Blindsidedagainalive Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 I was trying to send some message of support. The poster is not perfect. It seems that he is trying hard. I can understand his frustration. For one, he is being totally open with his wife. So when OW stalks, he feels obligated to inform his wife (which is the right thing to do)...which gives his wife triggers and pain. I can very much relate to that feeling myself. It sucks for all concerned. I was simply pointing out...that sometimes we **** up in life (as he did), and there is no simple undoing it. Sometimes we have to live with what we did. Although I was the betrayed one, I have made life choices......not intending to harm anyone.........that have harmed me and others. One of which was an accident I had over a decade ago while intoxicated. I still do not have a license as a result of my choices. This decision has impacted every aspect of my working and personal life. The best thing I could do was quit drinking. I have been sober since that evening. It did not take away what I did, and I still feel the consequences daily. Stopping drinking was the only way I could somehow feel optimistic about the future. The sad thing is....I can't undo what I did a decade ago.
Author samprez Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 If it's not impacting you anymore why are you posting about it? I mean if you don't care, why should we? Well this is a blog to share insight. I was simply keeing people who have helped me informed. I could ask why you are so angry and are lurking here. You can attack me all you want. I'm not the person who hurt you. I answer to my wife. This site helped me find my balance. I like to share. I posted the latest update because it is interesting. Isn't it? I appreciate the feedback and I learn out here. Far from perfect but trying to be better and get right again. You can't appreciate how seeing her lurk hurts me. My wife saw the footprint today so I'm dealing with her triggers again. It is MY fault. I know that. If you think I'm whining you got the wrong man. I fight everyday for my wife's respect and trust. You can pick on someone else.
Samantha0905 Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 (edited) OP, why are you so tweaked because she *gasp* looked a website? If you are so over it, and so into your marriage, then this wouldn't bother you. I get the feeling you're reacting so harshly because the temptation is difficult and is forcing you to think about the other woman more than you would like. Again, if you were over her, and the affair, and so committed to your marriage, then her occasional browsing of your site shouldn't matter at all. And I think you're getting humped because you chose to be in an affair with this woman for some length of time. The level of hatred and disgust you have for her seems to be from you projecting your own remorse and guilt onto this woman. Your reaction to her doesn't seem fair, to be honest. It's a very fine line between love and hate, and I would think so far into your "recovery" or "reconciliation" that you should be indifferent, rather than enraged. Me thinks thou dost protest too much. I agree. He wanted her to disappear and she hasn't, but she isn't exactly beating down his door. She's visiting an internet site and not trying to communicate in any manner really. She left an electronic/internet footprint. Oh my and horrors! Plus, if he and his wife were doing so well why in the world would they get their panties that much in a wad over an internet footprint? First, I am 100% responsible for the affair. I made choices that lead to the situation that I've created for my family. This is something that I can't undo. I can't change the past. What I can do is impact the present and the future. When "she" visited my site, she doesn't do so as an innocent by-stander or a random person. "She" has a sorted history with me. We both made the same choices and damaged our own families and our own person(s). However, I have no control over her and what she does or what her husband knows. I do have control over what I do and how I manage my life. And I have control over how I decide to protect myself, my wife and my family. Her "visits" to my pages are a DIRECT violation of our no contact agreement. No contact as I've seen it defined on this site isn't just constricted to verbal or electronic conversations, physical meetings and texting, it's supposed to include what she did. She broke no contact. It's inconsequential to in what form. She didn't hold up her end of the deal. I have. Her footprint on my site acts as a reminder; a stark reminder of what we did. It puts me at risk and in a bad place. First, I don't want to see her or engage with her in anyway shape or form. Secondly, she forced my hand and I had to bring this to my wife. Let me explain. I hate hurting my wife. The worst thing about the fallout from an affair is the damage you inflict on the people you love, and the hurt that comes with it. When I told my wife about the site visits, I opened up a wound that we have worked hard to seal. All of the reactions are valid, but I didn't initiate contact or visit my xmw's site and cause this chain of events. Yet, I found myself having this awful conversation again with my wife, and watching her react was terrible. I felt helpless again. I am a human being. I made a terrible choice that I have paid for with my integrity and my pain. I have done the only thing I could do which was focus on my family and my work. I have never contacted or engaged "her" because I owed that much to her and her husband. I owed her the ability to disappear. Be distant. Be a faded memory. Be gone. "She" has opted to visit my site, stay in touch with my friends (which puts her 1 degree from me) and essentially not create the distance from me that she should have. She and I are lucky our spouses are still with us...the last thing either of us should do is risk that good fortune with contact. My wife's reaction was appropriate. If she hits the site again, I tell my wife and then I'm to email her and her husband and inform them both that this is not acceptable. I owe that to my wife. The problem with xmw hitting the site is that she now has no control over what happens next and an affair that has been give 2 chances to heal, may become problematic again. She's made another bad choice. By contacting her -- emailing her and her husband -- you are the one making direct contact. It sounds like perhaps you and your wife are thriving on the drama? Y'all can try to punish your XOW for life, but it isn't going to help the two of you heal any. Regarding my feelings. I've EARNED the right now to be upset by this. I risked my life once for this silly affair. I have been honorable in my effort to restore my marriage and take care of my family. I have done MC, IC and I have mourned and dealt. Her hitting my site is an infringement on that. It is not cool and I'm going to react negatively. For the BS out here. I know I represent the easy target. No problem with that. But like I said, I need to stop feeling like crap and when "she" appeared on my site, footprint and all, I reacted. I'm human.Yes, you are human -- but in this instance it really seems you're over-reacting. As Jilly said -- protesting way too much over something of this small a nature. It certainly doesn't qualify as stalking. I think you are being excessively cruel to your XOW. Leave her be -- no emails unless she tries to contact you. Honestly, even in that situation -- I would just ignore. You and your wife need to stop making XOW such a big deal in your marriage if you truly want to move forward. Edited April 26, 2010 by Samantha0905
bentnotbroken Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 I agree. He wanted her to disappear and she hasn't, but she isn't exactly beating down his door. She's visiting an internet site and not trying to communicate in any manner really. She left an electronic/internet footprint. Oh my and horrors! Plus, if he and his wife were doing so well why in the world would they get their panties that much in a wad over an internet footprint? By contacting her -- emailing her and her husband -- you are the one making direct contact. It sounds like perhaps you and your wife are thriving on the drama? Y'all can try to punish your XOW for life, but it isn't going to help the two of you heal any. Yes, you are human -- but in this instance it really seems you're over-reacting. As Jilly said -- protesting way too much over something of this small a nature. It certainly doesn't qualify as stalking. I think you are being excessively cruel to your XOW. Leave her be -- no emails unless she tries to contact you. Honestly, even in that situation -- I would just ignore. You and your wife need to stop making XOW such a big deal in your marriage if you truly want to move forward. Interesting coming from you. Aren't you the one who said that only you and your H know what is right for you and your marriage. Why is you feel calling the ow on her continued LC is "not" the best thing for their marriage and that it won't help them move forward? Curious how that works.
Author samprez Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 How exactly am I being cruel to this married woman with 3 children who has continually visited my profile page? This woman and I who agreed to NEVER contact one another again. This site stamps who visited because to access it you need to be registers and there is no blocking. I've not responded even though she has hit my page often. I haven't done anything at all. I told my wife about it a bit ago and she looked today and saw the latest visit. We haven't done a thing. No email. No text. No calls. Nothing. I find this defense of the married woman offensive. My wife is sad today. This stuff takes time. I think my married ap's husband might think this a big deal too. My wife has all of my pw's and full access. I'm doing everything I can to fix this and I'm right to be upset. NC means no contact at all. She broke it. How would she explain this to her family? Huh?
Samantha0905 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Interesting coming from you. Aren't you the one who said that only you and your H know what is right for you and your marriage. Why is you feel calling the ow on her continued LC is "not" the best thing for their marriage and that it won't help them move forward? Curious how that works. What's LC -- light contact? I'd say we need a new term for this particular offense if that is the definition. How about MC -- microscopic contact. Or IC -- inconsequential contact -- oh dang, IC is already used. How about TC -- trivial contact? I don't even think it qualifies as contact to be quite honest. In any event, I'll ignore the smarmy remarks you are making about me -- "interesting coming from you" -- as if you know me -- and once again reiterate it seems odd to me there would be that much upset over someone visiting a site and leaving an electronic footprint or whatever. Wouldn't this be the equivalent of getting upset if say an XOP searched former MM/MW on Facebook or something? I sure don't care who searches me on fb and have everything set to private. I've never even thought to try to figure out a way to see who has searched my profile. It seems odd and over-reactive. OP -- how exactly are you finding out there is a footprint left? Checking for it?
Author samprez Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 Call me Sam. OP. Funny. Yes I do pay for this service. This is a professional biz site that I use for networking. I've been using this for years and one of the services allows you to exactly who viewed you. I look at it and have for years. It's interesting to see who has searched you for jobs or biz contacts. I'm not at all in agreement with you minimizing the level of contact. I find it ignorant and offensive. You don't understand the violation here. I don't know your story but I know mine. I want zero reminders of her as I repair my life. I have made a million adjustments to protect my family. Your diminishing of my experience is really odd.
Samantha0905 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Call me Sam. OP. Funny. Yes I do pay for this service. This is a professional biz site that I use for networking. I've been using this for years and one of the services allows you to exactly who viewed you. I look at it and have for years. It's interesting to see who has searched you for jobs or biz contacts. I'm not at all in agreement with you minimizing the level of contact. I find it ignorant and offensive. You don't understand the violation here. I don't know your story but I know mine. I want zero reminders of her as I repair my life. I have made a million adjustments to protect my family. Your diminishing of my experience is really odd. It just doesn't seem like contact much at all to me is all. I'm not trying to offend you -- just being real. I am a former WS and I have told my husband of the affair -- my background. I find it odd you are getting that upset over this minimal contact. I understand the seriousness of your offense -- the affair -- and your wanting to stay in your marriage and work on it. I simply agree with whichever poster commented if you really were not still somewhat hung up on your XAP, you wouldn't be so angry over a visit to a website. (And I don't mean hung up like still attracted, etc. I just mean somewhat focused on her and what she is doing.) Is it like LinkedIn? Are you angry because you feel she knows you can see she's visited and is doing it to maintain contact of some sort? It seems the best way to handle this is to totally ignore her. I just don't think you should give it any more merit than it's worth. Can you block her from visiting? If not, you need to ignore her -- period. There will always be reminders and I don't think trying to control her by bullying her in her marriage is the right response. Leave her alone. It seems like you and your wife are trying to make yourselves feel better about repairing the marriage by abusing the XOW. It makes no sense and turns the focus away from where it should be -- the two of you -- happy, working on things, oblivious to the OW. Now, I could understand if she was persistently trying to contact you in a real fashion.
John Who Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Call me Sam. OP. Funny. Yes I do pay for this service. This is a professional biz site that I use for networking. I've been using this for years and one of the services allows you to exactly who viewed you. I look at it and have for years. It's interesting to see who has searched you for jobs or biz contacts. I'm not at all in agreement with you minimizing the level of contact. I find it ignorant and offensive. You don't understand the violation here. I don't know your story but I know mine. I want zero reminders of her as I repair my life. I have made a million adjustments to protect my family. Your diminishing of my experience is really odd. You should not have to explain,like you said the only one you need to answer to is your W,I know how you feel about your XOW snooping and you do have a right to be bothered by it. Just because we come on here and post about issue's does not make us any less of a man or a whinning little baby,but everyone is entitled to their own opinions.
BB07 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I'm not clear if it's actually YOUR site or is it someone else's site that you and others in the same or similar profession log in to? Which is it? I'm assuming that it's NOT actually your personal website from what you posted and going on that assumption, there isn't any thing you can do about someone visiting a public site. However, you could remove yourself/ or close your account at the site, which is an option if it's that upsetting to you. Now if it is YOUR site, yes you can block her and your are misinformed if you think you can't. If your hosting site does not offer this option, you can simply change hosts and they can block certain IP ranges. There are options....if it truly is causing you that much of a problem. You might not like them.....but there are.
bentnotbroken Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 What's LC -- light contact? I'd say we need a new term for this particular offense if that is the definition. How about MC -- microscopic contact. Or IC -- inconsequential contact -- oh dang, IC is already used. How about TC -- trivial contact? I don't even think it qualifies as contact to be quite honest. In any event, I'll ignore the smarmy remarks you are making about me -- "interesting coming from you" -- as if you know me -- and once again reiterate it seems odd to me there would be that much upset over someone visiting a site and leaving an electronic footprint or whatever. Wouldn't this be the equivalent of getting upset if say an XOP searched former MM/MW on Facebook or something? I sure don't care who searches me on fb and have everything set to private. I've never even thought to try to figure out a way to see who has searched my profile. It seems odd and over-reactive. OP -- how exactly are you finding out there is a footprint left? Checking for it? I based my question on your post about people not knowing you or your H and what your marriage is like. I used the same words to try to find out how you know about his wife or what is best for his marriage. Maybe contacting ow and telling her to disappear would be best for them. It really was a simple question. I completely understand if you can't or don't want to answer it. But I do believe your paranoia is showing.
Samantha0905 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I based my question on your post about people not knowing you or your H and what your marriage is like. I used the same words to try to find out how you know about his wife or what is best for his marriage. Maybe contacting ow and telling her to disappear would be best for them. It really was a simple question. I completely understand if you can't or don't want to answer it. But I do believe your paranoia is showing. This isn't a p***ing contest. Threads get sidetracked this way. Once again, assumptions about others -- paranoia this time. I just don't want to play this game anymore. I'll comment on relevant posts. I don't even know what you are talking about with the first part of this quote -- perhaps something I've posted in the past in a different thread, but the relevant part pertains to sam as this is his thread -- and your comment "maybe contacting ow and telling her to disappear would be best for them." My point is, I don't think she has contacted them or is bothering them if the only thing that has happened is sam's checked up and figured out she may be surfing a public internet site and his page also? I mean he decided he wanted to opt out of the affair. That's fine. But he can't control her -- he shouldn't want to -- unless she is openly bothering him. It's bothering him that much that she's viewing his page somewhere? That is very odd. If she's working through things in her own way and somehow viewing his page on a public networking site is part of her way of doing it -- jeesh!! Leave her alone.
bentnotbroken Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 This isn't a p***ing contest. Threads get sidetracked this way. Once again, assumptions about others -- paranoia this time. I just don't want to play this game anymore. I'll comment on relevant posts. I don't even know what you are talking about with the first part of this quote -- perhaps something I've posted in the past in a different thread, but the relevant part pertains to sam as this is his thread -- and your comment "maybe contacting ow and telling her to disappear would be best for them." My point is, I don't think she has contacted them or is bothering them if the only thing that has happened is sam's checked up and figured out she may be surfing a public internet site and his page also? I mean he decided he wanted to opt out of the affair. That's fine. But he can't control her -- he shouldn't want to -- unless she is openly bothering him. It's bothering him that much that she's viewing his page somewhere? That is very odd. If she's working through things in her own way and somehow viewing his page on a public networking site is part of her way of doing it -- jeesh!! Leave her alone. If I am not mistaken that was what Samprez was saying, leave me and my wife alone. And again, I don't know what you are talking about a pissing match:confused: I did reference something you have posted previously about only you and your H know what is best for you and your marriage. Wouldn't that also apply to OP and his wife instead of being told that they should move on as if there feelings about the situation weren't valid. We all exhibit behavior that is odd to others, as proven by some of the actions of some of the posters. If it is out of our normal thought patterns then it is odd, don't you think? Comment any way you see fit....I do.
OFGnomore Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Well this is a blog to share insight. I was simply keeing people who have helped me informed. I could ask why you are so angry and are lurking here. You can attack me all you want. I'm not the person who hurt you. I answer to my wife. This site helped me find my balance. I like to share. I posted the latest update because it is interesting. Isn't it? I appreciate the feedback and I learn out here. Far from perfect but trying to be better and get right again. You can't appreciate how seeing her lurk hurts me. My wife saw the footprint today so I'm dealing with her triggers again. It is MY fault. I know that. If you think I'm whining you got the wrong man. I fight everyday for my wife's respect and trust. You can pick on someone else. I do think you're whining, now your a victim of me and my lurking? I've been in your shoes Samprez and the biggest part of growing up in aftermath of the affair is accepting that the consequences are not a cafeteria plan and not on your time frame. Meaning, you may get stalked, harrased, ostercized, and bring a whole lot of pain to your family. And yes it sucks. Once you cross the line, you relinquish all control as to what will be the consequences. That's a fact, sorry if it hurts. Does your wife know you post here? Does she have your password and read your posts?
OFGnomore Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 It just doesn't seem like contact much at all to me is all. I'm not trying to offend you -- just being real. I am a former WS and I have told my husband of the affair -- my background. I find it odd you are getting that upset over this minimal contact. I understand the seriousness of your offense -- the affair -- and your wanting to stay in your marriage and work on it. I simply agree with whichever poster commented if you really were not still somewhat hung up on your XAP, you wouldn't be so angry over a visit to a website. (And I don't mean hung up like still attracted, etc. I just mean somewhat focused on her and what she is doing.) Is it like LinkedIn? Are you angry because you feel she knows you can see she's visited and is doing it to maintain contact of some sort? It seems the best way to handle this is to totally ignore her. I just don't think you should give it any more merit than it's worth. Can you block her from visiting? If not, you need to ignore her -- period. There will always be reminders and I don't think trying to control her by bullying her in her marriage is the right response. Leave her alone. It seems like you and your wife are trying to make yourselves feel better about repairing the marriage by abusing the XOW. It makes no sense and turns the focus away from where it should be -- the two of you -- happy, working on things, oblivious to the OW. Now, I could understand if she was persistently trying to contact you in a real fashion. Apologizes to the poster who said Samprez is still hung up. I think he's ambivalent about his xOP. I thought his story was interesting because it sounded similar to mine. So I read his history to glean some insight that might prove helpful and he came to LS as a OM and if you read his history, it's almost like he wanted his xOWs marriage to fail. Maybe he's changed but his fixation on these visits are strange to me in that he thinks his family is at risk for something. I did confront my xMM about his visits, not directly, through his lawyer with a cc to his w. My reason, his visits were disrupting my work data, but more importantly, he tried to come up with a trumped up law suit against my H right after dday threatening H with a libel lawsuit if H got the word out in the community. So, a year later, I let his lawyer and his wife know, to weaken the ridiculous charges xMM was making about my H in case xMM decided to move forward with "damages" charges. I love it, you mess with another guy's W, and now your filing damages charges. I guess xMM thought he had the cafeteria too in terms of consequences after the affair.
Author samprez Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 Look, I'm done posting. I am dealing with this, and like everyone's story, mine has its set of details that is hard to explain out here. I had real feeling for this woman and I nearly lost everything in relation to the affair. I have suffered greatly in everyway you can imagine. Most of the suffering has been personal and alone. It's long rides in the car beating yourself up. My MARRIED AFFAIR partner and I made it clear to one another a little over a year ago that there was to be ZERO contact. Her last note included the word, EVER. I held up my end of the deal. I created a barrier between her world and mine. So when she hits my site which includes my picture and other data points (of which I will not alter, since it has importance to me) I feel happened upon. She is an unwelcome visitor in my world now. Regardless of site access, this is no different than if she were to continually drive up and down my street. It's not just a no contact violation, but a violation of the one thing we can do for each other now; which is to leave each other alone. I don't care what happens to her marriage. She has small children, I hope they have their mom intact. I hope her H who knows about this like my W does has made his peace like my W has. I don't know. I never inquired or poked or looked. There is reality to all of this and I think I took offense to the suggestion I felt out here that somehow, my reaction was wrong. I know my particulars and I know her. I know exactly what she's up to and I fear this is heading towards an email, text or other form of contact. None of our stories are alike out here, there are just similarities. I see some things posted from time to time that seem identical, but they are not. I believe that affairs are comprised of real feelings and real interactions, not affair fogs. I made choices that lead me to where I am now. So did she. She's the one who is looking. It's been over a year, and she has continually hit my site and left a stamp for over a month now. It's been ongoing. It's problematic for me because it has generated real anxiety. I went to my IC about this, and he agreed this is a no contact violation. This site (LS) was never about having to defend feelings like I have had to do here. I know what I know and how I'm feeling. These affairs suck because the aftermath doesn't end because the affairs do. Trust me on that. And this concept I've read here about if this is part of her process, so be it. Not if it involves me. Too much happened and too many things lead to my recovery for me to have to justify how I feel to this board. Bye.
Spark1111 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Look, I'm done posting. I am dealing with this, and like everyone's story, mine has its set of details that is hard to explain out here. I had real feeling for this woman and I nearly lost everything in relation to the affair. I have suffered greatly in everyway you can imagine. Most of the suffering has been personal and alone. It's long rides in the car beating yourself up. My MARRIED AFFAIR partner and I made it clear to one another a little over a year ago that there was to be ZERO contact. Her last note included the word, EVER. I held up my end of the deal. I created a barrier between her world and mine. So when she hits my site which includes my picture and other data points (of which I will not alter, since it has importance to me) I feel happened upon. She is an unwelcome visitor in my world now. Regardless of site access, this is no different than if she were to continually drive up and down my street. It's not just a no contact violation, but a violation of the one thing we can do for each other now; which is to leave each other alone. I don't care what happens to her marriage. She has small children, I hope they have their mom intact. I hope her H who knows about this like my W does has made his peace like my W has. I don't know. I never inquired or poked or looked. There is reality to all of this and I think I took offense to the suggestion I felt out here that somehow, my reaction was wrong. I know my particulars and I know her. I know exactly what she's up to and I fear this is heading towards an email, text or other form of contact. None of our stories are alike out here, there are just similarities. I see some things posted from time to time that seem identical, but they are not. I believe that affairs are comprised of real feelings and real interactions, not affair fogs. I made choices that lead me to where I am now. So did she. She's the one who is looking. It's been over a year, and she has continually hit my site and left a stamp for over a month now. It's been ongoing. It's problematic for me because it has generated real anxiety. I went to my IC about this, and he agreed this is a no contact violation. This site (LS) was never about having to defend feelings like I have had to do here. I know what I know and how I'm feeling. These affairs suck because the aftermath doesn't end because the affairs do. Trust me on that. And this concept I've read here about if this is part of her process, so be it. Not if it involves me. Too much happened and too many things lead to my recovery for me to have to justify how I feel to this board. Bye. Sam, fBS here.....as you well know. I agree wholeheartedly with your anger. When any kind of fishing happens, you, as a successfully reconciling spouse, MUST tell your fBS. To NOT do so would be a huge mistake, as you well know. No more secrets of any kind, right? It DOES trigger the whole sordid affair for us. whether we want it to or not. It DOES drive home that you were so intimate with another person, that they are STILL curious about you, your marriage, your life without them now. It still hurts us, as a reminder of the life you once shared with them outside of our knowledge. You have every right to be upset. So does your wife.
Snowflower Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 This site (LS) was never about having to defend feelings like I have had to do here. I know what I know and how I'm feeling. These affairs suck because the aftermath doesn't end because the affairs do. Trust me on that. And this concept I've read here about if this is part of her process, so be it. Not if it involves me. Too much happened and too many things lead to my recovery for me to have to justify how I feel to this board. Bye. Samprez, I hope you'll continue to post. Sometimes we all have to defend ourselves here--whether we're a BS, AP, WS. It's just part of being a member of this community. But there is good advice here, as well. Please don't let certain posts(ers) get to you. I think you are probably hitting a nerve with some of them because you gave up the OW to return to your wife. I think you have every right to be angry and it has nothing to do with how well you are recovering your marriage. You no longer wish to have any association with this person and that is your right. So any attempts by her to peer into your life (by visiting this networking site) probably seem like an infringement. I thought about how I would feel as a fBS if the xOW attempted to break NC in the way you have described here. I think my H would be angry and it would trigger some bad memories in me. Anyway, hang in there!
Katerina Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Wow! I only read the first page and I'm very impressed at the things BS's wrote... So supportive of the original author... I'm truly impressed... but I have a question to those BS's. Is this how YOU feel about your WS? I'm sure I'll sound awful, but I personally would hope that the man who betrayed me remembers daily of what he's done and the hurt he's caused. Why should I be the only one who suffers because of his selfish acts? Every day I think of how I didn't matter, how he was so willing to risk losing and me the kids.. So should the betraying spouse "forgive themselves" and "go on" when the person they've hurt suffers every single day? Even on good days, I KNOW what he's done, what his priories were, and ... honestly, I'm not sure he still wouldn't be in the affair if we hadn't moved and if I didn't find out? I'm sorry... I'm not having a good day... or a good week... or a good month... whatever. But please, BS's do answer my question above if you can. I'm very curious. Do you honestly want your WS to "forgive themselves" and "go on" like nothing has happened?
Snowflower Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Wow! I only read the first page and I'm very impressed at the things BS's wrote... So supportive of the original author... I'm truly impressed... but I have a question to those BS's. Is this how YOU feel about your WS? I'm sure I'll sound awful, but I personally would hope that the man who betrayed me remembers daily of what he's done and the hurt he's caused. Why should I be the only one who suffers because of his selfish acts? Every day I think of how I didn't matter, how he was so willing to risk losing and me the kids.. So should the betraying spouse "forgive themselves" and "go on" when the person they've hurt suffers every single day? Even on good days, I KNOW what he's done, what his priories were, and ... honestly, I'm not sure he still wouldn't be in the affair if we hadn't moved and if I didn't find out? I'm sorry... I'm not having a good day... or a good week... or a good month... whatever. But please, BS's do answer my question above if you can. I'm very curious. Do you honestly want your WS to "forgive themselves" and "go on" like nothing has happened? I'm sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. Have you gone back to IC/MC? I think the WS should forgive themselves because IMO, forgiveness is the path to healing and growth. This applies to both the BS and the WS. If my H had not been able to grow and learn from his awful choice, we wouldn't be where we are today. I know he thinks of what he did. We talk about it sometimes. But I don't need him to beat himself up every day for it. I understand what you are saying about your WS going on like nothing has happened. I'm not sure, but maybe that is the impression your husband is giving you. Have you talked to him about how you really feel? If he is truly repentant, he should be able to listen to you even if it is difficult for him. I don't want to thread-jack samprez' thread here. PM me if you wish to talk further.
Author samprez Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 For those on this thread that felt I was over reacting to the site visits: They have continued unabated and this week were followed by the phone call. I was away and found a vm at work; my new company btw. I'm fine but I know my MOW and knew this was coming. Those site visits were leading indicators of what was to follow. I'm not responding to her but now has she broken nc????
bentnotbroken Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 For those on this thread that felt I was over reacting to the site visits: They have continued unabated and this week were followed by the phone call. I was away and found a vm at work; my new company btw. I'm fine but I know my MOW and knew this was coming. Those site visits were leading indicators of what was to follow. I'm not responding to her but now has she broken nc???? Whatever you need to do to put a stop to it is the right thing. Stay strong.
Spark1111 Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 For those on this thread that felt I was over reacting to the site visits: They have continued unabated and this week were followed by the phone call. I was away and found a vm at work; my new company btw. I'm fine but I know my MOW and knew this was coming. Those site visits were leading indicators of what was to follow. I'm not responding to her but now has she broken nc???? Samprez....this happened to us two years after DDAy. I asked my husband permission to call her and I did, on her work line (something I would never do previously), and while she tried to avoid me, I told her if she did not take my call, I'd be showing up that day to have a face-to-face. She was shocked, first that he had told me, mostly. She thought he was still keeping secrets from me. She also thought, as the good wifey, I had taken him back no questions asked. I told her I knew EVERYTHING. And to stay away from us. We wished her no harm, but she better be smart here, and stay the hell away from us. It worked. Get proactive. You can make it end. Take the gloves off, both you and your wife. It's time to burst her fantasy bubble that you are stuck in a loveless marriage and must still be secretly pining away for her..... The BOTH of you have to let her know differently now, or every time she needs a little ego boost.....she'll find a way to contact you.
ComputerJock Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I think you might consider calling her husband and let him know what she is doing. You sound like you are doing great in your marriage, but the OW actions could cause you and your wife more problems, IMHO. It needs to stop NOW, and I think her husband probably doesn't know what she is upto. She is fishing. So have her husband cut her fishing line. Good luck, I hope for the best. You and your wife have been through a lot. LOL.
OFGnomore Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I thought you were done posting here. I mention this because observing behavioral inconsistency with someone who has been unfaithful is important in determining trust in the future. Why don't you just put an end to all the BS once and for all. You know and your wife knows. Call her out on it. Email her H and cc her and your wife and be done with it. I think you get an ego boost by all this and that you're not emotionally done with this woman.
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