IM5150 Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 I'm getting very frustrated to the point I don't know what to do! 2 years ago everything was great, we were having sex like 2-3 times a day, sometimes 5. I knew that she liked sex and wasn't sure if I'd be able to keep up with her. Fast forward 2 years and sex has gone down to like twice a month. She still loves to kiss and hug and snuggle in bed but I cant get her to have sex and now I just don't even try. When I asked her about it, she says that she's going through some stressful times, she's a bartender and she works way too much. When she's of work all she wants to do is sleep. I can't even plan an afternoon walk with her, she sleeps through everything. She also said she's not sure why shes not feeling that intimacy with me right now. Last time we had sex was like 3 weeks ago and she was drunk and doesn't remember it. She says that she has a problem with that too. I'm wondering if she's had an issue with sex in the past or if she was raped or molested as a child. she's had a hard upbringing and it wouldnt surprise me if she told me something like that. My girlfriend is very beautiful, she's a model with a beautiful face and perfect body, when she walks around the house naked in front of me I get so frustrated that I can't just pull her close and make love to her. I don't know what else to do. I need help!
desertmoon Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 I'm getting very frustrated to the point I don't know what to do! 2 years ago everything was great, we were having sex like 2-3 times a day, sometimes 5. I knew that she liked sex and wasn't sure if I'd be able to keep up with her. Fast forward 2 years and sex has gone down to like twice a month. She still loves to kiss and hug and snuggle in bed but I cant get her to have sex and now I just don't even try. When I asked her about it, she says that she's going through some stressful times, she's a bartender and she works way too much. When she's of work all she wants to do is sleep. I can't even plan an afternoon walk with her, she sleeps through everything. She also said she's not sure why shes not feeling that intimacy with me right now. Last time we had sex was like 3 weeks ago and she was drunk and doesn't remember it. She says that she has a problem with that too. I'm wondering if she's had an issue with sex in the past or if she was raped or molested as a child. she's had a hard upbringing and it wouldnt surprise me if she told me something like that. My girlfriend is very beautiful, she's a model with a beautiful face and perfect body, when she walks around the house naked in front of me I get so frustrated that I can't just pull her close and make love to her. I don't know what else to do. I need help! What do you know about her childhood? Oh, and how old are you guys?
Silver_star Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 I'm getting very frustrated to the point I don't know what to do! 2 years ago everything was great, we were having sex like 2-3 times a day, sometimes 5. I knew that she liked sex and wasn't sure if I'd be able to keep up with her. Fast forward 2 years and sex has gone down to like twice a month. She still loves to kiss and hug and snuggle in bed but I cant get her to have sex and now I just don't even try. When I asked her about it, she says that she's going through some stressful times, she's a bartender and she works way too much. When she's of work all she wants to do is sleep. I can't even plan an afternoon walk with her, she sleeps through everything. She also said she's not sure why shes not feeling that intimacy with me right now. Last time we had sex was like 3 weeks ago and she was drunk and doesn't remember it. She says that she has a problem with that too. I'm wondering if she's had an issue with sex in the past or if she was raped or molested as a child. she's had a hard upbringing and it wouldnt surprise me if she told me something like that. My girlfriend is very beautiful, she's a model with a beautiful face and perfect body, when she walks around the house naked in front of me I get so frustrated that I can't just pull her close and make love to her. I don't know what else to do. I need help! Okay now that i have read your other thread I get a better idea. I think its time to address this issue with her face to face. Tell her that you love her and that you want to express it physically. Sex does bring people closer in relationships and keeps them in sync. She may be tired...and maybe her libido is suffering and that could be physiological so she could change birthcontrol or something...thats just an idea. But step one...talk to her about it.
DustySaltus Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Sorry about your situation. I would think that after two years you would know a lot about her upbringing and her psyche in general. How about planning a little romantic weekend getaway in a few weeks? If she makes some sort of excuse to that idea I think there may be other things going as well. When did the sex really start to slow down? Did it coincide with her working more?
boogieboy Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Is she on any medication that might be slowing down her libido? Now that you dont even try to have sex with her, and youve already talked to her about this, you need to start over with this relationship. Put on the charm, make her laugh, if you can, take her out once in a while, and dont even worry about sex. If she doesnt flirt back with you, then youre in trouble because she lost her attraction to you. You might have to start getting your own life back. Go hang out with your friends, let her miss you. If she comes home from a long day and she already knows that you will be there hoping for sex, that will be a turn off. So if she comes home, dont be there. She has to miss you at some point, and you have to become attractive to her again, but its hard to do once she gave up on you. You might be at the beginning of the end, and she might break it off if she lost interest in you. So you cant chase after her, you have to go the other way. Otherwise you will push her further from you.
Author IM5150 Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 What do you know about her childhood? Oh, and how old are you guys? Her parents are separated. I'm 38 and she's 27. She has anger issues, we fight alot. We lived together for over a year, she's moved out but we are at eachothers house everyday. We stay together all the time, like we can't be apart. I feel like this is an addictive rleationship. When I'm with her I feel like I need time to mylsef, and when I'm by myself I miss her and can't wait to be back with her again. Even after 3 years of a relationship, I still think about her 24/7.
Author IM5150 Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 Sorry about your situation. I would think that after two years you would know a lot about her upbringing and her psyche in general. How about planning a little romantic weekend getaway in a few weeks? If she makes some sort of excuse to that idea I think there may be other things going as well. When did the sex really start to slow down? Did it coincide with her working more? It started slowing down about 6 months ago. And yes, it does coincide with work. She is a bartender and she also has an issue with drinking. I've thought about probably another man in the picture or maybe she has cheated on me but I find that hard because when she's not working we are always together. I would love a romantic getaway but I hesitate because the thought of spending all that money and not getting any!
Author IM5150 Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 Is she on any medication that might be slowing down her libido? No meds. Now that you dont even try to have sex with her, and youve already talked to her about this, you need to start over with this relationship. Put on the charm, make her laugh, if you can, take her out once in a while, and dont even worry about sex. If she doesnt flirt back with you, then youre in trouble because she lost her attraction to you. You might have to start getting your own life back. Go hang out with your friends, let her miss you. If she comes home from a long day and she already knows that you will be there hoping for sex, that will be a turn off. So if she comes home, dont be there. She has to miss you at some point, and you have to become attractive to her again, but its hard to do once she gave up on you. You might be at the beginning of the end, and she might break it off if she lost interest in you. So you cant chase after her, you have to go the other way. Otherwise you will push her further from you. No meds. She's always very flirty and touchy with me. She kisses me alot! She always wants to snuggle and spoon in bed and she loves it when I massage her and scratch her back as she falls asleep. You make a very interesting point here. I do feel that I don't have my own life in check and that I''m at her beck and call when ever she needs me. She knows that I'm at her doorstep at the drop of a hat. I'm always available to her and I think this turns her off. When I'm not around and she calls me, if I don't answer the phone she ends up calling every 10 minutes until I do. The other day I was busy and didn't get to my phone for a couple of hours and she called 4 times, left a voicemail and a text saying she was "Having a really hard time". I can't be gone for too long without her not chasing me down but my problem is that when she comes calling, I always drop what I'm doing to be there for her.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 In my past long term relationships and my past marriage, the sex dwindled as the familiarity with each other rose. We would get to the point where there was no mystery about each other anymore: we would share a bathroom, we weren't concerned about body functions/smells around each other (farting, feet, body odor, etc), were casually naked/dressed in front of each other (presenting nakedness in a non-sexual context), we knew each other inside and out, and there wasn't the urge to 'fix up' for each other anymore: basically we would become roommates/best buddies and would be so close that the spark that drives sex just died. I honestly do think that there is a such thing as being TOO intimate, and when you reach that level the sex plummets. I would use 'work' and 'stress' as excuses. It was a lot easier to blame it on that than being truthful and saying 'the attraction/spark is dead'. The guy I'm with now? Not repeating any mistakes I made about becoming 'buddies/roommates' and I can be dead stupid tired and under a ton of stress and when I lay next to him, I will still want him. Now, another option might be a 'bait and switch' type: where your partner is indifferent to sex in general and will give you really hot sex in the beginning and will cut it off or dampen it down to nearly nothing once the deal is sealed and she knows you aren't going anywhere. I should probably add as well, that when I was cheating or thinking about it in my past relationships, the sex would dwindle. I wanted that mystery, excitement, etc. and when it was within sight, I'd let the sex go to nearly nothing because nothing is worse than having a craving for something and you have something in front of you that won't satisfy that craving. Hate to throw cheating in there, but that can also be a cause. Sleeping a lot could come with the ennui toward your relationship/sexuality in general - sparking a bit of depression.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 (edited) Ohhh.... wait, I remember this. This is the aspiring model who is a fetishist/dancer and you were one of her 'regulars' and the photographer that she was hoping would give her a break into the business? If she is bartending now, did her career as a model not work out? Do you think she might be resentful toward you for not being where she wanted to be two years ago? Resentment is a huge sex killer. **edited to add** I just went back and reviewed all of the past threads about this situation. IM, if you don't have a plan in place of what to do when this ends, you will want to think seriously about it. The questions you are asking yourself now about the sex are likely the same questions that the man she was cheating on with you was asking himself as well. I think you want to see the best in this girl, and that you want to save her from herself but I don't see anything except a pattern that seems to repeat in her life. She looks for the knight in shining armor to save her, without doing anything to save herself. Until she is ready to face some very real and very serious digging into her own psyche and her past, your relationship with her is doomed. Edited March 15, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia
Author IM5150 Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 Ohhh.... wait, I remember this. This is the aspiring model who is a fetishist/dancer and you were one of her 'regulars' and the photographer that she was hoping would give her a break into the business? If she is bartending now, did her career as a model not work out? Do you think she might be resentful toward you for not being where she wanted to be two years ago? Resentment is a huge sex killer. **edited to add** I just went back and reviewed all of the past threads about this situation. IM, if you don't have a plan in place of what to do when this ends, you will want to think seriously about it. The questions you are asking yourself now about the sex are likely the same questions that the man she was cheating on with you was asking himself as well. I think you want to see the best in this girl, and that you want to save her from herself but I don't see anything except a pattern that seems to repeat in her life. She looks for the knight in shining armor to save her, without doing anything to save herself. Until she is ready to face some very real and very serious digging into her own psyche and her past, your relationship with her is doomed. Great memory! Yuup that me. She still models but its hard work and the money isn't steady so she also bartends.. I've given her all and more. I didn't think myself that we would last going on almost 3 years now. It sure is rocky though.. Like I said, I think we have an addictive relationship where we both know in the end it's not going to work between us but we continue to be together. If only our relationship was happy and simple but it's not.
mem11363 Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 sorry that is how it works. If you actually stood up for yourself you wouldn't allow someone to keep you in a constant state of sexual frustration. She has a need and you hop - you have a need and she yawns and goes to sleep. If you act like a doormat you can't really be surprised when people wipe their shoes on you. Great memory! Yuup that me. She still models but its hard work and the money isn't steady so she also bartends.. I've given her all and more. I didn't think myself that we would last going on almost 3 years now. It sure is rocky though.. Like I said, I think we have an addictive relationship where we both know in the end it's not going to work between us but we continue to be together. If only our relationship was happy and simple but it's not.
adamt Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 you need to sit down and talk to her about it. if you dont your relationship will not last. going on my experience, once the sex virtually stops then it means she is emotionally detaching from you. its difficult to recovrr the situation. maybe the spark for her is going out.eventually you will give up trying to initiate sex and sick of getting knocked back. you will then start to grow apart. how are other things in the relationship? is she spending less time with you, is she going out with friends more.
Author IM5150 Posted March 19, 2010 Author Posted March 19, 2010 you need to sit down and talk to her about it. if you dont your relationship will not last. going on my experience, once the sex virtually stops then it means she is emotionally detaching from you. its difficult to recovrr the situation. maybe the spark for her is going out.eventually you will give up trying to initiate sex and sick of getting knocked back. you will then start to grow apart. how are other things in the relationship? is she spending less time with you, is she going out with friends more. No, she wants to spend most of her time with me and she is very affectionate with me. This is what I don't understand. We had a talk tonight and she tells me that she is so sorry and confused as to why she is not feeling sexual. I asked if it was just with me and she said no, she's not feeling sexual at all, even with other men or even herself. She doesn't even want to masturbate. She says she's at a confusing point in het life and she's not sure why this is happening. She loves me very very much. I told her that I'm trying to understand her situation but that's it's very frustrating for me to see my beautiful woman standing before me and me not being able to have her. I told het that sooner or later something is going to have to give. I want to wait and see what happens but I don't know how much longer I can wait for her to figure herself out.
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