of it, I received even more heartbreak, vulnerability, loss of self-esteem, loss of self, and finally loss of integrity.
Trimmer Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Here's a long but interesting read along those lines, Lorenzo76's classic thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t164208/
datura_noir Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I kissed a guy I knew while my husband was away placating his OW after DDay. I felt bad that I used him for my own sick revenge, but he was so drunk he didn't even remember the incident....so I was the one left feeling empty. Not worth it any way you slice it.
Brokenlady Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 you might also want to do a search on poster named aeh. She had a ONS revenge affair soon after d-day that caused a real mess.
2.50 a gallon Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Repeat of my story My XW was fold out material. I gave up my player days and we moved a thousand miles away. I had a don't mess rep in my hometown. I don't get mad I get even. Once we moved into our new town, my marriage was attacked by three of her fellow male co-workers and our next door neighbor, who was also married and was also the apartment manager. I caught her kissing a guard over the lunch hour. And told her through the fence to not come home that night, that our marriage was over. That weekend, the neighbor threw a Bar-B-Q, while his wife was away, for the XW, the guard, and the 2 male co-workers, in an attempt to rub my face in it. She got drunk and did a strip tease for them, leaving behind one of her undies. The neighbors wife found the undies and you know what hit the fan. The end result, had me having sex with his wife several times and him having to listen through the adjoining bedroom wall. The day after I moved out, she served him with D-papers, moved her stuff into storage, and lived with me for a week before finding her own place. The revenge affair was great for both of us. It was just sex. For me it got me out of the black hole of despair, and restored my manhood. For the neighbors wife, pretty much the same thing, I was only her second partner, and she found out that sex could be great. We stayed close friends for several years, and I attended her second wedding. Before I moved out, the XW had a change of heart when she figured out that I was having sex with another, and began a quest to win me back. For the next 3-4 years, I got B-Day, V-Day and Xmas cards from her, extolling her undying love for us and that we should try again. She finally gave up and divorced me. My second target was the wife of one of her co-workers, which resulted in their marriage breakup and him paying through the nose for their 4 kids and her alimony. As to the second OM from work, the XW and he got caught lieing about having lunch together, which ended that marriage. He was much older and interested in her, she was not, but it was a free meal. The end result was four divorces. Getting divorced was the second best thing that every happened to me.
Samantha0905 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 H had an EA (no evidence of PA but who knows?) and I subsequently had a full blown PA. End result? Happily divorced (it should and would have happened anyway) and still involved with MM. I did see it as a revenge affair in the beginning but do not now. I think I tried to justify what I was doing such as in an exit affair, sort of, but ended up really in love with MM so the affair for me is more than just for exiting purposes. I'm glad something good came out of it all for you. I had a revenge A that ended up in me falling for my XAP. My XAP broke my heart, so now I was broken from becoming a BS and now broken from my XAP. Double Wammie!!! I guess I deserved the latter as I had no business having an A in the first place. Revenge is never an answer as much as I thought I would get gratification out of it, I received even more heartbreak, vulnerability, loss of self-esteem, loss of self, and finally loss of integrity. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve anything and stop talking to yourself like that. I hope you find happiness. Find your self and your esteem and I can tell by your posts you have integrity.
Author BlueeyedJonesy Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 Repeat of my story My XW was fold out material. I gave up my player days and we moved a thousand miles away. I had a don't mess rep in my hometown. I don't get mad I get even. Once we moved into our new town, my marriage was attacked by three of her fellow male co-workers and our next door neighbor, who was also married and was also the apartment manager. I caught her kissing a guard over the lunch hour. And told her through the fence to not come home that night, that our marriage was over. That weekend, the neighbor threw a Bar-B-Q, while his wife was away, for the XW, the guard, and the 2 male co-workers, in an attempt to rub my face in it. She got drunk and did a strip tease for them, leaving behind one of her undies. The neighbors wife found the undies and you know what hit the fan. The end result, had me having sex with his wife several times and him having to listen through the adjoining bedroom wall. The day after I moved out, she served him with D-papers, moved her stuff into storage, and lived with me for a week before finding her own place. The revenge affair was great for both of us. It was just sex. For me it got me out of the black hole of despair, and restored my manhood. For the neighbors wife, pretty much the same thing, I was only her second partner, and she found out that sex could be great. We stayed close friends for several years, and I attended her second wedding. Before I moved out, the XW had a change of heart when she figured out that I was having sex with another, and began a quest to win me back. For the next 3-4 years, I got B-Day, V-Day and Xmas cards from her, extolling her undying love for us and that we should try again. She finally gave up and divorced me. My second target was the wife of one of her co-workers, which resulted in their marriage breakup and him paying through the nose for their 4 kids and her alimony. As to the second OM from work, the XW and he got caught lieing about having lunch together, which ended that marriage. He was much older and interested in her, she was not, but it was a free meal. The end result was four divorces. Getting divorced was the second best thing that every happened to me. Wow, it sounds like alot of people got hurt. Sorry you went through all of that but it sounds like you are better off.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I'd never revenge cheat, much less cheat at all. Whats the point? To show the so-called significant other that I can be just as low as they are?
on1wheel Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Never...2 wrongs don't make the pain go away. I caught my W in an A & while I was finding a new place to live, hiring a lawyer etc I had arranged a revenge A with an ex that always wanted me back. But right b4 I was gonna do it I realized it would only make me like her. Someone that broke their vows & had no morals. So now I can look myself in the mirror & smile proudly @ who I am. How many cheaters can say the same???
Author BlueeyedJonesy Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 Lorenzo's story is so depressing. My neighbor and her H were togehter after their lovers had an A and got married..lasted 10 years, then he left her for a 19 yr old...so yea it does happen. I've always fantasized about it..does that make me a bad person? Well I got the chance..here recently one night after work (I bartend) and it was just him and I. I knew why he was still there. He is a friend of mine but still I got all weird and told him I couldnt set the alarm with him still there (lie) and when he left I cried...I know it sounds lame but I don't think I could do that to my H no matter what he did..I think some of us are hard wired differently and just don't cheat.
Trimmer Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Wow, it sounds like alot of people got hurt. Sorry you went through all of that but it sounds like you are better off. Hmmm - "better off" is certainly a broad term.... While I can understand the motivation behind the "scorched earth" option, I can't help wondering if one actually ends up "better off," or if you don't end up burning up something else, in addition to your primary targets. Your mileage may vary, but it wouldn't work for me. I've always fantasized about it..does that make me a bad person? Based upon the following, I certainly don't think so: Well I got the chance..here recently one night after work (I bartend) and it was just him and I. I knew why he was still there. He is a friend of mine but still I got all weird and told him I couldnt set the alarm with him still there (lie) and when he left I cried...I know it sounds lame but I don't think I could do that to my H no matter what he did.. That's because, in spite of what your husband did, you still made choices and acted based upon who you are, not on what someone else did. It doesn't sound lame in the least. I admire it, and I strive to live up to that standard myself.
carhill Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Love and revenge are opposite emotions. It wouldn't be worth the effort to me. Revenge is a way to hurt someone. It wasn't, isn't never will be worth the effort to me. Yes, having been the object of a couple revenge affairs (as an OM), I would agree. There are no winners, rather just degrees of losing.
Adrift Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I had a revenge A that ended up in me falling for my XAP. My XAP broke my heart, so now I was broken from becoming a BS and now broken from my XAP. Double Wammie!!! I guess I deserved the latter as I had no business having an A in the first place. Revenge is never an answer as much as I thought I would get gratification out of it, I received even more heartbreak, vulnerability, loss of self-esteem, loss of self, and finally loss of integrity. This pretty much sums up my situation too. My husband did something to hurt me (he did not have an affair) and my self-esteem suffered. I wanted to get back at him and hurt him, so I met someone and started an affair. I'm hopelessly in love with the guy and he hurts me over and over, so yeah, I thought I was getting revenge, but I really only ended up hurting myself.
threebyfate Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 While I can relate to wanting and taking revenge, revenge cheating makes zero sense to me, unless you're self-destructive.
2sure Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 A revenge affair? To me, something like that would have made me feel as though I was willing to treat myself as crappy as my H did. You cannot maintain grace & dignity while behaving like trash. Oh, and I lost it I'll tell you - screaming, breaking things, the whole nine yards, I wanted to punish him.....but A revenge affair? Ultimately, that would have felt like acknowledging I wasnt personally worth much.
ladydesigner Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 While I can relate to wanting and taking revenge, revenge cheating makes zero sense to me, unless you're self-destructive. I used to be self-destructive, I guess my revenge cheat was as well. I own it. Wish I could take it back now that's for sure. I also think a lot of my past (childhood abuse) didn't help, but it is no excuse and I am not using it as one. I think my past helps me understand why I would choose a path of self-destruction. It doesn't mean I can't change though. I am hopeful. A revenge affair? To me, something like that would have made me feel as though I was willing to treat myself as crappy as my H did. You cannot maintain grace & dignity while behaving like trash. Oh, and I lost it I'll tell you - screaming, breaking things, the whole nine yards, I wanted to punish him.....but A revenge affair? Ultimately, that would have felt like acknowledging I wasnt personally worth much. I did and it felt crappy, still does Your words are so true.
Snowflower Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I used to be self-destructive, I guess my revenge cheat was as well. I own it. Wish I could take it back now that's for sure. I also think a lot of my past (childhood abuse) didn't help, but it is no excuse and I am not using it as one. I think my past helps me understand why I would choose a path of self-destruction. It doesn't mean I can't change though. I am hopeful. I did and it felt crappy, still does Your words are so true. ladydesigner, has your H ever expressed true remorse for his A? I can't remember...did he confess or did you find out the hard way? Did you do MC at some point after his affair was exposed? If you explained this before, sorry! I just feel sad for you because you seem to have really beaten yourself up for your RA. Have you ever thought about confessing your affair to your H and trying to explain your reasons (not excuses) for deciding to become involved in a RA? IDK, perhaps confessing your A would be the starting point to actually help restore intimacy to your marriage and in turn help you and your H begin to heal. All the cards would be on the table, so to speak, and you could both begin to heal. It just seems from your posts that there are a lot of unspoken feelings between you and your H. I would be willing to bet that some type of MC/IC will also be needed for both of you but maybe it would move things forward. I'm not trying to berate you into confessing--I think you can only be hit over the head with it here on LS so many times. It's a suggestion and a decision that only you can make. Take care of yourself.
ladydesigner Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 ladydesigner, has your H ever expressed true remorse for his A? I can't remember...did he confess or did you find out the hard way? Did you do MC at some point after his affair was exposed? If you explained this before, sorry! I just feel sad for you because you seem to have really beaten yourself up for your RA. Have you ever thought about confessing your affair to your H and trying to explain your reasons (not excuses) for deciding to become involved in a RA? IDK, perhaps confessing your A would be the starting point to actually help restore intimacy to your marriage and in turn help you and your H begin to heal. All the cards would be on the table, so to speak, and you could both begin to heal. It just seems from your posts that there are a lot of unspoken feelings between you and your H. I would be willing to bet that some type of MC/IC will also be needed for both of you but maybe it would move things forward. I'm not trying to berate you into confessing--I think you can only be hit over the head with it here on LS so many times. It's a suggestion and a decision that only you can make. Take care of yourself. My H got caught cheating that I discovered and then also stuff that he will neither admit to or not admit to. There are many other things that have happened as far as proof that he doesn't fess up to truthfully which is the main reason why I have not disclosed my A. I don't feel like he even deserves to know the truth. Lately my anger towards him has diminished and I have forgiven him in my own way. We both really want our M to work both for us and our kids. I know I do not want to be with anyone else. I know the right thing to do is to both come clean and I really wish it would be as simple as that. We definitely need both IC/and MC. I will be looking into that soon. I am also dealing with my child's behavioral issue so that has sort of taken over at the moment. I agree with the bolded part 100% Yes you are right I am hit over the head about confessing:laugh: I am just not there yet. I feel one day I will. I am not sure what I am really afraid of. I am not fearing D. I guess I realize I stooped to my H's level and I don't want him to see me that way (it sounds very selfish I know). I really truly wish I did not have my RA. I was not in a healthy state of mind during that time.
GorillaTheater Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 The only way I see myself having a revenge affair is if it was with the hypothetical OM's wife. I could so see myself doing a Lorenzo.
White Flower Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 The only way I see myself having a revenge affair is if it was with the hypothetical OM's wife. I could so see myself doing a Lorenzo. I have a friend whose H cheated on her. The BH on the other side knocked on my friend's door and said, 'I think my W is sleeping with your H. Wanna get them back?' She slammed the door in his face. A few weeks later, after her H moved into an apartment with the OW my friend called up the BH. They slept together for a few weeks and let both CS in on it. The CS BOTH felt wronged and jealous and left each other and went back home. Both couples now live happily ever after.
2.50 a gallon Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 For me the instant my XW stepped over the line and broke her vows, the marriage was over and my vows to her were no longer viable. I also noticed that when she realized that I too had a GF, she wanted me back. For the first couple of months it was crazy time, I hated answering the phone, she showed up at my work place, she ran into me when I was grocery shopping, at my favorite hobby shop, always dressed to kill, when I changed jobs she put in an appearance there. Also I just remembered in order to get her to back off, I agreed to a single session with a MC. Where I had to listen once more to the "I'm sorrys" et al. And even after that I got a Xmas gift, a B-day gift, and holiday cards for the next couple of years. Those were hard to take, as I really did love her, and none of my GF's came even close
White Flower Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 For me the instant my XW stepped over the line and broke her vows, the marriage was over and my vows to her were no longer viable. I also noticed that when she realized that I too had a GF, she wanted me back. For the first couple of months it was crazy time, I hated answering the phone, she showed up at my work place, she ran into me when I was grocery shopping, at my favorite hobby shop, always dressed to kill, when I changed jobs she put in an appearance there. Also I just remembered in order to get her to back off, I agreed to a single session with a MC. Where I had to listen once more to the "I'm sorrys" et al. And even after that I got a Xmas gift, a B-day gift, and holiday cards for the next couple of years. Those were hard to take, as I really did love her, and none of my GF's came even close It sounds as though there is room for R if she is truly sorry and you still love her. What do you think?
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