paddington bear Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 and I'm feeling really guilty. Met him on internet, few dates. But always he would text me at the last minute asking if I had time now, when I would say no, but in a few hours or the next day, he would say he had something on and couldn't make it. He seemed to learn from this and began to at least give me warning - but would never organise actual dates, always wanted to call over to my place or me to his, which I didn't like. He then left something behind in my house and I contacted him to let him know and got a text saying to drop it into his postbox. Now...I thought, he really should have come and collected it himself since he left it behind. I thought, if he really liked me he would be delighted of the excuse that we should meet for a handover, I would have thought if I was going to be kind enough to drop it in, that he would at least say, ring my bell and if I'm home, pay me a visit. But no. Just drop it into my postbox. Which I duly did, but was a bit iffy about to be honest. Then there was the fact that I never saw him on weekends and he was quite secretive about what he was doing. I had the feeling like there was other girls on the go, and I was the Wednesday girl, that someone more important got the weekends....could be wrong, but it seemed kind of suspect to me. Last time I saw him we had a nice time together and so, for the first time, I initiated some kind of date and I invited him for dinner. He said that would be nice. I said to get in touch about what day would suit. And then heard nothing for a week and a half from him. Had written him off at that point. Then a text after 10 days asking if I wanted to see him the next day at his place. Didn't reply. Then another text, then he called. All unanswered by me. Finally I got an email asking did he do something wrong. So I finally replied and said it seemed like he was only looking for something casual, which would be fine if that's what I wanted to, but that I didn't and I'd assumed that he had lost interest after not hearing from him for such a long time, and that I thought it would be better if he looked for another woman. Problem is, he didn't accept this (well attempt at) kindly dumping him. Another email saying that he had done all the calling, he'd asked to see me lots of times and could I please give our relationship another chance. And was it that I'd met another man? Now I feel guilty. Guilty. Guilty. I don't want to see this guy any more and I was trying to end it in a firm, but kind way. Now it seems he's annoyed with me for not contacting him, saying he was the only one who did and that he thought it was funny that I not once got in touch with him. But then, I'm the one who had to run around and drop in his lost possessions, I'm the one who never got a normal date, even if that was just a walk by the river or whatever, I'm the one who got contacted at the last minute always by text and when I couldn't drop everything to see him, was told that he didn't have time later and I'm the one who invited him for dinner and heard nothing for well over a week in response to that. Sorry for the long rant. The question is...do I respond to this last email saying 'no, I don't want to give this another chance' and defending myself for not contacting him. Or do I just leave it and let actions speak louder than words?
Crazy Magnet Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 It sounds like a lot of effort and added drama to continue the conversation. I personally would not contact him anymore if he was not a good fit for me and I wasn't feeling a connection anymore. Does part of you want to try it again? Or are you really done? If you do actually want to try again, schedule a sit down face to face meeting. If not, don't feel bad about walking away. My view is this guy had his chance to play his best cards and show you what he had to offer and it was on him to do that, not you. Don't feel guilty! I'd be way weirded out by having to drop his things off!
Author paddington bear Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 I guess if he had got back to me after the dinner conversation I would have wanted to carry on, but the no response kind of put the nail in the coffin and the shutters went down and I thought of all the reasons that I didn't want to see him again. And those reasons have stuck. I agree, he didn't really put his best foot forward from the offset, so it's a bit late now. It just sucks to feel like I'm such a mean person or something by not replying. But I feel like there's no point, and at the same time, it feels rude not to reply, but then...it's going nowhere.
Crazy Magnet Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Maybe he's one of those boys who thrives on drama?!?
boogieboy Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 You probably feel guilty because you didnt establish your boundaries. Thats your fault, not his. You didnt communicate when you should have that last minute dates arent what you want. You let him do what he wanted on his time, and then you decided that the way it was going wasnt good enough for you all of a sudden by trying to ignore him. Thats the way it seems to him. You even took his shyt to his house? Whats that about? Next time, next guy, if he calls you for a get together last minute, tell him straight up thats not the way you like to make your first dates, and schedule something in advance. Whoever doesnt agree to that, you then know he just wants something casual, and you bail on him early.
Author paddington bear Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 yup lack of boundaries were not set for sure. That is my fault.
desertmoon Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Sorry for the long rant. The question is...do I respond to this last email saying 'no, I don't want to give this another chance' and defending myself for not contacting him. Or do I just leave it and let actions speak louder than words? Yes, respond to it...but make it short and to the point (just like what you said above). I would not bother defending myself, what would that be for? So he would understand? I am pretty he knows why.
crosswordfiend Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 To get rid of your guilt in this case you can just acknowledge receipt of his message with no further details.
OnlyJake Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Since I always have to be right, I would respond to his message telling him why I'm right and he's wrong. But, that's probably terrible advice
Author paddington bear Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 Since I always have to be right, I would respond to his message telling him why I'm right and he's wrong. But, that's probably terrible advice That is terrible advice. But I am SO tempted. "But you did this and didn't do that" blah blah. At the end of the day, Boogieboy is right. I didn't set boundaries and now he's wondering why I'm suddenly pissed off, because I never said anything up until now. Being honest, I don't want to reply. I mean what do I say if I do? "Sorry you feel that way, but I still don't think we should see each other any more. It's too late now, you've blown it with your shoddy attitude towards me and your last minute texts". Being a coward, I'm thinking of just letting it be, unless he wants me to really hurt him even further, by drumming it into him for a second time that I don't want to see him any more. (in any case, I get the feeling like his pride is the only thing hurt, not like he was madly into me at all, otherwise his behaviour from the offset would have been different)
OnlyJake Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 That is terrible advice. But I am SO tempted. "But you did this and didn't do that" blah blah. At the end of the day, Boogieboy is right. I didn't set boundaries and now he's wondering why I'm suddenly pissed off, because I never said anything up until now. Being honest, I don't want to reply. I mean what do I say if I do? "Sorry you feel that way, but I still don't think we should see each other any more. It's too late now, you've blown it with your shoddy attitude towards me and your last minute texts". Being a coward, I'm thinking of just letting it be, unless he wants me to really hurt him even further, by drumming it into him for a second time that I don't want to see him any more. (in any case, I get the feeling like his pride is the only thing hurt, not like he was madly into me at all, otherwise his behaviour from the offset would have been different) If I were feeling self-reflective and like accepting responsibility and so on I would definitely take boogie's advice; he knows what he's talking about. If I had a bad day and just decided to say screw it, I'd give in to my more base instincts (I'm right, you're wrong nana na na na)
D-Lish Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 I don't think I'd give this guy any more of my time if it were me. Although it's true boundaries were never established, he waited 10 freakin' days to get in touch with you and actually expected a positive response? lol. No response is the best response for this guy.
boogieboy Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 . (in any case, I get the feeling like his pride is the only thing hurt, not like he was madly into me at all, otherwise his behaviour from the offset would have been different) I dont think he was that serious about you either. Not texting you after 10 days like nothing happened. You can drum it into him all you want, I dont think he will be hurt, so dont feel guilty about it.
LovelyDaze Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 paddington..I just went thru something similar in the new guy I started dating and I also decided to end it because he was so flaky with his timing. We are BOTH at fault for not establishing boundaries so I guess we just need to live and let die on potential relationships with these guys. Sometimes I forget my own signature line of the red flags. The first time our dates f'd up, we should have said what we felt about it and if they didn't like it...showed them where the front door was. I will next time...no doubt about it. Hope you do too.
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